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7 Things to Remember When Dating an INFJ

7 Things to Remember When Dating an INFJ

INFJs are one of the rarest personality types out there. With our energy primarily focused internally, we are quiet, intuitive and idealistic dreamers with an empathy for everything and everyone. We live in another world – one entwined with hidden meanings, possibilities, and symbolism – this can make us quite odd at times for those who find themselves around us.

At first, other personality types might see us as mysterious, even intriguing, but this can also cause problems within our relationships, as these characteristics can quickly make us appear aloof and blasé.

There are a number of things one should know before jumping head first into a relationship with an INFJ – not all of them necessarily negative, but needed to know before you can move into a more serious phase and a deeper understanding of the relationship:

1. No hook ups

INFJs do not want something temporary that can dwindle away with the first indication of a strong, potentially stormy wind that blows in its direction. We seek soul mates, those with whom we can connect on a spiritual, emotional and intellectual level.

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We do not do casual or friends with benefits; it only frustrates us and makes us feel guilty for compromising our ideals and our value systems. This by no means make us judgmental towards others who prefer to explore and experiment; it is just not something we wish to pursue.

2. Trust does not always come easy

INFJs are keen observers of the world and all that goes on in it. We not only see the pain, we also feel it. This is one of the reasons behind us being so hesitant to just jump into a relationship before knowing if we really connect with a person.

If there is any indication that the person is not being honest or open with us we will immediately retreat. We are good readers of situations and people and if the dynamics of the relationship has changed or if the person fails to give his or her all, we will sense it.

3. We do not give up

INFJs do not easily give up on a relationship, it is thus that we need you to be honest. If we feel the dynamics – as mentioned above – has changed, we will slowly start disappearing mentally, emotionally and even physically. We do not like conflict—this also makes us (or perhaps only me personally) terrible verbal communicators when it does come to the point of conflict. We avoid the elephant in the room and will often wait for the other person to break things off first.

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4. We need time alone

We tend to give our all in a relationship and often neglect ourselves in the process, which most likely leads to us being exhausted and overstimulated. This, in turn, might cause us to lash out, saying or doing something we do not mean.

Therefore, we need time alone to center ourselves; we need our other half not to take it personally when we tell them we need a weekend alone without seeing, texting or phoning each other. Our loved ones need to be able to let us go for long enough to enable us to recharge and recuperate. It is the only way we will be able to function “normally” in the world we find ourselves in, as well as in our relationship again.

5. Snobs are a buzz kill

Look, we all love a good dose of confidence, style, and a positive body image. Great for the guy or girl who has it, but they should not dare use it as a weapon to bring others down. If they do, they will not see us hanging around for long, if at all.

This was a major pet peeve in one of my relationships and in the end contributed to some of my own insecurities. I never saw the flaws he pointed out in others, but it made me consciously look at myself through his eyes, wondering if he felt that way about me too. It was only after I did some soul searching and was able to recollect myself and my sense of worth and value that I knew this was not something I could stand for.

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You have to understand, INFJs are affected by the energy provided by the environment around us and we cannot stand for an energy of criticism, arrogance, and elitism – we despise it. We see people’s souls; we do not care about status, appearances, and accessories. We hope to find someone who appreciates the simplicity and makes room for what matters.

6. We are the peculiar children

INFJs are beautifully complex – so much so that it is often frustratingly confusing not only to those around us but also for ourselves. We have a rich inner life and often get lost in idealistic dreams and fantasies about life and the world we wish to save. We know we might seem strange to others and because of this awareness we will often feel alone and misunderstood.

We rarely feel that anyone truly gets us and this can often cause tension in our relationships. However, bear with us; work with us when we feel this way. We might not admit it, but we do need you.

7. The deep pit of depression

INFJs tend to struggle with periods of depression. Whether it is because we feel helpless and hopeless in our pursuit of saving the world and all its inhabitants, or due to the fact that we are experiencing a crisis and blockage in our work, perhaps even because we feel lonely and misunderstood. This can play a role in our relationships and we might feel the need to creep back into our deep, dark and lonely pit.

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It is wise to know when to let us creep back in and to just let us be, allowing us to sort through our thoughts and emotions, but it is also wise to know when we need that helping hand to pull us back into the light. Please, please do not abandon us completely.

This is us. Take it or leave it. But one thing we can guarantee the guy or girl if they do decide to take it is loyalty, support, absolute love, acceptance and someone that will always be ready to go on new adventures with you. All we need is your trust, your openness and your ability to stay with us through the sticky and rough patches in our lives – we will not forget it, and we will be devoted to you until the end.

If you are an INFJ, let us know how you find your relationship to be like and if you were lucky enough to find the one that dances with you through the rain, the one whose love roars louder than your demons; the one who knows how to make you feel both secure and wild.

Featured photo credit: Junebug Weddings via junebugweddings.com

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Bianca Gouws

Freelance Writer, Director and Actress

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Last Updated on September 17, 2018

7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

Relationships are complicated and when you’re unhappy, it can be difficult to tell what’s causing it and what needs to change.

Sometimes it’s as easy as opening up to your partner about your problems, while other times it may be necessary to switch partners or roll solo to get your mind straight.

When you’re in the thick of things, it can be difficult to tell if you’re unhappy in your relationship or just unhappy in general (in which case, a relationship may be just the cure you need).

Here’re signs of an unhappy relationship that is possibly making you feel stuck:

1. You’re depressed about your home life.

No matter what you do in life, you’re going to have good and bad days. Your relationship is no different.

However, no matter what you’re going through at home, you have to feel comfortable in your own home.

If you constantly dread going home because your significant other is there, there’s a problem. Maybe it’s something you already know about, everyone has an argument or just needs some alone time.

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When that yearning to be alone becomes an insatiable obsession over the course of months and years, it’s time to realize you’re not the exception to the rule.

You’re unhappy in your relationship, and you need to take a look in the mirror and do whatever it takes to make yourself smile.

2. You aren’t comfortable being yourself.

Remember all those things you discovered about yourself when you first got together? The way your partner made you feel when you met that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place.

If they don’t make you feel that way anymore, it’s not the end of the world. If your partner makes you uncomfortable about being you, then her or she is only dragging you down. It’s up to you to decide how to handle that.

You need to be comfortable with who you are. This means being comfortable in your skin and with the way you walk, talk, look, breath, move, and all the other things that make you uniquely you.

If the person who supposedly loves you doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, know that you can do better. They’re not even one in a billion.

3. You can’t stop snooping.

Mutual trust is necessary in any relationship. The only way to get that trust is with respect.

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I can find you anywhere online, no matter how private and secure you think you are. The odds of you having a password I can’t crack are slim. If we’ve met in person, I could install a remote key logger on your device without even touching it.

Finding your information online hardly takes a clandestine organization. Any idiot with a Wi-Fi-enabled device can cyberstalk you. I’m just the only idiot in the village admitting it.

So now that we know everyone snoops, it’s time to address your personal habits. Governments snoop because they don’t trust us. If you’re snooping on your partner, it’s because you don’t trust them.

It’s ok to have doubts, and it’s perfectly normal to look into anything that looks weird, but keep in mind that data collection is only half of an investigation.

If you find yourself constantly snooping and questioning everything, clearly there’s a trust issue and the relationship likely needs to end.

4. You’re afraid of commitment.

If you’ve been dating longer than a year and you aren’t engaged, it’s never going to happen.

Commitment is important. People will come up with a million ways to describe why they can’t be committed.

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No matter who you are if you like it, you need to put a ring on it. Find an engagement ring, stick a gemstone in it and marry the person. If you’re not legally able to get married or you don’t believe in it for one reason or another, have a child (or adopt one, however you’re able to) or treat your partner’s family like your own. It’s a huge financial and mental commitment.

If you’re not ready for one or the other after some time, don’t waste anymore of your precious life on the relationship.

Your relationship should be something that propels you forward. If it’s not going anywhere, make it an open relationship and call it what it is—dating multiple people.

5. You imagine a happier life without your partner.

If all you’re doing is imagining a happier life without your partner, it’s a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship. You’re unhappy and you need to get out.

Your partner should be included in your dreams. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a future with someone.

Try to remember what you dreamed of before you got your heart broken by the realities of life, love and the pursuit of human success.

Remember when you would crush on that cute kid in class? You would secretly imagine marrying him or her and going on an adventure—that’s the way life should be.

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If you’re not at least imagining adventures together, then why are you in that relationship?

6. You resent, rather than love your partner.

When a relationship starts to crumble, you begin to resent your partner for all the things you once loved about him or her.

When you’ve reached this point, your partner has reached at least No. 2 on this list. From your partner’s perspective, your unhappiness with them is picked up as bashing them for being who they are.

If you’re both unhappy in the relationship, it’s better if it ends as quickly and painlessly as possible.

7. You chase past feelings.

It’s okay to reminisce about the past, but if all you do is wish things were like they used to be, it’s a sign you’re not on the right path.

You’re unhappy and, at the very least, you need to have an open dialogue about it. This isn’t necessarily a sign that the relationship should end, but it definitely needs a spark.

When you talk to your partner candidly about what it is you’re looking for, you never know how they’ll react. The risk alone is worth it, good or bad.

Final thoughts

If you’re feeling stuck in your current relationship, it’s time to reflect about it with your partner. Don’t ignore these signs of an unhappy relationship as they will slowly go worse and harm both you and your partner in long-term.

Featured photo credit: josh peterson via unsplash.com

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