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How to Differentiate Between Real Love and Superficial Love

How to Differentiate Between Real Love and Superficial Love

One of the many things human beings seek during their lifetime is a loving companion. In other words, find real love instead of superficial love. This is hard to come by depending on who you ask, and each person will tell you a different story.

But the truth of the matter is love finds you instead of the other way around. Real love is about genuinely giving someone compassion, comfort, trust and most of the time telling the truth. These are some of the core principles of real love, but superficial love is a mortal enemy. It masquerades itself as true love, and will discuss in the next sections ways to possibly identify it.

It’s hard to differentiate at the beginning

When we go through love the first time, we need to maintain to a certain extent some objectivity, and have our feet grounded. Because all of these changes will make it more difficult to evaluate the person we are supposedly in love with.

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Having love is different than being in love or breathing it. It is essential to recognize the three stages of love. They are the following: lust, attraction and attachment.

The lust stage is characterized as hormone-driven and leads to desire. Afterwards, attraction on the other hand has blood flow to the pleasure center of the brain. This leads to an increased fixation on the person becoming an attachment.

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction”

So, how do we know if it’s real love or superficial love? The answer can be deciphered based on circumstances you will live through. They may end up being a determinant factor of success or the failure of a relationship.

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It is important to point out that as a person you will experience change, and will be presented with choices to make during your lifetime. Your personal growth will undergo transformation, and unravel the person that you are.

Naturally, new events in your life will test you as a person including your significant other. This means whether you like it or not it will shed light on whether you have real or superficial love.

When you are confronted with an opportunity like a new job offer, working for a company in another part of the country, or going to a university or college for a period of time it will test whether, or not you will remain with your partner.

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There is an old saying that by Antoine de Saint-Exupery that says “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction”. It is about complementing each other’s goals, and accepting personal growth over time.

Psychology Today [1] makes a very important observation about how each partner should approach love with one another. It is the following: “Ideally, our partners love us for who we are intrinsically: our personality, character, and values, all foundational elements of our selves which are less likely to change as we find new opportunities for growth and development.”

To summarize, when it comes to love we should utilize the previously mentioned foundational elements of who we are as a person, as a human being. Sure there are differences that include your ethnicity, culture, tradition, birthplace, etc. The heart of the matter is to really explore and learn about who we are first, and then seek out a partner that fills your heart and not an empty void instead.

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Takeaways and conclusion:

A difference between real love and superficial love is accepting who you were, are and will be. It is more than idolizing or buying expensive gifts. It is about each person integrating into each other’s lives, and growing magnificently.

Change along with many challenges to any relationship are a positive thing. Life is not a destination, it is a journey. We all must find a partner who loves, enriches and supports us in every situation. When the contrary happens it simply means it was superficial love, and not the other way around.

Reference

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Anthony Carranza

Multilingual writer and journalist covering all things technology and productivity.

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Last Updated on January 6, 2019

Why a Life Without Pain Is the Guarantee to True Suffering

Why a Life Without Pain Is the Guarantee to True Suffering

No one wants to suffer. As a general rule, people like to avoid hurt and pain as much as possible. As a species, humans want a painless existence so much that scientists make a living trying to create it.

People can now choose “pain-free” labor for babies, and remedies to cure back pain, headaches, body-pains and even mental pains are a dime a dozen. Beyond medicine, we also work hard to experience little pain even when it comes to loss; often times we believe a breakup won’t hurt as much if we are the ones to call it off.

But would a world without pain truly be painless? It’s unlikely. In fact, it would probably be painful exactly for that reason.

If people never experienced hurt, they wouldn’t know what it was. On the surface level, that seems like a blessing, but think for a moment: if we didn’t know pain, how would we know peace? If you don’t know you’ve hurt or been hurt, how would you know that you need to heal? Imagine someone only knowing they have an incurable cancer at the final stage because no obvious symptoms have appeared at early stages.

Without the feeling of pain, people won’t be aware of dangerous situations—what should or shouldn’t do for survival.

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Pain Is Our Guardian

Pain serves to protect human beings from harmful actions. It’s the same reason parents teach babies that fire equals hot, and that hot equals hurt. Should the baby still place its hand in a fire or on a stove, the intense pain remains so memorable, that the child is certain never to repeat that action.

In the same way, pain within human bodies can serve as a warning that something is not right. Because you know what it is to feel “well,” you know what it is to feel poorly.[1]

Along with serving as a teacher of what not to do, pain also teaches you what you are made of in terms of what you can handle as an individual.

While the cliche, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is a tired term, it’s used excessively for a reason: it’s true. Pain helps you learn to cope with life’s inevitable difficulties and sadnesses— to develop the grit it takes to push past hardships and carry on.

Whether it’s a shattering pain, like the loss of a loved one or a debilitating accident, pain affects everyone differently. But it still affects everyone. Take a breakup as an example, anyone who has experienced it knows it can hurt to the point of feeling physical. Especially the first breakup. At a young age, it feels like the loss of the only love you’ll ever know. As you grow and learn, you realize you’re more resilient with every ended relationship.

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No Pain, No Happiness

You only know happiness when you have known pain. While the idea of constant happiness sounds nice, there is little chance it would be. Without the comparison to happiness, there’s no reason to be grateful for it. That is to say, without ever knowing sadness or pain, you would have no reason to be grateful for happiness.

In reality, there is always something missing, or something unpleasant, but it is only through those realizations that you know to be grateful when you feel you have it all. Read more about why happiness and pain have to exist together: Chasing Happiness Won’t Make You Happy

In a somewhat counter-intuitive finding, researchers found one of the things that brings about the most happiness is challenge. When people are tested, they experience a greater sense of accomplishment and happiness when they are successful. It is largely for this reason that low-income individuals can often feel happier than those who have a sense of wealth.[2]

This is a great thing to remember the next time you feel you would be happier if you just had a little more cash.

Avoiding Pain Leads to More Suffering

Pain is inevitable, embrace it positively. Anyone who strives to have a painless life is striving for perfectionism; and perfectionism guarantees sadness because nothing will ever be perfect.

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This isn’t a bleak outlook, but rather a truthful one. The messy moments in life tend to create the best memories and gratitude. Pain often serves as a reminder of lessons learned, much like physical scars on the body.

Pain will always be painful, but it’s the hurt feelings that help wiser decisions be made.

Allow Room for the Inevitable

Learning how to tolerate pain, especially the emotional kind, is a valuable lesson.

Accepting and feeling pain makes you human. There is no weakness in that. Weakness only comes when you try to blame your own pain on someone else, expecting the blame to alleviate your hurting. There’s a saying,

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”

Think back to the last time you were really angry with someone. Maybe you were hurt because you got laid off from a job. You felt angry and that anger caused so much pain that you could feel it in a physical way. Being angry and blaming your ex boss for that pain didn’t affect him or her in any way; you’re the only one who lost sleep over it.

The healthier thing to do in a situation like that is acknowledge your pain and the anger along with it. Accept it and explore it in an introspective way. How can you learn and grow? What is at the root of that pain? Are you truly hurting and angry about being laid off, or is the pain more a correlation to you feeling like you failed?

While uncomfortable, exploring your pain is a way to raise your self-awareness. By understanding more about yourself, you know how to deal with similar situations in the future. You can never expect to be numb to difficult situations, but you will learn to better prepare financially for the loss of a job and be grateful for an income since you now know nothing is promised (no matter how much you work or how deserving you may feel).

Pain Hurts, but Numbness Would Be Worse

Pain does not feel good, but the bad feeling of it will help you learn and grow. It makes the sweet moments in life even sweeter and the gratitude more sincere.

To have a happier and more successful life, you don’t learn from success or accomplishment, but through pain and failures. For it is in those moments that you learn how to do better in the future or at least cope a little more easily.

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You are the strong person you are today because of the hardships this life has presented to you. While you may have felt out of control when those hard times came, the one thing you will always have control over is how you choose to react to things. The next time you hurt or you’re angry or sad, acknowledge it and allow yourself to ruminate in it. Then take a deep breath and start learning from that pain. You’ve got this!

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1]University of Calgary: Why is Pain Important?
[2]Greater Good Magazine: The Importance of Pain

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