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7 Things to Remember When Dating an INFJ

7 Things to Remember When Dating an INFJ

INFJs are one of the rarest personality types out there. With our energy primarily focused internally, we are quiet, intuitive and idealistic dreamers with an empathy for everything and everyone. We live in another world – one entwined with hidden meanings, possibilities, and symbolism – this can make us quite odd at times for those who find themselves around us.

At first, other personality types might see us as mysterious, even intriguing, but this can also cause problems within our relationships, as these characteristics can quickly make us appear aloof and blasé.

There are a number of things one should know before jumping head first into a relationship with an INFJ – not all of them necessarily negative, but needed to know before you can move into a more serious phase and a deeper understanding of the relationship:

1. No hook ups

INFJs do not want something temporary that can dwindle away with the first indication of a strong, potentially stormy wind that blows in its direction. We seek soul mates, those with whom we can connect on a spiritual, emotional and intellectual level.

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We do not do casual or friends with benefits; it only frustrates us and makes us feel guilty for compromising our ideals and our value systems. This by no means make us judgmental towards others who prefer to explore and experiment; it is just not something we wish to pursue.

2. Trust does not always come easy

INFJs are keen observers of the world and all that goes on in it. We not only see the pain, we also feel it. This is one of the reasons behind us being so hesitant to just jump into a relationship before knowing if we really connect with a person.

If there is any indication that the person is not being honest or open with us we will immediately retreat. We are good readers of situations and people and if the dynamics of the relationship has changed or if the person fails to give his or her all, we will sense it.

3. We do not give up

INFJs do not easily give up on a relationship, it is thus that we need you to be honest. If we feel the dynamics – as mentioned above – has changed, we will slowly start disappearing mentally, emotionally and even physically. We do not like conflict—this also makes us (or perhaps only me personally) terrible verbal communicators when it does come to the point of conflict. We avoid the elephant in the room and will often wait for the other person to break things off first.

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4. We need time alone

We tend to give our all in a relationship and often neglect ourselves in the process, which most likely leads to us being exhausted and overstimulated. This, in turn, might cause us to lash out, saying or doing something we do not mean.

Therefore, we need time alone to center ourselves; we need our other half not to take it personally when we tell them we need a weekend alone without seeing, texting or phoning each other. Our loved ones need to be able to let us go for long enough to enable us to recharge and recuperate. It is the only way we will be able to function “normally” in the world we find ourselves in, as well as in our relationship again.

5. Snobs are a buzz kill

Look, we all love a good dose of confidence, style, and a positive body image. Great for the guy or girl who has it, but they should not dare use it as a weapon to bring others down. If they do, they will not see us hanging around for long, if at all.

This was a major pet peeve in one of my relationships and in the end contributed to some of my own insecurities. I never saw the flaws he pointed out in others, but it made me consciously look at myself through his eyes, wondering if he felt that way about me too. It was only after I did some soul searching and was able to recollect myself and my sense of worth and value that I knew this was not something I could stand for.

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You have to understand, INFJs are affected by the energy provided by the environment around us and we cannot stand for an energy of criticism, arrogance, and elitism – we despise it. We see people’s souls; we do not care about status, appearances, and accessories. We hope to find someone who appreciates the simplicity and makes room for what matters.

6. We are the peculiar children

INFJs are beautifully complex – so much so that it is often frustratingly confusing not only to those around us but also for ourselves. We have a rich inner life and often get lost in idealistic dreams and fantasies about life and the world we wish to save. We know we might seem strange to others and because of this awareness we will often feel alone and misunderstood.

We rarely feel that anyone truly gets us and this can often cause tension in our relationships. However, bear with us; work with us when we feel this way. We might not admit it, but we do need you.

7. The deep pit of depression

INFJs tend to struggle with periods of depression. Whether it is because we feel helpless and hopeless in our pursuit of saving the world and all its inhabitants, or due to the fact that we are experiencing a crisis and blockage in our work, perhaps even because we feel lonely and misunderstood. This can play a role in our relationships and we might feel the need to creep back into our deep, dark and lonely pit.

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It is wise to know when to let us creep back in and to just let us be, allowing us to sort through our thoughts and emotions, but it is also wise to know when we need that helping hand to pull us back into the light. Please, please do not abandon us completely.

This is us. Take it or leave it. But one thing we can guarantee the guy or girl if they do decide to take it is loyalty, support, absolute love, acceptance and someone that will always be ready to go on new adventures with you. All we need is your trust, your openness and your ability to stay with us through the sticky and rough patches in our lives – we will not forget it, and we will be devoted to you until the end.

If you are an INFJ, let us know how you find your relationship to be like and if you were lucky enough to find the one that dances with you through the rain, the one whose love roars louder than your demons; the one who knows how to make you feel both secure and wild.

Featured photo credit: Junebug Weddings via junebugweddings.com

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Bianca Gouws

Freelance Writer, Director and Actress

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Last Updated on July 8, 2020

How to Say No When You Say Yes Too Often

How to Say No When You Say Yes Too Often

Do you say yes so often that you realize you aren’t really happy about this, wondering how to say no to people?

For years, I was a serial people pleaser. Known as someone who would step up, I would gladly make time especially when it came to volunteering for certain causes. I proudly carried this role all through grade school, college, even through law school. For years, I thought saying “no” meant I would disappoint a good friend or someone I respected.

But somewhere along the way, I noticed I wasn’t quite living my life. Instead, I seem to have created a schedule that was a strange combination of meeting the expectations of others, what I thought I should be doing, and some of what I actually wanted to do. The result? I had a packed schedule that left me overwhelmed and unfulfilled.

It took a long while but I learned the art of saying no. Saying ‘no’ meant I no longer catered fully to everyone else’s needs and could make more room for what I really wanted to do. Instead of cramming too much in, I chose to pursue what really mattered. I started to manage my time more around my own needs and interests. When that happened, I became a lot happier. And guess what? I hardly disappointed anyone.

The Importance of Saying No

When you learn the art of saying ‘no,’ you begin to look at the world differently. Rather than seeing all of the things you could or should be doing (and aren’t doing), you start to look at how to say yes to what’s important.

In other words, you aren’t just reacting to what life throws at you. You seek the opportunities that move you to where you want to be.

Successful people aren’t afraid to say no. Oprah Winfrey considered one of the most successful women in the world confessed that it was much later in life when she learned how to say no. Even after she had become internationally famous, she felt she had to say yes to virtually everything. It was only when she realized that after years of struggling with saying no, I finally got to this question: “What do I want?”

Being able to say no also helps you manage your time better.

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Warren Buffett views no as essential to his success. He said,

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”

When I made ‘no’ a part of my toolbox, I drove more of my own success focusing on fewer things and doing them well.

How We Are Pressured to Say Yes

It’s no wonder a lot of us find it hard to say ‘no.’

From an early age, we are conditioned to say ‘yes.’ We said yes probably hundreds of time in order to graduate from high school and then get into college. We said yes to find work. We said yes get a promotion. We said yes to find love and then yes again to stay in a relationship. We said yes to find and keep friends.

We say yes because it feels better to help someone. We say yes because it can seem like the right thing to do. We say yes because we think that is key to success. And we say yes because the request might come from someone who is hard to resist like the boss.

And that’s not all. The pressure to say yes doesn’t just come from others. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. At work, we say yes because we compare ourselves to others who seem to be doing more than we are. Outside of work, we say yes because we feel guilty we aren’t doing enough to spend time with family or friends.

The message no matter where we turn is nearly always, “You really could be doing more.” The result? When people ask us for our time, we are heavily conditioned to say yes.

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How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Deciding to add the word ‘no’ to your toolbox is no small thing. Perhaps you already say ‘no’ but not as much as you would like. Maybe you have an instinct that if you were to learn the art of ‘no’ that you could finally create more time for things you care about. But let’s be honest, using the word ‘no’ doesn’t come easily for many people.

The 3 Rules of Thumbs for Saying No

1. You Need to Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

Let’s face it. It is hard to say no. Setting boundaries around your time especially you haven’t done it much in the past will feel awkward.

2. You Are the Air Traffic Controller of Your Time

Remember that you are the only one who understands the demands for your time. Think about it, who else knows about all of the demands on your time? No one. Only you are at the center of all of these requests. are the only one that understands what time you really have.

3. Saying ‘No’ Means Saying ‘Yes’ to Something That Matters

When we decide not to do something, it means we can say yes to something else. You have a unique opportunity to decide how you spend your precious time.

6 Ways to Start Saying No

Incorporating that little word ‘no’ into your life can be transformational. Turning some things down will mean you can open doors to what really matters. Here are some essential tips to learn the art of no:

1. Check in With Your Obligation Meter

One of the biggest challenges to saying ‘no’ is a feeling of obligation. Do you feel you have a responsibility to say yes and worry that saying no reflect poorly on you?

Ask yourself whether you truly have the duty to say yes. Check your assumptions or beliefs about whether you carry the responsibility to say yes. Turn it around and instead ask what duty you owe to yourself.

2. Resist the Fear of Missing out (FOMO)

Do you have a fear of missing out (FOMO)? FOMO can follow us around in so many ways. At work, we volunteer our time because we fear we won’t move ahead. In our personal lives, we agree to join the crowd because FOMO even while we ourselves aren’t enjoying the fun.

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Check in with yourself. Are you saying yes because of FOMO or because you really want to say yes? More often than not, running after fear doesn’t make us feel better.

3. Check Your Assumptions About What It Means to Say ‘No’

Do you dread the reaction you will get if you say no? Often, we say ‘yes’ because we worry about how others will respond or the consequences of saying no or because of the consequences. We may be afraid to disappoint others or think we will lose respect from others. We often forget how much we are disappointing ourselves along the way.

Keep in mind that saying ‘no’ can be exactly what is needed to send the right message that you have limited time. In the tips below, you will see how to communicate your no in a gentle and loving way. You might disappoint someone initially but drawing a boundary can bring you the freedom you need so that you can give freely of yourself when you truly want to.

4. When the Request Comes In, Sit on It

Sometimes, when we are in the moment, we instinctively agree. The request might make sense at first. Or we typically have said yes to this request in the past.

Give yourself a little time to reflect on whether you really have the time, or can do the task properly. You may decide the best option is to say ‘no.’ There is no harm in giving yourself the time to decide.

5. Communicate Your ‘No’ with Transparency and Kindness

When you are ready to tell someone no, communicate your decision clearly. The message can be open and honest to ensure the recipient that your reasons have to do with your limited time.

Resist the temptation not to respond or communicate all. But do not feel obligated to provide a lengthy account about why you are saying no.

A clear communication with a short explanation is all that is needed. I have found it useful to tell people that I have many demands and need to be careful with how I allocate my time. I will sometimes say I really appreciate that they came to me and for them to check in again if the opportunity arises another time.

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6. Consider How to Use a Modified ‘No’

If you are under pressure to say yes but want to say no, you may want to consider downgrading a “yes” to a “yes but…” giving you an opportunity to condition your agreement to what works best for you.

Sometimes, the condition can be to do the task but not in the time frame that was originally requested. Or perhaps you can do part of what has been asked.

Final Thoughts

Beginning right now, you can change how you respond to requests for your time. When the request comes in, take yourself off autopilot where you might normally say yes.

Use the request as a fresh request to draw a healthy boundary around your time. Pay particular attention to when you place certain demands on yourself. If you are the one placing the demand on yourself, try to evaluate the demand as if it were coming from somewhere else.

Try it now. Say no to a friend who continues to take advantage of your goodwill. Or, draw the line with a workaholic colleague and tell them you will complete the project but not by working all weekend. Or, tell someone in your family you can’t loan them money again because they never paid you back the last time. You’ll find yourself much happier.

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Featured photo credit: Chris Ainsworth via unsplash.com

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