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Should I Get Back with My Ex? Check These Signs

Should I Get Back with My Ex? Check These Signs

If you have ever broken up with someone you love, then you probably understand how tough the period after the breakup can be. First you have to deal with the inner pain that comes with missing your partner and the things you do together. When that increases to a certain point, you can start having doubts about your break up, more so if you were the one who initiated it. Was that the right decision to make or was I being too rash? Am I better off? And maybe even, should I get back with my ex?

For those that do want to see whether getting back together with your ex is a good idea, there is some good news. You can predict your chances of getting back with your ex fairly accurately by looking out for signs that you and your partner still stand a good chance together. Here is a list of those 8 factors to consider:

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The reason for your breakup

Why did the two of you break up? How serious was the cause of your breakup? People break up for all kinds of reasons, some more serious than others. There are some reasons that are easy to forgive, like a missed date, or something petty, and if your breakup was caused by something minor, then you have a good chance if you gave it another go. But, there are also reasons that might be way too serious to overcome – the law calls them irreconcilable differences. With these you’d probably best forget it and move on.

How long the two of you have been apart

Time heals many things, and while a breakup might seem like the end of the world, down the line it might look like the most natural thing in the world. So the longer the two of you have been apart, the lower your chances of getting back together becomes.

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How things ended between you

Did you break up through a text? Did the two of you sit down and decide that it was the best thing for both of you? Or was it a messy breakup full of insults and aggression?! The manner in which the two of you brought matters to a close will significantly affect your chances of getting back together. Generally speaking, the more amicably you ended things between you, the better your chances of getting back together.

Your actions after the breakup

Some people are affected deeply by the things their ex partners do after they break up – sometimes even more so than before the break up. Things like committing to a new relationship, even for a brief stint, could ruin the chances of ever getting back together. So could the actions following the breakup; was there any regretful behaviour whilst emotions were running high?

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How deeply the two of you were involved

How deeply had you reached into each other’s lives? The more deeply the two of you were involved, the more likely it is that it will work if you get back together. For instance, partners who share a child or children are more than twice as likely to get back together after a breakup compared to childless couples.

Emotional attachment

How do you feel when the two of you are close together? Do you still feel the urge to touch each other ever so lightly? If there is still an emotional flame that burns between you, then you might still have a good chance.

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Whether you are able to forgive each other

If you are able to have a frank discussion and forgive each other whole heartedly, then this is a very positive step towards getting the two of you getting back together.

Breaking up is never easy, even if you were the person to initiate the ending of the relationship. A period of adjustment is inevitable, especially if you had been together for a long time. That can sometimes hurt… really badly! Don’t put pressure on yourself to get back into the dating pool and move on faster than you feel comfortable, everyone is different. Take it one day at a time, and face the future, whether it’s with your ex or without.

Featured photo credit: Pablo Heimplatz via stocksnap.io

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Last Updated on August 6, 2020

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

We’ve all done it. That moment when a series of words slithers from your mouth and the instant regret manifests through blushing and profuse apologies. If you could just think before you speak! It doesn’t have to be like this, and with a bit of practice, it’s actually quite easy to prevent.

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napolean Hill

Are we speaking the same language?

My mum recently left me a note thanking me for looking after her dog. She’d signed it with “LOL.” In my world, this means “laugh out loud,” and in her world it means “lots of love.” My kids tell me things are “sick” when they’re good, and ”manck” when they’re bad (when I say “bad,” I don’t mean good!). It’s amazing that we manage to communicate at all.

When speaking, we tend to color our language with words and phrases that have become personal to us, things we’ve picked up from our friends, families and even memes from the internet. These colloquialisms become normal, and we expect the listener (or reader) to understand “what we mean.” If you really want the listener to understand your meaning, try to use words and phrases that they might use.

Am I being lazy?

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, a strange metamorphosis takes place. People tend to become lazier in the way that they communicate with each other, with less thought for the feelings of their partner. There’s no malice intended; we just reach a “comfort zone” and know that our partners “know what we mean.”

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Here’s an exchange from Psychology Today to demonstrate what I mean:

Early in the relationship:

“Honey, I don’t want you to take this wrong, but I’m noticing that your hair is getting a little thin on top. I know guys are sensitive about losing their hair, but I don’t want someone else to embarrass you without your expecting it.”

When the relationship is established:

“Did you know that you’re losing a lot of hair on the back of your head? You’re combing it funny and it doesn’t help. Wear a baseball cap or something if you feel weird about it. Lots of guys get thin on top. It’s no big deal.”

It’s pretty clear which of these statements is more empathetic and more likely to be received well. Recognizing when we do this can be tricky, but with a little practice it becomes easy.

Have I actually got anything to say?

When I was a kid, my gran used to say to me that if I didn’t have anything good to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. My gran couldn’t stand gossip, so this makes total sense, but you can take this statement a little further and modify it: “If you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

A lot of the time, people speak to fill “uncomfortable silences,” or because they believe that saying something, anything, is better than staying quiet. It can even be a cause of anxiety for some people.

When somebody else is speaking, listen. Don’t wait to speak. Listen. Actually hear what that person is saying, think about it, and respond if necessary.

Am I painting an accurate picture?

One of the most common forms of miscommunication is the lack of a “referential index,” a type of generalization that fails to refer to specific nouns. As an example, look at these two simple phrases: “Can you pass me that?” and “Pass me that thing over there!”. How often have you said something similar?

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How is the listener supposed to know what you mean? The person that you’re talking to will start to fill in the gaps with something that may very well be completely different to what you mean. You’re thinking “pass me the salt,” but you get passed the pepper. This can be infuriating for the listener, and more importantly, can create a lack of understanding and ultimately produce conflict.

Before you speak, try to label people, places and objects in a way that it is easy for any listeners to understand.

What words am I using?

It’s well known that our use of nouns and verbs (or lack of them) gives an insight into where we grew up, our education, our thoughts and our feelings.

Less well known is that the use of pronouns offers a critical insight into how we emotionally code our sentences. James Pennebaker’s research in the 1990’s concluded that function words are important keys to someone’s psychological state and reveal much more than content words do.

Starting a sentence with “I think…” demonstrates self-focus rather than empathy with the speaker, whereas asking the speaker to elaborate or quantify what they’re saying clearly shows that you’re listening and have respect even if you disagree.

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Is the map really the territory?

Before speaking, we sometimes construct a scenario that makes us act in a way that isn’t necessarily reflective of the actual situation.

A while ago, John promised to help me out in a big way with a project that I was working on. After an initial meeting and some big promises, we put together a plan and set off on its execution. A week or so went by, and I tried to get a hold of John to see how things were going. After voice mails and emails with no reply and general silence, I tried again a week later and still got no response.

I was frustrated and started to get more than a bit vexed. The project obviously meant more to me than it did to him, and I started to construct all manner of crazy scenarios. I finally got through to John and immediately started a mild rant about making promises you can’t keep. He stopped me in my tracks with the news that his brother had died. If I’d have just thought before I spoke…

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