Advertising
Advertising

When Parents Are Trying Too Hard, Loving Their Kids Becomes Destroying Them

When Parents Are Trying Too Hard, Loving Their Kids Becomes Destroying Them

Parenthood is a constant question with no definite answer. Will this benefit my child? How will my choices and actions affect them in the future? The truth is, everyone is doing their best. And as a parent trying their best, you must understand that your child is also doing their best. In your efforts to push them to success, you may be hurting their self-esteem [1] in the process.

Expectation Isn’t Everything

All parents want what is best for their kids, and for them to have the opportunities that they didn’t. Or perhaps they just want them to follow in their footsteps to achieve the level of greatness that they have, or better. That’s why they choose to instill those values in them at an early age. To work hard, and to do well.

Children absolutely need that encouragement and that support to excel and flourish. But there definitely is a limit. When the need for success is taking a toll on your child’s happiness, [2] parents need to look at the bigger picture here. Their personal well-being is more important than achieving a perfect score. Parents’ needs for their flawless success could be blinding them from their deflating ego. While children need their parents’ support to thrive, they need it even more when they fail.

We all excel in different forms of intelligence.

This unnerving need to succeed, achieve, and win can have some very negative effects on a developing child’s well-being. They will harbor this supposed value throughout their lives, leaving them completely devastated in the event that they inevitably fail. College students especially struggle with this when they are unable to achieve sometimes unrealistic expectations.

Advertising

This negative reaction to failure is an indication of low self-esteem, which is a learned reaction that deepens over time. To these kids, it is completely unacceptable and they are less of a person for making a mistake.

What these children never learned, because their parents may have not been aware, is that there are nine types of intelligence’s.[3] Just because an individual does not excel in one area does not mean that they are unintelligent or incapable.

  1. Nature Intelligence
  2. Musical Intelligence
  3. Logical-Mathematical Intelligence
  4. Existential Intelligence
  5. Interpersonal Intelligence
  6. Bodily-Kinetic Intelligence
  7. Linguistic Intelligence
  8. Personal Intelligence
  9. Spatial Intelligence

If your child is struggling academically, look at their strengths and weaknesses. Help them to excel in the areas that naturally “click” with them, and get them extra help where they might come up short. Consider your own strengths and weaknesses, are they similar to your children?

Pressuring the children can cause them not to trust their parents.

Although parents may think they are disciplining their kids for the good, they could actually be doing them more damage than good. Because these children are intimidated by their parents, they are less likely to approach them during a time of need.

Advertising

Children may assume that their parents lack all capability of understanding, so instead of asking your permission for anything, they will sneak around. Children of strict parents tend to become masterfully manipulative and deceitful; a well honed skill that they acquired after years of tyrannical oppression.

This lack of trust is incredibly damaging to an emotionally developing individual. They need an environment where they are allowed to make choices, and don’t question if they’ll receive their parent’s support if they make a mistake.

There are some methods to help nurture children’s self esteem.

It can be difficult to watch from the passenger side when all you want to do is grab the wheel. But you’ve raised a very capable little human, and you need to let them fall a few times so they know how to pick themselves back up. Here are a few tips [4] to help them learn for themselves and build up their confidence.

Praise them for their efforts, not their outcomes.

The common term “ya win some ya loose some” takes strong precedence here. Because although it is cliché, the fact that they tried really is the most important aspect of all. What techniques did they use in the process? What are some ways that they overcame obstacles and thought outside of the box? These are the variables that you need to focus on, so that next time they will do better. Praise them for those little accomplishments along the way. Next time they will take them so much further.

Advertising

Let them fail and own the consequences.

The best way to learn is by experience. You can tell someone not to do something time and time again, but that curiosity will get the best of them eventually. Instead of sheltering and shielding them, allow them to make some mistakes. Allow them to fail. Let them find their own way to absolve the situation or at least learn from it.

This will help them to build their confidence and self awareness. It hurts to watch them fall, but think of how proud you will be when they dust themselves off and outsmart the odds.

Don’t focus on the negatives, look for the strengths.

Remember what we spoke about the nine intelligence’s? Well, they’re making a comeback. Instead of focusing on what your child cannot do, help them search for what they can. They’re not a failure because they’re not an all-star athlete like their parent. Perhaps they are book smart or artistically talented instead. Help them to identify these strengths and nurture them. You will have a common goal, and it will only bring you closer.

Give them responsibilities.

By doing so, you are putting your trust in them to do a job well done. It is now their personal responsibility to complete these tasks, which gives them a sense of obligation and achievement.

Advertising

Home is where the heart is.

Make sure that they know no matter what, home is where they can feel sake. Home is where they are accepted, and where they are loved. Always take the time to show interest and affection to your children. Let them know all of the qualities that you love about them, and ask them to name what they like about themselves. Practicing love and self-love is the best thing you can do for their emotional well being.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1]Cardinal Glennon: Parents can influence child’s self-esteem
[2]KidsHealth: Developing Your Child’s Self-Esteem
[3]Skyview High School: The Nine Types of Intelligence
[4]Developmental Psychology at Vanderbilt: Instilling Self-Esteem in Children

More by this author

Jenn Beach

Traveling vagabond, freelance writer, & plantbased food enthusiast.

How We Are Confusing Self-Love with Narcissism In This Generation How Traveling Can Drastically Improve Your Interpersonal Skills 10 Best Lumbar Support Cushions That All Desk Workers Need See How Your Brain Can Ruin Any of Your Workout or Healthy Eating Plans. One Small Action Separates Success From Mediocrity.

Trending in Psychology

1What Makes a Relationship Boring and How to Avoid It 2How We Are Confusing Self-Love with Narcissism In This Generation 3A Negotiation Is Like a Game, You Can’t Get the Best Deal Without a Strategy 44 Simple Ways to Make Boring Work Become Interesting 5Don’t Wait for People’s Validation, Do It Yourself, Every Single Day

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on August 15, 2018

What Makes a Relationship Boring and How to Avoid It

What Makes a Relationship Boring and How to Avoid It

You’ve finally reached that comfortable spot in your relationship. You finish each other’s sentences and know before they order what the other one will have for lunch at your favorite restaurant. But, it’s starting to feel like boredom to you.

Video Summary

Security Can Lead to Boredom

It is normal to reach this level of security in a relationship. The longer you’re with somebody, the more you get to know them and what to expect from them. This level of familiarity is the cause of relationship boredom.

Advertising

Although security is definitely something you want with your significant other, what you don’t want is the boredom. One of the biggest mistakes a couple can make is believing that their predictability makes up for the loss of intimacy or excitement they used to feel together.[1] Why? Because this boredom increases your chances of losing the love between you.

When a couple starts to settle for feeling safe and secure, they believe nothing in the world can tear them apart. And this sense of confidence means they often stop putting effort into their relationship. Instead, their shared life becomes automatic, occurring without too much thought or investment and becoming indifferent. The last thing you want is to be in an indifferent romantic relationship. With indifference comes a whole slew of other feelings like annoyance and irritation, which in turn, prompts arguments.[2]

Advertising

Don’t allow this to happen to you and your significant other.

How to Prevent Boredom in Your Relationship

So, what can you do to avoid boredom in your relationship? Here are some great ideas to spark the passion and excitement:

Advertising

Try Something New Together

There’s nothing better for breaking up monotony than doing something new together. Do you two love taking pictures? Take a photography class together. Do you usually go hiking on the weekends? Throw a zipline or paragliding session into the mix. Research indicates that trying new activities is a great way to beat boredom.

Make a Plan for the Future

No, you don’t have to plan where you’ll buy your house or how many kids you’ll have if you’re not ready for that sort of conversation. You can, however, plan a weekend getaway or a vacation for a few months down the road. Making a plan gives you something to look forward to, which helps fight boredom. According to life coach Kelly Rogers, making plans for the future gives your relationship a little adrenaline rush, making you feel a sense of appreciation for each other.[3]

Advertising

Establish a Date Night

In your everyday, mundane life together, it can be easy to forget to make the two of you a priority. Establishing a mandatory date night is a wonderful way to bring you and your significant other together for some quality time. Melanie Schilling, a relationship psychologist, claims that date nights are actually critical to relationship health.[4] Set something specific to do together as often as your schedule allows. It doesn’t have to be dinner at an expensive restaurant either. You can plan a “no cell phone” night, a walk at the park, or even try to recreate one of your first dates together.

Remember to Say “I Love You”

Don’t forget to remind your partner why you are together, especially when boredom creeps its head between you two. Simple things like saying, “I love you” or letting them know how much you appreciate them can help you keep the romance alive in your relationship. Try to think about the happy memories the two of you have shared; it can be far too easy to dwell on the problems. Remembering why and how much you love your significant other is a great way to forget about any boredom you thought you were feeling.

Reference

Read Next