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Seeing Your Ex Partner Getting into a New Relationship Is Often Devastating, Here’s What to Do

Seeing Your Ex Partner Getting into a New Relationship Is Often Devastating, Here’s What to Do

So you’re casually checking out what’s up on Instagram’s “Explore” section and suddenly a photo of your ex with a new flame shows up.

Yes, your relationship ended but it is still awkward and somewhat devastating to see your former partner moving on, especially if the breakup is still fresh. Then, you start seeing them all over the place, laughing, having fun, and posting photos on social media profiles.

Like adding salt to the wound, people start texting to inform you about your ex’s new relationship. This leads to self-doubt, low self-esteem and in worst scenario – depression. Is there any way to overcome this? YES Of course!

Why is it hard to accept ex’s new relationship?

How many times have you promised yourself you’ll move on and stop thinking about your ex and his/her new relationship? We do it quite often. Sometimes we can’t help it and jealousy kicks in. Getting over your ex and the idea of them finding someone else already can be easier said than done.

According to one study, 88% of 18- to 35-year-olds have stalked their ex’s social media profiles and 80% of them also stalked their ex’s new partners.

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The more stalking occurred, the more distress we experience , scientists say. We always feel this urge to check their profiles, but it only causes more pain. It is not uncommon to develop symptoms of depression [1] including social isolation, feelings of helpless and worthlessness, guilt, difficulty concentrating, and others.

Why is it so difficult to just stop and move on?

No, you are not the problem here. Scientists explain that we are always in competition with our own sex. Since the ancient men and women natural instinct was to breed and fight for the alpha dog status, the devastation caused by ex’s new relationship is instinctive too. Subconsciously you think “that’s mine” despite being aware you’re not even together.

At one point or another, you start thinking maybe he/she will dump the new flame and you’ll be together. Deep down you know this outlook is detrimental to your emotional health and overall being at the same time. If you don’t move on and continue to dwell over your ex finding a new love, you’ll deprive yourself of the opportunity to find a new boy/girlfriend as well.

For instance, you may stress out over the fact your ex has a new flame but you don’t. But, just because you’re single it doesn’t mean you are emotionally available. Other people pick up on that and know you wouldn’t be able to commit. You owe it to yourself to move on and find the love, happiness, and a relationship that you deserve. But how to do it; you probably wonder. These tips can help.

Always remember…

Newer doesn’t always equal better

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One of the most common reasons why we can’t let go of the fact our ex has a new love is that we automatically assume this new person is better than you in every way. In order to overcome this problem, you should ditch those thoughts that say your ex got an upgrade. This new person in their life isn’t necessarily more attractive, smarter, or prettier than you are.

Bear in mind that the relationship ended because things didn’t work out, it’s life and those things happen to everyone. Banishing negative thoughts isn’t always easy, but with regular practice, you can do it successfully. Every time you start thinking the other person is better and you’re worthless, think of a reason to debunk those thoughts.

New relationship doesn’t erase the old one

It’s easy to think that the new relationship, especially if the breakup is fresh, erases everything you two had. But, that is impossible! No, this new person is not your replacement. In fact, he/she doesn’t want to be a mere replacement as well. The new relationship doesn’t come with some magical option that deletes a person’s past. Both of you will still share the same memories, it’s entirely natural. Accepting this fact is a part of growing up and acknowledging it is time to move on.

No, he/she didn’t win

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Okay, you’ve probably thought about this already; your ex won because he/she found a new guy or girl before you did. This isn’t about winning, how quickly you get into the new relationship depends on your needs and preferences. Your ex’s new relationship doesn’t make you a loser. And who cares whether someone else would consider the other person a winner. Two people were in a relationship, so someone else’s opinion shouldn’t knock you down.

Look for a role model

Humans learn not only from their own experiences but from other people too. We can strengthen our willpower just by learning from people we consider good role models. A practical way to deal with your ex’s new relationship is to look for a role model from your own life or pop culture i.e. any person who’s been in the same situation and overcame it successfully. It won’t take long, we’ve all been there. Now, in the moments of weakness and despair, think of your role model and how he/she tackled this situation and came out of it as a bigger, better person.

Get a hobby to have some fun

When we have too much time on our hands, we tend to think all kinds of things and they’re usually negative. You get caught up with one thought and it grows inside, makes you feel worse. You just need to preoccupy yourself, find a hobby, do something you’re passionate about. In turn, you’ll boost your confidence, reduce stress, feel emotionally better and the best thing of all – you won’t spend too much time focusing on your ex and his/her new partner.

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Watch out for the white bear

Psychologists define a white bear as an occurrence when we try not to think about something or someone and we end up thinking even more . Don’t be alarmed if your ex and his girl pop up in your mind from time to time. Let’s face it, sometimes you think of people from your high school too. Is that a sign of concern? No! Forcing yourself to stop thinking about them could induce the counterproductive effect. You just need a good strategy to deal with those thoughts such as finding a positive characteristic about yourself each time you think the other person is better (1st point).

Be patient and take your time to recover

When it comes to dealing with the ex moving on, we tend to feel depressed and hurt because we don’t expect them to do it so soon. This happens regardless of how long it’s been since breakup or who induced it. Sometimes you are the one who broke up, but you still feel upset when the ex moved on. Don’t take his/her actions as a measure of your own worth and avoid considering them as some sort of a payback. Remember, people, heal at different times and at different rates. The best thing to do is to focus on yourself, your emotional and physical wellbeing, and get back into the game to find a new, healthy relationship when you feel the time is right.

Getting over an ex is not the easiest thing in the world, particularly if the other person moved on and found someone else. This is a major blow to our self-esteem and mental health, but only because we tend to compare ourselves with other people. The key is to develop a positive mindset and have a healthy lifestyle [2]. You’ll move on at your own pace and stay open to a new relationship.

Reference

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Published on November 28, 2018

How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind

How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind

The woman in yoga pants sitting in a lotus position atop a rocky cliff, overlooking a valley draped in fog — this is the glamorized version of meditation you’ll come across as you search. Yet if you’re seeking meditation to calm your mind, a fantastic setting with no distractions is rarely available.

So how to do meditation?

The truth about meditation is it’s an everyday practice for anybody. You could be a mountain climber or you could be an accountant — either way, your home is just as good a place for meditation as any.

Are you seeking to corral your racing thoughts and relieve a sense of unease, awkwardness, or uncertainty? Look to home meditation to cultivate a laid-back, creative, confident, and organized frame of mind. According to extensive scientific research, meditation relieves stress and anxiety, decreases blood pressure, improves sleep, and improves your ability to pay attention. [1]

From start to finish, this article will give you quick, easy steps to follow so that you can meditate at home regularly. You’ll begin by assessing, identifying and altering things that need to change in your home environment. You’ll end by understanding the basics of meditation so that you can let yourself do what you already know how to do deep down in the hidden reality of your mind.

You’re ready to let your mind be, and just be, in your own home — let’s begin.

1. Find the Right Space in Your Home

Where is your right space for meditation at home? Is it in your basement, your bedroom, your living room, or your study?

The right space will be one with the least distractions built in to its purpose. In that case, it may be your bedroom. If you’ve set up your bedroom to be a place for sleep and only sleep, it will lend itself well to meditation.

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The right space will also be a reasonably spacious one. Although comfort is not your goal, you need room to sit. Choose a space that is private, spacious, and quiet. If you don’t have a space in your home like this, create one. Free it from clutter and get it ready for you to meditate there any time.

Ultimately, your right space is one you feel comfortable meditating in, the space you can enter with no other expectations.

2. Improve the Feng Shui in Your Home and Meditation Space

Feng shui means “wind and water.” It’s the ancient Chinese art of placement.[2]

Feng shui improves harmony with nature. Adherents to the principles of feng shui believe all things have energy (chi). The focus of feng shui is to send negative chi (sha) out of the space and attract positive chi (yun).

Here’s the truth about feng shui: it’s not complicated or hard. The following will influence feng shui positively in your home and meditation space:

  • Living things, such as plants
  • Beautiful objects, such as sculptures or even a well-polished piece of driftwood
  • Mirrors in symmetrical placement with the lines in a room
  • Mellifluous sounds, such as trickling water or wind chimes
  • Furniture away from walls
  • A centerpiece, such as a small table with books or an ornate lamp on it
  • Incense or something else that smells good
  • A lack of clutter and an attention to organization that emphasizes the usefulness, purpose, and essential being of each item in your house

Given that feng shui is connected to Taoism and Buddhism, it will complement the meditative atmosphere you want to cultivate in your home.

3. Eliminate Pervasive Distractions That Can Harm Your Wellbeing

In part, meditation is about accepting the existence of distractions. When you meditate, you don’t judge and assign a positive or a negative value to distractions — the ticking of a clock, an itch, the barking of a dog — you let them occur and let them dissipate like waves.

However, in the same way that feng shui removes objects that attract negative chi, there are certain types of distractions that don’t belong in your meditative space. You must remove them.

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In a survey of 1,700 people who visited social media sites at least 30 times per week, 30 percent reported high levels of sleep disturbance and 25 percent presented symptoms of depression. [3]

Those individuals who experience sleep disturbances or mental health issues due to social media are not setting boundaries between themselves and their connected devices.

Part of learning how to meditate at home is learning how and when to set boundaries between yourself and your connected devices and social media accounts. If you need your phone for a timed meditation practice, but you normally receive social media notifications on your phone, set it on Do Not Disturb or Airplane mode during your meditation time.

4. Flow into Meditation Through Time

Next, set aside a time for meditation each day. It’s right to be structured and disciplined about your meditation time.

Buddhist monks whose lives revolve around meditation are very structured and organized with their tasks each day. Structure provides the balance your being needs. Once you are meditating, your mind has no need for time. Outside of your given meditation time, you are completing tasks essential to the wellbeing of yourself and your home.

Consider meditating as the sun rises. This is a quiet and contemplative time of the day when it is natural to set your day’s balance through meditation.

5. Recognize the Rightness of Doing Nothing

At home, you’re probably used to always doing something. When you do meditation at home, you are being, which is doing something and nothing simultaneously.

Maryville University points out that successful people unplug by doing nothing. [4] Not only this, but they set the right expectations for the time during which they will do nothing.

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We oftentimes look forward to the future by expecting something to happen and by expecting something of ourselves. To meditate from home, look to that time and that space by expecting nothing. You will not do any chores. You will not catch up on work. You will do nothing but meditate for a certain amount of time each day.

This might sound crazy, but in taking on meditation from home, you’re not expecting yourself to improve and become a better person. As Ram Dass put it, you are expecting yourself to be here now.

6. Choose from the Incredible Variety of Meditative Practices

As I outlined in my post on types of meditation, there are many different and not-so-different types of meditation from which to choose.

Many beginners find it right to choose guided meditation, for which there are apps, videos, and audio tapes available.

If you are not necessarily a beginner but are merely moving your meditative practice into the home, you can facilitate a practice such as Nada Yoga — sound meditation — by placing a fountain in your space or listening to ambient alpha wave music.

If you’re used to meditating outside of your home — perhaps you are drawn to the outdoors because of the sounds of nature — a practice like Nada Yoga can help you transition into your home space.

7. Understand You Can Meditate Any Time at Home

What if I told you to throw out all of the tips that came before this? Sounds crazy but that is how radical mindfulness meditation really is. We don’t think of it as radical because it is now ingrained in our popular discourse.

Mindfulness meditation does start as a sitting meditation practice. It goes like this:

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  1. Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
  2. Focus on breathing. Inhale through your nose slowly and exhale slowly.
  3. As distracting thoughts arise, don’t judge them and don’t hang onto them. Let each thought go as you focus on breathing.
  4. Treat all physical sensations and feelings in the same way you do thoughts: register them, then let them go, returning to breathing.
  5. Extend this practice to everyday activity, remaining “in the moment” of the body’s activity with each new breath.

As you practice mindfulness around your home, note the physical characteristics of the things in themselves. Note physical sensations: sounds, smells, textures, appearances, tastes. Stop now and then and do a body scan from head to toe, noting what each section is doing and how it’s feeling.

Note thoughts that come and the emotions attached to them: let them go. Concentrate on the breath and the physical activities — including the details of the objects with which you’re interacting.

You’ll notice that your home will lend itself to a meditative state when things are in order. This is where true feng shui originates. You will naturally sense how the arrangement of things affects the energy in a room.

Clutter will disappear because mindfulness tells you to dispose of unnecessary things. Plants will bloom. Birds will make their nests in your backyard. Your home will smell pleasing and people will naturally be attracted to it and your presence.

You’ve Reached the Beginning and the End

Once you are able to do mindfulness meditation even as you are attending to the normal and abnormal requirements of your home, the mundane and the unusual, you are at both the beginning and the end.

You are at the beginning because meditation never ends. Continue setting aside time each day to do sitting meditation in the space you’ve set aside. Continue practicing mindfulness as you attend to the energy of your house, your own energy, and the energy of those around you.

You are at the end because you grasped what it means to do meditation at home: it means letting go of cares and concerns and being in your home as you attend to the right tasks. The right tasks are those necessary for being in your home.

As you sit in your home, rise, open the door and you leave, you are calm in your mind because you are home.

Featured photo credit: Simon Rae via unsplash.com

Reference

[1]Healthline: 12 Science-Based Benefits of Meditation
[2]Marquette University: Feng Shui: The Wind and Water
[3]Rutgers University: Social Media and Well-Being
[4]Maryville University: How Successful People Unplug

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