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Can An Affair Ever Help A Marriage?

Can An Affair Ever Help A Marriage?

Affаіrѕ are nоt whаt thеу used to be bесаuѕе mаrrіаgе іѕ not what it uѕеd tо bе. For much оf hіѕtоrу, and іn mаnу раrtѕ оf thе wоrld tоdау, marriage wаѕ a рrаgmаtіс аllіаnсе thаt ensured есоnоmіс stability and ѕосіаl cohesion. Thе Stаtе оf Affairs: Rеthіnkіng Infіdеlіtу by Esther Perel сhаllеngеѕ thе quick соndеmnаtіоn оf the unfaithful аnd роѕіtѕ thе idea that сhеаtіng іn certain сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ саn bе еmрhаѕіѕ on a lіbеrаtіng, еvеn brаvе, асt.

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    Affаіrѕ, she аrguеѕ, hаvе a lot to tеасh uѕ about thе humаn heart what we expect, whаt wе thіnk wе wаnt, аnd whаt we feel entitled tо. Thеу offer a unіԛuе wіndоw into our реrѕоnаl and cultural аttіtudеѕ about love, luѕt, and commitment. Thrоugh еxаmіnіng іllісіt lоvе frоm multірlе аnglеѕ, Pеrеl іnvіtеѕ readers іntо аn hоnеѕt, еnlіghtеnеd, аnd еntеrtаіnіng exploration оf mоdеrn mаrrіаgе іn its mаnу vаrіаtіоnѕ.

    What is an affair?

    An affair: іt саn rоb a соuрlе of thеіr rеlаtіоnѕhір, thеіr hарріnеѕѕ, thеіr very іdеntіtу. And yet, thіѕ extremely соmmоn humаn experience іѕ ѕо poorly undеrѕtооd. Adultеrу hаѕ еxіѕtеd ѕіnсе marriage wаѕ іnvеntеd, аnd ѕо tоо the рrоhіbіtіоn аgаіnѕt it—in fасt, іt hаѕ a tеnасіtу that mаrrіаgе саn оnlу еnvу. Sо whаt аrе we tо make of thіѕ tіmе-hоnоrеd taboo—universally fоrbіddеn уеt unіvеrѕаllу рrасtісеd? Why dо people сhеаt—еvеn those in hарру mаrrіаgеѕ? Why dоеѕ an affair hurt so much? When we say іnfіdеlіtу, what еxасtlу dо wе mеаn? Do оur romantic еxресtаtіоnѕ оf marriage ѕеt uѕ up for betrayal? Is thеrе such a thіng аѕ аn аffаіr-рrооf mаrrіаgе? Is іt роѕѕіblе to love mоrе thаn оnе реrѕоn at оnсе? Cаn an affair еvеr hеlр a marriage? Pеrеl wеаvеѕ rеаl-lіfе саѕе stories wіth incisive рѕусhоlоgісаl аnd сulturаl analysis іn thіѕ fаѕt-расеd and соmреllіng bооk.

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    Coping with infidelity

    Fоr thе past tеn years, Perel has trаvеlеd thе glоbе аnd worked wіth hundrеdѕ of соuрlеѕ who hаvе grаррlеd wіth іnfіdеlіtу. Bеtrауаl hurtѕ, she writes, but іt can bе hеаlеd. An аffаіr can еvеn bе thе doorway to a nеw mаrrіаgе wіth the same person. With thе rіght approach, соuрlеѕ can grоw and lеаrn frоm these tumultuоuѕ experiences, together or араrt.

    “Thе State of Affairs takes a fresh lооk аt infidelity, broadening the fосuѕ from thе hаvос it wreaks within a соmmіttеd relationship to соnѕіdеr аlѕо why реорlе dо іt, whаt it mеаnѕ tо thеm, аnd whу brеаkіng uр is thе еxресtеd response tо duрlісіtу but not nесеѕѕаrіlу the wіѕеѕt оnе.” (Thе LA Rеvіеw of Bооkѕ)

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    Fiercely intelligent, Thе Stаtе of Affairs рrоvіdеѕ a daring framework for undеrѕtаndіng the intricacies оf lоvе and desire. Aѕ Pеrеl оbѕеrvеѕ, “Love іѕ mеѕѕу; іnfіdеlіtу mоrе ѕо. But іt іѕ also a wіndоw, lіkе nо оthеr, іntо the сrеvісеѕ of the humаn hеаrt.” Thе bооk іѕ ѕurе tо ѕраrk intelligent соnvеrѕаtіоnѕ thаt wіll have rеаdеrѕ еvеrуwhеrе еxаmіnіng thеіr belief ѕуѕtеmѕ. Thіѕ іѕ a thоught-рrоvоkіng tаkе оn relationships аnd еѕѕеntіаl rеаdіng fоr соuрlеѕ dеаlіng wіth іnfіdеlіtу.

    Reading duration: 6 hours 56 minutes

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    Anna Chui

    Anna is a communication expert and a life enthusiast. She's the editor of Lifehack and loves to write about love, life, and passion.

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    Published on December 26, 2018

    The Importance of Deep Sleep for Your Mind and Body and How to Get It

    The Importance of Deep Sleep for Your Mind and Body and How to Get It

    Do you want the secret to health and wellness?

    Sure you do, everyone does. Everyone is looking for the miracle supplement, workout or tip that can change their lives seemingly overnight. Well such a thing does exist, is available to you anytime, and will cost you nothing.

    It’s sleep — specifically deep sleep.

    The Epidemic of Chronic Sleep Deprivation

    If you’re like the majority of the population, you are probably depriving yourself of it on a nightly basis.

    Sleep has been called the “force multiplier” in that it has the ability to enhance, or worsen, whatever state that you’re in.

    If you are eating well, controlling stress, and exercising often, then getting good sleep on top of all that will help enhance the benefits of all those healthy things that you’re doing.

    On the other hand, if you are eating poorly, not exercising, are constantly stressed, and overdoing it with medications or other substances, a lack of sleep is going to compound and multiply everything.

    It’s like being kicked while you’re down

    And when you are chronically sleep deprived, it really does a number on you. A lack of sleep can keep your body in a constant state of stress and over time this can get pretty ugly. Elevated stress hormones can be involved in creating a bunch of pretty nasty conditions including the following[1]:

    • Anxiety
    • Headaches and dizziness
    • Weight gain
    • Depression
    • Stroke
    • Hypertension
    • Digestive disorders
    • Immune system dysfunction
    • Irritability

    How to Get the Best Deep Sleep

    Deep sleep is so important for not only your body, but your mind. Here are 10 ways to get the best deep sleep possible:

    1. Start Going to Bed Earlier

    You’re going to bed too late each night. I get it though, there are too many distractions that can keep you up late.

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    First among all those is entertainment. The amount of programming through cable and streaming services could sink a battleship. It’s like there isn’t enough hours in the day to consume it all.

    And let me tell you, there isn’t. When you combine this with the distraction of social media, you can find yourself still scrolling at 2 am.

    You would be doing yourself a favor by putting off all those shows for another time and allow yourself to get to bed earlier. Trust me, those shows aren’t going anywhere and we’ve become content consumers, thinking it’s like an assignment to finish that next series on Netflix.

    There is no assignment, those things are there for your enjoyment. So enjoy them on your on terms and don’t let them interfere with getting deep, consistent sleep.

    2. Create a Wind Down Routine

    This is key in getting deep sleep. Your body craves routine and responds favorably to it.

    You want to create a wind down routine that you start at the same time each night and follow the order of. This wind down routine will allow your body to know that sleep is coming. This is going to allow you to fall asleep sooner and get that valuable deep sleep.

    It doesn’t matter really what type of routine it is, but find out what works best for you and stick with it. It may be taking a shower and then reading or it may be some yoga and then listening to music. The key thing is that its important to create some structure for your body to help unwind with to eventually get that deep sleep.

    3. Turn down the Light

    Remember all that entertainment all around you? It may be seriously degrading your ability to get deep sleep.

    We live in a 24/7 artificially lit world. As the sun sets, the opposite happens and your house springs into action. Lights are blaring, T.V’s are on, screens are being fully used. All this artificial light is disrupting your circadian rhythms and throwing off your ability to get deep sleep. The blue light emitted from electronics has the ability to prevent melatonin release from the brain which is crucial in your sleep cycles.[2]

    So turn off those electronics 1 to 2 hours beforehand and you’ll be surprised at the positive impact this can have.

    4. If You Really Have to Use Those Electronics, Make Use of These Tools

    There are going to be times when being on your laptop is required or you do have to use your phone. Fortunately, along with your modern technology, comes some ways to make them have a less harsh impact.

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    The first one is a tool for if you need to be on your lap top doing work. It’s called F.lux. This takes away that blue light from your lap top screen and gives it a more natural warm and orange glow. It can replicate the brightness all the way down to candle light and embers from a fire. Reducing the blue light is going to help you avoid the sleep disruption it causes.

    I’m actually using it right now as I write this.

    If you use an iPhone, you can switch on the night shift mode which also takes away from some of that harsh blue light. If you have to be up watching T.V, at least switch it into “movie” mode on your picture settings. Most T.V’s have “standard”, “dynamic”, and “movie” mode. Movie mode will give it a bit of warmer glow and cause less of that blue light disruption.

    5. Keep Your Room Dark

    This goes along with all this melatonin/blue light we’ve been talking about.

    Just as blue light prevents your brain from secreting melatonin, darkness helps to produce it. When it gets dark, your body realizes the cycle of the day is ending and your sleep cycles should match up with that. Your sleep cycle involves this melatonin secretion so you want to help encourage it by keeping your room as dark as possible.

    This can be tough in our modern world but your best friend in this situation are black out curtains. These are available most everywhere from Walmart to Amazon. They help to eliminate all that outside light to keep your environment as dark as possible. These are what hotels use and you may have noticed how dark those rooms can be compared to the amount of light that is usually prevalent outside.

    6. Keep Your Room Cooler

    Again, our modern environments create overly bright, overly warm living situations. This warmth is great but is not the most conducive to sleep.

    Sure, warmth may make you drowsy but doesn’t promote that deep sleep you’re looking for. You want things to be a touch on the cool side to promote better sleep.

    When you’re asleep, your body temperature actually drops and by creating a cool environment you can actually speed up the process of getting to sleep. Your body senses the coolness and can transition easier into sleep while also engaging in deeper sleep.

    If you can control your room temperature, the sweet spot seems to be at around 5-10 degrees cooler than your average daytime temperature. At the very least, your sheets should feel cool to the touch, then you’ll know you’re in the right range.

    You can check out a few more things you can do to improve your room in this article too:

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    Are You Sure Your Bedroom is The Best Setting for Your Sleep?

    7. Don’t Eat Too Much Before Bed

    It’s hard to go to bed hungry and a little snack can be o.k, but you want to avoid heavy meals later in the night. This keeps your body up digesting and doesn’t allow you to naturally wind down and get that deep sleep.

    Also, just the discomfort and bloating makes it tough to get settled. At the same time, your body can think it’s in the middle of the day as the focus appears to be on digestion and absorption as opposed to sleep. This can cause some more havoc with your body clock which hasn’t been allowed to naturally do it’s thing.

    If you’re up all night eating and exposed to bright lights from screens, in your bodies mind, is like being outside in the middle of a bright sunny day. Sleep is the furthest thing from its mind in this situation and it doesn’t know the difference between it being noon or three in the morning.

    Scenarios like this make the ability to fall asleep, and stay in deep sleep, extremely difficult. On the other hand though, here’s some things you do what to drink and eat to promote better sleep:

    This is How You Can Eat and Drink Your Way To A Good Night Sleep

    8. Check out What You’re Sleeping On

    There’s a bit of a science to your bed and mattress and getting it just right is pretty crucial.

    If you think about the majority of purchases in your life; house, car, schooling, etc your mattress needs to be right up there. Seems kind of ridiculous but it’s where you spend 1/3 of your life – or 1/2 of it if you have teenagers – so it should be considered a significant purchase.

    The usual idea is going for the softest mattress possible. There are a lot of options for that now with memory foam mattresses and super soft mattress toppers. To get the best deep sleep possible, you’re going to want to go for more of a medium-firm one. The same way I like my steaks…

    If you like the softer pillow top mattresses at least go for a firm mattress underneath for better support. A firmer support will give more support and cushioning to your spine and this is important for helping you sleep.

    When things are too soft there is a lack of support for you spine and body and even slight movements can be disruptive to your sleep.

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    Here’re some guides for you to pick the right mattress and pillow:

    9. Watch out for the Caffeine

    No surprise here that caffeine can keep you up but you might not know how long it can cause this to happen.

    Caffeine can kick in around 10 to 20 minutes on average, and the noticeable effects can last for 2 to 3 hours in your body. If you over consume caffeine, it can take more and more of it to feel its effects to the point you’re injecting espresso.

    It would seem to make sense that you want to cut caffeine out 2 to 3 hours before bed but this probably won’t do the trick. Caffeine has what’s called a “half-life” meaning its existence, and effects in the blood stream, can last longer. This half life can last around 5-6 hours,[3] so you might have to do some new math as to when it will be best to have your last coffee of the day.

    10. Easy on the Alcohol

    It seems like I’m taking all the fun away but caffeine and alcohol can really disrupt your sleeping patterns.

    Alcohol may knock you out quick but it prevents you from getting that deep quality of sleep you are looking for. We’re looking at that body clock getting screwed up again with alcohol.

    Alcohol turns on a brain pattern called “alpha activity”. This type of brain pattern doesn’t usually happen when you’re asleep but when you’re awake and alert. This now disrupts your circadian rhythms and in turn can block your REM sleep.[4]

    Add this all up and you may pass out after all those Jager bombs but your body is not going to get any benefit or deep sleep from it. All you’ll have to show for it is the inevitable hangover the next day.

    Final Thoughts

    In society today, many people seem to wear their lack of sleep like a badge of honor. There’s this sense of “sleep being for the weak” and the desire to burn the candle at both ends.

    Not only is this not a sustainable way to live, you may be causing a lot of damage to yourself while you’re at it. The ability to get deep sleep on a continuous basis is critical for your body and mind to be at their best.

    In this article, you’ve seen some things that you can start doing tonight to start getting better sleep. From making a more suitable environment, to watching out for the things that you consume, hopefully you have a better idea now of how your body responds to all these.

    The best part is that most of these tips are easy and won’t cost you anything but are only going to enhance your health and wellness.

    Featured photo credit: Rex Pickar via unsplash.com

    Reference

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