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Finding Hope For Childless Couples: Understanding Options For Fertility Treatment

Finding Hope For Childless Couples: Understanding Options For Fertility Treatment

Babies and children are everywhere. And while it is, of course, a massively happy event when friends or family members happily announce they are about to start or grow their family, the painful truth is that pregnancy is not as easily achievable for every couple who wants a family. And many couples can find themselves in a difficult and upsetting situation where they may have to find that having a family will not be possible for them at all.

Today however, the situation is not as bleak as it was some years ago. Now couples facing a struggle to start a family either medically or biologically have options available to them. Remaining childless or having an incomplete family does not always have to be the only option anymore.

This article will take away the mystery and confusion about fertility treatment and help you have the family you’ve always dreamed of having. Each option is different and a clinician will ultimately be the best person to help you select the right path to take. However, it may help you to understand a little more about the options beforehand and what is involved with each.

In vitro fertilization (IVF)

IVF is a process proven by considerable amount of time. It has been almost forty years since the birth of the first baby, Louise Brown in 1978, in a process created by Nobel Prize winner Robert G. Edwards. Often known as “test tube babies”, there are well over five million children born by this process.

The IVF process involves eggs being extracted from the donor and fertilized in the lab with the partner’s sperm before being implanted in the uterus.

Before the process, your doctor will monitor your ovaries and the timing of the egg release, ensuring that your ovaries are producing eggs, and that your hormone levels are normal. It is normal to take fertility drugs during IVF. These are used to stimulate the ovaries into producing eggs, which is crucial to the process because having more than one egg available will increase the chances of becoming pregnant. In the case that the woman cannot produce eggs, it is possible to use a donor to supply eggs to make IVF possible.

The process may cause some discomfort, but generally no pain is felt and the process can be completed quickly. Typically, it will take between four to six weeks to complete a single IVF cycle and it may take two or three attempts before pregnancy occurs. However, after this, it is a normal pregnancy.

Fertility treatment - IVF

    Pros and Cons of IVF

    As with any fertility treatment, there is not a 100% guarantee of success. The success rate is dependent upon age with younger women being more likely to have a successful pregnancy via IVF. The chart below displays the success rate of IVF procedures in women by age.

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    Fertility Treatment - IVF Success Rates
      IVF Success Rates

      As you can see from the graph, the success rate drops off at higher ages. However, IVF can still be an option for older women to become pregnant.

      One of the potential advantages of IVF is it allows screening of donors not only for genetic conditions, but also for the selection of characteristics, including ethnicity and physical attributes.

      The average cost of IVF is $12,000 to $30,000 per cycle and in most cases, up to three cycles are required for a successful pregnancy.

      Fertility drugs

      Women with infertility issues may be suitable to use fertility drugs, which work by causing your body to release reproductive hormones that control the ovulation process. Fertility drugs can be effective with a success rate of about 40–50% in women who ovulate, helping them get pregnant typically within three cycles. They are often used as a first option for women who have fertility issues.

      Fertility Treatment - Drugs

        Fertility drugs should be avoided if the recipient has damaged Fallopian tubes or endometriosis.

        A course of treatment can cost between $10 – $100 per month for pills, or up to $6,000 per month for a course of injections. Generally, it will take between three to six months before either conception occurs or another treatment should be considered.

        Fertility drugs can cause more than one egg to develop in a process called multiple gestation. This can affect 1 in 3 women who are taking the treatment.

        Surgery

        Surgery may be used in cases when there are blocked Fallopian tubes, to remove endometriosis tissue, to treat PCOS, or for other anatomical abnormalities. It can also increase the chances of becoming pregnant using natural conception.

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        The success of any surgical procedure depends on the damage to the Fallopian tubes. There is an estimate that between 21–59% of women who undergo Fallopian tube surgery and 40% who undergo laparoscopic surgery do conceive. In addition to the usual risks associated with surgery, there is a small risk of an ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg implants outside of the womb.

        The cost for surgical procedures varies depending on the surgery required and can be between $2,000 and $10,000.

        Fertility Treatment - Surgery

          Artificial Insemination

          This is a process where sperm is deposited directly into the uterus using a thin catheter in a process called intrauterine insemination (IUI). Artificial insemination is especially used when the couple are unable to have vaginal sex, perhaps due to disability or for same-sex couples.

          For a woman to undergo successful artificial insemination, her Fallopian tubes, which connect the ovaries to the womb, must be open and healthy because this is where the sperm will fertilize the egg and how the embryo moves down into the womb. The Fallopian tubes can be checked using a laparoscopy where a fiber optic camera is inserted through a small cut in the stomach. Alternatively, an X-ray or an ultrasound may be used.

          The success rate for artificial insemination depends on age. There is usually a 10% to 20% chance of conception per cycle. However, this increases to 60-70% with six cycles of treatment. The average cost is $865 per cycle.

          Doctors may recommend fertility drugs in addition to the procedure to ensure a safe pregnancy. As with other fertility treatments, artificial insemination can increase the chance of multiple births.

          Intrafallopian Transfers

          There are two main types of intrafallopian transfers:

          • Gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT): the egg and sperm are placed in the Fallopian tubes to allow fertilization to occur naturally.
          • Zygote intrafallopian transfer (ZIFT): multiple eggs are collected from the ovaries and mixed with sperm. During ZIFT, fertilization occurs in a lab and the zygotes (fertilized eggs) are inserted in the Fallopian tubes rather than the uterus, which is the main difference between ZIFT and IVF.

          Intrafallopian transfers can be used in cases when the woman’s Fallopian tubes aren’t blocked or damaged and the man has a low sperm count, or there are problems with the sperm in general. It is also used where there the couple object to IVF, for example, for religious reasons or where previous attempts at IVF have failed to result in pregnancy.

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          It will typically take 4 to 6 weeks to complete one cycle at a cost of between $15,000 and $25,000 per cycle. Again the success rate varies with age, but generally it is around 22%. The process is considered more invasive than IVF as it does require use of a laparoscope inserted through a small cut in the stomach.

          Surrogacy

          Surrogacy is when another woman carries and gives birth to a baby for a couple who otherwise could not have a child. The surrogate becomes pregnant either via IVF using the intended parents’ embryo, or through artificial insemination using either the father’s sperm or a donor’s sperm.

          Surrogacy has one of the highest success rates when there is a healthy egg, sperm, and surrogate. However, it can take about one and a half years to complete the process of matching, IVF, and pregnancy. The cost of the process varies between $130,000 and $200,000.

          The surrogacy process allows for extensive screening where you can select a surrogate that will provide the best match and be the best surrogate to carry your baby.

          In addition to surrogacy being suitable for couples who are unable to safely carry a pregnancy to full term, it can also allow gay couples to have children. In the US, there are specific LGBT surrogacy agencies who can provide advice and assistance through the process.

          How to approach fertility treatment as a couple

          Of course, fertility treatment is more than just a surgical procedure or arrangement for surrogacy. It is vital that the emotions involved with any form of treatment be considered and that the emotional stress not be overlooked for couples involved.

          Amanda and her husband had been trying to conceive for over a year before they were referred for treatment. They found her husband had a low sperm count and so IVF was suggested as a way to have the family they so desired.

          “Finding out was awful and came close to breaking us apart. I could not envision going through the ordeal of treatments and Tony just felt like a failure.” However, Amanda found the medical staff were able to provide the support they needed. “The medical people were very good at telling me all the stages and everything involved. I also found online communities to find out more details.”

          After the initial trepidation, they went ahead with the procedure and she found that approaching it together helped and built a stronger relationship between them. “We got through it and thankfully, we were lucky by having our daughter with our first treatment. We became a great team.”

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          Of course, not everyone can be as lucky as Amanda and Tony were with being successful in the first cycle. It was a truth she learned herself as they tried for a sibling and had two failed cycles. “We hit the rocks again as we both felt like failures. It was pretty tough,” she recalled. Thankfully, their next cycle was a success and they have two beautiful children to show for it.

          Amanda has the following advice for couples facing fertility treatment: “Get as much advice as possible. You need to remember to never play the blame game. It’s no one’s fault you’re going through treatment. It’s no one’s fault if your treatment does not work first time. Remaining positive is the only way to get through it.”

          Preparing for fertility treatment

          Your doctor or specialist can help you find the best fertility treatment for you. However, there are things you can do before you attend your first meeting to ensure they have the clearest information to help you.

          • Keep a detailed chart noting when your periods start and finish. You can use a spreadsheet or one of the many apps to help you record information.
          • Record if/when you are ovulating.
          • If you experience any pain or PMT.
          • Note how often you are having sex with your partner and when this takes place in your cycle. This will give your gynecologist vital clues to your whole cycle, which will help in the choice of the fertility treatment that will be best suited for you.

          Other things you can do to help your fertility include reviewing your diet to give you the best chance of conceiving. Look closely at your alcohol intake and give up smoking, strive to eat healthily with lots of fruit and vegetables, and, if either of you are overweight, see if you can lose a little. Even a 10% weight loss can greatly improve chances of successful conception. Think about possibly going to the gym together. It is a great way to spend time together and it will build up your stamina for when you do have children!

          Children for LGBT couples

          Only in recent years has the option been available for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people to raise their own biological children. Scientific research conducted by organizations like the American, Australian and Canadian Psychological Associations consistently show that gay and lesbian parents are as fit and capable as heterosexual parents to raise children and that their children are as psychologically healthy and well-adjusted as those reared by heterosexual parents.

          There is the option of adoption and fostering, as well as surrogacy and IVF for couples.

          The United States supports commercial surrogacy for same-sex couples and in the states where it is supported, there is support for surrogacy contracts and automatically naming the couple as the legal parents of the unborn child.

          In conclusion

          Just because you are struggling to conceive does not mean that you will never have a family of your own one day. As you can see, there are numerous tried and tested options available. Take the time to speak to your specialist.

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          Published on January 24, 2020

          5 Ways to Improve Your Parenting Skills (Psychology-Backed)

          5 Ways to Improve Your Parenting Skills (Psychology-Backed)

          There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Parenting is hard. It takes a great deal of effort to be even a decent parent. My husband and I are raising our three children ages 6, 6, and 7.

          Yes, I have my hands full. Twin six-year-old boys and a seven-year-old girl keep me on my parenting toes, so to speak. It is not easy, but I do my best to be a good parent. Having a PhD in psychology is helpful, but I still devour plenty of parenting books and research articles to continually try to do better. I am still a work in progress just like all parents.

            It would be great if we knew exactly what to do and how to do it with our kids. But not all kids are the same and they are not born with a manual that provides us with instructions on how to raise them right. However, we do have research on parenting and psychology that can help us out and point us in the right direction.

            Below I have five tips on how to improve your parenting skills starting today! These tips are backed by research. The first step toward being a great parent is knowing how. It is difficult to be a good parent without knowing first and foremost the how and why.

            1. Practice Loving without Conditions

            Loving unconditionally seems like a given that we all assume we are doing as a parent. However, we may have behaviors or words spoken that undermine our ability for our children to feel unconditionally loved.

            For example, asking our child if he wants another mom when he is acting out is not practicing unconditional love. The message that is being sent to the child is that if they act out or misbehave, they are at risk of losing you as a mother, since you ask “do you want another mom” or “do you want to live somewhere else?”

            If you have ever made these statements, it doesn’t mean you are a terrible parent. However, if we want our child to feel loved unconditionally, then we need to stop saying things that make the child feel like the relationship could ever be severed because of their behavior.

            Another way to look at these threats is comparing them to threatening divorce. If you have ever been married, or lived in a home with married parents, then you know that when one person threatens divorce, it cuts to the core.

            Threatening divorce damages the relationship, because trust is lost. The other person begins to feel that that their relationship may not be forever, and that the relationship can be ended because their spouse is threatening divorce. Even if the person threatening doesn’t really mean what they are saying and they truly love their spouse, the words are damaging none the less.

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            The same principles go for parent and child relationships. If a child has been threatened with loss of their current home life, the parent leaving them, or being placed in foster care, then that child does not feel loved unconditionally. They will believe that love from their parent is contingent on their behavior. It is conditional love which means that they are only loved under certain conditions.

            My son Charlie has recently gotten into the habit of saying “I love you Mom” every time that he gets in trouble. He kicked the dog the other day. Not hard, but nevertheless he kicked our family dog. I was fuming. I yelled at him and he was sent to his room for a long time out (I know the yelling was not a good thing to do). I couldn’t even think of a consequence in the heat of the moment so I said “go to your room, I don’t want to see you right now, I will think about your consequence later.”

            He cried, and as he was running up the stairs and he was saying “I love you Mommy, I love you Mommy, I love you Mommy.” Why was he saying that? Because in his six-year-old mind, he is worried that I will stop loving him if he has bad behavior.

            Kids don’t know that we love them unconditionally. They are learning though and we must teach them that we do. My response in this situation and always is to say “I love you too.” I then usually follow it up with “I don’t like your behavior right now, but I will always love you.”

            Kids need to be told that they are loved regardless of their behavior. It needs to be ingrained that they are loved even if they act out, break the rules, or misbehave.

            An article by Elite Daily examined several research studies on unconditional love.[1] The findings from these studies showed that children become more well-adjusted, emotionally healthy, and physically healthy adults when they experience unconditional love in childhood. When children are exposed to conditional love in their parent-child relationship, the research showed that, children have higher levels of anxiety which in turn negatively affects their long-range health, such as heart health.

            Loving unconditionally means loving without conditions. Unconditional love is loving someone just the way that they are, flaws and all. Tell your children that you love them, even when they break the rules, misbehave, or they tell you that they hate you (most kids say this to their parents at some point in time).

            You must always respond with “I love you regardless of your behavior.” It doesn’t mean that you are accepting or allowing the bad behavior. There should always be reasonable consequences to match the behavior. However, they shouldn’t ever be made to feel that the love of their parent can be revoked because of bad behaviors.

            2. Develop a Bond That Will Last a Lifetime by Creating Memories

            You need to spend time with your kids in order to create a bond. Quality time matters, but so does quantity time.

            Kids want to be with their parents. Spend time together as a family. For example, make it a point to have dinner at the kitchen or dining room table at least a few nights a week. Make a rule that no technology is allowed at the table during that time, so that you can talk and spend time together.

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            Before you know it, that child will be grown and out of your home. Take the time to spend meal times together, talking and truly getting to know your child before they leave your home as an adult.

            Barking Up the Wrong Tree looked at research on how to create happy memories that last a lifetime. Some of the things discovered in the research included:[2]

            • Memories are made when our senses and emotions are elevated.
            • If we are pulling out the camera phone, it is likely an elevated experience that you want to remember.
            • Celebrating milestones and praiseworthy moments (graduations, winning seasons, etc.) helps to create positive lasting memories.
            • Struggling together creates a bond. If you have worked through conflict in your relationship and made it better in the process then you have created a bond. Fraternities haze, soldier fight together, and families overcome struggles together. These all make for lasting bonds. When you struggle together as a family, celebrate the success at the end of your victory, once you have overcome the challenge together.

            Take the time to make memories with your children. They are only little once. Go on those vacations, hike to the top of a mountain together, sail across an ocean, go camping, or teach them to ice-skate.

            Do anything and everything that will help create memories, bonds, and experiences that will last a lifetime in their memory. Those memories are what will carry them into old age with happiness in their heart.

            3. Stop the Yelling

            Yelling at our kids is not good parenting. Yet it is still happening on regular basis in most homes. I admit, I am still continually working on this one. I think this quote summarizes the situation.

              However, I know I need to continually work to not yell or raise my voice, as I would prefer a household with zero voices ever raised.

              Yelling causes our children to become anxious. It also affects them emotionally and mentally in a negative manner. If you have ever been yelled at by a boss or superior, you probably remember it and it is not a fond memory. It made you feel bad. It is hard enough to be reprimanded in a calm voice.

              When someone, whether adult or child, is yelled at while being reprimanded it causes anxiety, stress, and negative emotions to abound. When the yelling involves name calling or insults it becomes emotional abuse.

              Heathline Parenthood examined research on the topic of yelling and found that parents who yell at their kids end up with children who are more aggressive verbally and physically.[3] Children learn from their parents’ example. If yelling is a regular occurrence in your household, then your child is learning that when dealing with behavior or situations that they don’t like, it is appropriate to yell. None of us want to teach that to our children, so we must take action to stop the yelling.

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              Healthline provides some tips on how to stop yelling:

              • Know what triggers the yelling. What are the behaviors occurring or situations where you find yourself yelling at your children?
              • When you feel that you are going to yell, give yourself a time out or count to ten.
              • Practice responding in a calm, even tone. Practice makes the action a habit.
              • If you do yell, then admit the mistake and apologize to your child. They will then learn that it is not an acceptable behavior and that they too should apologize if they make a mistake and end up yelling. (Yes, I apologized to Charlie for yelling and he had to apologize to our dog Max.)

              My article about yelling less at your kids less is also helpful: The Only Effective Way to Talk With Children When They Are Acting Out. This article outlines the steps to use the “one-ask” parenting approach. This approach is used to help parents follow up with consequences more quickly so that situations don’t escalate to worse behavior by the children and yelling from the parents. Some tips from this article on talking to your children without yelling include the following.

              • Get on their level, talking face to face in a calm voice.
              • Don’t make repeated threats about a consequence that is coming to them and wait for the situation to become more heated.
              • Follow through with the consequence (i.e. loss of playtime or time-out) immediately after they violate your warning. Don’t wait for them to repeat the bad behavior several more times. One warning is all that is needed. Then, if they break the rule or don’t obey, the consequence should be immediately implemented.

              If you find that your yelling is so entrenched in your daily behaviors that you have a hard time kicking the habit and you need more support, then buy, or find at your local library, the book Triggers by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake. Their tips were even featured on the Focus on the Family national radio program and were rated as a number one show for 2019. Their gentle parenting methods simply work.

              A quote from the book:

              “Peacemaking moms produce peacemaking kids.”

              Wendy and Amber also have a Facebook group that is free to join. It is Gentle Parenting with Amber and Wendy. In this group, you will find thousands of other parents looking for support to yell less in their homes. Check out the group if you want more connected support to stop yelling at your kids. I am a member of this group too. Nobody is perfect, but we can do better as parents by yelling less starting today.

              4. Provide Experiences Over Toys

              Toys are fun. But our kids don’t need an excess of overcomplicated, electronic, and expensive toys in order to be happy or develop in a healthy manner. Focusing on experiences over toys is a way to improve as a parent now.

              The next holiday or birthday that comes up, think about gifting your child an experience, for example, a year membership to the children’s museum or zoo. Another experience is a trip to someplace interesting such as a National Park. These experiences help to create memories. They also help to make your child a more well rounded individual as they are out in the world experiencing activities rather than sitting in their room playing the newest video game.

              Motherly posted a recent article that delved into the science that experiences are better for our kids than toys. Here is a quote from that article that is worth noting.[4]

              And if we need one more reason to cool it on the toy giving, researchers have discovered that gratitude and generosity increase when experiences are given instead of objects. Thomas Gilovich, a psychology professor at Cornell University, conducted many studies over many decades and found that happiness is derived from experiences, not things. Bottom line: The happiness derived from a childhood experience is far more significant than the fleeting excitement of toys under the Christmas tree. Giving experiences that involve spending time together instead of gifting toys brings greater and longer-lasting joy. Don’t stress about the number of toys, mama. Focus on making memories.

              Creating family experiences and making memories go hand-in-hand. Our money and resources get more bang for their buck when they are used on experiences for the family instead of things. The research from the Motherly article shows that families are happier overall when they have more experiences together and less toys.

              5. Let Them Play and Be a Child

              Play and childhood development go hand-in-hand. However, the amount of playtime our children are getting has been diminishing in recent decades.

              We are so intent on our children learning, that we take away from their playtime. Play is learning. We need to get our children back to basic playtime so they can develop and learn in a natural way.

              Increase their playtime and limit the electronics. Research by Very Well Family found that too much technology is damaging to our children.[5] When children get too much time on electronic devices, their research found that children have sleep issues, obesity, behavior problems, academic problems, and emotional issues. Limit your children’s time on technology.

              According to We Can, we need to aim for less than two of screen time per day for our school aged children. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends far less time for children under the age of five. We Can offers a free screen time chart so you can track your child’s time on digital devices.

              The goal is to get children playing and off the technology. Playing will help them developmentally. In my book Let Them Play, I explain the importance of play and provide 100 child developmental play activities. Some great play activities that promote development and learning that are listed in the book including Play Doh, magnet blocks, Legos, puppet shows, and hopscotch.

              Parents can teach their children different play activities while they actively play with their children. Fifteen or twenty minutes of playtime together can help to create bonding time between parent and child. Then the parent can allow their children to continue playing the activity on their own. This play time is crucial to the child’s healthy social, emotional, physical, and cognitive development.

              They are only little once. Let them be a child when they are little. Two-year-old children aren’t meant to sit at desks for hours completing school work. They were made to play, explore, and be active physically. This is how they learn and develop best.

              Final Thoughts

              These are not the only ways to improve as a parent. However, these are five ways that you can begin improving as a parent starting today.

              Nobody is a perfect parent, which means we all have room for improvement. Look at your own parenting methods objectively and decide where you can improve. Then do something about it.

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              Featured photo credit: Jonathan Daniels via unsplash.com

              Reference

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