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Why Rejection Hurts So Bad – And How To Overcome The Pain

Why Rejection Hurts So Bad – And How To Overcome The Pain

We’ve all been there. A big interview you thought you did so well, only to be told they’ve found a better fit. A heart-wrenching breakup. The boss denying our big project request. Why does hearing “no” hurt so much? And, for that matter, is there anything we can do about it?

The pain of rejection is self-inflicted

You know what I mean: Beating yourself up after getting dumped or being rejected. It’s bad enough that our brains are wired to feel pain from rejection. Scientists placed people in functional MRI machines and asked them to recall a recent rejection, and they discovered something remarkable. It activated the same areas of our brain as physical pain! That’s right – rejection causes you literal pain. Sure, it’s emotional pain, but that’s often the worst kind.

Why does our brain do this to us? Scientists believe it dates back to our time as hunter-gatherers. Back then, if you were rejected by your people, you died. You couldn’t survive alone; you needed those people closest to you. This is probably also why most people have a “herd” mentality and like to follow along with the pack rather than taking charge of their lives and actions.

Of course, rejection causes us more than some emotional pain. It hurts our self-esteem, causes us anger or sadness, and knocks us off course from feeling stability in our lives. But there’s something you need to know. Most of these side-effects are self-inflicted. We call ourselves names, tell ourselves we’re not good enough, and feel downright disgusted with ourselves. It doesn’t have to be that way!

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Use pain to your advantage

It is often in moments of extreme emotional pain that legends are born. Take Anna Wintour, for example. Anna is one of the most famous and successful magazine editors in the world. But it wasn’t always that way. She was fired from her role as a junior fashion editor at Harper’s Bazaar, long before she become the success she is today. If only they knew who they were firing!

However, she didn’t let this rejection ruin her. In fact, she now openly states her belief that “Everyone should be sacked at least once in their career because ‘perfection’ doesn’t exist.” Here’s the secret: Rejection can strengthen our mentality and contribute to our future success, if we only let it. Anna used the pain of rejection to push herself to do more with her life. Countless overs have done the same, like Tony Robbins (author, investor, and philanthropist), Howard Schultz (CEO of Starbucks), and Steve Jobs (founder of Apple).

Every one of them has overcome the pain of rejection and used it to fuel their passion for a better life. You can do the same.

3 ways to adjust your mentality to overcome rejection

You’re probably thinking: “That’s great for those people. But I’m not an Anna Wintour or a Tony Robbins. How can I possible do what they did?”

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One word: Strategies.

There are proven strategies to make a mental shift and change your outlook. Here are three you can use today:

1. Have zero tolerance for self-criticism

The first thoughts that pop into your head after a rejection are probably things like, “I’m such a loser/idiot/insert explicit word here”. You need to stop that. Right now. Most rejections, whether romantic, professional, or even social, are due to circumstance and really don’t have anything to do with you.

Maybe your partner really isn’t ready for a serious relationship and needs to take time to learn more about themselves (which everyone should do, by the way). Maybe the company you applied for needed someone with a particular skill you just didn’t have yet. Even if it is your fault, beating yourself up isn’t going to make things any better. By all means, review the situation and think about why it happened. But, don’t go to “I’m a loser” as the reason. Be more constructive than that.

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Think about things like, “I need to acquire a certain skill for this job first” or “I should give my partner the space they need and take some time to figure out more about myself.” The bottom line is this: Don’t tolerate self-criticism. Period.

Remove it from the list of things you’re willing to accept in your life. If you find yourself thinking these thoughts, tell yourself “These thoughts are self-destructive. Instead, I should think of something constructive I can do so I won’t be rejected again. I’ll see rejection as an opportunity to learn, rather than a failure on my part.

2. Bolster your self-worth

The best way to overcome the pain of rejection is to feel like you matter. In other words, you need to increase your feelings of self-worth. Stop what you’re doing right now and do this simple exercise: Write down five things you like about yourself. Things that make you a good relationship partner (e.g., you are supportive or emotionally available), a good friend (e.g., you are loyal or a good listener), or a good employee (e.g., you are responsible or have a strong work ethic).

Next, pick one of those five things and write down (physically write, don’t just say it in your head) one or two paragraphs about why that quality matters and how you could apply it in a situation like the rejection you just went through.

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3. Reach out to strengthen your social connections

People are social creatures. We’re wired to crave social interaction. The reasoning probably also stems from our time as hunters and gatherers. Whatever the reason, a lack of these social connections is sure to spread to everything in our life like a virus. It can sap our physical and emotional health and make us less productive.

Rejection hurts our feelings of belonging and thus dampers our feelings of social connections. We need to take actions to undue the damage done. When your crush doesn’t answer your calls or you just got fired from your job, call a friend or family member, and remember that your voice alone can bring happiness to others. We all have family we haven’t talked to in ages – now is a good time to call them and catch up.

It’s a win-win: You’ll bring them a happy surprise, and they’ll increase your feelings of social connection and importance.

Remember, rejection can cause a lot of pain, but most of it is self-inflicted. The best way to overcome this pain is to take actions! Do something, right now. Write out that list, call that family member, apply for more jobs – whatever. Just don’t sit in self-pity and criticize yourself. You are important. You are loved. You matter.

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Bill Widmer

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Last Updated on January 21, 2020

5 Proven Memorization Techniques to Make the Most of Your Memory

5 Proven Memorization Techniques to Make the Most of Your Memory

Do you forget stuff every now and then? Are you trying to enhance your memory but not sure how?

All you need is the right memorization techniques to make the most of your memory.

The human brain is fascinating. More specifically, the vast interconnections within our mind. Mendel Kaelen compares the human brain to a hill covered in snow,

“Think of the brain as a hill covered in snow, and thoughts as sleds gliding down that hill. As one sled after another goes down the hill a small number of main trails will appear in the snow. And every time a new sled goes down, it will be drawn into preexisting trails, almost like a magnet. In time it becomes more and more difficulty to glide down the hill on any other path or in a different direction.”

The intent of Kaelen’s discussion is to think of new ways to temporarily flatten the snow. Kaelen remarked,

“The deeply worn trails disappear, and suddenly the sled can go in other directions, exploring new landscapes and, literally, creating new pathways.”

The idea here is to temporarily rewire your brain, or as Michael Pollan remarked in How to Change Your Mind,

“The power to shake the snow globe, disrupting unhealthy patterns of thought and creating a space of flexibility-entropy-in which more salubrious patterns and narratives have an opportunity to coalesce as the snow slowly settles.”

So, how can we rewire our brain allowing deeply worn connections to disappear and new connections to form? The answer is quite simple. We must change the way we store information in our mind.

    Let’s examine 5 specific memorization techniques that will change the way you think and remember information.

    1. Build a Memory Palace

      What is it?

      The method of loci[1] (aka memory palace) is a method of memory enhancement using visualizations with the use of spatial memory. It uses familiar information about your environment to quickly recall information. It is a method that was discussed by Cicero in an ancient dialogue called De Oratore.

      How to use it?

      Ron White discusses in How to Memorize Fast and Easily: Build a Memory Palace, that it’s essentially a room or building that you have memorized and you use locations in the room to store data. Ron informs us,

      “You memorize locations in a room and then you later go back to those locations to retrieve the data that you want to remember.”

      Example

      An easy 5-step example, in the form of a Wiki, can be found at Artofmemory.com. Let’s examine the the steps:

      • Step 1. Choose a place that you know well. For example, your house or office.
      • Step 2. Plan the route and pick specific locations in your route. For example, your front door, bathroom kitchen, etc.
      • Step 3. Decide what you want to memorize. For example, geography, list of items, answers for a test, etc.
      • Step 4. Place one or two items, with a mental image, and place them in your memory palace. Exaggerate your images. For example, use nudity or crazy images forcing it to stick in your mind.
      • Step 5. Make the image into a mnemonic.

      You can learn more about this technique here: How to Build a Memory Palace to Remember More of Everything

      2. Mnemonic

        What is it?

        A mnemonic is a memory device that aids in retention and/or retrieval of information. Mnemonic systems are techniques consciously used to improve memory by helping us use information already stored in long-term memory to make memorization easier.[2]

        How to use it?

        Mnemonics make use of retrieval cues to encode information in our brain allowing for efficient storage and retrieval of the information. The trick is to learn how to easily create mnemonics. If you find that you struggle with creating your own, try the following website: Mnemonic Generator.

        Example

        I recently came across a video using mnemonics to memorize countries. Memorizing Countries using Mnemonics is a video created as an introduction to a class for using memory techniques to learn the names of countries on maps.

        I actively search for videos that provide enormous educational value, yet receive very little exposure. At the time of this writing, this video has received less than 4k views. Let’s examine the video.

        Goal: Create a mnemonic to memorize the countries in the Caribbean (just the countries you need to learn).

        Step 1. Looking at a map – write out each country (for which five were chosen).

        Cuba, Jamaica, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico.

        Step 2. Write the first letter of each country vertically.

        C

        J

        H

        D

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        P

        Step 3. Create a sentence or phrase.

        Cubs

        Just

        Hate

        Doing

        Push-ups

        Cubs just hate doing push-ups. (Cuba Jamaica Haiti Dominican Republic Puerto Rico)

        3. Mnemonic Peg System

          What is it?

          According to Artofmemory.com, a mnemonic peg system is a technique for memorizing lists and it works by memorizing a list of words that are easy to associate with the numbers they represent.[3] These objects are the pegs of the system.

          How to use it?

          The trick is to create a Number Rhyme System with each number having a rhyming mnemonic keyword.

          Example

          Let’s look at an example of a Number Rhyme System:[4]

          0 = hero

          1 = gun

          2 = shoe

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          3 = tree

          4 = door

          5 = hive

          6 = sticks

          7 = heaven

          8 = gate

          9 = line

          Another technique like the Peg system is the Number Shape System.[5] Here you are assigning mnemonic images based on the shape of the number. Watch the following video for an example of this system: Number Shape System for Memorizing Numbers.

          4. Chunking

            What is it?

            Chunking is a way to remember large bits of information by chunking them into smaller pieces of information. We are more likely to then remember the information when we put the small pieces back together to see the entire picture.

            How to use it?

            In the video Chunking – A Learning Technique, we can see that there are several ways to chunk information.

            Example

            Let’s examine a simple example using a nine-digit number.

            Step 1. What is the number you are trying to remember?

            081127882

            Step 2. Cut the number into smaller pieces through chunking.

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            081 – 127 – 882

            Let’s look at one more example from the same video.

            “Piano teachers will first demonstrate an entire song to students. They will then ask their students to practice one measure at a time. Once the part has been learned and the neural connections in the brain have been built, then students go on to the next measure. After all chunks have been played separately, they are combined until the entire piece is connected.”

            5. Transfer of Learning

              What is it?

              Transfer of learning is a way to learn something in one area and apply it in another. Authors of Thinking at Every Desk, Derek and Laura Cabrera inform us about the transfer of learning,

              “If a student has a high transfer skills, she can learn one thing and then teach herself 10, 50, or 100 additional things.”

              How to use it?

              There are two specific ways to use it:

              1. Vertical Transfer (aka Far Transfer). Think of learning something in grade school and applying it another grade or later in life.
              2. Horizontal Transfer (aka Near Transfer). Think of learning a concept in history and applying it in math.

              Example

              I provide a detailed step-by-step example for this technique in this article:

              Learn How to Learn: How to Understand and Connect Difficult Ideas Easily

              The Bottom Line

              The key to using the techniques discussed here is to remember that we must actively think about information.

              We cannot simply drill information into our brain through rote memorization. We must change the way we think about memorization. We must find a way to “shake the snow-globe” in our mind or flatten the snow so that we can create new learning paths.

              Or as Derek and Laura Cabrera point out, we must insert “Thinking” into the equation,

              “Information X Thinking = Knowledge”

              More About Enhancing Memories

              Featured photo credit: Nong Vang via unsplash.com

              Reference

              [1] Remember Everything: Memory Palaces and the Method of Loci
              [2] The Learning Center Exchange: 9 Types of Mnemonics for Better Memory
              [3] Art of Memory: Mnemonic Peg System
              [4] Art of Memory: Number Rhyme System
              [5] Art of Memory: Number Shape System

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