Advertising
Advertising

Realizng These 5 Things Can Help You Find The One More Easily

Realizng These 5 Things Can Help You Find The One More Easily

Lamenting our single status is easy when we’re surrounded by people in love and constant reminders that we haven’t found that perfect person yet. It can lead to a spiral of overthinking, believing there must be something wrong with us or (ridiculously) that we’re just plain unlovable.

While getting in this mindset from time to time is natural, there are some thought patterns and habits we can fall into that don’t serve us and actually may well be preventing us from letting that great lover gravitate into our lives.

Advertising

With that in mind, here are 5 realizations we need to make in order to get into the right mindset to meet the next love of our lives.

1. Stop Playing The Comparison Game

Comparison breeds misery. We need to understand that we’re all on our own unique journey and so comparing your single life to your best friend’s happy marriage won’t get you anywhere. Everyone has their own problems which aren’t always apparent on the surface so appreciating your single status without feeling that you’re being left behind or failing compared to others, is the only way to stay in a healthy and happy mindset.

Advertising

Appreciate that your single status gives you a chance to do what you want to do, when you want to do it. It’s giving you breathing space to grow and better yourself while feeling anticipation and excitement for the time when your amazing relationship will manifest into your life.

2. Stop Believing There’s Something Wrong With You

If you constantly lament your single status with the all-consuming question of “what the heck is wrong with me?!” then you are really stopping yourself from being in the right frame of mind to find that special someone.

Advertising

Do you really believe that everyone who’s found love has no insecurities, fears or flaws? Believing there’s something fundamentally wrong with you is what may be holding you back from love. Most of the time your flaws aren’t even real flaws only something you’ve created in your mind. You have to love yourself first before you can let the decent love of someone else in.

3. Find The People Who WANT You Not The People That NEED You

Depending on our mindset, we can attract the wrong kind of people. Be cognizant of people’s motives towards you. We can easily fall for people who are looking for someone to fill a void even if they don’t know it themselves. Beware of needy people and instead give attention to those who genuinely want you. Cutting out the needy ones will help you move forward to finding a genuine person who wants you for the right reasons and you’ll be in with more of a chance of a true, lasting relationship.

Advertising

4. Identify Those Who Love You Rather Than Those Who Just Chase You

The idea that people need to play hard to get to attract others is a massively flawed premise. Yes, it will create intrigue and an air of mystery that can entice the opposite sex but in reality, it doesn’t make for a lasting relationship. Acting aloof and almost ‘bitchy’ will only attract those who are in for the thrill of the chase rather than seeing you as a potential life partner. Instead, give a chance to the ones looking from the sidelines, the ones that admire you from afar and aren’t into playing games. They’re are the ones brimming with potential.

5. Your List of Ideals Won’t Necessarily Make A Great Soulmate

Writing down a list of ideal attributes is a great way to figure out what kind of future partner you want. After all, we all should have deal-breakers when it comes to certain traits. There is a problem with this, though; what is written down on paper isn’t necessarily going to make them a perfect partner in reality.

So instead of listing stuff such as height, eye color, job or their specific desire to travel, list out ways in which they can be a good partner to you; understanding, supportive, kind, spiritual – all the things that will help you both to grow in the relationship.

Conclusion

Remember, no matter what others tell you or you tell yourself, there is nothing wrong with being single. You aren’t failing and there’s definitely nothing wrong with you. Adopting a positive mindset is key to getting yourself in a good mindful place where you’ll attract, not just anyone, but the absolute right person for you.

More by this author

Jenny Marchal

A passionate writer who loves sharing about positive psychology.

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset How To Celebrate Small Wins To Achieve Big Goals How To Overcome Self Imposed Limitations For Goal Setting To Reach Your Goals, Start With Planning For The Worst Why Setting Intrinsic Goals Can Make You Happier

Trending in Communication

1 How to Improve Intimacy in Your Marriage and Rekindle the Passion 2 13 Simple Ways To Express Gratitude Daily 3 Why You Feel Lonely In Your Marriage And How To Deal With It 4 6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of 5 How To Spark A Positive Mood When Feeling Dull

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Published on April 7, 2021

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

Some of the most manipulative people are so good at what they do that their words and actions can convince you into thinking they truly care about what’s best for you when in reality, it’s quite the opposite. The most common signs of a controlling person are rarely obvious to outside observers. And for someone enmeshed in a controlling relationship or friendship, it can be incredibly challenging to stay away from this toxic person, even if you’re aware of their emotionally abusive tendencies.

While it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether to preserve or leave a lopsided, unfulfilling relationship, it’s nevertheless critical to understand the following six signs of controlling people so you can better advocate for yourself and mitigate the influence of their manipulative tendencies in your own life.

1. They Push Their Own Personal Agenda

Do you know someone who always tries to micromanage the words, behaviors, and attitudes of people around them? Does this person act like they have the right to know anything they want about you, including your location, what you’re doing in a given moment, who you’re talking to online, or any other private information about you? And when planning events and special occasions, does this person dominate conversations, steer plans in their own preferred directions, disparage others’ suggestions, and refuse to collaborate with anyone who might disagree with them?

If you answered “yes” to some of the above questions, then those are clear signs of a controlling person whom you absolutely need to be cautious around. Controlling people are reluctant to even consider alternative ideas, let alone enthusiastically work with people who have differing views. They prefer to be the captain of every ship—regardless of how much or how little an issue personally impacts them—and they have an arsenal of manipulative tactics to deploy if someone stands in the way of them achieving their own personal agendas.

In long-term relationships with controlling people, you may feel constantly pressured to meet their demands, follow their schedule, and focus on whatever they feel is most important. It’s not an exaggeration to say that these people act like the universe revolves around them, which can be exhausting to deal with for their family members, friends, and colleagues.

Advertising

2. They Make Everything Transactional

Controlling people aren’t always self-centered, but they’re not too empathetic either. Empathy for them tends to appear in the form of strategic concessions they use as a means to get what they want. They typically view interpersonal relationships as transactional opportunities to extract more value from people surrounding them, which can have a draining effect on those they interact with.

For example, one sign of a controlling person may be their insistence on “keeping score.” This can involve doing nice things for you with the ulterior motive of demanding something from you at a later date in exchange for what you thought was just an act of kindness or a friendly support.

Perhaps they shower you in praise (also known as “love-bombing”) or gifts then blow up at you if you don’t intuitively know they’re expecting something back from you. None of us are mind-readers, but controlling people behave as though everyone else should think and act like they want others to and those who fall out of line are punished for failing to meet their impossible expectations.

A controlling person may also threaten to withhold support if you don’t adhere to their demands, but they do so in such subtle ways that the guilt they impose blinds you from the unreasonable nature of their behaviors.

Some statements to be wary of include:

Advertising

  • “I did ___________ for you. What do you mean you can’t do ___________ for me?”
  • “Remember how I helped you with ___________? That took a lot of time and energy from me, but I guess you didn’t appreciate my help.”
  • “I always give you ___________. Don’t you care about my needs too?”
  • “You’re so selfish!” or “You don’t care about me at all!” (gaslighting if you respond with hesitation or politely decline their request for help for perfectly valid reasons, such as not having enough time or resources to assist them)

3. They Criticize Everything

One of the most common telltale signs of a controlling person is their capacity to criticize anything and everything, even small things that seemingly don’t matter. As with many toxic traits in relationships, these problems typically start out so small that you may not even notice. At first, you may even agree with their criticism or at least be able to understand their perspective when they bring up an issue.

However, the criticism tends to get more intense, more constant, and more perplexing for people who maintain relationships with controlling people. You’ll likely notice how they rarely seem to criticize something they do. It’s almost always other-oriented and these types of people are so manipulative that any rationale they offer can seem plausibly legitimate.

Some warning signs of a controlling person who’s overly critical to the point of abusiveness include:

  • Criticizing things about you that you have little to no control over (e.g., appearance, disability, family)
  • Criticizing your personal choices and interests, such as educational pursuits, career, clothing, favorite music, time spent on your hobbies, etc.
  • Punishing you for expressing vulnerability by invalidating thoughts and feelings you share with them
  • Attacking you whenever you express an opinion counter to theirs

4. They Balk When Someone Criticizes Them

We all know the adage, “what goes around, comes around.” But this statement doesn’t apply as much to toxic, controlling people. They’d much prefer to dish out criticism without ever having to take it in return.

For instance, if your friend constantly talks about your appearance with little regard for your emotions but flips out if you make just a single comment about their appearance, there’s a possibility that they could have some hidden controlling tendencies left unchecked. Remember, these people aren’t just controlling in their behaviors towards others. They’re also actively trying to stay in complete control over every aspect of their lives, which includes how others view them.

Advertising

This seemingly insatiable desire for control can prompt them to lash out against even the smallest bits of criticism, leaving people around them too weary or scared to speak up again in the future. While it’s possible they may suffer from something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, this does not excuse them from the consequences of their words and actions. They should seek professional help to better manage their reactions to criticism.

5. They Socially Isolate You

Not all controlling people do this, but for manipulative narcissists, socially isolating victims is a go-to strategy for maintaining control because it’s effective at preventing people from truly understanding how toxic their partner, family member, or friend is treating them. Think of it this way—if you don’t talk to many other people in your life, there’s less of a risk that you’ll damage their reputation by revealing their abusive tendencies.

Socially isolating others also gives the person more control over you and your life as it becomes more difficult to break away from them if you don’t have other healthier channels of communication and interpersonal support to turn to.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, nor is it something you can readily recognize as abusive. At first, it may seem reasonable, such as asking you to stop engaging so often with family members with whom both of you disagree on major social or political issues. As the social isolation progresses, they may suggest cutting people out of your life—especially if they don’t like that person, regardless of how you personally feel—or even conjure up high-stakes problems like “it’s me or them” under the guise of saving you from people in your life whom they don’t like for whatever reason.

In a controlling person’s life narrative, they’re always the protagonist who’s incapable of any wrongdoing. The blame is always redirected at someone else, whether that’s you or other people in your life. The more they isolate you from other supportive people in your life, the more susceptible you’ll be to falsely believing that they’re right and you “don’t need” your other friends and family when you have someone as perfect as this person.

Advertising

6. They’re Emotionally Abusive

It’s hard enough to be in control of your own emotions but when someone else is constantly belittling you and your interests or leveraging guilt and shame to manipulate you into saying or doing what they want, this can make it even more challenging to stay in control of your own life and emotional well-being.

Emotional abuse is another sign of a controlling person that is often overlooked in relationships. After all, human personalities vary widely in terms of passivity, and it’s not uncommon for one person in a relationship to be significantly more passive than the other. This becomes an issue when the controlling partner or friend exudes signs of emotional abuse, which can start subtly and become much more pronounced over time.

Concerning signs of emotionally abusive language or behavior to watch out for include:

  • Dismissing your needs and/or belittling your interests in counterproductive ways
  • Privately or publicly shaming or humiliating you
  • Making you feel as though you can never live up to their expectations or do anything right (according to their own vague, subjective standards)
  • Gaslighting you into thinking they said or did something that never actually happened (making you question your own reality)

Final Thoughts

It’s sometimes hard to see the negative things about someone with whom we have a relationship. We may sometimes unconsciously overlook the signs of a controlling person, especially if that person is someone we have known for a long time or are close to us. However, cutting them off your life is the best thing you can do for yourself. Just watch out for these six signs of a controlling person and take immediate action when you spot them.

More Tips on How To Deal With a Controlling Person

Featured photo credit: Külli Kittus via unsplash.com

Read Next