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Attractiveness Isn’t About Appearance. It’s About How You Express Your Emotions

Attractiveness Isn’t About Appearance. It’s About How You Express Your Emotions

When we talk about attractiveness, we think of appearance, which is something we can’t control much. Or we would think of character for a second. But researches have found another hidden factor that is key to determine one’s attractiveness.

In one study[1], participants were asked to watch video clips of women who expressed emotions differently. Then they were asked who they found more attractive. It turned out that if they understood the woman’s emotions better, they found them more attractive. Such finding is quite surprising that usually people would consider cool and mysterious people as more attractive. Instead, the more you express your emotions, and the easier your emotions are to be read, the more attractive you become.

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This experiment was done by Silke Anders, a professor of Social and Affective Neuroscience at the University of Lübeck in Germany. Apart from asking them who were more attractive, the researchers also measured their brain activity. And there was indeed increased activity in the area of the brain which is responsible for processing how attractive one person is, when they were certain about the emotions of the women.

Another study[2] got similar results. This time instead of video clips volunteers were asked to observe photos of six different men and women, who show emotions at different extent. It turned out those who didn’t express much emotions were the least attractive ones.

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    So…how to be more expressive?

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    Common language

    Try to use some common language with the person you’re talking to. For example, if he always uses the word “Oh my…”, try to use it sometimes too (not too often though) to express your surprising feelings. The person would have a stronger understanding of how you feel as you speak a common language.

    Smile

    Whenever you don’t know how to show your expression, just smile. It can show your friendliness and people would know you’re approachable even if you’re not very expressive.

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    Hand gestures

    Don’t overlook the power of your hands. Remember when people argue they often do it with their hands? Remember how charismatic leaders persuade with their hands? Your hands tell a lot. Anger, resentment, nervousness, excitement, etc. Always free up your hands and let them dance in the air. People will get what you mean much better.

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    Shikha Prasoon

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    Published on November 2, 2020

    How to Use Your Unconscious Mind to Get What You Want

    How to Use Your Unconscious Mind to Get What You Want

    I get my best ideas when I’m not trying—when I’m zoning out in the shower or taking my dog for a walk. Suddenly, something I’ve been racking my brain to figure out seems to just come to me. It may seem like magic, but it’s actually just my unconscious mind coming through for the win.

    What Is Conscious Thought?

    Let’s start by explaining what the unconscious mind is not. I want you to think about what your dream house would look like if money were no object. Then, think about where you were the first time you can remember feeling joy.

    That voice in your head that was talking you through those two tasks is your conscious mind. Simply put, any thought process that you are aware of (conscious of) is part of your conscious mind. I’m using my conscious mind as I sit here and write this article.

    One of the major brain centers for conscious thought is in your prefrontal cortex. This is on the outside of your brain behind your forehead. Some of the downsides of conscious thought are that it’s energetically taxing and finite. What I mean is, your conscious mind can only think one thing at a time, and it burns through a lot of glucose to do so.

    Try to figure out the square root of 2400 while creating a grocery list. You can skip back and forth between those two tasks, but your conscious mind can’t wrestle with both simultaneously.

    Also, think of a time when you were utilizing your conscious mind for an extended period. Maybe you were in classes all day or busy with a tough work task late into the night. You were probably exhausted after such intensive and extended conscious thought.

    What Is the Unconscious Mind?

    That’s why the unconscious mind is such a valuable resource. It isn’t energy taxing, and it is virtually limitless. Your unconscious mind could be trying to figure out thousands of problems right now.

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    The downside is that you aren’t conscious of any of it until you are—until your unconscious thoughts make it into your consciousness.

    That’s why it behooves us to figure out how to create the right environment for our unconscious minds to flourish.

    System 1 and System 2 Thinking

    Daniel Kahneman’s seminal book Thinking, Fast and Slow gives us another way to think about the difference between the unconscious and conscious minds. Kahneman describes two different modes of thought called System 1 and System 2.

    System 1 is quick, emotional, and intuitive, while System 2 is slow, methodical, and logical. System 1 works in tandem with System 2.

    For example, if you see someone looking at you, your System 1 might assume they are upset with you. Then, your System 2 takes over to process information and discern what might actually be going on at that moment.

    Kahneman warns us that System 1 and System 2 are metaphors for how the mind works.[1] It would be an oversimplification to try to explain specific regions where System 1 and System 2 thinking takes place. However, System 1 and 2 is a powerful way of thinking about different modes of thinking. Kahneman calls System 1 automatic thinking and System 2 effortful.

    The idea of focus is key here. In a famous experiment, participants were told to watch a video and count how many times people in the video passed a ball to each other. This required their System 2 thinking. However, the intense focus required for this experiment caused most people to miss the fact that while the people in the video were passing the ball, a person in a gorilla suit slowly made his way through the shot.

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    How to Make Your Unconscious Mind Work For You

    Focusing too intensely can cause us to miss details and solutions better suited to our unconscious mind. That’s why we sometimes have to stop and chill out, instead of forcing solutions.

    Here are five ways to make your unconscious mind work for you.

    1. Manage Stress

    Your unconscious mind is not a big fan of you being stressed out, overworked, or overwhelmed. Managing stress is important if you want to be able to come up with those effortless “aha!” ideas.

    Imagine that you’re under a strict work deadline. Your anxiety is compounded by the fact that you’re worried about losing your job and that your entire family relies on your income. This is an incredible amount of pressure that makes it tough for your unconscious mind to break through with that effortless creativity.

    Think back to the video where the person in the gorilla suit sneaks through all the people passing the ball around. Most people are so focused on the task at hand that they don’t see the most interesting part of the video. Stress and pressure can lead to a kind of tunnel vision that works the same way. Our attention becomes so narrowly focused that we aren’t able to zoom out and connect the dots between broader patterns and ideas.

    That’s why it’s crucial to find ways to manage stress. I recently spoke with humor engineer Drew Tarvin who explained the 4 R’s of managing stress.[2]

    First, try to reduce stress by eliminating stressors from your life. This might mean finding a less stressful job or leaving earlier for work.

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    Next, reframe the stresses that you can’t eliminate. Reframing isn’t pretending that your stress doesn’t exist; it’s trying to think differently and change your perspective about stressors that do exist. This might mean looking at the bright side or trying to see the bigger picture. If I don’t want to quit my stressful job, I can try to reframe by thinking more about the money I make or the times I feel fulfilled at work.

    The third step is to relieve stress. This means finding ways to relax throughout the day. You might try meditating or watching funny cat videos on YouTube to clear your head and relieve your stress.

    Finally, refresh. Find ways to take more extensive breaks where you completely de-stress. Pre-COVID, this might have meant taking a vacation to a beach somewhere. But now, you’ll have to get more creative as you find ways to put your phone down, forget about work, and come back completely refreshed.

    2. Take Breaks

    Part of stress management is taking breaks. But taking breaks is also an important part of tapping into your unconscious mind.

    When I’m trying to figure out how to structure an article or put together ideas for a larger project, I schedule in time to completely put the project down. This allows my unconscious mind the freedom to come up with some truly novel solutions, and unlike conscious thought, it feels effortless.

    This is that experience of the light bulb suddenly going on while you’re showering or driving to work. When you aren’t focused on anything in particular, your unconscious mind has the quiet it needs to bubble up to become conscious thought.

    So, take breaks. One strategy is what’s called the Pomodoro Technique, which is when you stop to take a five-minute break after every 25 minutes of work. This allows you to recharge. Plus, by systematically easing your intense focus, you are giving your unconscious mind opportunities to come up with some truly novel ideas.

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    3. Get Creative

    The unconscious mind is great at effortlessly seeing patterns and finding interesting solutions, but for this to happen, it needs some inspiration. That means creating and consuming as much creativity as you can.

    Pick up an artistic or creative hobby. Paint, write, build, or dance. It’s also helpful to consume creativity. Go to museums, read poetry, and walk in nature. Taking in creativity with your conscious mind will give your unconscious mind all the inspiration it needs to be able to do its thing.

    4. Don’t Force It

    The most crucial takeaway about the unconscious mind is that you can’t force it. You can struggle and strain all you want when you’re using your conscious mind, but the unconscious mind can only bubble to the surface when you aren’t trying so hard.

    Think back to that phenomenon of having an aha moment while you’re showering or walking your dog. The unconscious mind is better able to break through when you aren’t focused so intensely on whatever it is you’re trying to solve.

    So, relax and give yourself some time and space. That’s when your unconscious mind is most likely to breakthrough.

    5. Play

    Finally, don’t forget about the power of play. Play is inherently fun, and a playful mode of thinking allows your unconscious mind more of a chance to innovate. If you turn your task into a game, you’ll be more relaxed, have more fun, and collaborate better with your colleagues. That means you’ll be more likely to riff and get to a more creative “unconscious mind” solution.

    You can also add play throughout your day to tap into this freer, less constrained kind of thinking. Turn your commute into a game, play hide and seek with your children, or join a local bowling league. This will help you get reacquainted with your childlike sense of joy, wonder, and curiosity—all key ingredients to nurturing and fostering your unconscious mind.

    Final Thoughts

    Dealing with and utilizing your unconscious mind is very different from doing so with your conscious mind. Tapping your unconscious mind is a technique that, when done right, can help you get what you want by untapping your potential.

    Featured photo credit: Katerina Jerabkova via unsplash.com

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