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Admit It, The Way We Learn To Fall In Love Is Wrong

Admit It, The Way We Learn To Fall In Love Is Wrong

A common love scene of romance movies is: the man feels attracted by a pretty woman somewhere (in a restaurant or a party). Then he approaches her and very quickly they become a couple.

You think this is silly? It does happen in real life, a lot.

Admit it, the way we learn to fall in love is wrong.

As no one taught us how to fall in love, neither schools or parents, romance movies become the main sources. We find it normal to love at first sight or fall in love without knowing the person so much.

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But like numbers or vocabulary, we really need to learn it – to learn how to fall in love. If we master the fundamentals rules earlier there wouldn’t be so many failed relationships.

You might have experienced that already. You fell in love happily. Everything seems to be exciting. You do a lot of new things together. Then very soon something seems to be missing. You aren’t sure what that is but you just feel that you aren’t really fulfilled.

It is because you start the relationship without doing these two things:

Spending quality time together

It doesn’t mean you have to stick to each other all the time for a long period of time before you get together. It means you should really observe the person and see if you two really suit each other.

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Does he/she treat servers badly in restaurants? How do they treat their families? Does he/she takes care of you or just focus on himself/herself all the time?

From all these small acts you can tell a lot. Always remember that you shouldn’t just pay attention to how they treat you, but also how they treat other people.

If you look for someone who would take great care of your feelings, can he/she do that?

Asking meaningful questions

Don’t just ask shallow questions like “what’s your favorite food?”. These questions are fine but remember you have a lot more important questions to ask as well.

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For example, ask “what’s a perfect vacation to you?”. This seems to be a shallow question? No. This somehow reveals one’s core values.

If one suggests living in a hostel to meet the local people whereas the other prefers staying at a five-star hotel with perfect privacy, arguments may arise. This kind of discrepancy can cause conflicts in future too as you two just value different things in your lives.

Ask more in-depth questions that can tell more about one’s character and values. More examples are:

What’s your biggest regret in life?

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If you can go back in time, which age would you choose?

What’s the best kind of retired life to you?

Only when you truly know a person can you truly fall in love with him/her, and have a long-lasting relationship.

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Brandy Chan

Music Lover. Movie Lover. Traveller.

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The Gentle Art of Saying No

The Gentle Art of Saying No

No!

It’s a simple fact that you can never be productive if you take on too many commitments — you simply spread yourself too thin and will not be able to get anything done, at least not well or on time.

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But requests for your time are coming in all the time — through phone, email, IM or in person. To stay productive, and minimize stress, you have to learn the Gentle Art of Saying No — an art that many people have problems with.

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What’s so hard about saying no? Well, to start with, it can hurt, anger or disappoint the person you’re saying “no” to, and that’s not usually a fun task. Second, if you hope to work with that person in the future, you’ll want to continue to have a good relationship with that person, and saying “no” in the wrong way can jeopardize that.

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But it doesn’t have to be difficult or hard on your relationship. Here are the Top 10 tips for learning the Gentle Art of Saying No:

  1. Value your time. Know your commitments, and how valuable your precious time is. Then, when someone asks you to dedicate some of your time to a new commitment, you’ll know that you simply cannot do it. And tell them that: “I just can’t right now … my plate is overloaded as it is.”
  2. Know your priorities. Even if you do have some extra time (which for many of us is rare), is this new commitment really the way you want to spend that time? For myself, I know that more commitments means less time with my wife and kids, who are more important to me than anything.
  3. Practice saying no. Practice makes perfect. Saying “no” as often as you can is a great way to get better at it and more comfortable with saying the word. And sometimes, repeating the word is the only way to get a message through to extremely persistent people. When they keep insisting, just keep saying no. Eventually, they’ll get the message.
  4. Don’t apologize. A common way to start out is “I’m sorry but …” as people think that it sounds more polite. While politeness is important, apologizing just makes it sound weaker. You need to be firm, and unapologetic about guarding your time.
  5. Stop being nice. Again, it’s important to be polite, but being nice by saying yes all the time only hurts you. When you make it easy for people to grab your time (or money), they will continue to do it. But if you erect a wall, they will look for easier targets. Show them that your time is well guarded by being firm and turning down as many requests (that are not on your top priority list) as possible.
  6. Say no to your boss. Sometimes we feel that we have to say yes to our boss — they’re our boss, right? And if we say “no” then we look like we can’t handle the work — at least, that’s the common reasoning. But in fact, it’s the opposite — explain to your boss that by taking on too many commitments, you are weakening your productivity and jeopardizing your existing commitments. If your boss insists that you take on the project, go over your project or task list and ask him/her to re-prioritize, explaining that there’s only so much you can take on at one time.
  7. Pre-empting. It’s often much easier to pre-empt requests than to say “no” to them after the request has been made. If you know that requests are likely to be made, perhaps in a meeting, just say to everyone as soon as you come into the meeting, “Look guys, just to let you know, my week is booked full with some urgent projects and I won’t be able to take on any new requests.”
  8. Get back to you. Instead of providing an answer then and there, it’s often better to tell the person you’ll give their request some thought and get back to them. This will allow you to give it some consideration, and check your commitments and priorities. Then, if you can’t take on the request, simply tell them: “After giving this some thought, and checking my commitments, I won’t be able to accommodate the request at this time.” At least you gave it some consideration.
  9. Maybe later. If this is an option that you’d like to keep open, instead of just shutting the door on the person, it’s often better to just say, “This sounds like an interesting opportunity, but I just don’t have the time at the moment. Perhaps you could check back with me in [give a time frame].” Next time, when they check back with you, you might have some free time on your hands.
  10. It’s not you, it’s me. This classic dating rejection can work in other situations. Don’t be insincere about it, though. Often the person or project is a good one, but it’s just not right for you, at least not at this time. Simply say so — you can compliment the idea, the project, the person, the organization … but say that it’s not the right fit, or it’s not what you’re looking for at this time. Only say this if it’s true — people can sense insincerity.

Featured photo credit: Pexels via pexels.com

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