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Seeing Your Ex Partner Getting into a New Relationship Is Often Devastating, Here’s What to Do

Seeing Your Ex Partner Getting into a New Relationship Is Often Devastating, Here’s What to Do

So you’re casually checking out what’s up on Instagram’s “Explore” section and suddenly a photo of your ex with a new flame shows up.

Yes, your relationship ended but it is still awkward and somewhat devastating to see your former partner moving on, especially if the breakup is still fresh. Then, you start seeing them all over the place, laughing, having fun, and posting photos on social media profiles.

Like adding salt to the wound, people start texting to inform you about your ex’s new relationship. This leads to self-doubt, low self-esteem and in worst scenario – depression. Is there any way to overcome this? YES Of course!

Why is it hard to accept ex’s new relationship?

How many times have you promised yourself you’ll move on and stop thinking about your ex and his/her new relationship? We do it quite often. Sometimes we can’t help it and jealousy kicks in. Getting over your ex and the idea of them finding someone else already can be easier said than done.

According to one study, 88% of 18- to 35-year-olds have stalked their ex’s social media profiles and 80% of them also stalked their ex’s new partners.

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The more stalking occurred, the more distress we experience , scientists say. We always feel this urge to check their profiles, but it only causes more pain. It is not uncommon to develop symptoms of depression [1] including social isolation, feelings of helpless and worthlessness, guilt, difficulty concentrating, and others.

Why is it so difficult to just stop and move on?

No, you are not the problem here. Scientists explain that we are always in competition with our own sex. Since the ancient men and women natural instinct was to breed and fight for the alpha dog status, the devastation caused by ex’s new relationship is instinctive too. Subconsciously you think “that’s mine” despite being aware you’re not even together.

At one point or another, you start thinking maybe he/she will dump the new flame and you’ll be together. Deep down you know this outlook is detrimental to your emotional health and overall being at the same time. If you don’t move on and continue to dwell over your ex finding a new love, you’ll deprive yourself of the opportunity to find a new boy/girlfriend as well.

For instance, you may stress out over the fact your ex has a new flame but you don’t. But, just because you’re single it doesn’t mean you are emotionally available. Other people pick up on that and know you wouldn’t be able to commit. You owe it to yourself to move on and find the love, happiness, and a relationship that you deserve. But how to do it; you probably wonder. These tips can help.

Always remember…

Newer doesn’t always equal better

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One of the most common reasons why we can’t let go of the fact our ex has a new love is that we automatically assume this new person is better than you in every way. In order to overcome this problem, you should ditch those thoughts that say your ex got an upgrade. This new person in their life isn’t necessarily more attractive, smarter, or prettier than you are.

Bear in mind that the relationship ended because things didn’t work out, it’s life and those things happen to everyone. Banishing negative thoughts isn’t always easy, but with regular practice, you can do it successfully. Every time you start thinking the other person is better and you’re worthless, think of a reason to debunk those thoughts.

New relationship doesn’t erase the old one

It’s easy to think that the new relationship, especially if the breakup is fresh, erases everything you two had. But, that is impossible! No, this new person is not your replacement. In fact, he/she doesn’t want to be a mere replacement as well. The new relationship doesn’t come with some magical option that deletes a person’s past. Both of you will still share the same memories, it’s entirely natural. Accepting this fact is a part of growing up and acknowledging it is time to move on.

No, he/she didn’t win

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Okay, you’ve probably thought about this already; your ex won because he/she found a new guy or girl before you did. This isn’t about winning, how quickly you get into the new relationship depends on your needs and preferences. Your ex’s new relationship doesn’t make you a loser. And who cares whether someone else would consider the other person a winner. Two people were in a relationship, so someone else’s opinion shouldn’t knock you down.

Look for a role model

Humans learn not only from their own experiences but from other people too. We can strengthen our willpower just by learning from people we consider good role models. A practical way to deal with your ex’s new relationship is to look for a role model from your own life or pop culture i.e. any person who’s been in the same situation and overcame it successfully. It won’t take long, we’ve all been there. Now, in the moments of weakness and despair, think of your role model and how he/she tackled this situation and came out of it as a bigger, better person.

Get a hobby to have some fun

When we have too much time on our hands, we tend to think all kinds of things and they’re usually negative. You get caught up with one thought and it grows inside, makes you feel worse. You just need to preoccupy yourself, find a hobby, do something you’re passionate about. In turn, you’ll boost your confidence, reduce stress, feel emotionally better and the best thing of all – you won’t spend too much time focusing on your ex and his/her new partner.

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Watch out for the white bear

Psychologists define a white bear as an occurrence when we try not to think about something or someone and we end up thinking even more . Don’t be alarmed if your ex and his girl pop up in your mind from time to time. Let’s face it, sometimes you think of people from your high school too. Is that a sign of concern? No! Forcing yourself to stop thinking about them could induce the counterproductive effect. You just need a good strategy to deal with those thoughts such as finding a positive characteristic about yourself each time you think the other person is better (1st point).

Be patient and take your time to recover

When it comes to dealing with the ex moving on, we tend to feel depressed and hurt because we don’t expect them to do it so soon. This happens regardless of how long it’s been since breakup or who induced it. Sometimes you are the one who broke up, but you still feel upset when the ex moved on. Don’t take his/her actions as a measure of your own worth and avoid considering them as some sort of a payback. Remember, people, heal at different times and at different rates. The best thing to do is to focus on yourself, your emotional and physical wellbeing, and get back into the game to find a new, healthy relationship when you feel the time is right.

Getting over an ex is not the easiest thing in the world, particularly if the other person moved on and found someone else. This is a major blow to our self-esteem and mental health, but only because we tend to compare ourselves with other people. The key is to develop a positive mindset and have a healthy lifestyle [2]. You’ll move on at your own pace and stay open to a new relationship.

Reference

More by this author

Katleen Brown

Katleen is a health and beauty advisor.

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Published on October 30, 2020

11 Essential Philosophy Books That Will Open Your Mind

11 Essential Philosophy Books That Will Open Your Mind

There are numerous ways to build your mindset, but none are as profound as reading philosophy books. Through these books, some of the greatest minds around ask questions and delve deep into thought.

While there isn’t always a clear and distinct answer to the many questions of philosophy, the entire field is a gateway to a higher sense of self. It gets you to think about all manner of things.

Below, we cover some of the essential philosophy books that are best for those who are just starting or looking to expand their mind.

How To Choose a Good Philosophy Book

Before getting to this list, we’ve researched ideal philosophy books to help you expand your mind.

We’ve found that the best philosophy books excel in the following criteria:

  • Complexity – Philosophy isn’t a subject that you can’t dive into immediately and understand everything. The books that we selected are great for people making the first leap.
  • Viewpoint – With philosophy, in particular, the author’s views are more important than in your standard book. We want to ensure the viewpoints and thoughts being discussed still hold up to this day.
  • Open-mindedness – Philosophy is all about asking perplexing questions and unraveling the answer. You might not reach a conclusion in the end, but these books are designed to get you to think.
  • Culture – The last criterion is culture. A lot of these books come from early philosophers from centuries ago or possibly from recent years. These philosophy books should paint a picture of the culture.

1. Meditations

    One that you’ll find on many of these types of lists is Meditations and for good reason. It’s the only document of its kind to ever be made. The book focuses on the private thoughts of the world’s most powerful man who advises himself revolving around making good on his responsibilities and the obligations of his position.

    We know enough about Marcus Aurelius to know that he was trained in stoic philosophy and practiced every night on a series of spirituality exercises. These exercises were designed to make him humble, patient, empathetic, generous, and strong in the face of whatever problem he had to face off. And he faced plenty of problems since he was basically the emperor of roughly a third of the planet.

    All of that is poured into this book, and you are bound to remember a line or more that will be applicable in your life. It’s a philosophy book staple.

    Buy Meditations here.

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    2. Letters From a Stoic

      Similar to Marcus Aurelius, Seneca was another powerful man in Rome. He was a brilliant writer at the time and was the kind of guy to give great advice to his most trusted friends. Fortunately, much of his advice comes in letters, and those letters happen to be in this book. The letters themselves provided advice on dealing with grief, wealth, poverty, success, failure, education, and more.

      While Seneca was a stoic, he has a more practical approach and has borrowed from other schools of thought for his advice. As he said when he was alive, “I don’t care about the author if the line is good.” Similar to Meditations, there are several brilliant lines and advice that are still relevant to this day.

      Buy “Letters From a Stoic” here.

      3. Nicomachean Ethics

        Aristotle was a famous Greek philosopher at the time with profound knowledge. He’s named after a form of logic as well called Aristotelian logic. Through this book, Aristotle writes about the root of all Aristotelian ethics. In other words, this book contains the moral ideas that form a base for pretty much all of western civilization.

        Buy “Nicomachean Ethics” here.

        4. Beyond Good & Evil

          Friedrich Nietzsche played a big role in the philosophical world. He was one of the leading philosophers of the existential movement, and it all came through this particular book. He is a brilliant mind. However, the issue with a lot of his work is that it’s all written in German.

          Fortunately, this book is one of the slightly more accessible ones since it’s translated. Within the book, he breaks down the paradoxes of conventional understandings of morality. By doing this, he sets the stage for a lot of the 20th-century thought process that followed.

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          Buy “Beyond Good & Evil” here.

          5. Meditations on First Philosophy

            In Meditations on First Philosophy, René Descartes breaks his book down into six meditations. The book takes a journalistic style that is structured much like a six-day course of meditation. On day one, he gives instructions on discarding all belief in things that are not guaranteed. After that, he tries to establish what can be known for sure. Similar to Meditations, this is a staple and influential philosophical text that you can pick up.

            Buy “Meditations on First Philosophy” here.

            6. Ethics

              Written by Benedict de Spinoza, this came at a time during the Age of Enlightenment. Enlightenment was a movement that dominated the world of ideas in Europe during the 17th and 18th centuries and with that, many schools of thought emerged and were presented through books.

              Out of the many influential philosophy books published back then, Ethics dominated during this period as it discussed the basis of rationalism. Even though we’ve developed further beyond that, Ethics can introduce new ways of thinking from this particular school of thought.

              Buy “Ethics” here.

              7. Critique of Pure Reason

                Immanuel Kant is another great philosopher who brought together two of history’s biggest opposing schools of thought into a single book. Those schools being rational thought and empirical experiential knowledge—knowledge gained through experience.

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                In Critique of Pure Reason, Kant explores human reason and then works to establish its illusions and get down to core constituents. Overall, you can learn more about human behavior and thought processes and thus, open your mind more to how you think and process everything around you.

                Buy “Critique of Pure Reason” here.

                8. On the Genealogy of Morals

                  Another piece of work from Nietzsche that is accessible to us is On the Genealogy of Morals. According to Nietzsche, the purpose of this book is to call attention to his previous writings. That said, it does more than that so you don’t need to worry so much about reading his other books.

                  In this book, he expands on the cryptic aphorisms that he brings up in Beyond Good and Evil and offers a discussion or morality in a work that is more accessible than a lot of his previous work.

                  Buy “On the Genealogy of Morals” here.

                  9. Everything Is F*cked

                    The only book on this list that’s been written in the past few years, this book by Mark Manson aims to explain why we all need hope while also accepting that hope can often lead us to ruin too.

                    While many of the books on this list are all practical, this one is the most realistic one since not even the greatest of philosophical minds could predict things like technology, Twitter, and how our political world has shaped.

                    Manson delivers a profound book that taps into the minds of our ancestral philosophers, such as Plato, Nietzsche, and Tom Waits, and digs deep into various topics and how all of it is connected—religion and politics, our relationship with money, entertainment, and the internet.

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                    Overall, this book serves as a challenge to all of us—a challenge to be more honest with ourselves and connect with the world in a way we’ve never tried before.

                    Buy “Everything Is F*cked” here.

                    10. Reasons and Persons

                      One of the most challenging philosophy books to read on this list, Reasons and Persons will send you on quite the trip. Through a lot of painstaking logic, Derek Parfit shows us some unique perspectives on self-interest, personhood, and whether our actions are good or evil.

                      Considered by many to be an important psychological text around the 20th century, the arguments made about those topics will open your mind to a brand new way of thinking.

                      Buy “Reasons and Persons” here.

                      11. The Republic of Plato

                        Written by Plato himself, this book is the origin of political science and offers a brilliant critique of government. As you would expect, the critique is still important today. If you’re looking to understand the inner thoughts of Plato, this is one of the best books around.

                        Buy “The Republic of Plato” here.

                        Final Thoughts

                        Philosophy books take a while to digest as they provide profound knowledge and leave you with many questions. With many of these philosophy books, you need to take your time with them, and you might have to read through them a few times as well. And with every read, your mind will only expand.

                        More Books to Open Your Mind

                        Featured photo credit: Laura Chouette via unsplash.com

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