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Insecurities Are Hidden Wounds That Take Time to Heal in Any Relationships

Insecurities Are Hidden Wounds That Take Time to Heal in Any Relationships

It’s no coincidence that media will turn to the childhood stories to seek out where things went wrong when a star has a meltdown. The explanation might just be the attachment theory. This could also be part of the reason your relationships as an adult are suffering today. Find out what it is exactly and how you can help yourself heal from it today.

The attachment theory is the emotional and physical attachment you experience with your mom or dad growing up.[1]It was John Bowlby who first coined the phrase after doing studies on brain development in children. The study showed that when you have a strong bond with one or both of your guardians, you’re mentally more sound. Attachment will connect certain behaviors kids have. This includes seeking out the attachment figure when they feel threatened or afraid. Bowlby studied disturbed children and found that children really do need their mother in particular.

When there is a disconnection at a young age, it causes problems in adult relationships.

You may have unrealistic expectations that cause relationships to break down. Maybe you’ve never thought about what happens within you when anxiety builds up over small things. You may be overly jealous and hate yourself for it. These feelings don’t allow you to have a sense of peace in your life. This problem with attachment, in theory, may cause you to look like the psycho girlfriend or the over protective boyfriend. It may be that you have never known what it feels like to belong to something or feel secure.

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Whether a child feels secure plays an important role in how secure the adult feels.

Author Meghan Laslocky wrote a book about how to deal with heartbreak.[2] She attributed to knowing the ins and outs of the attachment theory. This helps you to understand where these needs come from. Once you know why you’re needing excess love, constant praise, and desperate for intimacy, you can start to move past it.

A child’s intimacy and sense of security with their primary caregiver will play an important role in how secure the adult feels in life.

There are various symptoms that come with a childhood where you weren’t given the proper love you needed.

Fear of intimacy might be one of the problems you have. You might avoid getting into a serious relationship so you don’t have to deal with the deep emotions that lie beneath.

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You never learned to open your heart to someone and the brain tells you it’s unfamiliar. When the brain hasn’t dealt with an experience before, it will produce your fight or flight response.

There’s no need to endure childhood emotions in your adult relationships any longer. There are ways that you can combat your insecure feelings though. You will not only get in touch with your own heart but you can share love with other, without the fear that you might get hurt.

Seeing a therapist about the deepest hurt you have will allow you to unpeel all of those layers.

For so long, you have been covering up your feelings that built up through not feeling loved as a child. Researchers Dr. Phillip Shaver and Dr. Cindy Hazan found that about 60 percent of people have a secure attachment, while 20 percent have an avoidance attachment, and 20 percent have an anxious attachment.[3]

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Seeing a therapist will help you uncover the pain that’s been sitting there for decades. This will allow the healing process to begin and you’ll be given tools to start rebuilding relationships.

There’re also more ways to fix your insecurity in any relationships.

If you believe that your relationships aren’t working because of your childhood experiences, there are some steps you can take.

  • Understand your attachment pattern by doing some research on attachment theory. There is plenty of information online from scientific to deeply emotional accounts. Find what resonates with you. Knowing what you’re dealing with will help you combat it.
  • Seek out friends and partners who exhibit secure attachment, this is the opposite of negative attachment styles. You don’t need a partner in crime full of their own emotional problems. Research has said that half of all adults have secure attachment. It’s believed that a positive experience with a person who is secure will help you deal with your insecurity.
  • If you’ve already fallen in love with someone, built a life, and both have similar issues with attachment, going to couples therapy might be helpful. If you can go through the journey of changing attachment patterns together, you can handle anything.
  • Staying relaxed is essential. With almost any type of therapy, the West has now recognized the need for calmness. The emotions that you experience as you uncover your childhood pain should include yoga and meditation. Centering yourself as you deal with emotional storms is a holistic means of powerful healing.

What you’ll get in return when you do heal is worth it.

Remember that secure attachment in your romantic relationships can extend to the rest of your life. Your interactions with the Starbucks barista can be more enriching. As you open your heart more naturally, you’ll gain more energy in your life.

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If you boost your security, you become more generous and compassionate. That feels really good too. The more you give, the more secure you will become as well.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

More by this author

Loraine Couturier

Content creation and marketing

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Published on November 28, 2018

How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind

How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind

The woman in yoga pants sitting in a lotus position atop a rocky cliff, overlooking a valley draped in fog — this is the glamorized version of meditation you’ll come across as you search. Yet if you’re seeking meditation to calm your mind, a fantastic setting with no distractions is rarely available.

So how to do meditation?

The truth about meditation is it’s an everyday practice for anybody. You could be a mountain climber or you could be an accountant — either way, your home is just as good a place for meditation as any.

Are you seeking to corral your racing thoughts and relieve a sense of unease, awkwardness, or uncertainty? Look to home meditation to cultivate a laid-back, creative, confident, and organized frame of mind. According to extensive scientific research, meditation relieves stress and anxiety, decreases blood pressure, improves sleep, and improves your ability to pay attention. [1]

From start to finish, this article will give you quick, easy steps to follow so that you can meditate at home regularly. You’ll begin by assessing, identifying and altering things that need to change in your home environment. You’ll end by understanding the basics of meditation so that you can let yourself do what you already know how to do deep down in the hidden reality of your mind.

You’re ready to let your mind be, and just be, in your own home — let’s begin.

1. Find the Right Space in Your Home

Where is your right space for meditation at home? Is it in your basement, your bedroom, your living room, or your study?

The right space will be one with the least distractions built in to its purpose. In that case, it may be your bedroom. If you’ve set up your bedroom to be a place for sleep and only sleep, it will lend itself well to meditation.

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The right space will also be a reasonably spacious one. Although comfort is not your goal, you need room to sit. Choose a space that is private, spacious, and quiet. If you don’t have a space in your home like this, create one. Free it from clutter and get it ready for you to meditate there any time.

Ultimately, your right space is one you feel comfortable meditating in, the space you can enter with no other expectations.

2. Improve the Feng Shui in Your Home and Meditation Space

Feng shui means “wind and water.” It’s the ancient Chinese art of placement.[2]

Feng shui improves harmony with nature. Adherents to the principles of feng shui believe all things have energy (chi). The focus of feng shui is to send negative chi (sha) out of the space and attract positive chi (yun).

Here’s the truth about feng shui: it’s not complicated or hard. The following will influence feng shui positively in your home and meditation space:

  • Living things, such as plants
  • Beautiful objects, such as sculptures or even a well-polished piece of driftwood
  • Mirrors in symmetrical placement with the lines in a room
  • Mellifluous sounds, such as trickling water or wind chimes
  • Furniture away from walls
  • A centerpiece, such as a small table with books or an ornate lamp on it
  • Incense or something else that smells good
  • A lack of clutter and an attention to organization that emphasizes the usefulness, purpose, and essential being of each item in your house

Given that feng shui is connected to Taoism and Buddhism, it will complement the meditative atmosphere you want to cultivate in your home.

3. Eliminate Pervasive Distractions That Can Harm Your Wellbeing

In part, meditation is about accepting the existence of distractions. When you meditate, you don’t judge and assign a positive or a negative value to distractions — the ticking of a clock, an itch, the barking of a dog — you let them occur and let them dissipate like waves.

However, in the same way that feng shui removes objects that attract negative chi, there are certain types of distractions that don’t belong in your meditative space. You must remove them.

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In a survey of 1,700 people who visited social media sites at least 30 times per week, 30 percent reported high levels of sleep disturbance and 25 percent presented symptoms of depression. [3]

Those individuals who experience sleep disturbances or mental health issues due to social media are not setting boundaries between themselves and their connected devices.

Part of learning how to meditate at home is learning how and when to set boundaries between yourself and your connected devices and social media accounts. If you need your phone for a timed meditation practice, but you normally receive social media notifications on your phone, set it on Do Not Disturb or Airplane mode during your meditation time.

4. Flow into Meditation Through Time

Next, set aside a time for meditation each day. It’s right to be structured and disciplined about your meditation time.

Buddhist monks whose lives revolve around meditation are very structured and organized with their tasks each day. Structure provides the balance your being needs. Once you are meditating, your mind has no need for time. Outside of your given meditation time, you are completing tasks essential to the wellbeing of yourself and your home.

Consider meditating as the sun rises. This is a quiet and contemplative time of the day when it is natural to set your day’s balance through meditation.

5. Recognize the Rightness of Doing Nothing

At home, you’re probably used to always doing something. When you do meditation at home, you are being, which is doing something and nothing simultaneously.

Maryville University points out that successful people unplug by doing nothing. [4] Not only this, but they set the right expectations for the time during which they will do nothing.

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We oftentimes look forward to the future by expecting something to happen and by expecting something of ourselves. To meditate from home, look to that time and that space by expecting nothing. You will not do any chores. You will not catch up on work. You will do nothing but meditate for a certain amount of time each day.

This might sound crazy, but in taking on meditation from home, you’re not expecting yourself to improve and become a better person. As Ram Dass put it, you are expecting yourself to be here now.

6. Choose from the Incredible Variety of Meditative Practices

As I outlined in my post on types of meditation, there are many different and not-so-different types of meditation from which to choose.

Many beginners find it right to choose guided meditation, for which there are apps, videos, and audio tapes available.

If you are not necessarily a beginner but are merely moving your meditative practice into the home, you can facilitate a practice such as Nada Yoga — sound meditation — by placing a fountain in your space or listening to ambient alpha wave music.

If you’re used to meditating outside of your home — perhaps you are drawn to the outdoors because of the sounds of nature — a practice like Nada Yoga can help you transition into your home space.

7. Understand You Can Meditate Any Time at Home

What if I told you to throw out all of the tips that came before this? Sounds crazy but that is how radical mindfulness meditation really is. We don’t think of it as radical because it is now ingrained in our popular discourse.

Mindfulness meditation does start as a sitting meditation practice. It goes like this:

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  1. Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
  2. Focus on breathing. Inhale through your nose slowly and exhale slowly.
  3. As distracting thoughts arise, don’t judge them and don’t hang onto them. Let each thought go as you focus on breathing.
  4. Treat all physical sensations and feelings in the same way you do thoughts: register them, then let them go, returning to breathing.
  5. Extend this practice to everyday activity, remaining “in the moment” of the body’s activity with each new breath.

As you practice mindfulness around your home, note the physical characteristics of the things in themselves. Note physical sensations: sounds, smells, textures, appearances, tastes. Stop now and then and do a body scan from head to toe, noting what each section is doing and how it’s feeling.

Note thoughts that come and the emotions attached to them: let them go. Concentrate on the breath and the physical activities — including the details of the objects with which you’re interacting.

You’ll notice that your home will lend itself to a meditative state when things are in order. This is where true feng shui originates. You will naturally sense how the arrangement of things affects the energy in a room.

Clutter will disappear because mindfulness tells you to dispose of unnecessary things. Plants will bloom. Birds will make their nests in your backyard. Your home will smell pleasing and people will naturally be attracted to it and your presence.

You’ve Reached the Beginning and the End

Once you are able to do mindfulness meditation even as you are attending to the normal and abnormal requirements of your home, the mundane and the unusual, you are at both the beginning and the end.

You are at the beginning because meditation never ends. Continue setting aside time each day to do sitting meditation in the space you’ve set aside. Continue practicing mindfulness as you attend to the energy of your house, your own energy, and the energy of those around you.

You are at the end because you grasped what it means to do meditation at home: it means letting go of cares and concerns and being in your home as you attend to the right tasks. The right tasks are those necessary for being in your home.

As you sit in your home, rise, open the door and you leave, you are calm in your mind because you are home.

Featured photo credit: Simon Rae via unsplash.com

Reference

[1]Healthline: 12 Science-Based Benefits of Meditation
[2]Marquette University: Feng Shui: The Wind and Water
[3]Rutgers University: Social Media and Well-Being
[4]Maryville University: How Successful People Unplug

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