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4 Healthy Changes that Come from Ending a Toxic Relationship

4 Healthy Changes that Come from Ending a Toxic Relationship

A meaningful relationship tends to plant its roots very deep in the lives of two people, and it doesn’t stop there, because its influence also extends to families and social life. When those roots are ripped out of the little universe these two people tried so hard to create, things can get really messy.

Ending a long relationship is ugly, no matter what kind of person you are. In my case, it was six years of love and sharing and a bonus year of hatred and hurt. There were dark moments after our breakup when I thought it wasn’t worth it because it was too much anger and frustrations in the end, and both of us were left with deep scars that still haven’t healed.

Although I didn’t believe this – time does heal, and for some, it may take longer to get back on their feet, but it does happen eventually. However, it won’t happen on its own and it’s not simple – it involves a lot of hard work and you need to do it by yourself, because no one else will.

1. Back to Independence

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    Sharing your life with another person can be very beneficial for both sides – managing incomes, planning the future and helping each other out is a wonderful thing, but it does imply mutual trust and that you’ll depend on another person. Both have a tendency to fade out when a relationship has ended.

    Fear is a great factor when the relationship comes to an end – at least it was for me. I completely lost all faith in my skills and my confidence was in the negative spectrum for longer than I’d care to admit. That being said, my decision was impacted by me being afraid that I’m not capable of being on my own.

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    Naturally, that isn’t something I realized right away – it was buried somewhere in my subconscious. Therefore, the very first piece of advice I’d like to give to anyone who’s ending a relationship that became poisonous for both parties is not to run away from solitude and treat it not as being alone but as being independent.

    I’m sure you must remember how excited you were when you first left your parents’ home to make it on your own. Well, this is a chance for another fresh start. Besides, if you can’t trust yourself, chances are you can’t really trust anyone.

    2. Introspection and Growth

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      I was able to see some clarity just before we decided to take different paths in the very next intersection because a single thought filled my mind. I don’t know if I read or heard it sometime earlier, but it came to my memory in the right moment – I won’t get anywhere if I continue repeating the same actions and continue expecting different results.

      The thing is that I did everything in my power to save what we had, but that still wasn’t possible because we were so deep in a rut that we couldn’t help each other out, no matter how much we tried. I was constantly angry with him, and me as well, because it wasn’t clear to me how two smart people who love each other very much can be that helpless.

      The worst feeling I ever experienced is having my hands tied. It seemed like anywhere I move and get my hopes up just for a bit, and it turns out I’m actually going two steps backward. That’s just frustrating, to say the least.

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      Unfortunately, I know a few couples who happen to be my close friends, who have gone through the same things and I had their example (not) to follow. Some of them became impossibly ignorant to the world around them and being unable to realize that their disappointment made them dull, while others fell into despair and started questioning everything because of their insecurities.

      Instead of doing any of those two extremes, I tried to turn to developing introspectiveness. That’s a lie actually; during the first period, I was all about not thinking about the relationship at all, because that made me feel depressed. After that was over, I started thinking about what actually happened. What were the events that lead us to the point of no return?

      I’m not speaking about nostalgia and crying over spilled milk – I tried to use retrospection to my advantage and learn from my own mistakes so that (hopefully) I never have to repeat them again. I’d say this method was fairly successful and that I was able to grow as a person.

      3. You Become Stronger

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        Which brings me to my next point – co-dependence implies weakness. I understand that this might sound a bit bitter, but I have my reasons to be resentful and question this whole philosophy that stands behind monogamy and everything that goes with it.

        My ex and I made a mistake in the very beginning because we started a relationship where there were no adults – we were just a couple of immature children, nothing more. I wouldn’t even dare to deny we had a couple of golden years when we worked as a well-coordinated team and when every problem we encountered was simple to solve. We were each other’s gravity and just being able to feel that kind of connection makes everything that came afterward worth the trouble.

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        However, growing into an adult isn’t easy when you should be one already, and taking responsibility for things that happened in your life feels like being cornered. Obviously, it’s necessary for you to give yourself time to mourn the possible future that’s never going to happen, but you also need to realize that it’s not like anyone died.

        So, you have two different choices here (although only one of them is the right one) – you can either spend the rest of your life as a shadow of a real live person, or you can come out of this stronger and more powerful than you ever were. A variety in experience makes us tough; I know this doesn’t sound very comforting right now, but the fact is that you can learn from this and go into the next relationship prepared for whatever’s coming.

        I read somewhere recently how a significant percentage of relationships are doomed to failure because the two people involved in it spend way too much time and effort working on their other half and thus they neglect themselves, their future individually, and the plans they made as a couple. In order for a relationship to work out, two people need to stand firm on the ground before entering a serious relationship – you shouldn’t be each other’s project, you know. The only project you should be working on is building a future together.

        4. Time to Work on Yourself

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          And now, I’d like for you to be realistic and ask you this one question – what would your future be like if you stayed together? Many couples fool themselves by taking drastic measures in times of despair, like moving in together, getting married and even having kids, in the hope that they will solve their problems.

          All of the aforementioned are temporary solutions which can create an illusion of happiness for a month, a year, or a couple of years at best. If you do have a good reason to break up, something that simply makes you unhappy, you shouldn’t try to cover it up with life changes.

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          Being uncertain of yourself and the decisions you make will reflect on your relationship sooner or later, and trying to sweep the dirt under a brand new carpet doesn’t mean that the nasty will go away. As a matter of fact, it will only multiply and become even more difficult to clean up in time.

          Whether you decide to treat it as a gift or a curse, you are now single and you should use this time to become everything you always wanted to be. Your focus is now on you and you alone, and the vision of your future self is yet to be fashioned; this is something terrifying, difficult and exciting, all at the same time.

          A breakup shouldn’t define who you are, nor should it control your future. Relationships past should be there to make you learn what you really want and teach you not to settle for anything. Be that partner you want for yourself and the pieces of the puzzle will fall in their place eventually.

          Featured photo credit: https://unsplash.com/photos/fk3XUcfTAvk via pexels.com

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          Last Updated on July 15, 2019

          41 Beautiful Pictures That Show What True Love Is All About

          41 Beautiful Pictures That Show What True Love Is All About

          Some things in life are hard to describe, yet we can recognize them when we see them.

          Love is one of those things.

          True love comes in many different forms, but here are some that many of us know well.

          True love means supporting those who can’t support themselves

          supportive couple

            A young man comforts his date in Times Square, New York City. Image by mbtrama

            strong hug

              A young man holds his significant other close to him. Image by Brad Fults

              running help

                A young track competitor helps one of her injured opponents over the finish line. Image from ViralNova.com

                feeding kitten

                  A soldier in the Korean War takes time to feed a baby kitten. Image from US Naval Insititute

                  It’s having the perfect selfie partner

                  mom and daughter selfie

                    A mother and her daughter take a selfie together. Image by Andrew Fysh

                    girlfriends

                      Two young girls pose for the camera. Image by Rolands Lakis

                      selfies

                        A happy couple takes a picture together. Image by Kayla Heineman

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                        selfie

                          Two best friends take a selfie together. Image by Jason Wahido

                          dude selfie

                            Friends take a selfie together. Image by Glenn Scofield Williams

                            It’s all the warm fuzzies

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                              A young man spends time with his dog on a beach. Image by Magdalena Roeseler

                              DSC06952

                                A pet owner hugs his dog while on a day trip in San Francisco. Image by Taro the Shiba Inu

                                It means having a friend to photobomb you

                                photobomb

                                  A boy makes a funny face as he poses for a picture with his brother. Image by Michael Bentley

                                  old man photobomb

                                    A man photobombs his wife while their grandson snaps a picture. Image by Frank

                                    family photobomb

                                      Family members photobomb their relatives’ Thanksgiving day family photo. Image by Beth Scupham

                                      boyfriend photobomb

                                        A friend photobombs the photographer and their friend, the woman in the foreground of this photo. Image by Lachlan Hardy

                                        True love means being there even when life gets unbearably hard

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                                        shoulder to cry on

                                          A family watches the Vermont National Guard depart for Afghanistan. Image by The U.S. Army

                                          flood dog

                                            During a monsoon in the Philippines, a boy carries his dog to safety. Image by Romeo Ranoco

                                            A woman is rescued from flood waters by a resident standing on top of her car during heavy rain in Chalandri suburb north of Athens

                                              A man helps a woman out of her vehicle during a flood in Chalandri, Greece. Image by John Kolesidis

                                              lunch

                                                A woman has lunch with her husband every day, even after he’s passed away. Image from ViralNova.com

                                                hug

                                                  A woman hugs the mother of 6-year-old Noah Ponzer, who was one of the victims of the Sandy Hook shootings. Image by Spencer Platt

                                                  rubble

                                                    An Oklahoma couple pauses while trying to salvage belongings from a family member’s home after a tornado. Image by Adrees Latif

                                                    sister and brother

                                                      A girl puts her arm around her little brother as they wait outside of Sandy Hook Elementary after gunshots are fired. Image by Reuters.

                                                      headstone

                                                        A woman sits at her husband’s grave the day before their wedding anniversary. Image from NBC news

                                                        It means taking the time for long goodbyes

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                                                          A man says goodbye to his son before deploying. Image by Official U.S. Navy Page

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                                                          national guard goodbye

                                                            A South Carolina man says goodbye to his son before deploying for Afghanistan. Image by The National Guard

                                                            saying goodbye

                                                              A Sergeant hugs both of his sons before being deployed to Afghanistan. Image by The National Guard

                                                              And cherishing reunions

                                                              husband home

                                                                A woman hugs her husband as she sees him for the first time since his deployment to Iraq. Image by The U.S. Army

                                                                boyfriend home

                                                                  A young  woman hugs her significant other as he returns home for Kuwait. Image by The National Guard

                                                                  mother hug

                                                                    A mother drops to her knees as she hugs her son on her return home from the Persian Gulf. Image by The National Guard

                                                                    True love is letting yourself feel young when they’re around

                                                                    elderly women

                                                                      Two friends on their smartphones. Image by Robert Neff

                                                                      feeling young

                                                                        A young couple getting their picture taken. Image by db Photograph

                                                                        sprinkler dad

                                                                          A father plays in a sprinkler with his daughter at Millennium Park in Chicago. Image by Ben Forsberg

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                                                                          subway couple

                                                                            A young couple on a subway enjoys sharing time together, while the girlfriend’s father sneaks a photo of them. Image by Gareth Williams

                                                                            wheelchairs

                                                                              A couple holds hands on a fall day. Image by David Amsler

                                                                              It’s letting yourself be silly… just because they’ll enjoy it

                                                                              silly faces

                                                                                A grandfather makes faces at the camera with his granddaughters. Image by Tim Pierce

                                                                                vote for pedro

                                                                                  A woman’s father wears a Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt to make his daughter laugh. Image by emdot

                                                                                  True love is allowing yourself to show how you really feel

                                                                                  date night

                                                                                    A young couple kisses in the back of a restaurant in Washington, D.C. Image by Derek Key

                                                                                    playing violin

                                                                                      Violinist Nancy Dinovo plays at a memorial service for the victims of 9/11. Image by Christopher Morris

                                                                                      True love is timeless

                                                                                      old friends

                                                                                        Friends spending some time together. Image by Cristian Bortes

                                                                                        sitting around a fire

                                                                                          A group of friends sits around a campfire eating. Image by New Old Stock

                                                                                          elderly couple

                                                                                            An elderly couple walks down a street together. Image by Matteo Paciotti

                                                                                            Featured photo credit: Matteo Paciotti via flickr.com

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