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To Make a Long Distance Relationship Work, the First Thing Is to Overcome Jealousy

To Make a Long Distance Relationship Work, the First Thing Is to Overcome Jealousy

There’s that moment—that flash of jealousy you can’t control when you hear that your significant other (SO) has been spending time with someone else—and you’re hundreds or thousands of miles away. It’s a totally normal feeling, but it can ruin meaningful relationships if it gets out of hand.

When you’re dealing with jealousy in a long distance relationship (LDR), it doesn’t just negatively impact your relationship, it can also affect your everyday life. You may start to feel resentful of your partner, angry at the people around them who get to spend time with them, and you’ll be focusing on those emotions instead of work, school, or your other relationships.

Jealously in a LDR can be difficult to solve, because there are communication barriers involved, and you can’t see what’s really happening or feel any sense of control over the situation.

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Even though it may be a challenge to overcome jealousy in a LDR, it’s essential to do so if the relationship is going to last until you can be together again. Being consistently jealous isn’t good for your emotional or physical well-being, and jealousy can erode trust between you and your partner.

The good news? There are some strategies you can use to help overcome jealousy and maintain a fulfilling long distance relationship. Here are a few ways to get started on your path to a healthier, happier LDR[1] and let go of jealousy.

Comparison is always toxic

When jealousy does come up, stop reading into every little thing. Don’t compare yourself[2]to other people who may be involved in the situation. Instead, consider why these feelings are coming up.

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Is there a trust issue in the relationship? Has your partner repeatedly engaged in behavior that makes you uncomfortable?

When you start feeling jealous, it’s important to take a step back and think about the real problem. In some cases, it may just be your tendency to experience jealousy, which is something you’ll want to work on—use it to challenge yourself and make positive changes. In other cases, it may be a sign that something isn’t quite right in the relationship.

Remember both of you are imperfect and are going to have bad days

You’re not perfect, and neither is your SO. You’re both going to have bad days, and it’s not realistic to think that you can get rid of jealousy altogether. Forgive yourself for those feelings, and then work on them.

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Use some of the strategies you’ve learned, and examine why you’re feeling jealous—and how you can react in a healthy way. Success isn’t about always controlling your emotions—it’s sometimes about controlling your reactions so you don’t make the situation worse.

Schedule Time for Deep Connection

We all have busy lives, and it’s much easier to make time for our partners when they’re nearby. In LDRs, it’s all too common to have conflicting schedules and not make the time to fully communicate.

However, strong relationships need nurturing, whether that’s through phone calls, Skype dates, or in-person visits. With the ongoing progress in virtual reality[3], you may even be able to be (virtually) in the same room one day! Overcoming jealousy involves at lot of work on both your part and your partner’s, but new technology tools make it easier than ever to make time for one another—you can even go on a walk[4] together with FaceTime!

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Ongoing virtual communication and attention is important, but it’s also important to make a schedule for in-person visits (or at least some ground rules). That gives you both something to look forward to, and makes being apart a little easier.

Do the Things That Help You Keep Calm and Relaxed

When it comes to overcoming jealous feelings, anxiety can really sabotage your progress. Remaining calm is a great way to help overcome jealousy—and it will improve your overall well-being as well! Staying calm is easier said than done, so you’ll need to make use of both long term and short term methods to achieve a relaxed and calm attitude.

You can start off with simple methods like deep breathing and stress balls, but you’ll also want to incorporate other methods into your life. Yoga and other forms of exercise will improve your mood and give you a self-confidence boost, while meditation and acupuncture[5] can help you calm down and look at the world with more gratitude and relaxation.

Overcoming jealousy in an LDR is always a work in progress, but it can help you develop a deep and lasting relationship with your SO!

Reference

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Last Updated on August 16, 2018

Narcissistic Personality: What Is It and How to Deal with a Narcissist?

Narcissistic Personality: What Is It and How to Deal with a Narcissist?

He asks you for your opinion, but only follows his own advice regardless of what you say.She loves to talk about herself, everything about her is just better than you.  When you try to share anything happy about yourself, she seriously doubts it.

If you know someone who acts like these examples, there’s a chance they might be a narcissist.

What is a narcissistic personality?

Narcissism is a spectrum personality disorder which most of us have.

In popular culture, narcissism is interpreted as a person who’s in love with themselves, more accurately, their idealized selves. Narcissists believe that they are too unique to be understood and that they are so good that they demand for admiration from others.

Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that,[1]

the narcissist is someone who has buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) describes narcissistic personality as a personality disorder. It is a spectrum disorder, which means it exists on a continuum ranging from some narcissistic traits to the full-blown personality disorder.[2]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not very common, but the truth is, we all have some of the narcissistic traits.

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Traits of a narcissist:

  • They have a deep need for admiration and validation. They think they’re special and too unique to be understood.
  • They feel they are superior to other. They achieve more and know a lot more than you.
  • They do not show their vulnerabilities. They fear what others think of them and they want to remain superior in all situations.
  • They are unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. They want to be the centre of attention and believe that showing emotions is a sign of weakness.
  • They are skilled manipulators and are emotionally abusive. They know how to make use of their charm to take advantage of others to get what they want.

How are narcissists different from others?

Narcissism expert and the author of Narcissism in a Nutshell, Zari Ballard, tried to answer some common questions asked by non-narcissists about what a narcissist thinks and feels from a narcissist’s perspective.[3]

Do narcissists know they are narcissists and are they happy?

We could really care less about how others feel. We enjoy our so called cold existence. True narcissists don’t want to change. We feel in total control of our lives using this method.

Do narcissists know or understand right from wrong?

Narcissists know the difference between right and wrong because they understand cause and effect. There is no “guilty conscience” giving them a clue and they are displaying the symptom of being “indifferent to social norms” while most likely presenting as ‘cold-hearted.’

Narcissists have a very different thinking mechanism. They see things from a different perspective. Unlike non-narcissists and empaths, they don’t have much sympathy and are reluctant to show emotions to others.

Why do people become narcissists?

1. Narcissism is vulnerability taken to an extreme.

The root of a narcissistic personality is a strong resistance to feeling vulnerable with anyone.[4]

Narcissists refuse to put themselves in a position where they feel vulnerable. They fear that others will take advantage of their weaknesses, so they learn to camouflage their weaknesses by acting strong and powerful. The think showing emotions to others is a sign of weakness, so they learn to hide their emotions and act cold-hearted most of the times.

Narcissists live in a state of anxiety because they are highly aware of their emotions and how others think of them.

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Vulnerability aversion, is the root of a narcissistic personality.

2. A narcissistic personality could be a result of a wounded past.

Narcissists are desperate to seek validation constantly because they either didn’t feel worthwhile and valued in the past, or were being paid too much attention as the most precious and unique one in the world.

Faulty or inadequate parenting, for example a lack of limit setting, is believed to be a major cause, and both permissive and authoritarian styles of parenting have been found to promote narcissistic symptoms.[5]

Both parents who fail to see the worth in a child, and parents who spoil and give excessive praise to the child promote narcissism as the child grows. While the former ones make the child feel inferior of others and want to get more attention, the latter ones encourage an idealized-self in the child.

How to deal with a narcissist?

1. If someone close to you is a narcissist, embrace the differences.

There’re different personality types and not everyone will think and act the same as you do. Instead of trying to change others, learn to accept the differences and strike a balance when you really have to communicate with them.

2. Don’t try to change them, focus on your own needs.

Try to understand that narcissists are resistant to change, it’s more important for you to see who they really are, instead of who you want them to be. Focus on how you feel, and what you want yourself to be.

Embrace the fact that there’re different types of personality and the only thing you can control is your attitude and your own actions.

3. Recognize what they do only comes from their insecurity.

Narcissists are quite vulnerable deep inside, they question others because that’s how they can make themselves feel better.

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When you learn that what a narcissist does to you is nothing personal, but something that comes from their insecurity, you know that sometimes they just need a certain amount of reassurance.

This is especially important if the narcissist is someone you have to closely work with, or if they’re your family member. The right amount of reassurance can calm them down and get the tasks on hand completed.

4. Ask them what would others think instead of what’d others feel.[6]

Narcissists don’t feel guilty, but they care about how others think of them deep in their heart.

Clinical psychologist Al Bernstein explains:

There are just things, like other people’s feelings, that narcissists rarely consider. If you have their ear, don’t tell them how people might react; instead, ask probing questions. Narcissists are much more likely to act on ideas that they think they thought up themselves.

If you have to work with a narcissist closely, focus on the facts and ideas, not the emotions.

5. Let go of the need of getting a narcissist’s approval.

You’re not who a narcissist says you are. Don’t let their blame game undermine your self-esteem, and don’t argue with them just to defend what you believe is right.

There is no point arguing with a narcissist just to prove them wrong because they will not give in proving themselves right. It’s more likely that you’ll get more upset when they disagree with you in an unpleasant way.

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Know your own worth and detach from a narcissist’s opinion on you.

6. If a narcissist is hurting you, stay away from them.

Remember, a healthy relationship is two-sided. It’s about mutual respect and it’s based on give and take. But any kind of relationship with a narcissist is likely to be the contrary, it’s about making the narcissist happy and constantly supporting them. A relationship like this will only weigh you down and is unhealthy for your growth.

7. Set a boundary and always keep it.

If you’re setting a boundary, you have to be willing to keep it. When a narcissist sees that you’re trying to take back control of your life, they will try to test your limits, it’s just their instinct to do it.

Be prepared that your boundary will be challenged. Make your boundary clear, have all the actions needed to be taken in your mind.

For example, if you have decided to stop communicating with them, they will likely to show up in front of you just to talk to you. Be brave enough to keep your boundary, don’t back down and get close to them again; or else they will not take your boundary seriously any more.

8. Learn when to walk away.

When a narcissist starts to make you feel uncomfortable and doubt about yourself, it’s time to pick yourself up and give yourself enough respect to just walk away from them.

If you’re in love with a narcissist, you should seriously think about ending the relationship and move on for a better life. If the narcissist is your family member, you don’t have to be cruel to them, but it’s better to keep distance from them.

Reference

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