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Why It Is a Lie That Time Heals All Wounds

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Why It Is a Lie That Time Heals All Wounds

It is difficult losing someone you love, whether it is caused by a death or from a breakup. You may battle with various emotions or reactions, which is a normal for the different stages of grief.

You have seen people who, after breaking up, give the impression that they have moved on. Sometimes, they seem to do it almost immediately. You see the photos on social media of them drunk at party and surrounded by hoards of people having “fun”. Or there may be cryptic status updates with quotes from anyone from Buddha to Adele.

Yet what is not on display are the nights they spend crying, asking for other people’s advice and obsessing. It may take weeks, months or even years before they can finally move on.

In fact, there are seven stages of grief according to the Kubler-Ross cycle:[1]

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  • Shock – Feeling numb with disbelief protects you emotionally from being overwhelmed.
  • Denial – Once the shock wears off, you can’t believe this is happening and everything feels surreal.
  • Anger – The next stage will give way to feeling angry and even lashing out at others.
  • Bargaining – You feel very confused and as a result, you look for desperate ways out of this anguish that you feel.
  • Depression – A period of sadness takes over and you may be reflective of what was lost. You may feel lonely or in despair.
  • Testing – The reality is starting to sink in and you may go through experimenting with things to do that may help you to move on.
  • Acceptance – In the final stage, you will have accepted the situation and started to move forward.

It’s never easy to get through all these stages, but reaching the last stage of grief is essential for everyone to live on. Everyone will experience the stages of grief differently because the relationships we have are different and the way we handle emotions is not the same.

For someone mourning over a death, acceptance does not mean you are okay with the loss.

It is more that you have accepted the reality that they are no longer here. Even though you still think about them, the way you think about them has changed.

Your focus is different. Previously, you may have been engulfed in the stages of grief but your life has settled back into an old (or new) routine. Even though life may never again be the same, you are moving forward and may even start feeling more hopeful about the future.

For someone mourning the end of a relationship, acceptance means opening up to a new life.

With high insight, you can see why the relationship didn’t work out and why you are better off for it.

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When your phone goes, you no longer hope that it will be your ex. You don’t check up on them on their social media as you no longer feel interested or concerned about what they are doing in their life.

They are not on a pedestal and you are either dating other people, have met someone else, or are happily single. You no longer hope you will get back together

To truly move on, don’t rely on time.

It is not that time heals wounds, it has more to do with the fact that time has passed and you have done something to enable healing.[2]

This could be crying, having reflection, or refocusing your energy. The stages of grief may not be the same for everyone, and people heal in different ways.

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Grieving is normal as it comes as a result of loving. By not fighting the stages of grief, it will enable you to start working towards a future that does not feel as dark.[3]

Accepting support from others doesn’t mean you are weak.

It is ok to let your guard down and turn to friends or family for support. Surround yourself with love and those who have your best interest at heart. They will help you to be strong when you do not know how to be strong for yourself.

For the people who do not have a strong network of friends or family, life sometimes has a magical way of bringing new people into our lives just when we need them.

You can also speak to your doctor who may be able to put you in touch with a support group. Your doctor can also give you advice on finding a counsellor if you would like one.

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Not only do positive distractions make you happier, but also inspire you to grow.

Find avenues to allow your mind to focus on something else. For example, you could try writing, reading or drawing.

It could also be prayers, meditation or in some other way with which you can identify. For instance, I enjoy reading quantum physics or astrophysics journals, and it also reminds me of the bigger picture of life and our universe.

There is always a positive outlet to channel your emotions.

There’s no need to push yourself too hard, take your time to move on.

If you are not quite there yet, know that this is also okay. Take your time.

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And if you still feel a little broken, know this: you are not broken, light still shines perfectly through every one of those cracks.

Reference

More by this author

J.S. von Dacre

Writer at Lifehack

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Last Updated on February 11, 2021

20 Amazing Facts About Dreams that You Might Not Know About

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20 Amazing Facts About Dreams that You Might Not Know About

Dreams — Mysterious, bewildering, eye-opening and sometimes a nightmarish living hell. Dreams are all that and much more.

Here are 20 amazing facts about dreams that you might have never heard about:

Fact #1: You can’t read while dreaming, or tell the time

    If you are unsure whether you are dreaming or not, try reading something. The vast majority of people are incapable of reading in their dreams.

    The same goes for clocks: each time you look at a clock it will tell a different time and the hands on the clock won’t appear to be moving as reported by lucid dreamers.

    Fact #2: Lucid dreaming

    There is a whole subculture of people practicing what is called lucid or conscious dreaming. Using various techniques, these people have supposedly learned to assume control of their dreams and do amazing things like flying, passing through walls, and traveling to different dimensions or even back in time.

    Want to learn how to control your dreams? You can try these tips:

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    Lucid Dreaming: This Is How You Can Control Your Dreams

    Fact #3: Inventions inspired by dreams

    Dreams are responsible for many of the greatest inventions of mankind. A few examples include:

    • The idea for Google -Larry Page
    • Alternating current generator -Tesla
    • DNA’s double helix spiral form -James Watson
    • The sewing machine -Elias Howe
    • Periodic table -Dimitri Mendeleyev

    …and many, many more.

    Fact #4: Premonition dreams

    There are some astounding cases where people actually dreamt about things which happened to them later, in the exact same ways they dreamed about.

    You could say they got a glimpse of the future, or it might have just been coincidence. The fact remains that this is some seriously interesting and bizarre phenomena. Some of the most famous premonition dreams include:

    • Abraham Lincoln dreamt of His Assassination
    • Many of the victims of 9/11 had dreams warning them about the catastrophe
    • Mark Twain’s dream of his brother’s demise
    • 19 verified precognitive dreams about the Titanic catastrophe

    Fact #5: Sleep paralysis

    Hell is real and it is called sleep paralysis. It’s the stuff of true nightmares. I’ve been a sleep paralysis sufferer as a kid and I can attest to how truly horrible it is.

    Two characteristics of sleep paralysis are the inability to move (hence paralysis) and a sense of an extremely evil presence in the room with you. It doesn’t feel like a dream, but 100% real. Studies show that during an attack, sleep paralysis sufferers show an overwhelming amygdala activity. The amygdala is responsible for the “fight or flight” instinct and the emotions of fear, terror and anxiety. Enough said!

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    Fact #6: REM sleep disorder

    In the state of REM (rapid-eye-movement) stage of your sleep your body is normally paralyzed. In rare cases, however, people act out their dreams. These have resulted in broken arms, legs, broken furniture, and in at least one reported case, a house burnt down.

    Fact #7: Sexual dreams

    The very scientifically-named “nocturnal penile tumescence” is a very well documented phenomena. In laymen’s term, it simply means that you get a stiffy while you sleep. Actually, studies indicate that men get up to 20 erections per dream.

    Fact #8: Unbelievable sleepwalkers

      Sleepwalking is a very rare and potentially dangerous sleep disorder. It is an extreme form of REM sleep disorder, and these people don’t just act out their dreams, but go on real adventures at night.

      Lee Hadwin is a nurse by profession, but in his dreams he is an artist. Literally. He “sleepdraws” gorgeous portraits, of which he has no recollection afterwards. Strange sleepwalking “adventures” include:

      • A woman having sex with strangers while sleepwalking
      • A man who drove 22 miles and killed his cousin while sleepwalking
      • A sleepwalker who walked out of the window from the third floor, and barely survived

      Fact #9: Dream drug

      There are actually people who like dreaming and dreams so much that they never want to wake up. They want to continue on dreaming even during the day, so they take an illegal and extremely potent hallucinogenic drug called Dimethyltryptamine. It is actually only an isolated and synthetic form of the chemical our brains produce naturally during dreaming.

      Fact #10 Dream-catcher

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        The dream-catcher is one of the most well-known Native American symbols. It is a loose web or webs woven around a hoop and decorated with sacred objects meant to protect against nightmares.

        Fact #11: Increased brain activity

        You would associate sleeping with peace and quiet, but actually our brains are more active during sleep than during the day.

        Fact #12: Creativity and dreams

        As we mentioned before, dreams are responsible for inventions, great artworks and are generally just incredibly interesting. They are also “recharging” our creativity.

        Scientists also say that keeping a dream diary helps with creativity.

        In rare cases of REM disorder, people actually don’t dream at all. These people suffer from significantly decreased creativity and perform badly at tasks requiring creative problem solving.

        Fact #13: Pets dream too

          Our animal companions dream as well. Watch a dog or a cat sleep and you can see that they are moving their paws and making noises like they were chasing something. Go get ’em buddy!

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          Fact #14: You always dream—you just don’t remember it

          Many people claim that they don’t dream at all, but that’s not true: we all dream, but up to 60% of people don’t remember their dreams at all.

          Fact #15: Blind people dream too

          Blind people who were not born blind see images in their dreams but people who were born blind don’t see anything at all. They still dream, and their dreams are just as intense and interesting, but they involve the other senses beside sight.

          Fact #16: In your dreams, you only see faces that you already know

            It is proven that in dreams, we can only see faces that we have seen in real life before. So beware: that scary-looking old lady next to you on the bus might as well be in your next nightmare.

            Fact #17: Dreams tend to be negative

            Surprisingly, dreams are more often negative than positive. The three most widely reported emotions felt during dreaming are anger, sadness and fear.

            Fact #18: Multiple dreams per night

            You can have up to seven different dreams per night depending on how many REM cycles you have. We only dream during the REM period of sleep, and the average person dreams one to two hours every night.

            Fact #19: Gender differences

            Interestingly, 70% of all the characters in a man’s dream are other men, but women’s dream contain an equal amount of women and men. Also men’s dreams contain a lot more aggression. Both women and men dream about sexual themes equally often.

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            Fact #20: Not everyone dreams in color

            As much as 12% of people only dream in black and white.

            Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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