Advertising
Advertising

Insecurities Are Hidden Wounds That Take Time to Heal in Any Relationships

Insecurities Are Hidden Wounds That Take Time to Heal in Any Relationships

It’s no coincidence that media will turn to the childhood stories to seek out where things went wrong when a star has a meltdown. The explanation might just be the attachment theory. This could also be part of the reason your relationships as an adult are suffering today. Find out what it is exactly and how you can help yourself heal from it today.

The attachment theory is the emotional and physical attachment you experience with your mom or dad growing up.[1]It was John Bowlby who first coined the phrase after doing studies on brain development in children. The study showed that when you have a strong bond with one or both of your guardians, you’re mentally more sound. Attachment will connect certain behaviors kids have. This includes seeking out the attachment figure when they feel threatened or afraid. Bowlby studied disturbed children and found that children really do need their mother in particular.

When there is a disconnection at a young age, it causes problems in adult relationships.

You may have unrealistic expectations that cause relationships to break down. Maybe you’ve never thought about what happens within you when anxiety builds up over small things. You may be overly jealous and hate yourself for it. These feelings don’t allow you to have a sense of peace in your life. This problem with attachment, in theory, may cause you to look like the psycho girlfriend or the over protective boyfriend. It may be that you have never known what it feels like to belong to something or feel secure.

Advertising

Whether a child feels secure plays an important role in how secure the adult feels.

Author Meghan Laslocky wrote a book about how to deal with heartbreak.[2] She attributed to knowing the ins and outs of the attachment theory. This helps you to understand where these needs come from. Once you know why you’re needing excess love, constant praise, and desperate for intimacy, you can start to move past it.

A child’s intimacy and sense of security with their primary caregiver will play an important role in how secure the adult feels in life.

There are various symptoms that come with a childhood where you weren’t given the proper love you needed.

Fear of intimacy might be one of the problems you have. You might avoid getting into a serious relationship so you don’t have to deal with the deep emotions that lie beneath.

Advertising

You never learned to open your heart to someone and the brain tells you it’s unfamiliar. When the brain hasn’t dealt with an experience before, it will produce your fight or flight response.

There’s no need to endure childhood emotions in your adult relationships any longer. There are ways that you can combat your insecure feelings though. You will not only get in touch with your own heart but you can share love with other, without the fear that you might get hurt.

Seeing a therapist about the deepest hurt you have will allow you to unpeel all of those layers.

For so long, you have been covering up your feelings that built up through not feeling loved as a child. Researchers Dr. Phillip Shaver and Dr. Cindy Hazan found that about 60 percent of people have a secure attachment, while 20 percent have an avoidance attachment, and 20 percent have an anxious attachment.[3]

Advertising

Seeing a therapist will help you uncover the pain that’s been sitting there for decades. This will allow the healing process to begin and you’ll be given tools to start rebuilding relationships.

There’re also more ways to fix your insecurity in any relationships.

If you believe that your relationships aren’t working because of your childhood experiences, there are some steps you can take.

  • Understand your attachment pattern by doing some research on attachment theory. There is plenty of information online from scientific to deeply emotional accounts. Find what resonates with you. Knowing what you’re dealing with will help you combat it.
  • Seek out friends and partners who exhibit secure attachment, this is the opposite of negative attachment styles. You don’t need a partner in crime full of their own emotional problems. Research has said that half of all adults have secure attachment. It’s believed that a positive experience with a person who is secure will help you deal with your insecurity.
  • If you’ve already fallen in love with someone, built a life, and both have similar issues with attachment, going to couples therapy might be helpful. If you can go through the journey of changing attachment patterns together, you can handle anything.
  • Staying relaxed is essential. With almost any type of therapy, the West has now recognized the need for calmness. The emotions that you experience as you uncover your childhood pain should include yoga and meditation. Centering yourself as you deal with emotional storms is a holistic means of powerful healing.

What you’ll get in return when you do heal is worth it.

Remember that secure attachment in your romantic relationships can extend to the rest of your life. Your interactions with the Starbucks barista can be more enriching. As you open your heart more naturally, you’ll gain more energy in your life.

Advertising

If you boost your security, you become more generous and compassionate. That feels really good too. The more you give, the more secure you will become as well.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

More by this author

Loraine Couturier

Content creation and marketing

How To Mend A Broken Heart After A Heart-breaking Goodbye Insecurities Are Hidden Wounds That Take Time to Heal in Any Relationships 7 Things “I Love You” Doesn’t Mean 7 Ways to Thrive Now By Fixing Mistakes From The Past 5 Non-Surgical Ways to Look Younger at 40

Trending in Psychology

1 How to Be Happy: Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You Unhappy 2 The Desire to Be Liked Will End You up Feeling More Rejected 3 Why a Life Without Pain Is the Guarantee to True Suffering 4 How to Increase Your Self Awareness to Be Much More Successful 5 How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on April 1, 2019

How to Be Happy: Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You Unhappy

How to Be Happy: Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You Unhappy

When we talk about happiness, we often think about staying happy all the time – every single day, every single minute with zero negativity. Many try to pursue this constant state of “happiness” as their ultimate goal, and avoid anything that may take it away from them.

But, what is the meaning of this type of “happiness”?

It’s a lot like your favorite food. The more often you have it isn’t always better. On the contrary, when you only have a chance to eat it sparingly, that’s when you really savor every bite. So is it the food itself that makes you happy, or is it how valuable it is to you when you are eating it?

Always remember that only by experiencing sadness do we understand what it is to be happy.

Advertising

Video Summary

Don’t Assume Others Are Always Happy

Most people see those who have seemingly perfect lives and assume they are happy all the time. Since childhood, we are conditioned to chase the idea of “happily-ever-after” that we see in fairytales. On social media, everyone tends to share only the best looking aspects of their lives. So, it’s very easy to have a distorted view of what “happiness” is around us.

In reality, there is always something missing, something lacking, or something unpleasant.

No one has a perfect life. Even the most glamorous celebrities or the richest billionaires have their own set of challenges and problems.

When we feel negative, we’re only focusing on a small fluctuating curve. As CEO of Lifehack, I’ve had to deal with countless problems, and some of them felt like real setbacks at the time. During those moments, it really seemed like these problems would be the life or death of my company and my life goals. But, I got through them; and, weeks, months and eventually years passed with many more ups and downs.

Advertising

You need to keep your sights on the extended curve.  Looking back now, a lot of those “really big” problems at the time now seem like only small blips in a long line of experiences. Recalling them in my mind now makes me smile!

Stop Trying to Be Happy–Just Be

It’s natural to want to be happy as often as possible.

So what can we do?

First, throw away the belief that a perfect life means happiness. Personally, I would be miserable if everything was perfect. It’s through experiencing the pains of lifelong challenges that drives us to care for others when they are experiencing similar trials. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t be able to empathize. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t grow.

Advertising

To be truly happy, stop chasing permanent happiness.

It sounds like a paradox. But, what I mean is to accept that there will be ups and downs throughout life. Gracefully understand that happiness is a fluctuation of positive and negative events.

Understand the importance of gratitude. Instead of focusing on the unpleasant moment, flash back your memory to when you didn’t have something. I like to think about my career, for example. When I didn’t have a career I was passionate about, I felt lost and demotivated. I felt like everyone was figuring out their lives but me. But, when I found my purpose and started Lifehack, I was deeply happy, even before I realized I would be successful! This memory keeps me going when I hit tough spots. It takes the darkness to make us grateful for the light.

Happiness and Sadness Exist Together

What it all comes down to is this: your life will be filled with beautiful, happy and incredible moments–happy tears and joyous shouts and funny stories. But, your life will also be filled with rain and storms that never seem like they will pass while you’re going through them.

Advertising

But, whether your face is warmed by the sunshine, or your heart is dampened by the rain, know that it’s all part of the ebb and flow of life.

Treasure the happy moments and power through the sad ones. Don’t try to avoid “sad” or “negative” experiences, and blindly chase being “happy”. In the end you will achieve a true level of contentment in your life, based on meaningful experiences and achievements. Being able to create growth and meaning out of both positive and negative events — that is the true meaning of “happiness”.

Read Next