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What to Do When Your Kid Always Lies

What to Do When Your Kid Always Lies

You hear the crash and run into the living room. Your favorite vase is scattered across the floor in several pieces. Your child is standing over it and the only person in the room. “Did you break my vase?” You ask, knowing full well the answer. He shakes his head. “Not me, mommy.” While your 6 year old may not be on the road to pathological lying, he has crossed the line into the lying zone.

According to Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman’s book: “Nuture Shock: New Thinking about Children”, 98% of children believe that lying is wrong, yet 98% of them lie to their parents[1]. Yikes! But before you order that lie detector to install in your house, guess what- they adopt their lying tactics from you!

Why Kids Tell Lies

Kids witness their parents lying and see them escape from it

Kids aren’t the only ones who lie – parents tell them lies all the time, like Santa Claus bringing presents on Christmas Eve and the Easter Bunny hiding eggs in the garden for an egg hunt- seriously- how would a rabbit even pick up an egg, much less carry it somewhere? Their parent may even lie when they lovingly greet Uncle Marvin and later, out of his company say how they really don’t like him because he drinks too much. Kids notice this stuff. And they pick up on it. A child whose parent lies will lie themselves because they view it as acceptable behavior[2].

Kids lie so as to take the shortcut to meet others’ expectation

Your child loves you and loves being loved by you. They may believe getting a “F” on that math test will make you think less of them and they will hide the paper or even throw it out so that you won’t see it. When you ask about the test, you may get a mumbled “I did fine” or “Okay.” They are lying because they don’t want you to be disappointed in them.

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Punishing them for lying only makes them lie even more

No one wants to be punished. No TV for a week, loss of their favorite game system or worse. If you find your best necklace hiding in their sock drawer and they know that owning up to taking it means facing a week or more of being grounded, they will try and think of a way to wriggle out of facing the consequences for their actions. Kids will lie in order to circumvent a punishment.

Kids lie to protect someone

Though younger kids are more apt to tattletale on friends, families and any child they catch doing something wrong, older kids will lie to protect their friends from facing punishments and consequences. They don’t view this behavior as wrong[3] if they are protecting someone from getting into trouble.

People Who Don’t Lie Are Less Stressed

Life is difficult enough without getting caught up in a sticky web of lies. Studies[4] show that people who lie less – refraining from even those little white lies, have better mental and physical health. They face less illnesses and feel less stressed. But if kids continue to lie, this can lead to lying as an adult and also cheating.

How You Can Stop Your Child From Lying

Give your child a better chance at a healthier and happier future by nipping their lying habits now.

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Avoid lying when your kids are around

Start your kids off by becoming a good role model. Stop fibbing. Curb those white lies. Let ‘honesty is the best policy’ become your family motto. And yes, investigating with your child exactly why there is a bunny associated with eggs may be eye-opening for both you and your kid.

Let them know that lying is wrong

Little kids may not know that lying is wrong. They may see it at home or at school. And they are certainly bombarded by advertisements promising better lives and happiness if certain products are used. Sit down with them and talk about how lying affects lives and why honesty is important for everyone.

Create a loving home environment

Giving your child a safe-haven from the world will help to develop a mutual trust. And when your child trusts you, they are less likely to lie. Communicate with them on all subjects and let them know that they can address any topic with you- openly. If you personally feel that you can not discuss a something with them- like sex- have a trustworthy relative or family friend with whom they can broach any subjects that you cannot. Sometimes it’s easier for your child to talk about very personal subjects with someone who is not a parent.

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Don’t punish them for lying

Know that lying is not the problem. Find the reason why your child felt the need to lie. Was it to protect someone, for fear of disappointing you, fear of punishment or something else. If you direct your attention onto the lying then according to Life Coach Allie Irwin at The Science of People, you are “teaching that lying is bad but also that getting caught is bad too.”[5] You need to teach them that honesty is the best way. Praise them for their honesty when they tell the truth, even when it means they have to face the consequences of their actions.

Control your reactions

When your child tells a lie and you know it, like if you found alcohol or other substances in their room, and they deny knowing about it, do NOT go ballistic. Keep calm. Control your knee-jerk reactions. If it’s serious and you unable to keep your cool- walk away and don’t discuss it until you can control your emotions. When you are calm enough to address the situation, give them the opportunity to tell the truth again- with no repercussions for lying. Losing your cool can spiral the incident into slammed doors and heightened secrecy. Keeping cool may open future communication avenues between you and your child.

Don’t set them up to lie. Don’t play the interrogation game.

Think before you ask a question. Asking if they took out the trash may be setting them up for an auto-response lie. Instead avoid the questions that garner yes/no answers and reword them. Instead say: “I noticed the trash is full. What should we do about it?”

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Let them know that mistakes happen

No one likes to make mistakes, yet everyone does. All people are imperfect. Let your child know that the “F” on the math test is not the end of the world- he may start showing you all of those test papers! Let your daughter know the broken vase was an accident and accidents happen. Show your kids that they don’t need a reason to lie.

Beware of This Mental Disorder: Pathological Lying

Pathological lying or lying compulsively is a mental disorder sometimes linked to a childhood trauma, like an abusive or dysfunctional family, or they lived in fear and needed some way to protect themselves[6]. Some children lie impulsively and can’t control their lying, others like to create fantasy friends and imaginary lives to escape their own.

If not addressed, pathological lying can become habitual and escalate out of control. Pathological lying is detrimental to a child’s development. Seek the advice of your doctor, therapist, or counselor if you suspect your child has a pathological lying disorder.

So next time your child starts to spout a lie, stop them with a helpful “are you sure about that?” reminder to keep them on track, keep your cool, let them know everyone makes mistakes, and that they can discuss anything with you.

Featured photo credit: Lisa Runnels (Greyerbaby) via pixabay.com

Reference

[1]Amazon.com: Nuture Shock
[2]ScienceNews.org: Telling Kids Lies May Teach Them to Lie
[3]ScienceDaily.com: The Truth about Lying: Children’s Perceptions Get More Nuanced with Age
[4]ScienceDaily.com: Lying Less Linked to Better Health
[5]Allie Irwin. ScienceofPeople.com: Why Children Lie
[6]ChildhoodTraumaRecovery.com: Pathological Lying: Its Link to Childhood Trauma

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Last Updated on August 16, 2018

Narcissistic Personality: What Is It and How to Deal with a Narcissist?

Narcissistic Personality: What Is It and How to Deal with a Narcissist?

He asks you for your opinion, but only follows his own advice regardless of what you say.She loves to talk about herself, everything about her is just better than you.  When you try to share anything happy about yourself, she seriously doubts it.

If you know someone who acts like these examples, there’s a chance they might be a narcissist.

What is a narcissistic personality?

Narcissism is a spectrum personality disorder which most of us have.

In popular culture, narcissism is interpreted as a person who’s in love with themselves, more accurately, their idealized selves. Narcissists believe that they are too unique to be understood and that they are so good that they demand for admiration from others.

Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that,[1]

the narcissist is someone who has buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) describes narcissistic personality as a personality disorder. It is a spectrum disorder, which means it exists on a continuum ranging from some narcissistic traits to the full-blown personality disorder.[2]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not very common, but the truth is, we all have some of the narcissistic traits.

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Traits of a narcissist:

  • They have a deep need for admiration and validation. They think they’re special and too unique to be understood.
  • They feel they are superior to other. They achieve more and know a lot more than you.
  • They do not show their vulnerabilities. They fear what others think of them and they want to remain superior in all situations.
  • They are unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. They want to be the centre of attention and believe that showing emotions is a sign of weakness.
  • They are skilled manipulators and are emotionally abusive. They know how to make use of their charm to take advantage of others to get what they want.

How are narcissists different from others?

Narcissism expert and the author of Narcissism in a Nutshell, Zari Ballard, tried to answer some common questions asked by non-narcissists about what a narcissist thinks and feels from a narcissist’s perspective.[3]

Do narcissists know they are narcissists and are they happy?

We could really care less about how others feel. We enjoy our so called cold existence. True narcissists don’t want to change. We feel in total control of our lives using this method.

Do narcissists know or understand right from wrong?

Narcissists know the difference between right and wrong because they understand cause and effect. There is no “guilty conscience” giving them a clue and they are displaying the symptom of being “indifferent to social norms” while most likely presenting as ‘cold-hearted.’

Narcissists have a very different thinking mechanism. They see things from a different perspective. Unlike non-narcissists and empaths, they don’t have much sympathy and are reluctant to show emotions to others.

Why do people become narcissists?

1. Narcissism is vulnerability taken to an extreme.

The root of a narcissistic personality is a strong resistance to feeling vulnerable with anyone.[4]

Narcissists refuse to put themselves in a position where they feel vulnerable. They fear that others will take advantage of their weaknesses, so they learn to camouflage their weaknesses by acting strong and powerful. The think showing emotions to others is a sign of weakness, so they learn to hide their emotions and act cold-hearted most of the times.

Narcissists live in a state of anxiety because they are highly aware of their emotions and how others think of them.

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Vulnerability aversion, is the root of a narcissistic personality.

2. A narcissistic personality could be a result of a wounded past.

Narcissists are desperate to seek validation constantly because they either didn’t feel worthwhile and valued in the past, or were being paid too much attention as the most precious and unique one in the world.

Faulty or inadequate parenting, for example a lack of limit setting, is believed to be a major cause, and both permissive and authoritarian styles of parenting have been found to promote narcissistic symptoms.[5]

Both parents who fail to see the worth in a child, and parents who spoil and give excessive praise to the child promote narcissism as the child grows. While the former ones make the child feel inferior of others and want to get more attention, the latter ones encourage an idealized-self in the child.

How to deal with a narcissist?

1. If someone close to you is a narcissist, embrace the differences.

There’re different personality types and not everyone will think and act the same as you do. Instead of trying to change others, learn to accept the differences and strike a balance when you really have to communicate with them.

2. Don’t try to change them, focus on your own needs.

Try to understand that narcissists are resistant to change, it’s more important for you to see who they really are, instead of who you want them to be. Focus on how you feel, and what you want yourself to be.

Embrace the fact that there’re different types of personality and the only thing you can control is your attitude and your own actions.

3. Recognize what they do only comes from their insecurity.

Narcissists are quite vulnerable deep inside, they question others because that’s how they can make themselves feel better.

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When you learn that what a narcissist does to you is nothing personal, but something that comes from their insecurity, you know that sometimes they just need a certain amount of reassurance.

This is especially important if the narcissist is someone you have to closely work with, or if they’re your family member. The right amount of reassurance can calm them down and get the tasks on hand completed.

4. Ask them what would others think instead of what’d others feel.[6]

Narcissists don’t feel guilty, but they care about how others think of them deep in their heart.

Clinical psychologist Al Bernstein explains:

There are just things, like other people’s feelings, that narcissists rarely consider. If you have their ear, don’t tell them how people might react; instead, ask probing questions. Narcissists are much more likely to act on ideas that they think they thought up themselves.

If you have to work with a narcissist closely, focus on the facts and ideas, not the emotions.

5. Let go of the need of getting a narcissist’s approval.

You’re not who a narcissist says you are. Don’t let their blame game undermine your self-esteem, and don’t argue with them just to defend what you believe is right.

There is no point arguing with a narcissist just to prove them wrong because they will not give in proving themselves right. It’s more likely that you’ll get more upset when they disagree with you in an unpleasant way.

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Know your own worth and detach from a narcissist’s opinion on you.

6. If a narcissist is hurting you, stay away from them.

Remember, a healthy relationship is two-sided. It’s about mutual respect and it’s based on give and take. But any kind of relationship with a narcissist is likely to be the contrary, it’s about making the narcissist happy and constantly supporting them. A relationship like this will only weigh you down and is unhealthy for your growth.

7. Set a boundary and always keep it.

If you’re setting a boundary, you have to be willing to keep it. When a narcissist sees that you’re trying to take back control of your life, they will try to test your limits, it’s just their instinct to do it.

Be prepared that your boundary will be challenged. Make your boundary clear, have all the actions needed to be taken in your mind.

For example, if you have decided to stop communicating with them, they will likely to show up in front of you just to talk to you. Be brave enough to keep your boundary, don’t back down and get close to them again; or else they will not take your boundary seriously any more.

8. Learn when to walk away.

When a narcissist starts to make you feel uncomfortable and doubt about yourself, it’s time to pick yourself up and give yourself enough respect to just walk away from them.

If you’re in love with a narcissist, you should seriously think about ending the relationship and move on for a better life. If the narcissist is your family member, you don’t have to be cruel to them, but it’s better to keep distance from them.

Reference

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