Advertising
Advertising

How to Find Love That Really Lasts

How to Find Love That Really Lasts

Being single and struggling to find true love that lasts is still one of the biggest struggles so many people are facing today, no matter how successful they may be in other aspects of their lives. Although it may seem that you are lonely in your struggle, bear in mind that 44% of adult American population is single, 40 million of which are actively searching for love via online dating services.

The reasons for being single vary from person to person…

You may have been single for a while

It’s either because you didn’t have the time to dedicate to dating and truly getting to know someone, or you simply couldn’t find the partner that suits your needs. Either way, a certain amount of time has gone by, making it harder for you to get back in the game and start from scratch.

You may have gone through lots of heartbreaks in the past

Advertising

It is not uncommon that people who have been through some negative past experiences will feel uncertain and fearful once they are faced with similar situations.

No matter how hard it seems, or what our past experiences may be, for most people love is worth the search and the struggle. You are one of them since you are reading this article. You are the person with a clear goal in mind – you want the love that brings happiness, love that is true, honest and that lasts.

However, knowing what you want doesn’t always result in getting it. Anyone who has ever been single knows that finding the love you want can be quite challenging. The first question that comes to your mind is – How does one go about finding love actually? Then, you might ask if you were even supposed to be looking for love. Isn’t it one of those things that just happens or doesn’t, you might ask. Then, even if you meet someone, how do you really get to know a person? Or, you might have a problem identifying the right person for you. And, finally, how do you avoid making the same choices and mistakes?

How to find true love

At least from my experience, and from the experiences of people around me, love does not come when we look for it, nor when we pressure it into being. On the contrary, true love that lasts comes when you stop looking for it outside of yourself. Rather than looking for the love in the people we meet, and blaming them for not doing so, we need to shift the focus onto ourselves instead.

1. Work on yourself

Advertising

As the commonly known attraction principle states – we attract who we are. Therefore, if you are a person who is looking for others to provide them with the love they lack for themselves, chances are you are going to meet exactly those kind of people, who also look for someone to fulfill that gap for them. You know the rest of this story.

On the other hand, think of the people you know, I’m sure we all have at least one or two friends, or relatives, who simply find love whenever they want to. Great chances are that all of those people have one common denominator – they love themselves. To love yourself means to accept who you are, not care what anyone else thinks of you; to do what you love the most, and to be completely content with yourself.

Then, the message you are sending out tells of a person who is easily lovable and doesn’t feel needy of other people’s attention. And, that is exactly why love and attention are what they are most commonly getting.

2. Don’t rush

You can’t hurry love, indeed. If you are tired of waiting for the one, you can easily get into the trap of rushing into a relationship with the first person that seems nice enough without even taking the time to truly get to know the person. By rushing things we are more likely to sacrifice ourselves. This usually leaves a bitter taste in your mouth after you get some time to rationally think about everything.

Advertising

3. Reach out to meet new people

In order to break all negative or ineffective past programs, we have to step out into the world in a different way. Since chances of meeting the relationship material at a bar are 9% for women and 2% for men, why not trying some other activities where you can meet some interesting people, and maybe a future love interest.

If you have a dog, dog parks are a great place for both you and your furry friend to meet some like-minded people.

Another great way to meet new people is through everyone’s favorite topic – food. Depending on the type of food you like, you can find many great cooking classes, try pop-up dining, or any other type of food inspired gathering where you can meet and chat with people who share your taste.

With numerous dating websites and apps being developed recently, online dating has become mainstream in the last couple of years. Even though online dating has many pros and cons, you can benefit from it if you combine it with the real life experience wisely. Make sure to use the dating apps just as means for getting into contact with people and getting to know them a little before you meet them in the real world where you may consider dating.

Advertising

4. Don’t always trust the love at first sight

One of the common misconceptions about love that is meant to last is that there has to be an instant attraction between two people. In reality, physical attraction can be an important factor, yet it could also be completely misleading and short lived. This is why relationships between people who were friends first, are usually strong, healthy and lasting.

5. Don’t settle for an OK relationship

Ultimately, we can all feel what constitutes the right relationship for us, no matter how many disappointments it took to get us there. Therefore, we owe it to ourselves to not settle for anything less than that. Accepting an OK relationship out of fear of being alone robs us of our precious time we could spend focusing on ourselves and meeting the person who is just right for us.

This doesn’t mean that true and lasting love is perfect, there is no one with whom we are the absolute perfect match with, yet it takes less effort to work on a relationship once we meet someone we share the same goals with.

More by this author

Ana Erkic

Social Media Consultant, Online Marketing Strategist, Copywriter, CEO and Co-Founder of Growato

Who Says All Introverts Hate Socializing? Here’s The Truth About Introvert And Extrovert Every Time You Drink A Beer, Remember To Drink The Same Amount Of Water You’re Exceptionally Creative If You See The Correct Image (Only 1/100 People Can Do This!) If You Have These 6 Struggles, You’re Highly Intelligent 15 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Be Truly Happy

Trending in Communication

1 This Is How Mentally Strong People Deal With Guilt 2 The Art of Humble Confidence 3 19 Definitions Of Success You Should Never Ignore 4 12 Things High Self-Esteem People Don’t Do 5 10 Essential Books on Relationships To Help You Understand Love

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on October 14, 2020

The Art of Humble Confidence

The Art of Humble Confidence

To be confident or not to be confident, that is the question. I’m not sure about you, but I’ve been a bit confused about all this discussion about the subject of confidence. Do you really need to be more confident or should you try to be more humble? I think the answer is both – you just have to know where to use it.

East VS West – Confidence, It’s a Cultural Thing

In typical Western countries, the answer to the confidence debate is obvious – more is better. Our heros are rebellious, independent and shoot first, ask questions later. I think this snippet of dialog from The Matrix sums it up best:

Agent Smith – “We’re willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. All that we’re asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.”
Neo – “Yeah. Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger”
[He does]
Neo -“ …and you give me my phone call.”

In Eastern countries, the tone is often considerably different. Elders are supposed to be revered not dismissed. The words ‘guru,’ meaning a teacher, and the philosophy of dharma, loosely translated to mean ‘duty,’ come from here. In Eastern cultures humility and respect are more important than confidence.

Advertising

These perspectives are generalizations, but it shows how the confidence debate goes back deep into our culture. I think that both extremes of pure confidence or pure humility are misguided. Instead of rectifying this situation by simply blending the two: becoming somewhat humble, somewhat confident all the time, I believe the answer is to know when to be confident and when to be humble.

Humble Confidence – Know When to Use It

I’m going to make another broad generalization. I believe that virtually every relationship you are going to have is going to fit into one of two major archetypes, either master or student. In peer relationships this master/student role may switch frequently, but it is extremely rare that the relationship never leans to one side.

In the master role, you are displaying confidence to get what you want. This is public speaker, leader or seducer. Being the master has advantages. You have more control and ability to influence from this role.

The student role is the opposite. You are intentionally displaying humility. This is the student, disciple or follower. Being the student has advantages too. You can learn a lot more in this role and are more likely to win the trust of the other person.

Advertising

Know When to Shut Up and Learn

If you are a typical Westerner, you are probably already thinking about which role you prefer. Being the leader is great. You get respect and a higher status. Most of all you get a greater degree of control.

But the problem is that you can’t and shouldn’t always try to be the leader. Trying to assume that role without the skills, resources or status to back it up will lead to conflict. More importantly, there are many times when you purposely want to display humility. Some of the benefits to the student role include:

  • You learn more.
  • Smooths relationships.
  • Makes others more willing to lend a helping hand.

Knowing when taking the humble route is to your advantage. It is far easier to get mentors and advisors if you use humility rather than arrogance. A small sacrifice to your ego can open up the potential to learn a lot.

Confidence to Persuade, Humility to Learn

In reality almost no relationship is as clearly defined as master/student. Within our connections, people have overlapping areas of expertise. I might be an expert in blogging to a non-blogger, but they might be an expert in finance. In each area there are different roles to take.

Advertising

Before any interaction ask yourself what the purpose is. Are you trying to learn or persuade?

Persuasion requires confidence. If you are trying to sell, instruct or lead you need to display the confidence to match your message. But learning requires humility. You won’t learn anything if you are constantly arguing with your professors, mentors or employers. Taking a dose of humility and temporarily making yourself a student gives you the opportunity to absorb.

Persuade Less, Learn More

Persuasion is great for immediate effect, but learning matters over the long-haul. Instead of washing over all your communication with pure confidence, look for opportunities to learn. Persuading someone to follow you may give you an immediate boost of satisfaction, but it doesn’t last. Learning, however, is an investment for the future.

Whenever I make a connection with someone and realize they have a skill or understanding I want, I am careful to express humility in that area. That means listening with what they say even if I don’t immediately agree and being patient with their response. This method often drastically cuts down the time I need to spend on trial and error to learn by myself.

Advertising

Confidence/Humility Doesn’t Replace Communication Skills

This approach of selectively using confidence and humility for different purposes doesn’t replace communication skills. Humility isn’t going to work if the other person thinks you’re an irritating whiner. Confidence won’t work if the entire room thinks you are an arrogant jerk. Knowing how to display these two qualities takes practice.

The next time you are about to enter into an interaction ask yourself why you are doing it. Are you trying to persuade or learn? Depending on which you can take a completely different tact for far better results.

Featured photo credit: BBH Singapore via unsplash.com

Read Next