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When Parents Are Trying Too Hard, Loving Their Kids Becomes Destroying Them

When Parents Are Trying Too Hard, Loving Their Kids Becomes Destroying Them

Parenthood is a constant question with no definite answer. Will this benefit my child? How will my choices and actions affect them in the future? The truth is, everyone is doing their best. And as a parent trying their best, you must understand that your child is also doing their best. In your efforts to push them to success, you may be hurting their self-esteem [1] in the process.

Expectation Isn’t Everything

All parents want what is best for their kids, and for them to have the opportunities that they didn’t. Or perhaps they just want them to follow in their footsteps to achieve the level of greatness that they have, or better. That’s why they choose to instill those values in them at an early age. To work hard, and to do well.

Children absolutely need that encouragement and that support to excel and flourish. But there definitely is a limit. When the need for success is taking a toll on your child’s happiness, [2] parents need to look at the bigger picture here. Their personal well-being is more important than achieving a perfect score. Parents’ needs for their flawless success could be blinding them from their deflating ego. While children need their parents’ support to thrive, they need it even more when they fail.

We all excel in different forms of intelligence.

This unnerving need to succeed, achieve, and win can have some very negative effects on a developing child’s well-being. They will harbor this supposed value throughout their lives, leaving them completely devastated in the event that they inevitably fail. College students especially struggle with this when they are unable to achieve sometimes unrealistic expectations.

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This negative reaction to failure is an indication of low self-esteem, which is a learned reaction that deepens over time. To these kids, it is completely unacceptable and they are less of a person for making a mistake.

What these children never learned, because their parents may have not been aware, is that there are nine types of intelligence’s.[3] Just because an individual does not excel in one area does not mean that they are unintelligent or incapable.

  1. Nature Intelligence
  2. Musical Intelligence
  3. Logical-Mathematical Intelligence
  4. Existential Intelligence
  5. Interpersonal Intelligence
  6. Bodily-Kinetic Intelligence
  7. Linguistic Intelligence
  8. Personal Intelligence
  9. Spatial Intelligence

If your child is struggling academically, look at their strengths and weaknesses. Help them to excel in the areas that naturally “click” with them, and get them extra help where they might come up short. Consider your own strengths and weaknesses, are they similar to your children?

Pressuring the children can cause them not to trust their parents.

Although parents may think they are disciplining their kids for the good, they could actually be doing them more damage than good. Because these children are intimidated by their parents, they are less likely to approach them during a time of need.

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Children may assume that their parents lack all capability of understanding, so instead of asking your permission for anything, they will sneak around. Children of strict parents tend to become masterfully manipulative and deceitful; a well honed skill that they acquired after years of tyrannical oppression.

This lack of trust is incredibly damaging to an emotionally developing individual. They need an environment where they are allowed to make choices, and don’t question if they’ll receive their parent’s support if they make a mistake.

There are some methods to help nurture children’s self esteem.

It can be difficult to watch from the passenger side when all you want to do is grab the wheel. But you’ve raised a very capable little human, and you need to let them fall a few times so they know how to pick themselves back up. Here are a few tips [4] to help them learn for themselves and build up their confidence.

Praise them for their efforts, not their outcomes.

The common term “ya win some ya loose some” takes strong precedence here. Because although it is cliché, the fact that they tried really is the most important aspect of all. What techniques did they use in the process? What are some ways that they overcame obstacles and thought outside of the box? These are the variables that you need to focus on, so that next time they will do better. Praise them for those little accomplishments along the way. Next time they will take them so much further.

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Let them fail and own the consequences.

The best way to learn is by experience. You can tell someone not to do something time and time again, but that curiosity will get the best of them eventually. Instead of sheltering and shielding them, allow them to make some mistakes. Allow them to fail. Let them find their own way to absolve the situation or at least learn from it.

This will help them to build their confidence and self awareness. It hurts to watch them fall, but think of how proud you will be when they dust themselves off and outsmart the odds.

Don’t focus on the negatives, look for the strengths.

Remember what we spoke about the nine intelligence’s? Well, they’re making a comeback. Instead of focusing on what your child cannot do, help them search for what they can. They’re not a failure because they’re not an all-star athlete like their parent. Perhaps they are book smart or artistically talented instead. Help them to identify these strengths and nurture them. You will have a common goal, and it will only bring you closer.

Give them responsibilities.

By doing so, you are putting your trust in them to do a job well done. It is now their personal responsibility to complete these tasks, which gives them a sense of obligation and achievement.

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Home is where the heart is.

Make sure that they know no matter what, home is where they can feel sake. Home is where they are accepted, and where they are loved. Always take the time to show interest and affection to your children. Let them know all of the qualities that you love about them, and ask them to name what they like about themselves. Practicing love and self-love is the best thing you can do for their emotional well being.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1] Cardinal Glennon: Parents can influence child’s self-esteem
[2] KidsHealth: Developing Your Child’s Self-Esteem
[3] Skyview High School: The Nine Types of Intelligence
[4] Developmental Psychology at Vanderbilt: Instilling Self-Esteem in Children

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Jenn Beach

Traveling vagabond, freelance writer, & plantbased food enthusiast.

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Last Updated on February 28, 2019

The Desire to Be Liked Will End You up Feeling More Rejected

The Desire to Be Liked Will End You up Feeling More Rejected

Admit it, you feel good when other people think you’re nice. Maybe you were complimented by a stranger saying that you had a nice outfit. You felt good about yourself and you were happy for the rest of the day.

    We all like to feel liked, whether by a stranger or a loved one. It makes you feel valued and that feeling can be addictive. But when the high wears off and you no longer have validation that someone thinks you’re a good, sweet person, you may feel insecure and lacking. While wanting others to like you isn’t in itself a bad thing, it can be like a disease when you feel that you constantly need to be liked by others.

    Humans are wired to want to be liked.

    It’s human nature to seek approval from others. In ancient times, we needed acceptance to survive. Humans are social animals and we need to bond with others and form a community to survive. If we are not liked by others, we will be left out.

    Babies are born to be cute and be liked by adults.

      The large rounded head, big forehead, large eyes, chubby cheeks, and a rounded body. Babies can’t survive without an adult taking care of them. It’s vital for adults to find babies lovely to pay attention to them and divert energy towards them.[1]

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      Recognitions have always been given by others.

        From the time you were a child, whether at school or at home, you have been receiving recognition from external parties. For instance, you received grades from teachers, and if you wanted something, you needed approval from your parents. We’ve learned to get what we want by catering to other people’s expectations. Maybe you wanted to get a higher grade in art so you’d be more attentive in art classes than others to impress your teacher. Your teacher would have a generally good impression on you and would likely to give you a higher grade.

        When you grow up, it’s no different. Perhaps you are desperate to get your work done so you do things that your manager would approve. Or maybe you try to impress your date by doing things they like but you don’t really like.

        Facebook and Instagram have only made things worse. People posting their photos and sharing about their life on Instagram just to feels so good to get more likes and attention.

        Being liked becomes essential to reaching desires.

          We start to get hyper focused on how others see us, and it’s easy to imagine having the spotlight on you at all time. People see you and they take an interest in you. This feels good. In turn, you start doing more things that bring you more attention. It’s all positive until you do something they don’t like and you receive criticism. When this happens, you spiral because you’ve lost the feeling of acceptance.

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          But the reality is this is all just perception. Humans, as a species, are selfish. We are all just looking at ourselves; we only perceive others are giving us their focus. Even for those who please others are actually focusing on making themselves feel good. It’s like an optical illusion for your ego.

            The desire to be liked is an endless chase.

              Aiming to please others in order to feel better will exhaust you because you can never catch up with others’ expectation.

              The ideal image will always change.

              It used to be ideal to have a fair weight, a little bit fat was totally acceptable. Then it’s ideal to be very slim. Recently we’ve seen “dad-bods” getting some positive attention. But this is already quickly changing. In fact, a recent article from Men’s Health asked 100 women if they would date a guy who had a dad-bod, about 50% of women claimed to not care either way, only 15% exclusively date men with a “dad bod”.[2]

              People’s expectations on you can be wrong.

              Most people put their expectations on others based on what’s right in the social norms, yet the social norms are created by humans in which 80% of them are just ordinary people according to the 80/20 rules.[3]

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              Think about it, every day, from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep, you filter what you believe to be truth. If someone compliments you, you take it and add it to an idea of what the best version of yourself is. When someone criticizes you, even in a destructive way, you might accept it altogether, or add it to a list of things you’re insecure about. When you absorb the wrong opinion from others, you will either sabotage your self-esteem or overestimate yourself by accepting all the good compliments and stop growing; or accepting all the destructive criticisms and sabotage your own self-esteem and happiness.

              Others’ desires are not the same as yours.

                If you live your life as one long effort of trying to please other people, you will never be happy. You’re always going to rely on others to make you feel worth living. This leads to total confusion when it comes to your personal goals; when there’s no external recognition, you don’t know what to live for.

                The only person to please is yourself.

                  Think of others’ approval as fuel and think of yourself as a car. When that fuel runs out, you can’t function. This is not a healthy mindset.

                  In reality, we’re human and we can create our own fuel. You can feel good based on how much you like yourself. When you do things to make you like yourself more, you can start to see a big change in your opinion. For example, if being complimented by others made you feel good and accepted, look in the mirror and compliment yourself. Say what you wish others would say about you.

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                  Internal approval takes practice, but it’s worth the effort. You have to re-train your own mind. Think of the dog who knows there is food when the bell rings, the reflex is hard wired into the dog.[4] We need our own triggers to reinforce the habit of internal approval too. Recognize yourself every day instead of waiting for people to do it for you, check out in this article the steps to take to recognize your own achievements and gain empowerment: Don’t Wait for People to Praise You. Do It Yourself Every Single Day

                  Notice that when you start to focus on yourself and what to do to make yourself happy, others may criticize you. Since you’ve stopped trying to please others to meet their expectations, they may judge you for what you do. Be critical about what they say about you. They aren’t always right but so are you. Everyone has blind spots. Let go of biased and subjective comments but be humble and open to useful advice that will improve you.

                  Remember that you are worth it, every day. It will take time to stop relying on others to make you feel important and worth something, but the sooner you start trying, the happier and healthier you will be.

                  Featured photo credit: Annie Spratt via unsplash.com

                  Reference

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