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5 Misconceptions About What Is Attractive To Women

5 Misconceptions About What Is Attractive To Women

So you’re trying to become more attractive to women, but there’s bad advice everywhere. What should you believe? Is it true that bad boys get all the women or should you be the nice guy that women say they want?

Trying to understand a woman can be more confusing than rocket science and I’m sure many women don’t even understand each other. Here are the most common misconceptions men have about women:

1. Women Want a Super Masculine Man

Whilst this may be true for some women, most men overestimate how masculine they have to be in order to be attractive. Don’t believe me? Just compare a men’s magazine to a women’s magazine.

You’ll notice a huge difference in the pictures of men portrayed: the ones in the men’s magazines tend to have an edgier look, be more muscular, have more body and facial hair, and are usually in more masculine poses. This illustrates exactly the distinction between what men want to become and what women are looking for.

So overall, what women are really looking for is a true gentleman. They want someone who is caring and well groomed, but at the same time, strong enough to be stoic in situations where they are challenged/made fun of.

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2. Women Want You to Micro-manage Your Look

No, you don’t need to sit straight and puff your chest out all day to look attractive. And hell no to taking up more space just to appear more confident or ‘masculine’.

I’ve talked to a few women and they do notice these things. They’ll tell me how obvious it is when a guy is trying to impress them by trying to take up more space. A confident man is never self-conscious of these things. They take up as much (or as little) space as they need without thinking about it.

This goes for body language too. You shouldn’t have to worry about micromanaging every body part. In fact, trying to force certain body language will feel very awkward, and it is difficult to maintain. If you want good posture, just go to the gym and start eating healthier.

3. Women Want Good Looks Above All

You might hear the phrase ‘looks don’t matter’ get tossed around by people, especially from the ‘pickup artist’ community. Don’t believe a single word of it. Looks are probably the most important aspect of attraction. If there is no physical attraction from the outset, it’s unlikely that you’re going to be a good match.

Whilst there is no doubt that good looks are an essential part of initial attraction. A lot of long-term relationships are often founded on more than good looks alone.

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If you are a bit conscious of not looking attractive enough for your lady, there are ways you can go about improving this too. Hit the gym if you don’t already. Even if you don’t have Brad Pitt’s face, women are often attracted to a man with a good body.

Dressing well is also something that a lot of women will take notice of. Not only can dressing well make you appear more attractive, but once you meet a woman you like, she will usually let you know how she likes you to look. You can use these little hints as a guide on how to look even better. Let’s be honest, women usually do have much better taste than men! At the outset just try to start by paying attention to the colour combinations of your clothes. Next, familiarise yourself with the different types of jeans so that you buy a pair that are actually flattering.

There is no getting away from the fact that a pleasant appearance in all of its many forms is attractive to the opposite sex, but if you think you’re the bees knees and try to rely on this alone, you’re probably going to spend a lot of your life as a singleton. Work at your looks as much as you naturally can, but also remember that working on who you are as a person will probably be something that will take you the furthest in the long run.

4. Women Want You to Be Somebody Else

You might hear this advice coming from your close friends when you tell them you’re you’re about to go on a first date and you’re very nervous. “Just be yourself, man.”

In your friend’s mind, they’re probably thinking, “just act how you normally act around us,” but when push comes to shove, it’s impossible to act that way when you’re feeling nervous. Your mind’s just too busy thinking something along the lines of “she’s so hot, how do I impress her” to come up with the things that you usually do.

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What should you do instead? First of all, ask yourself the question: if you were a chick, would you go out with someone like yourself? If the answer is no, then you have some improving to do. That’s the harsh reality of it. You can’t just be yourself if you’re not datable. Find out the reasons why you won’t go out with yourself and fix them.

If you answered yes, then you’ll automatically have a reason to appear more confident during a date. Of course, there will still be some things you’re insecure about, everyone has those. It’s best to just accept and forget those and if she brings it up, just be upfront about it.

5. Women Just Want a Guy Who Can Make Them Laugh

Whilst it’s a no brainer that women love a guy who can make them laugh, the misconception here is that most men think they need to be always making her laugh in order for her to like him. Luckily it’s much easier than you might think.

The key to conversation is to:

  • Know how to enjoy your own company
  • Know how to hold meaningful conversations

The first part just comes down to knowing how to amuse yourself if no-one is around. This doesn’t mean you have to be sitting at home telling yourself jokes, but it should mean that you have an active “interior” life. This could manifest itself in things such as hobbies, like reading, writing, or watching films. What I’m essentially trying to say is that you shouldn’t fear being alone. Needy is not a good look, and that is how you will most likely come across if you’re not happy and comfortable in your own skin.

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Knowing how to hold meaningful conversations comes down to two things: listening to what they’re saying and being genuinely curious and interested in what the other person is saying, even if you aren’t interested in the topic itself. The listening part is quite simple and I’m sure most of you can do that. The second part is not as easy, but it’s not difficult either. Let’s take an example:

You might not be particularly interested in fashion, but if she is, then very likely the topic will come up often. She’ll probably bring up a cool fact you didn’t know, or tell you some funny story. This is your chance to be interested and ask lots of questions. If you’re really intrigued, a few of your questions will lead to awesome conversations. The great thing with this tip is you’ll be able to hold the conversation for ages.

So next time, when she brings up something interesting, don’t let the opportunity go to waste. Become curious, get your brain working and turn it into a long, meaningful conversation.

Featured photo credit: Teens by a Fountain by Garry Knight via flickr.com

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Last Updated on August 12, 2020

When Should You Trust Your Gut and How?

When Should You Trust Your Gut and How?

Learning how to trust your gut, otherwise known as your intuition, can keep you safe. Your gut can guide you and help you build your confidence and resilience. My own gut instinct has saved me on more than one occasion. It has also guided me into making sound career choices and other exciting, big decisions. I’m also aware of the times when I’ve gone against my instincts and really regretted it later, wondering why I didn’t tune in to that valuable internal voice that we all have within us.

In this article, we’re going to explore why and how you should listen to your gut, as well as some concrete tips on how to make sure you’re making the most out of your gut instincts.

How to Listen to Your Gut

The key when making any big decision is to always take a minute to listen well to yourself and your inner compass. If you hear your actual voice saying yes while inside you’re silently screaming no, my advice is to ask for some time to think, or simply take a breath and pause before the yes or no escapes your mouth.

Use that moment to breathe, check in with yourself, and give the answer that feels congruent with who you are and what you want, not the one that always involves following the herd. Trusting your gut means having the courage to not simply go with the majority. It can be about holding your own. Here’s how to hone that skill for yourself and reap the rewards.

1. Tune Into Your Body

Your body gives you clues when you’re faced with a big decision. There are many visible and obvious symptoms that we feel in uncomfortable situations. Our body’s reaction is often something that we might try to hide, for example, blushing, being lost for words, or shaking. There are things we might do to try and hide that physical reaction, whether it’s wearing makeup, having a glass of wine or coffee to perk us up a bit, or learning to control our nerves.

However, paying attention to your body when you experience these feelings of anxiety can teach you so much and help you to make sound choices. Some people will experience an actual “gut” feeling of stomach ache or indigestion in an uncomfortable situation.

Ask yourself what’s really going on here, and explore what is happening behind your body’s response to the situation. What can your reaction or instinct teach you? Understanding that can be a clue and can help you either learn something about yourself, the situation, or other people. The answers are often within us.

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Sometimes we’ll get this “something’s not right here” feeling and cannot quite put our finger on it or explain it. That can still be incredibly useful and really guide us away from danger, even if we don’t know the reason.

In his book, Blink, Malcolm Gladwell also argues this, making the point that sometimes our subconscious is better at processing the answer we need, and that we don’t necessarily need to take time to collect hours and hours of information to come to a reliable conclusion[1].

2. Ensure Your Head Is Clear Before Making a Decision

Energy, sleep, and good nutrition are so vital to nourishing our minds, as well as our bodies. There are times when your instinct could lead you astray, and one of these is when you are hungry, “hangry” (angry because you’re hungry!), tired, or anxious. If this is the case–and it may sound obvious–do consider sleeping or eating on it before making an important choice.

There is, in fact, a connection between our gut and our brain[2], which is where terms like “butterflies in the stomach” and “gut-wrenching” originate from. Stress and emotions can cause physical feelings, and ignoring them might do more harm than good.

3. Don’t Be Afraid to Say What You Think and Feel

Listening to your gut and really paying attention to it might involve standing up and being counted, calling something out, or taking a stand. As someone who works for myself, I’ve become used to following the less-travelled road, and that’s given me the chance to strike out on my own in other ways, too.

As they tell you in the planes, “put your own oxygen mask on first,” and part of that self-reliance is knowing what you really want and like and what is safe and good for you, including what resonates with your personal and business values. Making good decisions with this in mind means making choices that do not go against your own beliefs, even when it may mean taking a stand. This is part of trusting yourself and trusting your instincts.

This does not always mean taking the “safe” option, although keeping ourselves safe is an important part of the process. This is how we learn and grow, by following our own inner compass. When you do take risks, go outside of your comfort zone, or choose the less popular option, spending some time researching the facts can stand us in good stead, too.

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4. Do Your Research If Something Feels Off

As well as listening to our instincts, we can also back up the evidence for our chosen course of action before taking the leap. I had a gut feeling about the need for a learning and development network when I noticed my clients getting stuck with the same problems. I set up and now run such a network, but instead of simply going for it, without evidence, I followed up on my instinct with research.

Having confidence in your gut instinct through these kinds of tests can help to minimize your risks, as well as spur you on. It will encourage you to trust your gut again in the future and trust that you are an expert with foresight and experience. You are!

5. Challenge Your Assumptions

When you look at the assumptions your making, this could be the clue to mistakes you are making.

In order to check that our instincts are wise, we need to ask ourselves what blanks we might be filling in, either consciously or unconsciously. This is true not just when it comes to our own decision-making. It’s also true when we are listening to someone explain a problem or situation, and we’re about to jump in and give some advice. If we can learn to be aware of our own assumptions, we can become better listeners and better decision makers, too.

A useful tool to become more aware of your assumptions before making a final decision is simply to ask yourself, “What assumptions am I making about this situation or person?”

6. Educate Yourself on Unconscious Bias

Unconscious bias is something we all have, and it can trip us up big time!

There is a vital caveat to bear in mind when wondering about whether you can trust your gut and the feelings your body gives you, and that’s having an awareness of your unconscious bias. Understanding your own bias–which is hard to do because it literally does happen in our subconscious–can help you to make stronger, better, decisions instead of re-confirming your view of the world over and over again.

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Bias exists, and it’s part of the human condition. All of us have it, and it colors our decisions and can impact on our performance without us realizing.

Unconscious bias happens at a subconscious level in our brains. Our subconscious brain processes information so much faster than our conscious brain. Quick decisions we make in our subconscious are based on both our societal conditioning and how our families raised us.

Our brains process hundreds of thousands of pieces of information daily. We unconsciously categorize and format that information into patterns that feel familiar to us. Aspects such as gender, disability, class, sexuality, body shape and size, ethnicity, and what someone does for a job can all quickly influence decisions we make about people and the relationships we choose to form. Our unconscious bias can be very subtle and go unnoticed..

We naturally tend to gravitate towards people similar to ourselves, favoring people who we see as belonging to the same “group” as us. Being able to make a quick decision about whether someone is part of your group and distinguish friend from foe was what helped early humans to survive. Conversely, we don’t automatically favor people who we don’t immediately relate to or easily connect with.

The downside of that human instinct to seek out similar people is the potential for prejudice, which seems to be hard-wired into human cognition, no matter how open-minded we believe ourselves to be. And these stereotypes we create can be wrong. If we only spend our time with and employ people similar to ourselves, it can create prejudices, as well as stifle fresh thinking and innovation.

We may feel more natural or comfortable working with other people who share our own background and/or opinions than collaborating with people who don’t look, talk, or think like us. However, diversity is not just morally right; having a mix of different people and perspectives that can be genuinely heard is also a valuable way to counter groupthink. Diversity stretches us to think more critically and creatively.

7. Trust Yourself

It is possible to learn how to truly trust yourself[3]. Like any talent or skill, practicing trusting your gut is the best way to get really good at it. When people talk about having great intuition or being good decision-makers, it’s because they’ve worked at honing those skills, made mistakes, learned from them, and tried again.

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Looking back at decisions you’ve made, what you did, what the outcome was, and what you’ve learned can help you become a stronger decision maker and develop solid self-trust and resilience. Making a mistake does not mean you are not great at decision-making; it’s a chance to grow and learn, and the only mistake is to ignore the lesson in that experience.

If you are in the habit of asking others for their input, then the trick here is to choose your inner circle wisely. Having a sounding board of people who have your best interests at heart is a valuable asset, and, combined with your own excellent instincts, can make you a champion decision maker.

The Bottom Line

The above tips are all actionable and easy to start immediately. It’s simply about switching your thinking around, slowing down, and taking great care of this amazing machine that is your body and mind!

Learning how to trust your gut is one of the most fundamental ways to make decisions that will help you lead the life you want and need. Tune into what your body is telling you and start making good decisions today.

More Tips on How to Trust Your Gut

Featured photo credit: Acy Varlan via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Science of People: Learn to Trust Your Gut Instincts: The Science Behind Thin-slicing
[2] Harvard Health Publishing: The gut-brain connection
[3] Psych Central: 3 Ways to Develop Self-Trust

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