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10 Things You Must Know About Raising a Toddler

10 Things You Must Know About Raising a Toddler

Toddlers are amazing little snot factories, aren’t they? It’s absolutely incredible to watch them pick up new skills, words, and concepts each day. It’s also absolutely incredible to turn around for .0174 seconds, only to discover they can summon the destructive power of a category 5 hurricane in that amount of time.

No matter how wonderful they are, parenting a toddler can still be a frustrating, scary, confusing process. Until such a time as an infallible, infinite, comprehensive owner’s manual becomes available, parents are resigned to simply doing the best they can.

Thankfully, that best can be pretty darn good, if you’ve got the right help. In need of some assistance? Here are 10 things you have to know when raising a toddler.

1. One Size Doesn’t Fit All

This is going to sound trite, and frankly, silly – but kids are like snowflakes.

No two kids are alike. Your sticky little munchkin is not going to react exactly like your BFF’s offspring. Your second child will present totally different infection symptoms than their big brother or sister did. Your little genius will learn at a different pace, and have different skills and strengths than your braggart of a cousin’s obnoxious little Einstein.

While this can make looking for parenting advice and concrete answers more than a bit frustrating, this snowflake revelation should also be a bit freeing. If nothing else, “every kid is different” makes a great mantra to repeat when you’re feeling bombarded by competitive parents trying to turn everything into a contest.

2. Be Crazy Selective

Finding answers for your special snowflake’s latest health or behavioral issue can be difficult, given the aforementioned lack of a comprehensive owner’s manual. This can drive parents from message board to message board, mommy blog to mommy blog in search of an answer. Any answer.

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Although there are amazing, talented, wise, and knowledgeable amateur bloggers out there with healthy and helpful tips, there are also a lot of people who are armed with little more than an internet connection and loud opinions.

That’s why it’s so important to be crazy selective about what resources you turn to. It may seem square, but proven, respected sources like PBS or the American Academy of Pediatrics really are your best bet. Or, to be really boring, you could try talking to your kid’s pediatrician.

3. You’re Living With a Sponge

This one is pretty simple: Your kid is like a little sponge, absorbing everything you say. Whether it’s mimicking the way you answer the phone or repeating the most unfortunate part of your recent road rage rant, whatever comes out of your mouth is going to come out of theirs, too.

Do with that knowledge what you will.

4. Oh, You Should Probably Invest in Sponges

That same little terror that is repeating everything you say will also fly about your house like a hummingbird on speed, making messes you never dreamed were humanly possible.

First, there’s the never-ending stream of bodily fluids – thanks, stomach viruses and potty-training! Then there’s whatever ungodly notion crossed their mind that day that resulted in a SpaghettiO mosaic on your ceiling, or crop-circle-like grooves dug in your expensive hardwood floor.

You’ll learn to keep a creative and extensive arsenal of cleaning supplies on hand, from a never-ending supply of baby wipes, to baking soda, to vinegar, to a spare tube of toothpaste. What’s that? Yeah, I said toothpaste. That goop will give you minty fresh breath and get crayon off your walls, ink out of your clothes, and scuff marks off your floor.

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5. All Work and No Play … Is a Terrible Idea

Kids, especially little kids, don’t need to spend hours a day racking up resume points for their college applications.

Although fear for your child’s future and success is understandable, preschool is way too young to have kids working on a college-prep checklist.

Experts agree, what kids really need is time to play. The sad truth is that kids spend 50% less time playing than they did in the 1970s. And while times they are a-changing, and play helps develop their imaginations and get out all that crazy kid energy, playing is also how kids learn. Letting them play isn’t setting them back, it’s giving them a chance to grow.

6. Structure Is Your Friend

It’s really easy for little kids to get overwhelmed. They’re tiny and still new to the world: They need order and a certain amount of predictability to feel safe.

That’s why one of the best things you can do is try to give them a bit of structure: Regular mealtimes, regular bedtimes, consistent discipline, etc.

Sure, life will get in the way and they’ll stay up too late one night, or you’ll cave and give them that extra cookie even after they threw their dinner in your face. However, occasional breaks are nothing to worry about. It’s a lack of structure and too much freedom that can really throw your kids out of whack.

Providing structure doesn’t have to be complicated. For example, instead of asking what they want for lunch, offer two options to pick between. They’ll still feel grown up and important and involved, but they won’t feel overwhelmed by endless choices, or inspired to throw a temper tantrum when you say no to Fruit Loop encrusted prime rib. Not that it doesn’t sound delicious, you just don’t have the necessary ingredients on hand.

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7. You Need a Poker Face

A good poker face and a game plan are essential when it comes to dealing with tantrums or naughty behavior.

Flying off the handle won’t help, and neither will giving in. Instead, establish a safe spot for your toddler’s time out and then go take your own. You’ll both get a chance to calm down, and you can take that time to reaffirm your parenting views and prepare yourself to re-enter the lion’s den.

Please, pay no attention to the scrambled metaphors behind the curtain.

8. Look for the Roots

Yeah, there’s always a root of the problem.

Sometimes it’s just that kids are selfish little stinkers who want their own way and don’t want to stop playing for dinner, or don’t want to share their toys with Jimmy. Other times, your kid is tired, or sick, or scared, or overwhelmed, or lonely, or dealing with any number of underlying issues.

Some of these will be bad attitudes you need to address, others will be signals that routines need to change – like bedtime needs to be earlier – or emotional needs need to be addressed. Whatever the case, you and your child will both benefit from your willingness to look beyond the surface actions of temper tantrums and bad behavior.

That surface issue still needs to be addressed – hitting a sibling is never okay, even if it happened because the culprit was overtired – but you’ll get more by digging a little deeper.

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9. Your Actions Speak Loudest

Remember that bit about sponges? Not the bit about cleaning, the one about your kids repeating everything you say.

Yeah, that goes double for everything you do.

All your instructions, rules, life lessons, and world-views don’t mean diddly squat if you aren’t living them out for your kids to see. Your kids are going to do what you do, so if you’re saying one thing and doing another, guess which they’re going to imitate?

No one expects you to be perfect. Just keep in mind what you want your kids to see you doing and what you don’t.

10. They Grow Up So Fast

To a new parent, or even a non-parent, that phrase can seem so cliché. At first you roll your eyes and wish well-meaning geriatrics would stop telling you that.

Then you blink and your 2-day-old is now a 2-year-old, and you suddenly get it.

Your little kids will only be little kids for a short period of time. It’s so important to cherish and treasure and make the most of that time while you can.

It may feel impossible with work and other obligations, but there are plenty of ways you can spend time with your kids, even when it feels like you have no time at all.

So don’t wish away those tantrums and boogie stalactites and mysterious stains so quickly. Before you know it, you’ll be looking at lists for 10 Things You Must Know About Surviving Life With a Teenager, or 10 Ways to Get Your Ungrateful 30-Year-Old-Child to Answer Your Texts Sometime This Century.

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Published on December 20, 2019

Is Authoritarian Parenting Good or Bad for Your Child?

Is Authoritarian Parenting Good or Bad for Your Child?

Kate sits down to the dinner table and is eager to be a good girl and eat her dinner like her Mom and Dad want her to do. She is a sweet girl who wants the approval of her parents very much. It is not always easy though. During dinner, she stands up and starts to leave the table because she has to use the bathroom. Her Dad yells at her to sit back down. He tells her “we don’t just get up from the dinner table, we wait and ask to be excused after everyone is finished eating.” She begins to protest, wanting to explain that she needs to use the bathroom. Her father becomes more upset with her and yells at her that she is now talking back and she is not allowed to say another word at the dinner table until everyone is finished eating and then she can be excused.

Unfortunately for Kate, she can’t hold it, and she has a little accident because she is too fearful to say a word to her Dad. She doesn’t want to get yelled at anymore. She also knows that in her home, kids don’t have a say. What Mom and Dad say is like words carved into stone. They are strict beyond reason and they will not bend their rules. Therefore, Kate felt that she had no choice in the matter and when she could no longer hold it. There was nothing she could do about it.

Kate’s parents are an example of authoritarian parenting. They are strict, they are not emotionally engaged with their children, and they have very high expectations for their children. This type of parenting style leaves children feeling disconnected from their parents.

Kate wanted to communicate to her parents that she had to use the restroom, but she couldn’t even get her words out because her parents have such strict rules and demands of her. They did not care to hear what she had to say, because upholding their rules was more important to them. In their household, a child’s opinions and feelings do not matter.

This kind of strict parenting is not helpful for children. It can damage a child and leave them with low self-esteem, mental health issues, and doing poor academically among other problems cited by research in Parenting Science.[1]

What Does Authoritarian Parenting Look Like?

In the 1960’s, a researcher and theorist by the name of Baumrind established the well known theory of parenting styles. Those four parenting styles, which are well known today, are authoritarian, authoritative, passive, and neglectful. For proactive parents that are trying hard to be good parents, they will usually lean toward either authoritarian or authoritative.

Authoritarian parenting involves strict parenting and high expectations for children. This can sound reasonable and even like good parenting. However, the strict parenting is often characterized by lack of compassion toward the child, little to no flexibility in rules, and complete control sought over the child’s behavior.

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Parents who use this parenting style believe it is their job to control the will and behavior of their children. An article in Psychology Today explains how authoritarian parents operate:[2]

Authoritarian parents believe that children are, by nature, strong-willed and self-indulgent. They value obedience to higher authority as a virtue unto itself. Authoritarian parents see their primary job to be bending the will of the child to that of authority—the parent, the church, the teacher. Willfulness is seen to be the root of unhappiness, bad behavior, and sin. Thus, a loving parent is one who tries to break the will of the child.

For example, Jake has authoritarian parents. He wants to stay out past curfew on a school night because he has an opportunity to play in a jazz ensemble. He has been playing the saxophone for years and his ambition is to play in a college jazz ensemble.

With Jake still being in high school, his parents have a curfew. On school nights, it is 8:00 pm. This rule is instituted because his parents believe they need to ensure that Jake gets his school work done each night and that he needs to be well rested for school the next day. However, they don’t explain the why of their rules to him, they simply tell him that those are their rules. The jazz ensemble is practicing at 8:00 pm on a Thursday night and they have invited Jake to come play with them. It is a well known group and a huge opportunity for Jake.

Unfortunately, his parents say no. Their authoritarian parenting style is unwavering. He wants to discuss the opportunity and its importance, but his parents will not even entertain the conversation. They stop him mid-sentence and go over their rules again. There is no flexibility.

If Jake’s parents had been authoritative, they would have taken the time to hear out his case and would likely have granted him a later curfew for that one instance. They would see that, although they have a curfew, there are some instances when an opportunity is worth bending the rules. They would ask that he has his homework done before going to play with the group, and that he come home as soon as the practice was finished.

Authoritative parents have rules, but they are also flexible based on reasonable requests for exceptions. The authoritative parents are interested in how their children are thinking and feeling. Conversely, authoritarian parents are not likely to be interested in hearing their child’s thoughts and feelings, because they want to control the will of their child, not come to some middle ground.

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Here are some characteristics of authoritarian parenting:

  • They have strict rules that are unyielding and unwavering. This is often called “heavy handed parenting.”
  • They do not want input from the child about rules. They also feel that the child’s opinion does not matter, because they are the parent thus are the supreme authority over the child.
  • There are severe punishments when rules are broken.
  • There is an emotional disconnection between parent and child, because the parent is not interested in what the child thinks or feels. They are more interested in controlling the behavior of the child and having the child be compliant to their rules.
  • Children are expected to listen to their parents and follow the rules, there are no exceptions. A child that voices their objections will likely be punished for doing so.
  • The parents have high expectations, especially when it comes to compliance of their rules.
  • Parents expect that their child will be obedient and they do not need to explain the “why” of their rules and expectations. Compliance is expected out of sheer obedience, not because the child understands the reasons why the rules are set. Parents do not feel the need to explain why they set their rules.
  • There is a failure to have attached relationships between parent and child because of the overly dominant nature of authoritarian parents and their unwillingness to allow their children to have their own voice or free will.

Authoritarian parents are driven by a belief that they need to control their children. This means controlling their children’s behavior to an extreme. They are inflexible and don’t take into account the child’s desires, emotions, or well-being as being as important to enforcing rules to get the desired outcome. Authoritative parents on the other hand, seek to guide and direct their children instead of control. There is a distinction.

The Problems of Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parenting has many negative consequences to children. Children who are raised in homes with extreme authoritarian parenting are more likely to become dependent on drugs and alcohol, have lower academic performance, and increased mental health issues according to Parenting for Brain.[3] Children who are raised with authoritarian parents are also more likely to have lower self esteem, inability to make decisive choices, and have social skills that are lacking.

When a child is raised to be taught day in and day out that their voice does not matter, then that child will likely be ingrained with that belief. They will not value their own opinions because they have been taught that what they think does not matter and is of no value. This leads to poor self-esteem and low self-worth.

If a child doesn’t believe that their thoughts matter, then what they think about themselves overall is going to be affected. They will not think highly of themselves or believe that what they think, say, or do is of value. This will contribute to low self-esteem long term.

Social skills will suffer because a child who comes from an authoritarian home will be trained to believe that nobody wants to hear their opinion and that relationships are based on compliance.

For example, Judy is raised in an authoritarian home. She is now 18 years old and has her first boyfriend. Anytime that he asks something of her, even if she internally disagrees, she feels that she is supposed to comply and do what he says in order for him to like her and continue wanting to be with her.

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He wants to have sex. She does not feel that she is ready, but she will not voice this to her boyfriend because she doesn’t think that her opinion will matter or that he will want to listen to what she is feeling. She goes along with sex in their relationship to be compliant. She doesn’t want to be punished by disagreeing with not having sex. He says that they are ready for that next step in the relationship and she fears that the consequence of saying no would be that he ends the relationship.

Therefore, she doesn’t even voice her thoughts or feelings on the situation because she doesn’t think they have value or will be heard anyway.

She has been taught by her parents that her opinions and feelings don’t matter. She has learned from the past 18 years with her parents that what matters most is that she is compliant. She gets along with her parents best when she is doing exactly what they want her to do. This is why she feels the need to do the same with her boyfriend.

Going along with his decisions, being compliant, and not voicing her feelings will keep the relationship going and avoid conflict or punishment. The ultimate punishment in her mind would be that he ends the relationship.

With her opinions never being valued by those who she has loved the most (her parents), she has learned that she should not voice her opinion if she wants to keep the other person in the relationship happy. In her mind, because of how she has been raised, compliance overrides all else, and her opinion is meaningless.

However, her boyfriend is not her parents. He is understanding and would want to know how she feels. He wants a long term relationship with her and he loves her so much. His true desire is for her to be happy. He would never want her to have sex if she wasn’t feeling the same way that he was feeling. He would gladly wait and would want to hear what she thinks and feels about taking their relationship to the next level.

Authoritarian parenting methods can inflict great harm on a child. The child becomes emotionally damaged because they grow up believing that their opinions, thoughts, and feelings do not matter. Instead they are taught that compliance and being obedient supersedes all else.

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The Solution

The solution is to move from authoritarian parenting methods to authoritative parenting practices.

Authoritative parenting has been deemed as the best parenting method by researchers, according to Psychology Today. Parents who use authoritative parenting methods have rules for their children, but they are not looking for blind compliance. They recognize that having a relationship with their child is of great importance and therefore valuing the child’s voice, opinions, and thoughts is important.

Authoritative parents seek to guide and direct their children, but they do not seek to control the will of their child.

Parenting Coach Plan explains the foundation of authoritative parenting as the following:[4]

Authoritative parenting can be described as a style of parenting that combines firm limits and clear boundaries with fair and consistent discipline. Authoritative parents are also nurturing, highly-involved, and willing to speak openly with their child regarding expectations and the consequences for failing to meet those expectations. Rules are enforced and fair consequences are put in place for when those rules are broken.

Children raised in authoritative homes follow the rules because they understand the “why” of the rules. They are also bonded to their parents because they are able to talk to their parents openly. This bond helps nurture a positive home environment and a two-way relationship that can last a lifetime.

To learn more about how to be an authoritative parent and how to discipline a child using this parenting method, check out my article:

How to Discipline a Child (The Complete Guide for Different Ages)

Featured photo credit: Xavier Mouton Photographie via unsplash.com

Reference

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