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How to Love Yourself More

How to Love Yourself More

I never thought I didn’t love myself.

If someone had asked me if I loved myself, I’m confident that my 20-something self would have said, “Yes.” The truth is, in subtle ways I neglected to honor my needs, my voice, my expression, my feelings…my being. This showed up in many ways. I worried about what other people needed and forgot what I needed. “What do you need?” was never a question I asked myself. I’d say “yes” when I really needed to say “no.” I’d allow people to dump their feelings on me in service of being a good listener. When I walked away from the conversation, I felt drained and emotionally beaten up. I avoided sharing my feelings or point of view to keep the peace.

How could you love yourself more?

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Does the question, even the phrase self-love, spark the word “selfish” in your mind? Many of us are taught to put others first. This is a beautiful teaching and intention, but sometimes we take that so far that we forget the most important person in our lives is ourselves. When I became burned out from my career, my relationship, and the pace of my life, I knew that it was time to shift my focus from others back towards myself. What I didn’t expect was that this shift would lead me to embark on the most important and challenging path of self-love.

How To Start Loving Yourself

Learning to love yourself is a life path, not a quick fix.

I still sometimes say “yes” when I should say “no.” I can forget to ask myself “what do you need” when I’m trying to resolve a challenge with another person. What’s changed is that now self-love is a top priority in my life, it’s no longer a yucky word that feels “selfish.” With time I have developed a strong foundation of habits and attitudes that easily bring me back to self-love when I fall into old patterns. The tips below can form a foundation for your own self-love. While you won’t experience it in an instant, with regular practice you will start to pave a lasting path to return to when you get lost.

Become familiar with your inner voice.

We all have that inner voice of wisdom deep inside of us. Somewhere between college and adulthood, I lost my connection to my inner voice and had to regain it. I started by thinking less and listening more to myself. This is an important difference. Overthinking blocks you from hearing your inner wisdom. To start listening more, take out a notebook and pen. Reflect on a challenging situation and then ask yourself one of the following questions: “What do I need?”, “What do I feel?”, and “What do I want?”

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Write whatever you hear that comes back. Pretend you are in conversation with another person, listening. Write exactly what you hear. Do not analyze it, just trust everything and write it all down. If writing isn’t your thing, audio record yourself with your phone or computer. Make this a weekly practice to start “tuning in” to your inner voice.

Do more of what your gut says.

For one whole day, only do what you feel moved to do. For example, take a nap when you feel like you need one. Feel like grabbing dinner with a friend and seeing a movie? Make reservations and buy your tickets. Feel like you want to jump in rain puddles? Jump away. Only do what you feel like doing for one whole entire day and then commit to doing more of what you feel. A common obstacle to self-love is over-regulation of our desires in service of a long list of “shoulds” in our mind.

This can cut us off from fun, play, and lightness in our life as we put goals, achievements, and other people’s desires over our own. When done mindfully, this practice can start to honor your needs in small ways. When we honor our own needs, we feel more content and ultimately, more loved.

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Practice free expression.

Find any way to start expressing yourself more openly. I find that free expression is one of the greatest blocks to self-love. Whether it is dancing, painting, craft-making, writing, or building, give yourself permission to express what you want. Commit to free expression without judgement. For example, if you choose to paint, do it for the pure joy of expressing what you are inspired to paint and leave out questions about whether it is “good.” Ready to share more vulnerably with a friend? Leave your fearful filtering system behind. Practice free expression without judgement, analysis, or a need to understand. Free expression creates a safe sacred space to truly honor yourself.

Love yourself like you love others.

What if you gave the amount of care, respect, and dignity you give to someone you love to yourself? Don’t you deserve that kind of love? One way you can do this is by flipping the script. Ask yourself what you would want for your partner, best friend, or loved one when you’re facing a decision, taking a day off from work, or preparing for a meeting. What would you hope for them in both important and ordinary moments? What advice would you give them?

Take these hopes and advice and flip them for yourself. Would you tell your best friend to take a mental health day and go for a hike? Get your shoes ready! Would you tell your partner to advocate for the salary increase they deserve? Prepare your pitch and get ready to grow!

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Treat yourself with tenderness.

Every time your inner critic comes out, be gentle with it. Imagine your inner critic voice as the seven-year-old part of yourself that feels scared, wants to be seen, and matter. When our inner critic comes up through judgement, “should stories,” and self-blame, we are struggling to feel loved and struggling to know we are loveable in that moment.

I like to imagine a young version of myself delivering the message of my inner critic when this happens. When I see the young girl in my critic’s voice, I soften inside, see clearly, and forgive myself, knowing I simply want to be reconnected to love in that moment. Treat your inner critic like a parent would treat their only child. Love it, forgive it, and understand why it is scared. This sparks self-compassion and opens you up to feeling self-love.

More by this author

Marci Moberg

Mindfulness and Transformation Expert

How to Love Yourself More How To Create New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Keep

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Last Updated on January 21, 2020

5 Proven Memorization Techniques to Make the Most of Your Memory

5 Proven Memorization Techniques to Make the Most of Your Memory

Do you forget stuff every now and then? Are you trying to enhance your memory but not sure how?

All you need is the right memorization techniques to make the most of your memory.

The human brain is fascinating. More specifically, the vast interconnections within our mind. Mendel Kaelen compares the human brain to a hill covered in snow,

“Think of the brain as a hill covered in snow, and thoughts as sleds gliding down that hill. As one sled after another goes down the hill a small number of main trails will appear in the snow. And every time a new sled goes down, it will be drawn into preexisting trails, almost like a magnet. In time it becomes more and more difficulty to glide down the hill on any other path or in a different direction.”

The intent of Kaelen’s discussion is to think of new ways to temporarily flatten the snow. Kaelen remarked,

“The deeply worn trails disappear, and suddenly the sled can go in other directions, exploring new landscapes and, literally, creating new pathways.”

The idea here is to temporarily rewire your brain, or as Michael Pollan remarked in How to Change Your Mind,

“The power to shake the snow globe, disrupting unhealthy patterns of thought and creating a space of flexibility-entropy-in which more salubrious patterns and narratives have an opportunity to coalesce as the snow slowly settles.”

So, how can we rewire our brain allowing deeply worn connections to disappear and new connections to form? The answer is quite simple. We must change the way we store information in our mind.

    Let’s examine 5 specific memorization techniques that will change the way you think and remember information.

    1. Build a Memory Palace

      What is it?

      The method of loci[1] (aka memory palace) is a method of memory enhancement using visualizations with the use of spatial memory. It uses familiar information about your environment to quickly recall information. It is a method that was discussed by Cicero in an ancient dialogue called De Oratore.

      How to use it?

      Ron White discusses in How to Memorize Fast and Easily: Build a Memory Palace, that it’s essentially a room or building that you have memorized and you use locations in the room to store data. Ron informs us,

      “You memorize locations in a room and then you later go back to those locations to retrieve the data that you want to remember.”

      Example

      An easy 5-step example, in the form of a Wiki, can be found at Artofmemory.com. Let’s examine the the steps:

      • Step 1. Choose a place that you know well. For example, your house or office.
      • Step 2. Plan the route and pick specific locations in your route. For example, your front door, bathroom kitchen, etc.
      • Step 3. Decide what you want to memorize. For example, geography, list of items, answers for a test, etc.
      • Step 4. Place one or two items, with a mental image, and place them in your memory palace. Exaggerate your images. For example, use nudity or crazy images forcing it to stick in your mind.
      • Step 5. Make the image into a mnemonic.

      You can learn more about this technique here: How to Build a Memory Palace to Remember More of Everything

      2. Mnemonic

        What is it?

        A mnemonic is a memory device that aids in retention and/or retrieval of information. Mnemonic systems are techniques consciously used to improve memory by helping us use information already stored in long-term memory to make memorization easier.[2]

        How to use it?

        Mnemonics make use of retrieval cues to encode information in our brain allowing for efficient storage and retrieval of the information. The trick is to learn how to easily create mnemonics. If you find that you struggle with creating your own, try the following website: Mnemonic Generator.

        Example

        I recently came across a video using mnemonics to memorize countries. Memorizing Countries using Mnemonics is a video created as an introduction to a class for using memory techniques to learn the names of countries on maps.

        I actively search for videos that provide enormous educational value, yet receive very little exposure. At the time of this writing, this video has received less than 4k views. Let’s examine the video.

        Goal: Create a mnemonic to memorize the countries in the Caribbean (just the countries you need to learn).

        Step 1. Looking at a map – write out each country (for which five were chosen).

        Cuba, Jamaica, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico.

        Step 2. Write the first letter of each country vertically.

        C

        J

        H

        D

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        P

        Step 3. Create a sentence or phrase.

        Cubs

        Just

        Hate

        Doing

        Push-ups

        Cubs just hate doing push-ups. (Cuba Jamaica Haiti Dominican Republic Puerto Rico)

        3. Mnemonic Peg System

          What is it?

          According to Artofmemory.com, a mnemonic peg system is a technique for memorizing lists and it works by memorizing a list of words that are easy to associate with the numbers they represent.[3] These objects are the pegs of the system.

          How to use it?

          The trick is to create a Number Rhyme System with each number having a rhyming mnemonic keyword.

          Example

          Let’s look at an example of a Number Rhyme System:[4]

          0 = hero

          1 = gun

          2 = shoe

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          3 = tree

          4 = door

          5 = hive

          6 = sticks

          7 = heaven

          8 = gate

          9 = line

          Another technique like the Peg system is the Number Shape System.[5] Here you are assigning mnemonic images based on the shape of the number. Watch the following video for an example of this system: Number Shape System for Memorizing Numbers.

          4. Chunking

            What is it?

            Chunking is a way to remember large bits of information by chunking them into smaller pieces of information. We are more likely to then remember the information when we put the small pieces back together to see the entire picture.

            How to use it?

            In the video Chunking – A Learning Technique, we can see that there are several ways to chunk information.

            Example

            Let’s examine a simple example using a nine-digit number.

            Step 1. What is the number you are trying to remember?

            081127882

            Step 2. Cut the number into smaller pieces through chunking.

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            081 – 127 – 882

            Let’s look at one more example from the same video.

            “Piano teachers will first demonstrate an entire song to students. They will then ask their students to practice one measure at a time. Once the part has been learned and the neural connections in the brain have been built, then students go on to the next measure. After all chunks have been played separately, they are combined until the entire piece is connected.”

            5. Transfer of Learning

              What is it?

              Transfer of learning is a way to learn something in one area and apply it in another. Authors of Thinking at Every Desk, Derek and Laura Cabrera inform us about the transfer of learning,

              “If a student has a high transfer skills, she can learn one thing and then teach herself 10, 50, or 100 additional things.”

              How to use it?

              There are two specific ways to use it:

              1. Vertical Transfer (aka Far Transfer). Think of learning something in grade school and applying it another grade or later in life.
              2. Horizontal Transfer (aka Near Transfer). Think of learning a concept in history and applying it in math.

              Example

              I provide a detailed step-by-step example for this technique in this article:

              Learn How to Learn: How to Understand and Connect Difficult Ideas Easily

              The Bottom Line

              The key to using the techniques discussed here is to remember that we must actively think about information.

              We cannot simply drill information into our brain through rote memorization. We must change the way we think about memorization. We must find a way to “shake the snow-globe” in our mind or flatten the snow so that we can create new learning paths.

              Or as Derek and Laura Cabrera point out, we must insert “Thinking” into the equation,

              “Information X Thinking = Knowledge”

              More About Enhancing Memories

              Featured photo credit: Nong Vang via unsplash.com

              Reference

              [1] Remember Everything: Memory Palaces and the Method of Loci
              [2] The Learning Center Exchange: 9 Types of Mnemonics for Better Memory
              [3] Art of Memory: Mnemonic Peg System
              [4] Art of Memory: Number Rhyme System
              [5] Art of Memory: Number Shape System

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