Advertising
Advertising

The Break-Up Guide: We Promise To Get You Through This Stage By Stage

The Break-Up Guide: We Promise To Get You Through This Stage By Stage

I’ve been through some rough breakups, and one in particular left me reeling, the pain overtaking me. I remember driving in the California sun, a brilliant day in the middle of spring, and I couldn’t see the blue sky. To me, everything looked gray. I could barely coax myself out of bed in the morning, let alone see how things could possibly get better.

It didn’t help that I lost my job around the same time as my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt useless, tired, and unwanted. My friends were supportive and invited me out, hoping that I would find some distraction in hooking up with a hot guy. But honestly, the last thing I felt like doing was trying to meet someone new.

Advertising

But in time, I did find myself in a much better place, not only over my heartbreak (and with a new job), but stronger and more confident than ever. It took some effort on my part, but step by step, I moved forward.

To get a better handle on what to expect if you’re going through a break-up, here’s a breakdown of the emotional stages, and what to do:

Phase 1: Go Through The Pain and Devastation

You might feel blindsided by a breakup, or you might have felt it coming for months. Regardless, the pain is the same, and it’s okay to grieve for the loss of your relationship. Take some time, gather friends and family around you, listen to music – whatever brings you comfort. Don’t ignore your feelings, accept them so you can process the pain. As I say in my new book The Breakup Guide, Don’t get stuck in your pain by trying to avoid it. Confronting and accepting it is the only way to move forward with your life.

Advertising

Phase 2: Wondering What You Did Wrong

There’s no doubt that in the early stages of a breakup we look for ways that we might have alienated our partners. You might think: maybe I wasn’t pretty/smart/successful/talented/ fill-in-the-blank enough. It’s time to stop the self-blame; it not only is faulty thinking, it gets you nowhere fast and it takes your confidence along with it. You are enough, period. The two of you together might not be right for each other, but that doesn’t mean that you are somehow lacking. Let go of self-judgment. Remind yourself of who you are and the wonderful things that you do – and if you need help, ask a friend to remind you!

Phase 3: Denial/ Wanting to Get Back Together

This goes along with self-blame. When you think things like: If only I had done…, then we’d be back together, you are setting unrealistic expectations for yourself. You are also looking back on a skewed version of the relationship with rose-colored goggles. Relationships have amazing moments, but they also have challenges, so don’t reconstruct history. Instead of trying to win him back with some elusive tactic, thinking that things will be perfect this time around, it’s time to seriously ask yourself: What do I really want? What did I not get from this relationship? Chances are, there are reasons to let the relationship go.

Advertising

Phase 4: Anger and Play the Blame Game

Not long after you’ve shed your last tear, you might feel anger. Maybe you are keeping a running list of all of the ways you’ve been wronged by your ex. Unfortunately, this blame game isn’t helpful. You might fantasize about calling him and explaining why he’s such a jerk, but you’re really only hurting yourself. The blame game keeps us caught in a vicious cycle of holding onto our pain, exacerbating our wounds, and prevents us from moving on. Instead of looking for justice or even some type of closure you may never get, make a decision to accept who your ex is and what he is and isn’t capable of. His actions don’t have to set the course for your life. By the same token, be realistic about your part in the relationship’s end. Were you holding back emotionally? What could you improve upon in your next relationship? We all have room to grow.

Phase 5: Letting go

Far too often, we become attached to the relationship, so when it ends, we are left with a void. We wander past that bar we used to frequent, or take the dog for a walk in the park as we’d done countless Sundays before. Instead of giving in to nostalgia, try doing something new. Establish your own routine. Get coffee on Fridays with a friend at your local cafe, or join a yoga class on Wednesday nights. It doesn’t matter what the new habit is, or even how long you maintain it. The important thing to note is by establishing your own routine, you are letting go of the reminders of your ex, and it will be much easier to let him/ her go.

Advertising

Breakups are painful, but they also shape us. When we take time to process the pain, we emerge stronger and more open to future love. It’s important to take a good, hard look at our own behavior and what we could do differently, but also to let go of expectations of what we could have done differently. When we accept the old relationship for what it is, we can move on to a healthier, happier relationship.

More by this author

Kelly Seal

Author, Dating Expert

The Break-Up Guide: We Promise To Get You Through This Stage By Stage This is How You Can Tell If A Woman Is Interested In You

Trending in Psychology

1 8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies 2 20 Things Only Parents Of Children With Dyslexia Would Understand 3 How to Find the Purpose of Life and Start Living a Fulfilling Life 4 How to Be Happy Again: 13 Simple Ways to Shake off Sadness Right Now 5 How Self Doubt Keeps You Stuck and How to Overcome It

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on November 5, 2018

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

We’ve all got our enemies; people who take pleasure in causing us pain and misery. Sometimes, the development of an enemy is due to certain differences in your characters and events have led to that. Other times, some people end up hating you for apparently no reason at all.

Regardless of how you got this enemy, as opposed to the paradigm of fighting fire with fire, consider the following reasons and see why you should actually appreciate your enemies. This article will show you not only how to not be bothered by your enemies, but how to actually foster love for them.

Read on to learn the secret.

1. It’s a practical lesson in anger management

To be honest, your enemies are the best people to help you understand your sense of anger management. When it might be true that your enemies have a way of bringing out the worst in you as regards anger, it is also true that they can help you in your quest to have that anger managed. You can’t get truly angry at someone you love and it is only in that time when you get truly annoyed that you learn how to manage it.

Advertising

Anger management is more effective when it is in practice and not in theory

Your enemies are like the therapists who you need, but actually don’t want. Inasmuch as you might want to hate them, they provide you an opportunity to control the anger impulse that you have.

2. It’s an opportunity for healthy competition

You might not know it, but your enemies make for great rivals as they help harness the competitor in you (sometimes, you might not even know or bee conversant with this competitive side until you come across an adversary). You get the right motivation to compete and this can go a long way to spur you to victory.

However, while doing so, it is also essential that you remember not to become a worse version of yourself while competing. Working against an adversary is tricky, and you need to ensure that you don’t cause harm to yourself or your morals in the process. Healthy competition is all you need to get out of this.

Advertising

3. Their negative comments can help you make a breakthrough

It is true that your enemies never really have much good to say about you. However, in as much as they might be talking out of a place of hate, there might be some truth to what they’re saying.

To wit, whenever you hear something mean or nasty from an enemy, you might want to take a step back and evaluate yourself. There is a chance that what this enemy is saying is true and coming to face that fact is a major step in helping you to become a better person overall. This is another testament to the fact that enemies can be therapists in their own way.

4. Enemies can also be powerful allies

Loving your enemies can also mean making an effort to interact and make peace with them. In the end, if you are able to establish some common ground and patch things up, you’ll have succeeded in making another friend. And who doesn’t need friends?

This can also help you in working with people in the long run. You get to hone your inter-personal skills, and that can be a big plus to your ledger.

Advertising

5. It gives you the ability to realize positivity

In a multitude of negativity, a speck of positivity always seems to find its way through.

Sometimes, a knowledge of the fact that you have enemies will also help you to focus on the many positives and good things that are in your life. A lot of times, we neglect what really matters in life. This can be due to being overly concerned with the enemies we have.

However, it is also possible for this acknowledgement to spur you to take a step back and appreciate the goo things (and people who surround you).

6. There might just be a misunderstanding

Sometimes, the reason why you have an enemy might be something very innocuous. You might not have known the cause of this fractured relationship and your enemy will help complete the picture.

Advertising

Simply approaching them will help you to understand the reason for the fracture. This, in turn, can help you to work towards healing your relationship moving forward. Misunderstandings happen, and you need to be able to work around them.

7. You learn to appreciate love as well

A constant reminder of the fact that there are enemies will also help you not to take those who love you for granted. Love and hate are two opposing emotions and it is possible for one to momentarily overshadow the other.

However, while you’ll always have enemies, there will also always be people who love you. These people need to be appreciated for what they do for you. Never let the hate projected to you from your enemies take the place of that.

8. Do you really need the hate?

The truth is that enemies bring only toxic emotions and generate bad reactions from you. If you’re truly to live a prosperous life, you can’t really be carrying all this baggage around.

Hate is bad and you should try all you can to get rid of it. It is a well-known fact that nobody can get really far in life while carrying a lot of emotional baggage. Well, hate is the biggest form of emotional baggage there is.

Featured photo credit: rawpixel via unsplash.com

Read Next