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It’s About Getting Through It Together: How to Communicate Your Way out of Family Conflicts

It’s About Getting Through It Together: How to Communicate Your Way out of Family Conflicts

How many of you have had fights with your family members before? If you’re like most people, then you should have raised your hand faster than anything! Family arguments are nothing new and have been happening as long as there have been families. These can be caused by any number of things. These might include differing opinions among family members about a big issue, kids wanting more independence than parents want to give them, big changes in the family like divorce or the birth of a new baby, and when you just misunderstand each other and jump to conclusions.

No matter what the root cause of the conflict is, it’s essential that every family works through whatever conflict they’re going through family counseling. This is important so that you can move forward together and not let any resentment stay throughout the years. We all know that it’s no good to hold grunges against another person or people. That’s especially true when it comes to your family members!

In the below article, you’ll find a comprehensive how-to guide of solving these family conflicts without the help of a counselor. Keep reading to learn more and get these conflicts solved ASAP!

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Don’t react! Respond instead.

First off, let’s have a little bit of an update on your science knowledge. Do you remember learning about your “flight or fight” response in school? Well, if you remember anything, then you know that this response is activated when you’re in dangerous or uncomfortable situations. The reptilian part of your brain (the amygdala) is activated and your first response in these situations is to fight off the danger or to flee away from it.[1]

This same response is activated when it comes to your family conflicts. Whenever a big argument starts up, your first response is going to be to retreat from the fight or to yell back at whichever family member is speaking. This is no good if you want to actually solve the conflict. It’s much better if you take a breath and respond carefully to the argument, rather than reacting with your natural response.

For example, if you’re a teenager and your parent is telling you that you’re not getting an allowance anymore, instead of yelling at your parents, take a breather and get to the bottom as to why they’re doing that. Respond, don’t react.

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Understand how you might respond under stress.

Next up, you should take the proper steps to actually understanding what your fight or flight response might look like. This is especially necessary if you’ve been feeling extra stress lately, which can cause these family conflicts. A stressed mind with improper sleep cannot think positively and many times is the cause for big conflicts for petty issues. Exercise, meditation, and proper sleep helps move our minds and thoughts in positive direction.[2] Below are the things you should keep in mind if you’re feeling stressed and you feel your fight or flight response coming on:

  • Denial: You might believe that if you don’t think about the problem, that it’s going to go away or disappear. You might deny the entire problem or you might deny your anxiety about the problem by being extra aggressive and confrontational.
  • Avoidance: You’re aware that the problem exists and is real, but you don’t want to deal with it. So, you avoid it in whatever way is possible.
  • Projection: You deny your own faults by projecting those faults onto somebody else in the family.
  • Displacement: You change the entire topic of the argument to some unrelated topic that’s related to the family member who you’re angry with.
  • Escalation: You become over-dramatic and completely blow up the conflict out of proportion.

Listen your way out of conflicts.

The next step towards solving this family conflict is all about listening.[3] Sure, your first response is going to be to respond to what the other family member is saying and get your point across. But before you respond, understand that an important part of any response is to listen to the other party. Spend a moment in their shoes to understand why exactly he or she is saying these things and what might be making him or her say them.

For example, if you’re that teenager who’s getting his allowance taken away from him, it might be because you didn’t do all of your chores that you should have. Or your parents are facing some financial trouble. Be sure to listen to what your family members are saying and build some empathy.[4]

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Build up constructive discontent.

Next up, we have a concept that you might not have heard so much about – constructive discontent. Basically, this is your ability to stay grounded and focused on your larger objectives during a family conflict. Even though you should listen to what your family is saying, there are some larger goals that you have, as well. This is something that you have got to practice over-time, but if you do, you will be able to use these emotions to your advantage, rather than being held hostage by what you want.

Always focus on the shared objective of the family.

On top of your overall goals, you should understand that your family has plenty of shared objectives. When you’re having a big conflict, always start back again at the center of the table. What are the big goals of the entire family, not just each individual person? Rather than continuously thinking about the differences that separate your arguments, remember what you all are fighting for.

If you’re like most families, then this goal is to love each other and bring each other up, rather than knocking each other down. When you remember this during a conflict, it’s going to be much easier to resolve and it won’t devolve into a bunch of yelling matches.

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Validate other’s opinions and respect their side.

One of the most important things in solving family conflicts is listening to the other side’s opinion, as we have mentioned. After you have heard your family member out, then it’s time to validate. Validation is a crucial part of this process, as it lets other family members know that you’ve heard their opinion and respect their side.[5]

Now, that doesn’t mean that you have to agree with their argument! You just audibly tell them that you understand where they’re coming from, but respectfully disagree. From there, you can frame your argument as an alternative to their opinion and explain to them how your alternative can benefit everyone’s shared goals in the family. This cooperation is much more effective than simply yelling back and forth.

Agree and resolve the conflict.

Lastly, you shouldn’t leave any stone unturned when you’re wrapping up the family conflict. When everyone has agreed on a common solution, then make sure that everyone is going to abide by that agreement and understands everything about it. Going back to the teenager and the allowance scenario, maybe everyone comes to the agreement that the allowance should just be lowered, rather than taken away entirely. However…

  • Does everyone know how long that will be for?
  • What is the amount of the allowance will be taken down to?
  • What are the core reasons for this deduction?

It could even be good if you write all of this down onto a piece of paper that’s hanging on the fridge. When there’s a physical representation of the agreement, it’s more likely to be followed by everyone involved in the family conflict.

Family conflicts are nothing new. They’ve happened for as long as there have been families and they’re not going anywhere, any time soon. However, if you want your family to be healthy and happy, you can’t just ignore these conflicts. Use the above how-to guide to bring your family through this conflict and come out the other side better than ever before.

Reference

[1] The Brain From Top To Bottom: The Amygdala and Its Allies
[2] Fashion Furniture Rental: Why Sleep Matters?
[3] Business Insider: How to Really Listen to Others?
[4] Creating Happiness: 10 Formulae to Live a Happy Life
[5] Psychology Today: Understanding Validation: A Way to Communicate Acceptance

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Maya Levine

Passionate Writer & Researcher

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Published on October 30, 2020

11 Essential Philosophy Books That Will Open Your Mind

11 Essential Philosophy Books That Will Open Your Mind

There are numerous ways to build your mindset, but none are as profound as reading philosophy books. Through these books, some of the greatest minds around ask questions and delve deep into thought.

While there isn’t always a clear and distinct answer to the many questions of philosophy, the entire field is a gateway to a higher sense of self. It gets you to think about all manner of things.

Below, we cover some of the essential philosophy books that are best for those who are just starting or looking to expand their mind.

How To Choose a Good Philosophy Book

Before getting to this list, we’ve researched ideal philosophy books to help you expand your mind.

We’ve found that the best philosophy books excel in the following criteria:

  • Complexity – Philosophy isn’t a subject that you can’t dive into immediately and understand everything. The books that we selected are great for people making the first leap.
  • Viewpoint – With philosophy, in particular, the author’s views are more important than in your standard book. We want to ensure the viewpoints and thoughts being discussed still hold up to this day.
  • Open-mindedness – Philosophy is all about asking perplexing questions and unraveling the answer. You might not reach a conclusion in the end, but these books are designed to get you to think.
  • Culture – The last criterion is culture. A lot of these books come from early philosophers from centuries ago or possibly from recent years. These philosophy books should paint a picture of the culture.

1. Meditations

    One that you’ll find on many of these types of lists is Meditations and for good reason. It’s the only document of its kind to ever be made. The book focuses on the private thoughts of the world’s most powerful man who advises himself revolving around making good on his responsibilities and the obligations of his position.

    We know enough about Marcus Aurelius to know that he was trained in stoic philosophy and practiced every night on a series of spirituality exercises. These exercises were designed to make him humble, patient, empathetic, generous, and strong in the face of whatever problem he had to face off. And he faced plenty of problems since he was basically the emperor of roughly a third of the planet.

    All of that is poured into this book, and you are bound to remember a line or more that will be applicable in your life. It’s a philosophy book staple.

    Buy Meditations here.

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    2. Letters From a Stoic

      Similar to Marcus Aurelius, Seneca was another powerful man in Rome. He was a brilliant writer at the time and was the kind of guy to give great advice to his most trusted friends. Fortunately, much of his advice comes in letters, and those letters happen to be in this book. The letters themselves provided advice on dealing with grief, wealth, poverty, success, failure, education, and more.

      While Seneca was a stoic, he has a more practical approach and has borrowed from other schools of thought for his advice. As he said when he was alive, “I don’t care about the author if the line is good.” Similar to Meditations, there are several brilliant lines and advice that are still relevant to this day.

      Buy “Letters From a Stoic” here.

      3. Nicomachean Ethics

        Aristotle was a famous Greek philosopher at the time with profound knowledge. He’s named after a form of logic as well called Aristotelian logic. Through this book, Aristotle writes about the root of all Aristotelian ethics. In other words, this book contains the moral ideas that form a base for pretty much all of western civilization.

        Buy “Nicomachean Ethics” here.

        4. Beyond Good & Evil

          Friedrich Nietzsche played a big role in the philosophical world. He was one of the leading philosophers of the existential movement, and it all came through this particular book. He is a brilliant mind. However, the issue with a lot of his work is that it’s all written in German.

          Fortunately, this book is one of the slightly more accessible ones since it’s translated. Within the book, he breaks down the paradoxes of conventional understandings of morality. By doing this, he sets the stage for a lot of the 20th-century thought process that followed.

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          Buy “Beyond Good & Evil” here.

          5. Meditations on First Philosophy

            In Meditations on First Philosophy, René Descartes breaks his book down into six meditations. The book takes a journalistic style that is structured much like a six-day course of meditation. On day one, he gives instructions on discarding all belief in things that are not guaranteed. After that, he tries to establish what can be known for sure. Similar to Meditations, this is a staple and influential philosophical text that you can pick up.

            Buy “Meditations on First Philosophy” here.

            6. Ethics

              Written by Benedict de Spinoza, this came at a time during the Age of Enlightenment. Enlightenment was a movement that dominated the world of ideas in Europe during the 17th and 18th centuries and with that, many schools of thought emerged and were presented through books.

              Out of the many influential philosophy books published back then, Ethics dominated during this period as it discussed the basis of rationalism. Even though we’ve developed further beyond that, Ethics can introduce new ways of thinking from this particular school of thought.

              Buy “Ethics” here.

              7. Critique of Pure Reason

                Immanuel Kant is another great philosopher who brought together two of history’s biggest opposing schools of thought into a single book. Those schools being rational thought and empirical experiential knowledge—knowledge gained through experience.

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                In Critique of Pure Reason, Kant explores human reason and then works to establish its illusions and get down to core constituents. Overall, you can learn more about human behavior and thought processes and thus, open your mind more to how you think and process everything around you.

                Buy “Critique of Pure Reason” here.

                8. On the Genealogy of Morals

                  Another piece of work from Nietzsche that is accessible to us is On the Genealogy of Morals. According to Nietzsche, the purpose of this book is to call attention to his previous writings. That said, it does more than that so you don’t need to worry so much about reading his other books.

                  In this book, he expands on the cryptic aphorisms that he brings up in Beyond Good and Evil and offers a discussion or morality in a work that is more accessible than a lot of his previous work.

                  Buy “On the Genealogy of Morals” here.

                  9. Everything Is F*cked

                    The only book on this list that’s been written in the past few years, this book by Mark Manson aims to explain why we all need hope while also accepting that hope can often lead us to ruin too.

                    While many of the books on this list are all practical, this one is the most realistic one since not even the greatest of philosophical minds could predict things like technology, Twitter, and how our political world has shaped.

                    Manson delivers a profound book that taps into the minds of our ancestral philosophers, such as Plato, Nietzsche, and Tom Waits, and digs deep into various topics and how all of it is connected—religion and politics, our relationship with money, entertainment, and the internet.

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                    Overall, this book serves as a challenge to all of us—a challenge to be more honest with ourselves and connect with the world in a way we’ve never tried before.

                    Buy “Everything Is F*cked” here.

                    10. Reasons and Persons

                      One of the most challenging philosophy books to read on this list, Reasons and Persons will send you on quite the trip. Through a lot of painstaking logic, Derek Parfit shows us some unique perspectives on self-interest, personhood, and whether our actions are good or evil.

                      Considered by many to be an important psychological text around the 20th century, the arguments made about those topics will open your mind to a brand new way of thinking.

                      Buy “Reasons and Persons” here.

                      11. The Republic of Plato

                        Written by Plato himself, this book is the origin of political science and offers a brilliant critique of government. As you would expect, the critique is still important today. If you’re looking to understand the inner thoughts of Plato, this is one of the best books around.

                        Buy “The Republic of Plato” here.

                        Final Thoughts

                        Philosophy books take a while to digest as they provide profound knowledge and leave you with many questions. With many of these philosophy books, you need to take your time with them, and you might have to read through them a few times as well. And with every read, your mind will only expand.

                        More Books to Open Your Mind

                        Featured photo credit: Laura Chouette via unsplash.com

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