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In the Scheme of Life are You a Wallower or a Survivor?

In the Scheme of Life are You a Wallower or a Survivor?

In life there are generally two types of people and their personalities are revealed when they experience a major turmoil, trial, or trauma in life. People either kick into survivalist mode and find the power within to get through and find the best in the situation or they wallow in self pity because of their circumstances. How you react to the major difficulties in life will show your true colors. You will either show yourself to be a survivor or a self pity wallower. Being a wallower will keep you from being successful, as you will have a tendency to think negatively and not pursue your goals because of a self defeating attitude that comes from wallowing in self pity. In order to be a success in life, whether in love, career, parenthood, or whatever path you choose, you need to recognize your self defeating wallowing tendencies, so that you can eliminate them. Wallowing will only hold you back from achieving your goals and dreams.

Definition of a Wallower

A person who wallows in self pity is a person who ruminates on their life circumstances and prevents themselves from moving forward in life because they hold onto these feelings of self pity. They feel that the world has done them wrong, so they get stuck in the rut of self pity, which is wallowing. The self pity can be generated from a variety of different things.

You have probably encountered a “medical problem wallower” at some point in your life. This person has a tendency to talk incessantly about their medical issues, as if they are the only person who has ever had something physically wrong with them in life. They will complain, talk incessantly, and in some cases even show photos on social media of their medical ailments. All in hopes of pity from others. They wallow in their medical problems, rather than embracing the cure or solution to their problem and moving forward.

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Another example of a type of wallower is the “political wallower.” This is the person who seems to be stuck in a never ending political debate loop. Their world seems to revolve around a political dimlema that may or may not even directly affect the individual personally. They are so hung up on this political wallowing that it overshadows their happiness on a regular basis. You have probabably seen this type of person on social media. This person could improve their levels of happiness and success in life by not debating politics on social media and instead go on living life outside of social media (i.e. take a break from Facebook and connect with people face to face without the political jabber). Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into polical wallowing.

These are just two examples of types of wallowers. You probably have encountered many others in life. Just think of a problem and a person that remains fixated on that problem to their detriment and they are most likely a self pity wallower.

The worst kind of wallower is a universal wallower. This simply means a person wallows about generally all areas of their life. They have a “woe is me” attitude that permeates all areas of their life. This type of person will come off to others as being very negative or a “downer.” In reality, when someone is so fixated on wallowing, there may be a deeper issue such as chronic depression. Professional help should be sought when this is the case.

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This list can go on and on of reasons that people wallow in self pity. The predominate factor in self pity wallowing is that the wallowing stems from a problem or dilemma in life. For some it a legitimate tragedy such as the death of a loved one or the loss of a job. The question to ask yourself is, “Am I wallowing because of something or someone in my life?” If you are, then today is the time to turn things around. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Start being solution focused instead of being problem focused. Tell yourself you can move on and that you don’t need pity from yourself or others. If you feel you are unable to move past the problem on your own then find a support group or seek professional help from a counselor or therapist. You will thank yourself later for making that decision to move forward and end the wallowing.

Definition of a Survivor

Have you ever met someone and thought they are amazing because in spite of all that they have been through in life (such as the death of a spouse, loss of a child, or being the victim of a violent crime) they seem to come out victorious or at least positive at the other end of things? This type of person has a “can-do” and “will-do” attitude that can almost be infectious. They try to see that their troubles were not “all for naught,” but that they served a higher purpose for their life. This type of person is a survivor. They seek to find the best in a situation or at least recognize that their trials and troubles have molded them into a stronger and better person. They don’t ruminate or wallow on their problems; instead they use them to their advantage.

A survivor is the direct opposite of a self pity wallower. A survivor seeks to find solutions and rememdy to a situation when conflict or troubles arise. A survivor’s mentality means that a person does not get stuck in the past along with a tragedy that may have occurred in their life. They process their grief in a healthy manner and then move forward and focus on the present and future, rather than the past.

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A loss of job, the death of the loved one, a medical diagnosis, or a move to another town can trigger the grieving process, among other reasons. Knowing that the grieving process is just that, a process, can help a person recognize the phases of the grief, so that they can move forward afterwards. Here are the stages of the grieving process according to PsychCentral: “The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.” What is important to being identified as a survivor is that you don’t get stuck in any of these phases of grief. You move through these phases in a healthy manner, so that you can be focused on life ahead and not life behind.

There are also some characteristics that can be generalized among survivors which include having an attitude of gratitude in life, focusing on the big picture of life rather than getting hung up on smaller problems, and they handle their life setbacks rather than just complaining about the setbacks. Most importantly, a survivor is a person who tries to find the meaning or purpose in their set backs and trials that they encounter in life. Doing so helps them remain positive and helps them recognize that their struggles help them become better, stronger, wiser, and more resilient.

What Will You Chose to Be?

You can chose whether to be a survivor or a wallower. That choice will be presented to you when you are thrown into difficult life situations such as divorce, death of a family member, loss of a good job, or any other major life tragedy. You need to decide how you will handle those encounters before they hit you, so you can mentally and emotionally prepare yourself to survive rather than wallow in self pity.

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You may be a wallower simply by thinking, “yes, I get what you are saying, but you don’t know what I have personally been through.” I don’t need to know. Anyone can become a survivor regardless of how awful their circumstance or tragedy. Here are numerous great stories and examples of survivors: http://www.howlifeunfolds.com/lettersofpeace#authors.

If others can survive horrific situations and use it to become great people, then you can too. It’s all about making up your mind to be a survivor and not stay in a wallow of self pity. Self pity is not love. Love is telling yourself and others that they can rise above tragedy, loss, and horrible circumstances to become better, stronger, and more resilient.

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Dr. Magdalena Battles

A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault

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Last Updated on February 19, 2020

How to Memorize a Speech the Smart Way

How to Memorize a Speech the Smart Way

Did you know that 75% of the population suffers from glossophobia? That scary sounding word is one of the most common phobia’s in the world, fear of public speaking.

I’ll bet even as you are reading this, you are getting nervous thinking about giving a speech.

I have got good news for you. In this article, I will share with you a step by step method on how to memorize a speech the smart way. Once you have this method down, your confidence in yourself to deliver a successful speech will increase substantially. Read on to feel well prepared the next time you have to memorize and deliver a speech.

Common Mistakes of Memorizing a Speech

Before we get to the actual process of how to memorize a speech the smart way, let’s look at the two most common mistakes many of us tend to make while preparing for a speech.

Complete Memorization

In an attempt to ensure they remember every detail, many people aim to completely memorize their speech. They practice it over and over until they have every single word burned into their brain.

In many ways, this is understandable because most of us are naturally frightened of having to give a speech. When the time comes, we want to be completely and totally prepared and not make any mistakes.

While this makes a lot of sense, it also comes with its own negative side. The downside to having your speech memorized word for word is that you sound like a robot when delivering the speech. You become so focused on remembering every single part that you lose the ability to inflect your speech to varying degrees, and free form the talk a bit when the situation warrants.

Lack of Preparation

The other side of the coin to complete memorization is people who don’t prepare enough. Because they don’t want to come off sounding like a robot, they decide they will mostly “wing it”.

Sometimes they will write a few main points down on a piece of paper to remind themselves. They figure once they get going, the details will somehow fill themselves in under the big talking points while they are doing the talking.

The problem is that unless this is a topic you know inside and out and have spoken on it many times, you’ll wind up missing key points. It’s almost a given that as soon as you are done with your speech, you’ll remember many things you should have brought up while talking.

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There’s a good balance to be had between over and under preparing. Let’s now look at how to memorize a speech the smart way.

How to Memorize a Speech (Step-by-Step Guide)

1. Write Out Your Speech

The first step in the process is to simply write out your speech.

Many people like to write out the entire speech. Other people are more inclined to write their speech outline style. Whichever way your brain works best is the way you should write your speech.

Personally, I like to break things down into the primary points I want to make, and then back up each major point with several details. Because my mind works this way, I tend to write out speeches, and articles for that matter, by doing an outline.

Once I have the outline completed, I will then fill in several bullet points to back up each big topic.

For instance, if I was going to give a speech on how to get in better shape my outline would look something like this:

Benefits of being in shape

  • Point #1
  • Point #2
  • Point #3

Exercise

  • Point #1
  • Point #2
  • Point #3

Diet

  • Point #1
  • Point #2
  • Point #3

Rest and hydration

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  • Point #1
  • Point #2
  • Point #3

ConclusionNo need for points here, just a few sentences wrapping things up.

As you might imagine, this step typically is the hardest because it’s not only the first step but it also involves the initial creation of the speech.

2. Rehearse Your Speech

Now that you’ve written your speech, or outline, it’s time to start saying it out loud. It’s completely fine to simply read what you’ve written line by line at this point. What you are working on doing is getting the outline and getting a feel for the speech.

If you’ve written the entire speech out, you’ll be editing it while you are rehearsing it. Many times as we say things out loud, we realize that what we wrote needs to be changed and altered. This is how we work towards having a well rounded and smooth speech. Feel free to change things as needed while you are rehearsing your speech.

If you are like me and you’ve written the outline, this is where some of the supporting bullet points will begin to come out. Normally, I will have written several bullet points under each main topic. But as I say it out loud, I will begin to fill in more and more details. I might scratch certain bullet points and add others. I might think of something new at this stage while I am listening to myself and want to add it.

The key to remember here is that you laying the foundation for your awesome speech. At this point, it’s a work in progress, you are getting the key pieces in place.

3. Memorize the Bigger Parts

As you are rehearsing your speech, you want to focus on memorizing the bigger parts, or the main points.

Going back to my example of how to get in better shape, I’d want to ensure I have memorized my primary points. These include the benefits of being in shape, exercise, diet, rest and hydration, and the conclusion. These are the main points I want to make and I will then fill in further details. I’ve got to ensure I know these very well first and foremost.

By practicing your major points, you are building the framework for your speech. After you have this solid outline in place, you’ll continue by adding in the details to round things out.

4. Fill In the Details

Now that you have the big chunks memorized, it’s time to work on memorizing the details. These detail points will provide support and context for your major points. You can work on this all at once or break it down to the details that support each major point.

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For example, the details I might have under the “exercise” big point might include such things as cardio, weights, how many times a week to exercise, how long to actually exercise, and several examples of actual exercises. In this example, I have 5 detail points to memorize to support my major point of “exercise”.

It’s a good idea to test yourself regularly as you are rehearsing your speech. Ask yourself:

What are the 5 detail points I want to talk about that support my 3rd main point?

You need to be able to fire those off quickly. Until you can do this, you won’t be able to associate each of the details with the main point.

You have to be able to have them grouped together in your mind so that it comes out naturally in your speech. So that when you think of main point #2, you automatically think of the 4 supporting details associated with it.

Keep working at this stage until you can run through your speech completely several times and remember all of your big points and the supporting details.

Once you can do that with relative ease, it will be time for the final step, working on your delivery.

5. Work on Your Delivery

You’ve got the bulk of the work done now. You’ve written your speech and rehearsed enough times to have not only your main points memorized but also your supporting details. In short, you should have your speech almost done.

There’s one more step in how to memorize a speech the smart way. The final component is to work on how you deliver your speech.

For the most part, you can go give your speech now. After all, you have it memorized. If you want to ensure you do it right, you’ll want to hone how you are delivering your speech.

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You work on your delivery by rehearsing and running through it a number of times and making tweaks along the way. These tweaks or changes may be are’s where you’d want to pause for effect.

If you’ve found you have used one word 5 times in one paragraph, you might want to swap it out for a similar word a few times to keep it fresh.

Sometimes while working on this part, I’ve thought of a great story that’s happened to me that I can incorporate to make my point even better.

When you work on your delivery, you are basically giving your speech a personality as well.

The Bottom Line

And there you have it, a step by step approach on how to memorize a speech the smart way.

The next time you are asked to give a speech don’t let glossophobia rear its familiar head. Instead, remember this easy to use guide to help craft a powerful speech.

Using the method shown here will help you deliver your next speech with increased confidence.

More Tips about Public Speaking

Featured photo credit: Anna Sullivan via unsplash.com

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