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Mind-Reading Is Detrimental To Your Relationship: 5 Actions You Should Take Instead

Mind-Reading Is Detrimental To Your Relationship: 5 Actions You Should Take Instead

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships” ~Henry Winkler

Most people realize that it is unreasonable to expect others to read their mind, yet they still feel hurt and outraged when their innermost, unexpressed thoughts go unheard. In intimate relationships, there exists a fallacy and erroneous expectation that mind reading [1] is not only a legitimate supposition, but that a partner who fails to adeptly interpret thoughts and to take appropriate action is unloving.

Mind Reading: Don’t try this at home

Effective communication that is clear, concise and transparent is the best way to avoid the missteps and pitfalls of faulty assumptions. Communication often goes awry when partners expect each other to pick up on hints, innuendos and veiled messages.

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Here are five common mindreading mistakes and things to do to avoid making them:

1. Saying something without actually saying it.

You know people who do this–they use words that are veiled and vague to communicate something to you without directly saying it. You are supposed to “get” the message. And most times you don’t. People believe that saying something without directly saying it is a gentler way of communicating something that may be considered rude, politically incorrect or even hurtful. The truth is–it’s not. It leaves people confused and left to come up with their own interpretation of the message and could be much worse than intended.

If you have something to say–say it. No mixed messages, no hidden meanings–be honest and have the courage to say exactly what you mean as clearly as possible.

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2. Equating romance with mind reading

These two are not synonymous. This ideology originates from romance novels, romantic comedies and fantasy land where unicorns are the official mascot and it rains pixie dust year round. Kill that type of thinking. A spouse or partner who deeply loves and cares about you cannot guess your innermost desires. The truth is determining your own thoughts and desires is difficult so expecting someone else to do it is plain ludicrous.

The most romantic thing in the world is telling your lover your exact desires at that moment and having them hear you and give you what you verbally expressed. It doesn’t get any sexier than that.

3. Believing that an attentive spouse knows your needs

This is an easy mistake to make. You believe that as you and your mate grow closer and your relationship solidifies, your significant other knows you–inside and out. Nothing could be further from the truth.

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As humans, we are constantly evolving and changing–daily. Life experiences, maturity, and the accumulation of wisdom change who we are and how we think. There is no way your partner can know exactly where you are emotionally and intellectually, anticipate your needs and deliver precisely the right thing in that moment. You must articulate what you need–every time–and then assist your mate in making it happen.

4. Dropping hints

If you want something–ask. It is so simple, yet so hard for many people to do. We believe that asking for things is somehow wrong and being direct is unattractive. Do you know how much time, energy and brain strain you could save your partner if you simply took them to the store and pointed to the exact item you wanted–and said I want that exact thing right there? Being direct saves so much hassle for everyone and frees you to move on and tackle bigger things.

5. Assigning meaning to their actions

You have no idea why they did what they did. None. So, instead of manufacturing your own reason, which is always much worse than the truth, just ask. Then be open and accepting to the response. Most things are not as calculated and intentional as we believe they are. Your mate’s mistakes are probably a simple error in judgment or an oversight of some sort and not a well-organized conspiracy to hurt you.

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Your mate is not a mind reader. Your mate’s ability to read your mind is colored by their own emotional state and perspective–and therefore is inherently flawed. You are responsible for telling them exactly what they need to know.

Reference

[1]Mind Reading: Psychology Today

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Denise Hill

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Last Updated on September 17, 2018

7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

Relationships are complicated and when you’re unhappy, it can be difficult to tell what’s causing it and what needs to change.

Sometimes it’s as easy as opening up to your partner about your problems, while other times it may be necessary to switch partners or roll solo to get your mind straight.

When you’re in the thick of things, it can be difficult to tell if you’re unhappy in your relationship or just unhappy in general (in which case, a relationship may be just the cure you need).

Here’re signs of an unhappy relationship that is possibly making you feel stuck:

1. You’re depressed about your home life.

No matter what you do in life, you’re going to have good and bad days. Your relationship is no different.

However, no matter what you’re going through at home, you have to feel comfortable in your own home.

If you constantly dread going home because your significant other is there, there’s a problem. Maybe it’s something you already know about, everyone has an argument or just needs some alone time.

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When that yearning to be alone becomes an insatiable obsession over the course of months and years, it’s time to realize you’re not the exception to the rule.

You’re unhappy in your relationship, and you need to take a look in the mirror and do whatever it takes to make yourself smile.

2. You aren’t comfortable being yourself.

Remember all those things you discovered about yourself when you first got together? The way your partner made you feel when you met that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place.

If they don’t make you feel that way anymore, it’s not the end of the world. If your partner makes you uncomfortable about being you, then her or she is only dragging you down. It’s up to you to decide how to handle that.

You need to be comfortable with who you are. This means being comfortable in your skin and with the way you walk, talk, look, breath, move, and all the other things that make you uniquely you.

If the person who supposedly loves you doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, know that you can do better. They’re not even one in a billion.

3. You can’t stop snooping.

Mutual trust is necessary in any relationship. The only way to get that trust is with respect.

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I can find you anywhere online, no matter how private and secure you think you are. The odds of you having a password I can’t crack are slim. If we’ve met in person, I could install a remote key logger on your device without even touching it.

Finding your information online hardly takes a clandestine organization. Any idiot with a Wi-Fi-enabled device can cyberstalk you. I’m just the only idiot in the village admitting it.

So now that we know everyone snoops, it’s time to address your personal habits. Governments snoop because they don’t trust us. If you’re snooping on your partner, it’s because you don’t trust them.

It’s ok to have doubts, and it’s perfectly normal to look into anything that looks weird, but keep in mind that data collection is only half of an investigation.

If you find yourself constantly snooping and questioning everything, clearly there’s a trust issue and the relationship likely needs to end.

4. You’re afraid of commitment.

If you’ve been dating longer than a year and you aren’t engaged, it’s never going to happen.

Commitment is important. People will come up with a million ways to describe why they can’t be committed.

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No matter who you are if you like it, you need to put a ring on it. Find an engagement ring, stick a gemstone in it and marry the person. If you’re not legally able to get married or you don’t believe in it for one reason or another, have a child (or adopt one, however you’re able to) or treat your partner’s family like your own. It’s a huge financial and mental commitment.

If you’re not ready for one or the other after some time, don’t waste anymore of your precious life on the relationship.

Your relationship should be something that propels you forward. If it’s not going anywhere, make it an open relationship and call it what it is—dating multiple people.

5. You imagine a happier life without your partner.

If all you’re doing is imagining a happier life without your partner, it’s a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship. You’re unhappy and you need to get out.

Your partner should be included in your dreams. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a future with someone.

Try to remember what you dreamed of before you got your heart broken by the realities of life, love and the pursuit of human success.

Remember when you would crush on that cute kid in class? You would secretly imagine marrying him or her and going on an adventure—that’s the way life should be.

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If you’re not at least imagining adventures together, then why are you in that relationship?

6. You resent, rather than love your partner.

When a relationship starts to crumble, you begin to resent your partner for all the things you once loved about him or her.

When you’ve reached this point, your partner has reached at least No. 2 on this list. From your partner’s perspective, your unhappiness with them is picked up as bashing them for being who they are.

If you’re both unhappy in the relationship, it’s better if it ends as quickly and painlessly as possible.

7. You chase past feelings.

It’s okay to reminisce about the past, but if all you do is wish things were like they used to be, it’s a sign you’re not on the right path.

You’re unhappy and, at the very least, you need to have an open dialogue about it. This isn’t necessarily a sign that the relationship should end, but it definitely needs a spark.

When you talk to your partner candidly about what it is you’re looking for, you never know how they’ll react. The risk alone is worth it, good or bad.

Final thoughts

If you’re feeling stuck in your current relationship, it’s time to reflect about it with your partner. Don’t ignore these signs of an unhappy relationship as they will slowly go worse and harm both you and your partner in long-term.

Featured photo credit: josh peterson via unsplash.com

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