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3 Hacks To Help You Deepen A Conversation And Get To Know Someone Better

3 Hacks To Help You Deepen A Conversation And Get To Know Someone Better

Introducing yourself to someone, networking with people, making a friend, arguing with someone – all these human interactions begin with one simple thing: conversation. Without a conversation, two people would never get to know about each other, or learn if the other is compatible or not.

Conversations are important. They let you express your feelings. They help you understand what the other person is trying to say. They let you know if the other person is a kind, generous and helpful human being, or just a nasty and mean person. But sometimes it is difficult to have a meaningful conversation. We are unsure how to proceed and what to say. It can seem like a daunting task. So here are three hacks to deepen the conversation with another person to get to know them better.

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Share a mutual interest

One of the best ways to start and deepen a conversation is to find a mutual interest. It could be anything, starting from the most common topics like movies, actors, a new restaurant, or something more serious like politics or global affairs. Whichever it is, having something common helps people to bond over this shared interest, and allows deeper conversation, than to just continue with small talk. For example, I became best friends with a guy in university while talking about Pokemon. So discovering the topics to bond over and have a conversation with can come from anywhere.

When you talk about a topic that both participants in a conversation has interest in, it becomes easier to feel companionship towards the other person. It helps you feel relaxed and allows you to be happy. This in turn affects what you think about the other person’s character. If the other person has a similar interest on a topic like you, it tends to make that person more likable.

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Rant

This seems like an odd way to have a conversation, but hear me out first. Ranting occurs when you feel stressed out about something. When you are feeling unhappy and need someone to listen to you, having a rant can often lead to having a deep conversation. When you are upset and you keep talking about your negative feelings, you can judge you is actually lending you an ear, and who is just pretending. This helps in differentiating between different people’s characters. Also, ranting helps you let out steam and feel lighter.

One of my present best friends emerged when we used to rant together about university and studies. When you rant about something, judging by the other person’s reactions, you can tell if they are also into it in the same as you are. When you are annoyed about something and you discover that another person also feels the same way about the same thing, then having that conversation helps you feel less alone and provide a sense of belonging.

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For example, any time I got frustrated with problems in classes, I would rant with this other girl who was in the same year as me. Over time, we developed a really good friendship since we both were usually in the same page, and thus could have an expressive conversation whenever we sat down for a chat. Who would have thought that all those evening rants would help so much?

Be a genuine responder

Sometimes, the reason we do not get into a deep conversation is because we forget to respond, or don’t respond genuinely. A response can be anything, giving our shoulder for the other person to cry on, listening instead of talking, trying to comprehend the other person’s point of view. Ask question, inquire about the other person’s wishes, maybe tell a personal story that you are comfortable with sharing in such a conversation. Sometimes it is better to listen to other person instead of talking. Everyone should have turns to express themselves in a conversation.

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Having a good response allows the other person to feel comfortable and open up more, and thus deepening the conversation. I have a friend with whom I don’t always have time to talk with every day. But from time to time, we decide to sit down together and have long chats over dinner or coffee. Response becomes the key here. Sometimes I talk and she listens, and then offers her sympathy or some advice. Then she starts speaking and I listen, to understand and to care. It is a mutual relation, and without having genuine responses, our conversations would not have been so deep.

Sometimes, despite following these life hacks, you may still end up with not much to say, but that’s OK. The key point is to keep trying. When you meet a like-minded person, you will notice the ease with which the conversation will flow.

Also, remember that disagreeing with someone doesn’t mean you have to be disagreeable. It is perfectly rational to not agree with all the points when having a conversation with someone, but mutual respect should still remain so as to not ending the conversation on a bad note.

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Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

More Tips on Dealing With Fake People

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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