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How to Let Go of Toxic Relationships and Be Yourself Again

How to Let Go of Toxic Relationships and Be Yourself Again

Toxic relationships come in many forms, physical abuse, mental abuse, verbal and even emotional abuse. Sometimes the toxicity is almost subtle. But if you constantly feel controlled, manipulated or berated, then you may need to do some introspection. Toxic and abusive relationships are more common than you may realize. In fact, one statistic claims 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a partner. And that’s just in a single year [1]. More troubling, 43% of college women experience violent and abusive dating behaviors but 57% say they don’t always know how to identify it. And an incredible 58% say they don’t know how to help a friend in a bad situation.

In an even more unfortunate twist, many people who experience abusive relationships don’t think their relationships are abusive because they may not be getting physically assaulted. Yet for those who do manage to recognize the relationship they are in is a bad one, the impact the toxicity had can be a lingering one. The cruel words and treatments of an abusive partner can trick the victim into believing they are worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, and more. They can even begin to believe they deserve to be mistreated and fall into relationships that mimic the abusive behavior.

Why it should be fixed:

Abuse should never be tolerated. Period. And yet only 33% of teens who experienced a violent relationship actually told someone about it. This shockingly low statistic is not helped by 81% of parents refusing to believe teen dating violence exists. And that’s the other thing: Over 80% of parents feel they would definitely know if their child was being abused in some way, yet only 58% of those parents were able to identify warning signs. A lack of recognition from loved ones can further push you to believe you deserve to be mistreated. And it isn’t true.

Yet the side effects are chilling. Check out these facts from loveisrespect.org:

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  • Violent relationships in adolescence can have serious ramifications by putting the victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence.
  • Being physically or sexually abused makes teen girls six times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to get a STI.
  • Half of youth who have been victims of both dating violence and rape attempt suicide, compared to 12.5% of non-abused girls and 5.4% of non-abused boys.

It’s clear the effects of having an abusive and toxic relationship seriously and harshly impact the victim, even if they are able to leave the abuse. And even if you have experienced a toxic relationship and feel you successfully moved on, you should ask yourself if you truly have.

How to Identify a Toxic Relationship:

Before trying to get back to your truest self and move on from a toxic situation, it’s important to identify the warning signs that you are in one to begin with.

  • Narcissism: If your partner is uber obsessed with him/herself, it will be impossible to ever feel like a partnership. This doesn’t mean your partner loves to take selfies, but rather extreme selfishness when it comes to their own talents and the need for admiration.
  • Drama, Drama, Drama: If you are in a toxic relationship, you may find yourself more stressed out than you’ve ever been and feeling that your life is incredibly complicated. Remember that a healthy relationship improves your life. All relationships (healthy and otherwise) come with occasional drama, but if it’s consistent, take note; it may be a bad situation.
  • You just can’t seem to do anything right: Do you ever feel like you’re always being told that something you did was wrong? A toxic relationship can cost you your sense of self worth and success. Don’t waste your time!
  • Their jokes are anything but funny: When your partner teases you, do you get the sense they are actually saying cruel things to you behind the mask of humor? Teasing in a relationship is fine, but when the teasing seems more like bullying, it may be time to step away.
  • You no longer recognize yourself: If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you may realize you’re acting strangely to those around you. Maybe you’re more quick to anger, or your drinking/smoking habit has increased. Perhaps your work has really become lackluster but you don’t care to improve upon it. This is a big red flag that you’re in a toxic relationship and it is having a terrible effect on you.

How to get out and get help:

Getting out of a toxic relationship is often times not easy, but it is necessary. So many of us feel like we need to be in a relationship, but that isn’t the case. In fact, feeling completed only when in a relationship is a sign of codependency. And that isn’t healthy. And if you’ve been reading this as a single person and yet you identify with the words, know it is possible to be in a toxic relationship that isn’t romantic. If your mom is constantly telling you you’re overweight or not successful, you’re in a toxic relationship with her! No matter who you find to be toxic in your life, it’s crucial to get out before you lose all sense of yourself.

Accept you are in denial.

We all want to believe we are happy, but sometimes we aren’t. And often times, it’s not your fault. If you feel depressed or depleted after spending time with a certain person, go back through the warning signs. If they all line up, recognize that you need to get out.

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Heal.

When you get out of a toxic relationship, you often feel emotionally damaged. Make a list of the things you used to love about yourself. Can you claim those same things now, or did that toxic relationship convince you those traits weren’t attractive? Surround yourself with positive people who inspire you to love your true self again.

Kelly McDaniel, author of ‘Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex and Relationship Addiction says the following:

The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.

Stop all contact! Period!

Any kind of breakup (healthy, toxic, romantic, non-romantic) is hard. And we often feel the need to hang on to some kind of friendship with that person. Even if they were abusive, we want to reach out on occasion in a friendly text so they know we don’t hate them. Why? This is one of the worst things you can do if you are trying to overcome a toxic relationship’s hold over you. Many abusive and toxic people have a sweet side. This is often what causes us to think they can change, or that it wasn’t really that bad. But don’t be fooled into reengaging. Do whatever it takes to strive for zero contact [2].

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Expect more drama.

Unfortunately, in today’s world of social media and instant gratification, breakups tend to come with a lot of shade from the ex. This can sometimes mean being made out to look like the bad guy, even though you may have been dealing with abuse. While this can be so heartbreaking, it’s important to remember that you know the truth.

Don’t give in and look like “the crazy ex,” but do surround yourself with people who love you and care about you. Remember that you did what you needed to do for yourself, and any argument you encourage based on lies will only cause the toxic person to persist. Block them on social media, block their number and don’t give in to the drama. You’ll never be able to truly overcome the experience if you allow yourself to look at the continued abuse every day.

Force yourself to overcome!

For some people, writing a letter to the person you want to let go is helpful. Obviously, you don’t want to send the letter! In fact, you can burn it or even bury it to signify the end of the relationship and gain closure. Pour out all the feelings and words you wish you could say and end the letter with acknowledgement of release. Try: I release you across all space and time. Thank you for helping me learn and grow.

Don’t ever tolerate it again.

Perhaps most importantly, don’t ever allow yourself to be mistreated again. When you’ve experienced a toxic and/or abusive relationship, you walk away knowing what to look for. If you find yourself dating someone who reminds you of that person, recognize the pattern you may be falling into and do what you need in order to get help and walk away.

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If you are in the U.S. and need help identifying whether you or someone you love is in a toxic relationship, text loveis to 22522. You’ll receive a response from a peer advocate who can answer questions you may have.

To speak to someone, call 1-866-331-9474.

If you or someone you love has been driven to consider suicide after a toxic relationship, please know there are people who care. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 1-800-272-8255. For anyone outside the United States, click here to find help in your country.

Featured photo credit: William Stitt via stocksnap.io

Reference

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Heather Poole

Technical writer

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Last Updated on August 15, 2018

What Makes a Relationship Boring and How to Avoid It

What Makes a Relationship Boring and How to Avoid It

You’ve finally reached that comfortable spot in your relationship. You finish each other’s sentences and know before they order what the other one will have for lunch at your favorite restaurant. But, it’s starting to feel like boredom to you.

Video Summary

Security Can Lead to Boredom

It is normal to reach this level of security in a relationship. The longer you’re with somebody, the more you get to know them and what to expect from them. This level of familiarity is the cause of relationship boredom.

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Although security is definitely something you want with your significant other, what you don’t want is the boredom. One of the biggest mistakes a couple can make is believing that their predictability makes up for the loss of intimacy or excitement they used to feel together.[1] Why? Because this boredom increases your chances of losing the love between you.

When a couple starts to settle for feeling safe and secure, they believe nothing in the world can tear them apart. And this sense of confidence means they often stop putting effort into their relationship. Instead, their shared life becomes automatic, occurring without too much thought or investment and becoming indifferent. The last thing you want is to be in an indifferent romantic relationship. With indifference comes a whole slew of other feelings like annoyance and irritation, which in turn, prompts arguments.[2]

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Don’t allow this to happen to you and your significant other.

How to Prevent Boredom in Your Relationship

So, what can you do to avoid boredom in your relationship? Here are some great ideas to spark the passion and excitement:

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Try Something New Together

There’s nothing better for breaking up monotony than doing something new together. Do you two love taking pictures? Take a photography class together. Do you usually go hiking on the weekends? Throw a zipline or paragliding session into the mix. Research indicates that trying new activities is a great way to beat boredom.

Make a Plan for the Future

No, you don’t have to plan where you’ll buy your house or how many kids you’ll have if you’re not ready for that sort of conversation. You can, however, plan a weekend getaway or a vacation for a few months down the road. Making a plan gives you something to look forward to, which helps fight boredom. According to life coach Kelly Rogers, making plans for the future gives your relationship a little adrenaline rush, making you feel a sense of appreciation for each other.[3]

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Establish a Date Night

In your everyday, mundane life together, it can be easy to forget to make the two of you a priority. Establishing a mandatory date night is a wonderful way to bring you and your significant other together for some quality time. Melanie Schilling, a relationship psychologist, claims that date nights are actually critical to relationship health.[4] Set something specific to do together as often as your schedule allows. It doesn’t have to be dinner at an expensive restaurant either. You can plan a “no cell phone” night, a walk at the park, or even try to recreate one of your first dates together.

Remember to Say “I Love You”

Don’t forget to remind your partner why you are together, especially when boredom creeps its head between you two. Simple things like saying, “I love you” or letting them know how much you appreciate them can help you keep the romance alive in your relationship. Try to think about the happy memories the two of you have shared; it can be far too easy to dwell on the problems. Remembering why and how much you love your significant other is a great way to forget about any boredom you thought you were feeling.

Reference

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