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If You Want Your Kids To Be Successful, Don’t Protect Them In This Way

If You Want Your Kids To Be Successful, Don’t Protect Them In This Way

Have you ever let your kid win at a game, just because you were afraid of hurting their feelings? As parents, we’re probably all guilty at some point of sheltering our children from the pain of losing by letting them beat us at something, but by doing so we’re holding them back.[1]

Stop letting your kid win all the time. Here’s how you can prepare them to face competition once they enter the real world.

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Play At Their Level

Kids can tell if you’re throwing the game. If they see you’re losing on purpose, they might see that as you having given up on them, and that sense of failure can creep up on them later in life. When competing with your child, don’t go all out as if you were playing against an adult, but rather compete at the same level that they’re on.

Let Them Lose

Nobody likes to lose, even adults. Losing to your child intentionally, however, is probably doing them more harm than good. Our job is to prepare them for the real world, where they need to be prepared to face failure and deal with it. A study done at Amhurst College[2] shows that children who experience “illusory” success are less able to form and process their own judgements about their performance. Likewise, they are more likely to ignore feedback.

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Talk About It

Part of life is reflecting on what you did, and trying better next time. It’s natural to feel frustrated or angry if you fail at something. When your child loses, let them express their emotions in a private place, and ensure them that it’s OK to feel the way they do. Remind them that there is always next time.

Encourage Them To Reflect On Their Performance

Sometimes, not all the answers in life come easy. It takes trial and error to figure out how to get better, and we often learn more from the journey than from the end result or goal. If your child fails at something, instead of telling them what they need to do, ask them what they think they could do to improve. If the solutions come from them, they are more meaningful.

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Focus On Effort

Remind your kid that no matter what the outcome will be, they should always give their best effort. All kind of situations in life will require resilience and perseverance to get through, and winning will sometimes be a gray area. Learning to try their best will teach your child to recover easily from disappointment.

If They Win, Teach Them To Be a Gracious Winner

Allowing your kid to gloat and make others feel bad when they win is equally detrimental. Winning feels great, but you should make sure your child is conscious of how the loser feels. Good sportsmanship goes a long way. Teach them to respect their competitor’s feelings, and to be modest and humble about their success. These social skills will be important throughout other areas of their life.

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Celebrate Legitimate Victories

When kids win, or if they’ve improved on something after reflecting and working hard to get there, let them know what a great job they’ve done. When you celebrate wins where they’ve really accomplished something, they’ll distinguish between what it took to go from losing to winning, and understand that winning shouldn’t always come easy.

As painful as it can be for them, you need to let your kid lose once in a while. By letting them fail, you’re setting them up for success later on.

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Megan Machucho

Freelance Blogger and Copywriter

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Published on January 30, 2019

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

In roughly 60 percent of two-parent households with children under the age of 18, both parents work full time. But who takes time off work when the kids are sick in your house? And if you are a manager, how do you react when a man says he needs time to take his baby to the pediatrician?

The sad truth is, the default in many companies and families is to value the man’s work over the woman’s—even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations or compensation. This translates into stereotypes in the workplace that women are the primary caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s success on the job and their upward mobility.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time-use data (1965–2011), fathers in dual-income couples devote significantly less time than mothers do to child care.[1] Dads are doing more than twice as much housework as they used to (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours), but there is still a significant imbalance.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. In many offices, it is still taboo for dads to openly express that they have family obligations that need their attention. In contrast, the assumption that moms will be on the front lines of any family crisis is one that runs deep.

Consider an example from my company. A few years back, one of our team members joined us for an off-site meeting soon after returning from maternity leave. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called to say that the baby had been crying nonstop. While there was little our colleague could practically do to help with the situation, this call was clearly unsettling, and the result was that her attention was divided for the rest of an important business dinner.

This was her first night away since the baby’s birth, and I know that her spouse had already been on several business trips before this event. Yet, I doubt she called him during his conferences to ask child-care questions. Like so many moms everywhere, she was expected to figure things out on her own.

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The numbers show that this story is far from the exception. In another Pew survey, 47 percent of dual-income parents agreed that the moms take on more of the work when a child gets sick.[2] In addition, 39 percent of working mothers said they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to just 24 percent of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27 percent to 10 percent) to say they had quit their job at some point for family reasons.

Before any amazing stay-at-home-dads post an angry rebuttal comment, I want to be very clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their personal and professional responsibilities; that’s 100 percent their prerogative. Rather, I am taking aim at the culture of inequity that persists even when spouses have similar or identical professional responsibilities. This is an important issue for all of us because we are leaving untapped business and human potential on the table.

What’s more, I think my fellow men can do a lot about this. For those out there who still privately think that being a good dad just means helping out mom, it’s time to man up. Stop expecting working partners—who have similar professional responsibilities—to bear the majority of the child-care responsibilities as well.

Consider these ways to support your working spouse:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter.

Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach him or her. Have a back-up plan for transportation and emergency coverage.

Don’t simply expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.

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As in other areas of life, the way to build confidence is to learn by doing. Moms aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff any more than dads are.

2. Treat your partner the way you’d want to be treated.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call something to the effect of, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?”

However, when the tables are turned, men often make that same call at the first sign of trouble.

Distractions like this make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed.

When you’re in charge of the kids, do what she would do: Figure it out.

3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability.

This implies that the children are her first priority and your second.

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I admit I have been guilty in the past of telling clients, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move.” What I should have said was, “I’m taking care of my kids today.”

Why is it so hard for men to admit they have personal responsibilities? Remember that you are setting an example for your sons and daughters, and do the right thing.

4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise at home.

No one likes or wants disruptions, but life happens, and everyone will face a day when the troubling phone call comes from his sitter, her school nurse, or even elderly parents.

Accommodating personal needs is not a sign of weakness as a leader. Employees will be more likely to do great work if they know that you care about their personal obligations and family—and show them that you care about your own.

5. Don’t keep score or track time.

At home, it’s juvenile to get into debates about who last changed a diaper or did the dishes; everyone needs to contribute, but the big picture is what matters. Is everyone healthy and getting enough sleep? Are you enjoying each other’s company?

In business, too, avoid the trap of punching a clock. The focus should be on outcomes and performance rather than effort and inputs. That’s the way to maintain momentum toward overall goals.

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The Bottom Line

To be clear, I recognize that a great many working dads are doing a terrific job both on the home front and in their professional lives. My concern is that these standouts often aren’t visible to their colleagues; they intentionally or inadvertently let their work as parents fly under the radar. Dads need to be open and honest about family responsibilities to change perceptions in the workplace.

The question “How do you balance it all?” should not be something that’s just asked of women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough.

But it’s something that more parents should be doing together, as a team. This can be a real bonus for the couple relationship as well, because nothing gets in the way of good partnership faster than feelings of inequity.

On the plus side, I can tell you that parenting skills really do get better with practice—and that’s great for people of both sexes. I think our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve. Expanding these definitions will open the doors to richer contributions from everyone, because women can and should be both—and so should men.

Featured photo credit: NeONBRAND via unsplash.com

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