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How to Spot a Verbal Abuser Early and Protect Yourself

How to Spot a Verbal Abuser Early and Protect Yourself

Admitting to yourself that you’re in an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. When your partner doesn’t ever hurt you, when your problems are “limited” to “mean words”, it feels hard to believe that it’s justified to call it abuse, especially if they are a good partner in other ways.

But that doesn’t mean that the relationship isn’t abusive, and that doesn’t mean it’s something you have to settle for. Verbal abuse is incredibly harmful for your mental health, and can leave you feeling broken, trapped, deeply depressed and worthless over time.

If you’re seeing signs of verbal abuse present in your relationship with your partner, don’t try to ignore it or convince yourself it’s not serious. It is, and you deserve to confront the problem, and should do whatever it takes to protect yourself. Here are tips on how to spot a verbal abuser.

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You hide what he/she says to you from others

You’re probably used to venting to your girlfriend when your partner bugs you or leaves you disappointed, but what happens when he says something you know will outrage your friends? If you find yourself keeping something he said [1]to yourself because you’re uncomfortable sharing it with your friends, dig deep to evaluate why you’re doing that.

Is it because you’re worried about what your friends will say about him? Is it because you don’t want people to know he says those kinds of things? Is it because you’re worried about how he will react if he knows you’ve told people?

All of these are signs that something is wrong. If you know your friends are going to be horrified by a sentence, consider that you too have reason to be horrified by it. If you’re worried about people knowing this trait about him, consider that his behavior reflects who he is. If you’re worried about how he will react, ask yourself what he’s hiding and why.

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Abusers are very anxious to ensure their reputation is well-maintained, and are very concerned about public image – regardless of whether or not it reflects your private life. All of these are signs that something is wrong, and that you may be sacrificing yourself for someone who is hurting you.

He/she makes you cry and doesn’t apologize

When you get into arguments, does he start saying nasty things intended to hurt your feelings? Does he target sensitive topics on purpose? Does he say cruel things seemingly out-of-the-blue, and does he leave you in tears frequently? When you cry, does he show remorse or does he tell you to stop overreacting, stop faking, “get over yourself” or otherwise dismiss your tears? This shows a selfish insensitivity that you should never see in a partner, and is a huge warning sign.

If he is incapable of or uninterested in empathizing with you when you’re in pain, particularly pain he caused, then he doesn’t show himself to be someone who cares about your feelings, making him a fundamentally unacceptable partner. Incidents like these are not normal, and are not the way loving partners behave.

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He/she eventually apologizes profusely and showers you with gifts

After a fight, argument or abusive episode has taken place, does he eventually come back with a profuse apology and gifts to make it up to you? This may feel like a kind and reassuring gesture on the part of your partner that reassures you he understands what he did wrong, cares about his impact and wants to improve. But the reality is it’s a standard step in the classic abuse cycle : a period of calm, a period of building tehension, a period of acting out and then the honeymoon phase, where he: apologizes or shows regret, promises it won’t happen again, tries to put some blame on you for the incident and tries to minimize or deny the abuse occurred.

All of this does not need to happen at once – for example, it’s very common for an abuser to immediately admit they were being abusive, but then later on – perhaps days or weeks later – try to reframe the incident as less serious or not their fault. You get this a lot with people you meet on dating apps , who genuinely admit they were in the wrong but don’t try to take it back. Now, after he’s apologized to you and reassured you he understands what he did wrong… does he do it again?

You’re hoping he/she will change over time

One of the most difficult things about abuse is that it is cyclical. Once your partner seems like they’ve really changed, you reassure yourself that things will get better – and then another incident occurs. Then they apologize profusely, reassure you they know they messed up, and you think you’re dedicated to your relationship and they seem remorseful so you’ll keep working at it. Then he does it again, and you tell him he has to shape up or you’ll leave, and he says he will. Things get better, you think he’s a better partner now that he’s realized he was in the wrong – and then he does it again.

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The truth is, abusers rarely change or improve, and your love and dedi cation won’t improve him. Rather than staying stuck in the cycle, take a look at your life and realize that one failed relationship won’t ruin it – get out. Preserve your mental health. Don’t settle for a verbal abuser.

Reference

[1] Healthy Place: The Signs of Verbal Abuse

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Last Updated on March 17, 2020

4 Simple Ways to Make Boring Work Become Interesting

4 Simple Ways to Make Boring Work Become Interesting

Are you bored at work right now?

Sitting at your desk, wishing you could be anywhere other than here, doing anything else…?

You’re not alone.

Even when you have a job you love, it’s easy to get bored. And if your job isn’t something you’re passionate about, it’s even easier for boredom to creep in.

Did you know it’s actually possible to make any job more interesting?

That’s right.

Whether it’s data entry or shelf stacking, even the most mind-numbing of jobs can be made more fun.

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Understanding the science behind boredom is the first step to beating it.

Read on to learn the truth about boredom, and what you can do to stop feeling bored at work for good.

VIDEO SUMMARY

I’m bored – as you’re watching the same film over and over again, even though it’s your favorite one

When you experience something new, your brain releases opioids – chemicals which make you feel good. [1]

It’s the feeling you might get when you taste a new food for the first time, watch a cool new film, or meet a new person.

However, the next time you have the same experience, the brain processes it in a different way, without releasing so many feel-good chemicals.

That’s why you won’t get the same thrill when you eat that delicious meal for the tenth time, rewatch that film again, or spend time with the same friend.

So, in a nutshell, we get bored when we aren’t having any new experiences.

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Now, new experiences don’t have to be huge life changes – they could be as simple as taking a different route to work, or picking a different sandwich shop for lunch.

We’re going to apply this theory to your boring job.

Keep reading find out how to make subtle changes to the way you work to defeat boredom and have more fun.

Your work can be much more interesting if you learn these little tricks.

Ready to learn how to stop feeling so bored at work?

We’ve listed some simple suggestions below – you can start implementing these right now.

Let’s do this.

Make routine tasks more interesting by adding something new

Sometimes one new element is all it takes to turn routine tasks from dull to interesting.

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Maybe there’s a long drive you have to make every single week. You get so bored, going the same old route to make the same old deliveries.

Why not make it a routine to create a playlist of new music each Sunday, to listen to on your boring drive during the week?

Just like that, something you dread can be turned into the highlight of your day.

For other routine tasks, you could try setting a timer and trying to beat your record, moving to a new location to complete the task, or trying out a new technique for getting the work done – you might even improve your productivity, too.

Combine repetitive tasks to get them out of the way

Certain tasks are difficult to make interesting, no matter how hard you try.

Get these yawn-inducing chores out of the way ASAP by combining them into one quick, focused batch.

For example, if you hate listening to meeting recordings, and dislike tidying your desk, do them both at the same time. You’ll halve the time you spend bored out of your mind, and can move onto more interesting tasks as soon as you’re done.

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Break large tasks into small pieces and plan breaks between them

Feeling overwhelmed can lead you to procrastinate and get bored. Try breaking up large tasks into lots of small pieces to keep things manageable and fun.

Try breaking up a 10,000 word report into 1000-word sections. Reward yourself at the end of each section, and you’ll get 10 mini mood boosts, instead of just one at the end.

You can also plan short breaks between each section, which will help to prevent boredom and keep you focused.

Give yourself regular rewards, it can be anything that makes you feel good

Make sure you reward yourself for achievements, even if they feel small.

Rewards could include:

  • Eating your favourite snack.
  • Taking a walk in a natural area.
  • Spending a few minutes on a fun online game.
  • Buying yourself a small treat.
  • Visiting a new place.
  • Spending time on a favourite hobby.

Your brain will come to associate work with fun rewards, and you’ll soon feel less bored and more motivated.

Boredom doesn’t have to be a fact of life.

Make your working life feel a thousand times more fun by following the simple tips above.

Reference

[1] Psychology Today: Why People Get Bored

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