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It’s About Getting Through It Together: How to Communicate Your Way out of Family Conflicts

It’s About Getting Through It Together: How to Communicate Your Way out of Family Conflicts

How many of you have had fights with your family members before? If you’re like most people, then you should have raised your hand faster than anything! Family arguments are nothing new and have been happening as long as there have been families. These can be caused by any number of things. These might include differing opinions among family members about a big issue, kids wanting more independence than parents want to give them, big changes in the family like divorce or the birth of a new baby, and when you just misunderstand each other and jump to conclusions.

No matter what the root cause of the conflict is, it’s essential that every family works through whatever conflict they’re going through family counseling. This is important so that you can move forward together and not let any resentment stay throughout the years. We all know that it’s no good to hold grunges against another person or people. That’s especially true when it comes to your family members!

In the below article, you’ll find a comprehensive how-to guide of solving these family conflicts without the help of a counselor. Keep reading to learn more and get these conflicts solved ASAP!

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Don’t react! Respond instead.

First off, let’s have a little bit of an update on your science knowledge. Do you remember learning about your “flight or fight” response in school? Well, if you remember anything, then you know that this response is activated when you’re in dangerous or uncomfortable situations. The reptilian part of your brain (the amygdala) is activated and your first response in these situations is to fight off the danger or to flee away from it.[1]

This same response is activated when it comes to your family conflicts. Whenever a big argument starts up, your first response is going to be to retreat from the fight or to yell back at whichever family member is speaking. This is no good if you want to actually solve the conflict. It’s much better if you take a breath and respond carefully to the argument, rather than reacting with your natural response.

For example, if you’re a teenager and your parent is telling you that you’re not getting an allowance anymore, instead of yelling at your parents, take a breather and get to the bottom as to why they’re doing that. Respond, don’t react.

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Understand how you might respond under stress.

Next up, you should take the proper steps to actually understanding what your fight or flight response might look like. This is especially necessary if you’ve been feeling extra stress lately, which can cause these family conflicts. A stressed mind with improper sleep cannot think positively and many times is the cause for big conflicts for petty issues. Exercise, meditation, and proper sleep helps move our minds and thoughts in positive direction.[2] Below are the things you should keep in mind if you’re feeling stressed and you feel your fight or flight response coming on:

  • Denial: You might believe that if you don’t think about the problem, that it’s going to go away or disappear. You might deny the entire problem or you might deny your anxiety about the problem by being extra aggressive and confrontational.
  • Avoidance: You’re aware that the problem exists and is real, but you don’t want to deal with it. So, you avoid it in whatever way is possible.
  • Projection: You deny your own faults by projecting those faults onto somebody else in the family.
  • Displacement: You change the entire topic of the argument to some unrelated topic that’s related to the family member who you’re angry with.
  • Escalation: You become over-dramatic and completely blow up the conflict out of proportion.

Listen your way out of conflicts.

The next step towards solving this family conflict is all about listening.[3] Sure, your first response is going to be to respond to what the other family member is saying and get your point across. But before you respond, understand that an important part of any response is to listen to the other party. Spend a moment in their shoes to understand why exactly he or she is saying these things and what might be making him or her say them.

For example, if you’re that teenager who’s getting his allowance taken away from him, it might be because you didn’t do all of your chores that you should have. Or your parents are facing some financial trouble. Be sure to listen to what your family members are saying and build some empathy.[4]

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Build up constructive discontent.

Next up, we have a concept that you might not have heard so much about – constructive discontent. Basically, this is your ability to stay grounded and focused on your larger objectives during a family conflict. Even though you should listen to what your family is saying, there are some larger goals that you have, as well. This is something that you have got to practice over-time, but if you do, you will be able to use these emotions to your advantage, rather than being held hostage by what you want.

Always focus on the shared objective of the family.

On top of your overall goals, you should understand that your family has plenty of shared objectives. When you’re having a big conflict, always start back again at the center of the table. What are the big goals of the entire family, not just each individual person? Rather than continuously thinking about the differences that separate your arguments, remember what you all are fighting for.

If you’re like most families, then this goal is to love each other and bring each other up, rather than knocking each other down. When you remember this during a conflict, it’s going to be much easier to resolve and it won’t devolve into a bunch of yelling matches.

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Validate other’s opinions and respect their side.

One of the most important things in solving family conflicts is listening to the other side’s opinion, as we have mentioned. After you have heard your family member out, then it’s time to validate. Validation is a crucial part of this process, as it lets other family members know that you’ve heard their opinion and respect their side.[5]

Now, that doesn’t mean that you have to agree with their argument! You just audibly tell them that you understand where they’re coming from, but respectfully disagree. From there, you can frame your argument as an alternative to their opinion and explain to them how your alternative can benefit everyone’s shared goals in the family. This cooperation is much more effective than simply yelling back and forth.

Agree and resolve the conflict.

Lastly, you shouldn’t leave any stone unturned when you’re wrapping up the family conflict. When everyone has agreed on a common solution, then make sure that everyone is going to abide by that agreement and understands everything about it. Going back to the teenager and the allowance scenario, maybe everyone comes to the agreement that the allowance should just be lowered, rather than taken away entirely. However…

  • Does everyone know how long that will be for?
  • What is the amount of the allowance will be taken down to?
  • What are the core reasons for this deduction?

It could even be good if you write all of this down onto a piece of paper that’s hanging on the fridge. When there’s a physical representation of the agreement, it’s more likely to be followed by everyone involved in the family conflict.

Family conflicts are nothing new. They’ve happened for as long as there have been families and they’re not going anywhere, any time soon. However, if you want your family to be healthy and happy, you can’t just ignore these conflicts. Use the above how-to guide to bring your family through this conflict and come out the other side better than ever before.

Reference

[1] The Brain From Top To Bottom: The Amygdala and Its Allies
[2] Fashion Furniture Rental: Why Sleep Matters?
[3] Business Insider: How to Really Listen to Others?
[4] Creating Happiness: 10 Formulae to Live a Happy Life
[5] Psychology Today: Understanding Validation: A Way to Communicate Acceptance

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Maya Levine

Passionate Writer & Researcher

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Last Updated on February 11, 2021

20 Amazing Facts About Dreams that You Might Not Know About

20 Amazing Facts About Dreams that You Might Not Know About

Dreams — Mysterious, bewildering, eye-opening and sometimes a nightmarish living hell. Dreams are all that and much more.

Here are 20 amazing facts about dreams that you might have never heard about:

Fact #1: You can’t read while dreaming, or tell the time

    If you are unsure whether you are dreaming or not, try reading something. The vast majority of people are incapable of reading in their dreams.

    The same goes for clocks: each time you look at a clock it will tell a different time and the hands on the clock won’t appear to be moving as reported by lucid dreamers.

    Fact #2: Lucid dreaming

    There is a whole subculture of people practicing what is called lucid or conscious dreaming. Using various techniques, these people have supposedly learned to assume control of their dreams and do amazing things like flying, passing through walls, and traveling to different dimensions or even back in time.

    Want to learn how to control your dreams? You can try these tips:

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    Lucid Dreaming: This Is How You Can Control Your Dreams

    Fact #3: Inventions inspired by dreams

    Dreams are responsible for many of the greatest inventions of mankind. A few examples include:

    • The idea for Google -Larry Page
    • Alternating current generator -Tesla
    • DNA’s double helix spiral form -James Watson
    • The sewing machine -Elias Howe
    • Periodic table -Dimitri Mendeleyev

    …and many, many more.

    Fact #4: Premonition dreams

    There are some astounding cases where people actually dreamt about things which happened to them later, in the exact same ways they dreamed about.

    You could say they got a glimpse of the future, or it might have just been coincidence. The fact remains that this is some seriously interesting and bizarre phenomena. Some of the most famous premonition dreams include:

    • Abraham Lincoln dreamt of His Assassination
    • Many of the victims of 9/11 had dreams warning them about the catastrophe
    • Mark Twain’s dream of his brother’s demise
    • 19 verified precognitive dreams about the Titanic catastrophe

    Fact #5: Sleep paralysis

    Hell is real and it is called sleep paralysis. It’s the stuff of true nightmares. I’ve been a sleep paralysis sufferer as a kid and I can attest to how truly horrible it is.

    Two characteristics of sleep paralysis are the inability to move (hence paralysis) and a sense of an extremely evil presence in the room with you. It doesn’t feel like a dream, but 100% real. Studies show that during an attack, sleep paralysis sufferers show an overwhelming amygdala activity. The amygdala is responsible for the “fight or flight” instinct and the emotions of fear, terror and anxiety. Enough said!

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    Fact #6: REM sleep disorder

    In the state of REM (rapid-eye-movement) stage of your sleep your body is normally paralyzed. In rare cases, however, people act out their dreams. These have resulted in broken arms, legs, broken furniture, and in at least one reported case, a house burnt down.

    Fact #7: Sexual dreams

    The very scientifically-named “nocturnal penile tumescence” is a very well documented phenomena. In laymen’s term, it simply means that you get a stiffy while you sleep. Actually, studies indicate that men get up to 20 erections per dream.

    Fact #8: Unbelievable sleepwalkers

      Sleepwalking is a very rare and potentially dangerous sleep disorder. It is an extreme form of REM sleep disorder, and these people don’t just act out their dreams, but go on real adventures at night.

      Lee Hadwin is a nurse by profession, but in his dreams he is an artist. Literally. He “sleepdraws” gorgeous portraits, of which he has no recollection afterwards. Strange sleepwalking “adventures” include:

      • A woman having sex with strangers while sleepwalking
      • A man who drove 22 miles and killed his cousin while sleepwalking
      • A sleepwalker who walked out of the window from the third floor, and barely survived

      Fact #9: Dream drug

      There are actually people who like dreaming and dreams so much that they never want to wake up. They want to continue on dreaming even during the day, so they take an illegal and extremely potent hallucinogenic drug called Dimethyltryptamine. It is actually only an isolated and synthetic form of the chemical our brains produce naturally during dreaming.

      Fact #10 Dream-catcher

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        The dream-catcher is one of the most well-known Native American symbols. It is a loose web or webs woven around a hoop and decorated with sacred objects meant to protect against nightmares.

        Fact #11: Increased brain activity

        You would associate sleeping with peace and quiet, but actually our brains are more active during sleep than during the day.

        Fact #12: Creativity and dreams

        As we mentioned before, dreams are responsible for inventions, great artworks and are generally just incredibly interesting. They are also “recharging” our creativity.

        Scientists also say that keeping a dream diary helps with creativity.

        In rare cases of REM disorder, people actually don’t dream at all. These people suffer from significantly decreased creativity and perform badly at tasks requiring creative problem solving.

        Fact #13: Pets dream too

          Our animal companions dream as well. Watch a dog or a cat sleep and you can see that they are moving their paws and making noises like they were chasing something. Go get ’em buddy!

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          Fact #14: You always dream—you just don’t remember it

          Many people claim that they don’t dream at all, but that’s not true: we all dream, but up to 60% of people don’t remember their dreams at all.

          Fact #15: Blind people dream too

          Blind people who were not born blind see images in their dreams but people who were born blind don’t see anything at all. They still dream, and their dreams are just as intense and interesting, but they involve the other senses beside sight.

          Fact #16: In your dreams, you only see faces that you already know

            It is proven that in dreams, we can only see faces that we have seen in real life before. So beware: that scary-looking old lady next to you on the bus might as well be in your next nightmare.

            Fact #17: Dreams tend to be negative

            Surprisingly, dreams are more often negative than positive. The three most widely reported emotions felt during dreaming are anger, sadness and fear.

            Fact #18: Multiple dreams per night

            You can have up to seven different dreams per night depending on how many REM cycles you have. We only dream during the REM period of sleep, and the average person dreams one to two hours every night.

            Fact #19: Gender differences

            Interestingly, 70% of all the characters in a man’s dream are other men, but women’s dream contain an equal amount of women and men. Also men’s dreams contain a lot more aggression. Both women and men dream about sexual themes equally often.

            Fact #20: Not everyone dreams in color

            As much as 12% of people only dream in black and white.

            Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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