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What Sadists Are Actually Thinking And Why

What Sadists Are Actually Thinking And Why

No doubt you saw this coming, the novel Fifty Shades of Gray by E.L. James has transformed and fetishized the sadomasochist dynamic. There has been a movement if you will of primarily women who wish to nurture their inner freak, ideally at the hands of a handsome and complicated billionaire.

Ahh, Harley Quinn, the sexy and shall we say quirky super villain who is notorious for her obedience and devotion to the manipulative and sadistic Joker. In the film Suicide Squad, Harley literally throws herself into a vat of toxic waste to prove her undying commitment to her psychotically endearing counterpart. Although their relationship is clearly a case of cut and dry domestic abuse, there is something alluring about their compatibility.

Stepping outside of the world of literature and fantasy, some of our beloved and renowned celebrities have a dark and sadomasochistic side of a sexual nature. Angelina Jolie is not bashful when it comes to disclosing intimate details about her sexual urges. Rhianna is another example, proclaiming her naughty side with lyrics such as, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me.”

But has sexiness in sadism been overrated these days?

Sadism takes on various forms.

Sadism. The act of inflicting pain on others for personal enjoyment, typically of a sexual nature. Formerly a taboo topic, sadomasochistic relationships have reached a new platform of glorification by the media. But sadism can breach far outside of the bedroom, manifesting into forms of bullying and intimidation in everyday life.

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Before we go ahead and demonize the term, we have to ask ourselves, aren’t we all a bit sadistic at times? If you have ever gotten enjoyment out of hurting another individual, regardless of how deserving of the abuse you believe them to be; verbally, physically, or emotionally, then you have a bit of a sadistic side.

Every sadist needs a masochist to satisfy their fantasies.

For every yin there is a yang, and for every sadist, there is a masochist to feed their need for release. But this concept is not completely black and white.

Many sadists tend to have masochistic tendencies, while masochists inhibit some sadistic tendencies as well. There is a sliding scale of extremity, from something as playful and seemingly innocent as a bit of nibbling and spanking when things are getting steamy; to the more sinister side of the spectrum where consenting partners partake in cutting, gagging, rape fantasies and humiliation.

According to a survey consisting of 391 individuals that was orchestrated by Dr. Justin LeMiller, Sex Psychologist , there was an even 50-50 keel of sadistic and masochistic preference in the bedroom.[1]

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    Digging a bit deeper, for the 50% who had reported receiving pain in a sexual nature, 64% reported the pain being physical, but of a very low intensity. 33% reported the pain being both physical and psychological, and 3% reported solely psychological pain. The results were nearly identical for the sadists, those who’s experiences consisted of giving pain. 66% reported that the pain given was strictly in a physical nature, 32% reported both psychological and physical pain, whereas only 2% administered solely psychological pain.

    All reports indicated that the pain given was of a low intensity. The study goes to dig deeper still, exploring the commonality of various acts. Bondage, biting, spanking, and handcuffs were among the most occurring; while wax, shocking, cutting, piercing and clamping were much less common but still prevalent.

    So what can we learn from this study? Well, for the majority of the participants, the “abuse” was administered in a very light and nearly playful manner. In addition, all of the participants enjoyed to assume both roles of the sadist as well as the masochist.

    The act of sadism can stem from childhood experiences, as well as everyday stress.

    Psychologists have come to believe that these sexual urges may stem from childhood traumas and experiences that surface later in life, typically during early adulthood. Often unrecognized by the individual, they process through their underlying issues by either administering or accepting pain as a form of release or personal punishment.

    Those who lead very stressful, high pressure lives riddled with responsibility are more likely to assume the role of submission; to take a step back from their authoritative lives and allow others to relieve them of the burden. Submissive’s may also suffer from guilt and other psychological ailments, and therefore ask to receive pain as punishment, as has been speculated by experts such as Dr. Vince Berger.[2]

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    Sadists may very well be submissive in their everyday lives, passive and easy going. This can be voluntary, but more often than not they are forced into submission by circumstances that are out of their control. They assume the dominant role in intimate settings to release their frustrations, and for once feel like they are in control.

    Depending on their mood or urges, they may flip flop between the roles of sadism and masochism to satisfy their needs. The human psyche is a labyrinth of experiences and manifestations stemming from experiences, and it is difficult to pinpoint what generates various urges and fantasies.

    Stepping outside of the bedroom we have what is called the “Everyday Sadist.”

    This also ranges on a sliding scale. Experiencing gratification something as “innocent” as killing off an opponent during a video game is a mild form of sadism. The enjoyment of watching your favorite characters feud on an episode of reality TV is another.

    These acts are seemingly harmless, but in a sense the individual is still benefiting from someone else’s pain. As the scale intensifies, acts such as brake checking and other forms of road rage are more sinister and malicious, satisfying the need to cause other people harm for personal enjoyment.

    Sadism ranges in intensity, it may be hard to identify but there are still some telling characteristics.

    So now that we have a pretty accurate depiction of what a sadist actually is, how do you identify one? There are no tell-tale features that a sadist portrays. You kind of just have to wait and see until they start to show their true colors to really get to know their true nature. But there are a variety of characteristics that could send up some red flags.

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    1. They enjoy seeing people hurt. This could range from starting a rumor, to publicly shaming an individual for the sole purpose of seeing them squirm, and feeling in control of their happiness.
    2. They enjoy hurting people. Similar to the previous point, but they enjoy to physically hurt other individuals. Say someone is standing too close to them on the train, so they “accidentally” stomp on their foot to make up for their aggravations.
    3. The idea of others in pain is exciting. They are the first person to rally when a fist fight breaks out. They want to see blood. They get off on the violent energy.
    4. They think it is acceptable to cause others’ pain. To them, it is a part of the circle of life. Either you’re at the top of the chain or you’re not, and if you’re at the bottom, prepare to get stepped on.
    5. They have fantasies that involve hurting others. This could be of a sexual or everyday nature.
    6. They hurt others just because they could. A seemingly simple act such as squashing bugs when it isn’t a necessity can be considered sadistic. A more drastic form of this would be bullying which can take many forms.
    7. Humiliating others to keep them in line. Perhaps during an argument they raise their voice to draw the attention of others, putting their opponent in an uncomfortable and sometimes mortifying position.
    8. Sexual tendencies. This one is a no-brainer. If they ask you to submit to various forms of sexual acts such as bondage, gagging, slapping, hair pulling, choking; you get the picture.

    The best way to get rid of a sadist is to make them believe that leaving was their choice.

    On a sexual level, this is really just a question of preference. If you harbor submissive urges and tendencies, then a sadistic partner may on some level be ideal. Although in this circumstance, the sadism will most likely stay in the bedroom and never cross over into everyday life.

    If the individual in question is showcasing any of the 1-7 characteristics stated above, my advice is to gauge exactly where they fall on the spectrum of sadism. To an extent, we all can resonate with a few of these points depending on the circumstances and our present mood. If you notice that their levels of “Everyday sadism”[3] are a bit more extreme, then tactfully retreat from the situation.

    The most effective way to approach this is to make them believe that leaving is their choice.

    These people need to feel that they are in control, and will lash out if that control is taken away from them. This can be tricky, because you may think that you’re putting them off, when in reality you are giving them ammunition to feed their urges.

    Say you decide to stop wearing deodorant, or start chewing loudly to turn them off. They might take this opportunity to ridicule you for these habits, once again putting you on the receiving end of the abuse. If you can successfully turn them off, they will lose interest and leave on their own.

    A slightly more risky yet effective way to deter them may be to challenge their authority.

    More likely than not, they are attracted to those who easily submit to their demands. Turn up the sass a bit, and start taking control. They will feel put off, and are likely to start looking elsewhere.

    Reference

    [1] Dr. Justin Lehmiller: What Do Sadists and Masochists Actually Do In Bed?
    [2] Dr. Vince Berger: Sadomasochism
    [3] Psychology Today: 10 Ways to Spot an ‘Everyday’ Sadist

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    Jenn Beach

    Traveling vagabond, writer, & plant-based food enthusiast.

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    Last Updated on October 22, 2019

    How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

    How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

    When someone says, “I can’t do it” . . . I say to myself, “What do you mean you can’t do it?” Maybe you don’t want to do it, but saying you “can’t” do it is a completely different story.

    With the right mindset, positive attitude, and a clear vision of what you want to accomplish, the only thing that is holding you back is yourself.

    Can’t is a terrible word and it has to be taken out of your vocabulary.

    By saying you can’t do something, you’re already doubting yourself, submitting to defeat, and you’re making that barrier around your life tighter.

    So today, right now, we are going to remove this word for good.

    From now on there is nothing we can’t do.

    “Attitude is Tattoo”

    Your attitude is everything; it’s your reason, your why and how, your facial expression, emotions, body language, and potentially the end result. How you approach an opportunity, and the result of it, is solely based on you — not your boss or your co-worker or friend.

    If you enter a business meeting with a sour attitude, that negative energy can spread like wildfire. People can also feel it — maybe even taste it. This is not an impression you want to leave.

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    Now imagine you enter a business meeting with a positive attitude, that whatever happens in here is going to be your result, in your control, not someone else’s. Of course, we can’t always win, but even if the outcome is negative, your attitude and perception can turn it into a positive. The question is: can you do it?

    Of course you can, because there is nothing in this world you can’t do.

    It’s much better to be known for your positive attitude — your poise, your energy, the reason why things go so well because you are able to maintain such character. A negative attitude is easy. It’s easy to complain, it’s easy to be mad, and it’s even easier to do nothing to change it.

    When I say your “attitude is tattoo”, it sounds permanent. Tattoos can be removed, but that’s not the point. Your attitude is like a tattoo because you wear it. People can see it and sometimes, they will judge you on it. If you maintain a negative attitude, then it is permanent until you change it.

    Change your attitude and I guarantee the results change as well.

    Believe You Can Do It

    Do you know why most people say “can’t” and doubt themselves before trying anything?

    It’s our lack of self-confidence and fear on many different levels. The one thing we have to purge from ourselves is fear — fear of bad results, fear of change, fear of denial, fear of loss, the fear that makes us worry and lose sleep. Worrying is the same as going outside with an umbrella, waiting for rain to hit it. Stop worrying and move on.

    Confidence is fragile: It builds up slowly, but can shatter like glass. Project your confidence and energy into believing in yourself. This is a very important and groundbreaking step — one that is usually the hardest to take. Start telling yourself you can do something, anything, and you will do it the best to your ability. Remove doubt, remove fear, and stick with positive energy.

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    Embrace Failure

    Do not fear failure. Do not run away from it. Face it, learn from it, grow, and take action. Just remember: You will never know success if you have never failed.

    Your confidence will bolster after embracing these facts. You will be immune to demoralizing results, and instead you will find ways to fix it, improve upon it, and make it better than before. You will learn to never say “can’t,” and will realize how many more opportunities you can create by removing that one word.

    Don’t let one simple and ugly word plague your confidence. You’re better and stronger than that.

    Start Making the Change

    But to actually start the process of change is very challenging.

    Why is that?

    Fear? Time? Don’t know how — or where — to start?

    It’s hard because what we’re doing is unlearning what we know. We are used to doing things a certain way, and chances are we’ve been doing them for years.

    So here are some ways that I avoid using the word “can’t”, and actually take the steps to put forth the change that I wish to see. I hope you can incorporate these methods into your life.

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    Write down What You Want to Change

    Write it on post-its, notecards, whatever makes you comfortable — something you will always see. I usually write mine on post-its and put them all over the wall behind my monitor so I always see them.

    Tell a Friend and Talk About It

    Discussing your goals, what you want to change, is very effective when you say it out loud and tell another person other than yourself. It’s almost like saying, hey, I bet I can do it — watch me.

    When you fulfill that goal and tell your friend, it feels rewarding and will motivate you to do it again in a different aspect. Who knows? Maybe your friend adopts the same mindset as you.

    Stop Yourself from Saying the Forbidden Word

    Sometimes,I can’t control myself in public when I’m with friends, so I have to be careful with the words I use so I don’t embarrass or insult anyone.

    Treat the word “can’t” as the worst word you can possibly use. Stop yourself from saying it, mid-sentence if you must, and turn your whole perspective around — you can do it, you will do it, and nothing is impossible!

    Repetition, Repetition, Repetition

    You think this change will be overnight? No way. This is a practice. Something you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life from now until forever.

    As I said earlier, you are unlearning what you know. You know how easy it is to say you can’t do something, so by unlearning this easy practice, you’re self-disciplining yourself to live without boundaries.

    Practice this everyday, a little at a time, and before you know it, the word can’t will not be part of your language.

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    Do Anything That Can Relieve Your Uncertainty

    When I catch myself saying I can’t do something or I don’t know something, looking up information on that action or subject, doing research, educating yourself, relieves that uncertainty.

    Sometimes, we think we can’t do something because the whole idea of it seems too large. We skip the small steps in our head and only focus on the end.

    Before you say you can’t do something, rewind and slow down a little bit. Focus on what the first step is, then the next. Take it a step at a time, and before you know it you will have done something you previously thought you couldn’t do.

    Final Thoughts

    You know what you must do. The first step is right now. Once you begin this habit, and really start noticing some change, you’ll realize the door to opportunity is everywhere.

    The funny thing is: Those doors have always been there. The evil word that we no longer use put a veil over our eyes because that’s how powerful that word is.

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    Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

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