You want to lose weight, but maybe you can’t force yourself to start working out. You went to the gym once or twice, and just gave up. How many of you can relate to this? If you are one of those people, then you’ll love Charles Duhigg’s simple 3Rs rule for developing any good and healthy habit.
The first R is the reminder, and it stands for the event that acts as a kind of signal that triggers the habit. What is important here is to be as specific as possible when it comes to choosing the preceding event. For example, if you say “I’ll do yoga for 15 minutes when I get up,” it’s too general. A better solution would be to say “After I brush my teeth, I’ll do yoga.” Thus, putting down your toothbrush becomes the trigger.
The second R stands for the routine. So, every morning when you finish brushing your teeth, this triggers you to pull out your mat and do yoga. Even if you don’t feel like doing yoga, this simple event triggers you to do your routine action, in the same way that you get up every morning and go to the bathroom without thinking.
The last R is the reward you get upon completing the action. In this case, after your yoga session, you feel better, healthier, and more energized, knowing that you did something good for your body. Thus, you wish to repeat the action the next day when you get the reminder.
Whichever good habit you wish to reinforce, it’s crucial to select a very specific reminder that will trigger the action. In the beginning, stick to your routine without exceptions, and eventually you’ll perform the action without being aware. In that way, you’ll be able to achieve any goal.
Life can be tough sometimes, which is why we need to be tough sometimes, too. Learning how to be more assertive is a great way to tick off your tasks and go after your goals and dreams.
It’s not always easy being assertive, especially if you’re used to being a people-pleaser. You might fear that if you act assertively, you’ll be regarded as a demanding and unkind individual.
However, as I’ll show you in the next few minutes, you can be both assertive and kind-hearted. Most importantly, if you sincerely want to achieve your goals, then it’s essential that you call upon the power of assertiveness.
Having an assertive nature will help you overcome obstacles and reach your goals quicker than you may have imagined possible. Assertiveness is a core communication skill, one that allows you to stand up for your beliefs and to express yourself effectively.
Of course, there are other advantages to being assertive:
Earn other people’s respect
Boost your confidence and self-esteem
Create win-win situations
Gain more career satisfaction
Create open and honest relationships
At this point, you’re likely wondering what it takes to learn how to be more assertive. It will take some work on your part, but with a little effort, you can tackle this powerful skill.
1. Be Direct
The first suggestion I have for you is based on the classic “less is more” philosophy of effective communication.
When it comes to being direct, you shouldn’t make accusations or cause the other person to feel guilty or wrong. There’s no need for long-winded explanations, which can be misleading or confusing for the recipient. Offer a simple answer that doesn’t go too deep into unnecessary thoughts and feelings.
Instead, get straight to your point as soon as you can. For example, instead of making excuses for why you can’t help a coworker on a project, simply say, “I’m really busy right now, so I can’t help with this. But please ask me again next time!” It’s direct, as well as kind, which makes both parties happy.
Being direct will also help you avoid procrastinating when it comes to offering someone an answer. Instead of waiting to say no, you’ll learn how to offer the no immediately. If you find you struggle with procrastination in this area, check out Lifehack’s Fast-Track Class: No More Procrastination.
2. Stay Calm
Another key component of learning how to be more assertive is having the confidence to keep your emotions in check when you need to convey something to someone. This helps in avoiding conflict while various points of view are being discussed.
The trick is to detach your emotions from the situation and think logically. This will help make it easier to come across as in control, and it will inevitably gain a more respectful response from the other party.
3. Use “I” Statements
Make it a habit to use statements like “I feel ” or “I believe.” Avoid phrases like “you never” or “you always,” which put people on the defense immediately and can lead to poor communication and shutdowns.
“I” statements make you come off more confident and don’t make the other person feel as though you’re attacking them. In other words, state why you believe something rather than criticizing the other party’s viewpoint.
4. Say “No” More Often
There is a great way to practice assertive behavior, which only requires you to utter a 2-letter word: no.
By practicing saying no to things you cannot or don’t want to do, you’ll be exercising your assertiveness in a simple but effective way. You don’t need to feel that saying no is selfish; it’s simply a way to make sure you’re putting your energy toward things that matter to you.
5. Don’t Apologize
Many people have the tendency to begin every potentially assertive statement with an apology. For example, you may say something like, “Sorry to bother you, but could you…”
These come across as weak and passive — and certainly not assertive.
There’s a time and place for being apologetic (e.g., when you’ve accidentally knocked over someone’s drink), but when it comes to being assertive, don’t let an apologetic tone get in the way of what you want to say.
Studies have found that women are more likely to begin statements or requests with apologies. This is because they have a lower threshold than men for what they consider offensive. This means that women need to be more aware of their tendency to do this, but men should also catch themselves before apologizing when it’s unnecessary.
6. Your Body Language Should Match Your Words
When was the last time you paid attention to your body language and facial expressions?
If it’s been a while, then I suggest you keep a close eye on it in the next few days, particularly when it comes to talking to someone in person.
To come across as confident and assertive, your body language needs to match your words. For assertive people, this means not slumping your shoulders and avoiding eye contact. Instead, it means standing tall and erect, and looking directly in the person’s eyes.
This will serve two purposes. It will consciously and subconsciously impress the person and help them have faith in what you’re saying, and it will make you feel strong, assured, and confident.
You can check out this TED talk from Amy Cuddy to learn more about how body language shapes the way we feel and speak:
The Bottom Line
Learning how to be more assertive comes down to the simple tips above. However, knowledge is useless without action. So, next time you need to make a request of someone or say no in order to make room for time to achieve your goals, put one of the above tips into practice.
Within a few weeks, you’ll notice you’ve become a stronger, more assertive, and more dynamic person. Furthermore, with these enhanced traits, you’ll find that reaching and exceeding your goals will become second nature to you.