Advertising
Advertising

Mind-Reading Is Detrimental To Your Relationship: 5 Actions You Should Take Instead

Mind-Reading Is Detrimental To Your Relationship: 5 Actions You Should Take Instead

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships” ~Henry Winkler

Most people realize that it is unreasonable to expect others to read their mind, yet they still feel hurt and outraged when their innermost, unexpressed thoughts go unheard. In intimate relationships, there exists a fallacy and erroneous expectation that mind reading [1] is not only a legitimate supposition, but that a partner who fails to adeptly interpret thoughts and to take appropriate action is unloving.

Mind Reading: Don’t try this at home

Effective communication that is clear, concise and transparent is the best way to avoid the missteps and pitfalls of faulty assumptions. Communication often goes awry when partners expect each other to pick up on hints, innuendos and veiled messages.

Advertising

Here are five common mindreading mistakes and things to do to avoid making them:

1. Saying something without actually saying it.

You know people who do this–they use words that are veiled and vague to communicate something to you without directly saying it. You are supposed to “get” the message. And most times you don’t. People believe that saying something without directly saying it is a gentler way of communicating something that may be considered rude, politically incorrect or even hurtful. The truth is–it’s not. It leaves people confused and left to come up with their own interpretation of the message and could be much worse than intended.

If you have something to say–say it. No mixed messages, no hidden meanings–be honest and have the courage to say exactly what you mean as clearly as possible.

Advertising

2. Equating romance with mind reading

These two are not synonymous. This ideology originates from romance novels, romantic comedies and fantasy land where unicorns are the official mascot and it rains pixie dust year round. Kill that type of thinking. A spouse or partner who deeply loves and cares about you cannot guess your innermost desires. The truth is determining your own thoughts and desires is difficult so expecting someone else to do it is plain ludicrous.

The most romantic thing in the world is telling your lover your exact desires at that moment and having them hear you and give you what you verbally expressed. It doesn’t get any sexier than that.

3. Believing that an attentive spouse knows your needs

This is an easy mistake to make. You believe that as you and your mate grow closer and your relationship solidifies, your significant other knows you–inside and out. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Advertising

As humans, we are constantly evolving and changing–daily. Life experiences, maturity, and the accumulation of wisdom change who we are and how we think. There is no way your partner can know exactly where you are emotionally and intellectually, anticipate your needs and deliver precisely the right thing in that moment. You must articulate what you need–every time–and then assist your mate in making it happen.

4. Dropping hints

If you want something–ask. It is so simple, yet so hard for many people to do. We believe that asking for things is somehow wrong and being direct is unattractive. Do you know how much time, energy and brain strain you could save your partner if you simply took them to the store and pointed to the exact item you wanted–and said I want that exact thing right there? Being direct saves so much hassle for everyone and frees you to move on and tackle bigger things.

5. Assigning meaning to their actions

You have no idea why they did what they did. None. So, instead of manufacturing your own reason, which is always much worse than the truth, just ask. Then be open and accepting to the response. Most things are not as calculated and intentional as we believe they are. Your mate’s mistakes are probably a simple error in judgment or an oversight of some sort and not a well-organized conspiracy to hurt you.

Advertising

Your mate is not a mind reader. Your mate’s ability to read your mind is colored by their own emotional state and perspective–and therefore is inherently flawed. You are responsible for telling them exactly what they need to know.

Reference

[1] Mind Reading: Psychology Today

More by this author

Denise Hill

Denise shares about psychology and communication tips on Lifehack.

3 Reminders to Help You Enjoy Life Even When Life Is Tough 20 Simple Ways to Bring Positive Energy into Life Right Now Why It’s Never Too Late To Redefine Yourself 30 Best Business Podcasts That Help Entrepreneurs Become Successful Day 10 Shocking! Exercise Right After Eating Ain’t That Bad for Health

Trending in Communication

1 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way 2 How to Break Free From Negative Thinking for Good 3 15 Simple Things You Can Do to Boost Your Daily Motivation 4 How to Say No When You Know You Say Yes Too Often 5 Feeling Super Stressed? Do This Daily Routine Every Day

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on September 18, 2020

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

For the original article by Celestine: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye

Have you ever experienced moments when things just don’t go your way? For example, losing your keys, accidentally spilling your drink, waking up late, missing your buses/trains, forgetting to bring your things, and so on?

You’re not alone. All of us, myself included, experience times when things don’t go as we expect.

Here is my guide on how to deal with daily setbacks.

1. Take a step back and evaluate

When something bad happens, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Some questions to ask yourself:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. Are you the only person facing this problem in the world today?
  3. How does this problem look like at an individual level? A national level? On a global scale?
  4. What’s the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a result of this?
  5. How is it going to impact your life in the next 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Doing this exercise is not to undermine the problem or disclaiming responsibility, but to consider different perspectives, so you can adopt the best approach for it. Most problems we encounter daily may seem like huge issues when they crop up, but most, if not all, don’t have much impact in our life beyond that day.

Advertising

2. Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem

If you feel very frustrated and need to let off some steam, go ahead and do that. Talk to a friend, complain, crib about it, or scream at the top of your lungs if it makes you happy.

At the same time, don’t get caught up with venting. While venting may temporarily relieve yourself, it’s not going to solve the problem ultimately. You don’t want to be an energy vampire.

Vent if there’s a need to, but do it for 15 to 20 minutes. Then move on.

3. Realize there are others out there facing this too

Even though the situation may be frustrating, you’re not alone. Remember there are almost 7 billion people in the world today, and chances are that other people have faced the same thing before too. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

4. Process your thoughts/emotions

Process your thoughts/emotions with any of the four methods:

  1. Journal. Write your unhappiness in a private diary or in your blog. It doesn’t have to be formal at all – it can be a brain dump on rough paper or new word document. Delete after you are done.
  2. Audio taping. Record yourself as you talk out what’s on your mind. Tools include tape recorder, your PC (Audacity is a freeware for recording/editing audio) and your mobile (most mobiles today have audio recording functions). You can even use your voice mail for this. Just talking helps you to gain awareness of your emotions. After recording, play back and listen to what you said. You might find it quite revealing.
  3. Meditation. At its simplest form, meditation is just sitting/lying still and observing your reality as it is – including your thoughts and emotions. Some think that it involves some complex mambo-jumbo, but it doesn’t.
  4. Talking to someone. Talking about it with someone helps you work through the issue. It also gets you an alternate viewpoint and consider it from a different angle.

5. Acknowledge your thoughts

Don’t resist your thoughts, but acknowledge them. This includes both positive and negative thoughts.

By acknowledging, I mean recognizing these thoughts exist. So if say, you have a thought that says, “Wow, I’m so stupid!”, acknowledge that. If you have a thought that says, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again”, acknowledge that as well.

Advertising

Know that acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s simply recognizing the existence of said thoughts so that you can stop resisting yourself and focus on the situation on hand.

6. Give yourself a break

If you’re very stressed out by the situation, and the problem is not time sensitive, then give yourself a break. Take a walk, listen to some music, watch a movie, or get some sleep. When you’re done, you should feel a lot more revitalized to deal with the situation.

7. Uncover what you’re really upset about

A lot of times, the anger we feel isn’t about the world. You may start off feeling angry at someone or something, but at the depth of it, it’s anger toward yourself.

Uncover the root of your anger. I have written a five part anger management series on how to permanently overcome anger.

After that, ask yourself: How can you improve the situation? Go to Step #9, where you define your actionable steps. Our anger comes from not having control on the situation. Sitting there and feeling infuriated is not going to change the situation. The more action we take, the more we will regain control over the situation, the better we will feel.

8. See this as an obstacle to be overcome

As Helen Keller once said,

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

Whatever you’re facing right now, see it as an obstacle to be overcome. In every worthy endeavor, there’ll always be countless obstacles that emerge along the way. These obstacles are what separate the people who make it, and those who don’t. If you’re able to push through and overcome them, you’ll emerge a stronger person than before. It’ll be harder for anything to get you down in the future.

9. Analyze the situation – Focus on actionable steps

In every setback, there are going to be things that can’t be reversed since they have already occurred. You want to focus on things that can still be changed (salvageable) vs. things that have already happened and can’t be changed. The only time the situation changes is when you take steps to improve it. Rather than cry over spilt milk, work through your situation:

  1. What’s the situation?
  2. What’s stressing you about this situation?
  3. What are the next steps that’ll help you resolve them?
  4. Take action on your next steps!

After you have identified your next steps, act on them. The key here is to focus on the actionable steps, not the inactionable steps. It’s about regaining control over the situation through direct action.

10. Identify how it occurred (so it won’t occur again next time)

A lot of times we react to our problems. The problem occurs, and we try to make the best out of what has happened within the context. While developing a healthy coping mechanism is important (which is what the other helping points are on), it’s also equally important, if not more, to understand how the problem arose. This way, you can work on preventing it from taking place next time, vs. dealing reactively with it.

Most of us probably think the problem is outside of our control, but reality is most of the times it’s fully preventable. It’s just a matter of how much responsibility you take over the problem.

For example, for someone who can’t get a cab for work in the morning, he/she may see the problem as a lack of cabs in the country, or bad luck. However, if you trace to the root of the problem, it’s probably more to do with (a) Having unrealistic expectations of the length of time to get a cab. He/she should budget more time for waiting for a cab next time. (b) Oversleeping, because he/she was too tired from working late the previous day. He/she should allocate enough time for rest next time. He/she should also pick up better time management skills, so as to finish work in lesser time.

11. Realize the situation can be a lot worse

No matter how bad the situation is, it can always be much worse. A plus point vs. negative point analysis will help you realize that.

Advertising

12. Do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it

No matter how bad your situation may seem, do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it. Life is too beautiful to worry so much over daily issues. Take a step back (#1), give yourself a break if you need to (#6), and do what you can within your means (#9). Everything else will unfold accordingly. Worrying too much about the outcome isn’t going to change things or make your life any better.

13. Pick out the learning points from the encounter

There’s something to learn from every encounter. What have you learned from this situation? What lessons have you taken away?

After you identify your learning points, think about how you’re going to apply them moving forward. With this, you’ve clearly gained something from this encounter. You’ve walked away a stronger, wiser, better person, with more life lessons to draw from in the future.

Get the manifesto version of this article: [Manifesto] What To Do When Things Don’t Go Your Way

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

Read Next