Advertising
Advertising

Researchers Explain Why People Often Feel Disappointed In The Dating World

Researchers Explain Why People Often Feel Disappointed In The Dating World

We are spoiled for choice in this modern world. There are psychological reasons why the brain cannot cope when presented with too much of one thing. Unlike the days of yore, when marriage and love were likened much more to a business deal, there were prerequisites and strategies for romance. You were a good match for the families or the money and status involved in such a pairing were beneficial to all parties. There was a method in the madness.

These days, in western culture, love is all about the heart and how we choose to follow it. We can choose anybody we like, so long as we know ourselves and know what we want. So when we head into the world of dating, how do we recognise the scholars from the shrews? The heroes from the horrors? With a million different kinds of hearts and souls wandering around us, how on earth do we define what exactly it is that we might be looking for?

Advertising

The Problem: Seeking Perfection

Barry Schwartz, Dorwin Cartwright Professor of Social Theory and Social Action at Swarthmore College, says that it is possible that the pressures of finding that ‘perfect’ someone can often leave us feeling let down when the reality of the situation is actually something far less. Humans are not perfect after all, and the idea of trying to find perfection within the plethora of choices is guaranteed to lead to a certain amount of disappointment.

“Even when you choose well, you end up disappointed,” Schwartz says. “You’re convinced that even though you did well, you should have done better.”

Advertising

The human brain does have a tendency to focus more on losses than on gains, so it would do well to remain positive, and Schwartz explains that our desire (and anxiety) to make the right choice can often outweigh the pleasure we should be experiencing in the possibility of choice.

Decision Paralysis

Faced with so much to choose from, we can often spend so much time inside our minds trying to make the right — or even just a good — decision that we stop moving forward altogether. Time ticks on as we think and we think, and instead of actually living our lives, we waste weeks and months thinking about it instead.

Advertising

Overwhelmed by choices

In saying that, veering through too much choice can be a stressful time for the brain. Dopamine levels (brain chemicals) are working overtime, and to an extent, choice gears up our brain so that it is excited and soaring toward a decision. But too many choices and the effect can counteract. The brain, in fact, begins to slow instead, kind of like when you plug too many things into one switchboard. Our moods can begin to darken when we are overloaded, and our minds can grow dark with indecision.

The same applies to dating. Given a few options we can become excited about decision making, but given too many and our eyes tend to glaze over and we shut down. The result is that we are less likely to make a decision at all, so in terms of online dating it can be highly beneficial to have a system that narrows it down in order for us to cope!

Advertising

How To Make A Better Decision

“If there are more initial options available, all decision-makers have to do is tune their filtering procedure,” Scheibehenne says. He also says that we should use some form of conscious decision making rather than leave it up to the non-reality of computers to do our thinking for us, as online dating does. The kind of decision that warrants a lifetime of consequence perhaps should ultimately be up to you and you alone.

More by this author

25+ Quotes That Bring You Inner Peace To Face With Every Challenge What Is Lactose Intolerance And What To Do If You Have It Nutritionists Say Granola Bars Are Just Dressed Up Junk Food Researchers Explain Why People Often Feel Disappointed In The Dating World 3 Effective Home Remedies For Annoying Eczema

Trending in Communication

1 Positive and Negative Reinforcement: Which Is More Effective? 2 13 Reasons Why You Should Fail Fast to Learn Fast 3 10 Things to Do If You’re Feeling Hopeless About Your Future 4 5 Ways to Help Yourself Advance Your Mental Strength 5 Feeling Like a Failure? 10 Simple Things to Help You Rise Again

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on July 3, 2020

30 Small Habits To Lead A More Peaceful Life

30 Small Habits To Lead A More Peaceful Life

In today’s world, true peace must come from within us and our own actions. Here are 30 small things you can do on a regular basis to increase your overall sense of harmony, peace, and well-being:

1. Don’t go to every fight you’re invited to

Particularly when you’re around those who thrive on chaos, be willing to decline the invitation to join in on the drama.

2. Focus on your breath

Throughout the day, stop to take a few deep breaths. Keep stress at bay with techniques such as “square breathing.” Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, then out for four counts, and hold again for four counts. Repeat this cycle four times.

3. Get organized and purge old items

A cluttered space often creates a cluttered spirit. Take the time to get rid of anything you haven’t used in a year and invest in organizational systems that help you sustain a level of neatness.

4. Stop yourself from being judgmental

Whenever you are tempted to have an opinion about someone else’s life, check your intentions. Judging others creates and promotes negative energy.

5. Say ‘thank you’ early and often

Start and end each day with an attitude of gratitude. Look for opportunities in your daily routine and interactions to express appreciation.

Advertising

6. Smile more

Even if you have to “fake it until you make it,” there are many scientific benefits of smiling and laughing. Also, pay attention to your facial expression when you are doing neutral activities such as driving and walking. Turn that frown upside down!

7. Don’t worry about the future

As difficult as this sounds, there is a direct connection between staying in the present and living a more peaceful life. You cannot control the future. As the old proverb goes, “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere.” Practice gently bringing your thoughts back to the present.

8. Eat real food

The closer the food is to the state from which it came from the earth, the better you will feel in eating it. Choose foods that grew from a plant over food that was made in a plant.

9. Choose being happy over being right

Too often, we sacrifice inner peace in order to make a point. It’s rarely worth it.

10. Keep technology out of the bedroom

Many studies, such as one conducted by Brigham and Women’s Hospital, have connected blue light of electronic devices before bed to adverse sleep and overall health. To make matters worse, many people report that they cannot resist checking email and social media when their cell phone is in reach of their bed, regardless of the time.

11. Make use of filtering features on social media

You may not want to “unfriend” someone completely, however you can choose whether you want to follow their posts and/or the sources of information that they share.

Advertising

12. Get comfortable with silence

When you picture someone who is the ultimate state of peace, typically they aren’t talking.

13. Listen to understand, not to respond

So often in conversations, we use our ears to give us cues about when it is our turn to say what we want to say. Practice active listening, ask questions, process, then speak.

14. Put your troubles in a bubble

Whenever you start to feel anxious, visualize the situation being wrapped in a bubble and then picture that sphere floating away.

15. Speak more slowly

Often a lack of peace manifests itself in fast or clipped speech. Take a breath, slow down, and let your thoughtful consideration drive your words.

16. Don’t procrastinate

Nothing adds stress to our lives like waiting until the last minute.

17. Buy a coloring book

Mandala coloring books for adults are becoming more popular because of their connection to creating inner peace.

Advertising

18. Prioritize yourself

You are the only person who you are guaranteed to live with 24 hours a day for the rest of your life.

19. Forgive others

Holding a grudge is hurting you exponentially more than anyone else. Let it go.

20. Check your expectations

Presumption often leads to drama. Remember the old saying, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

21. Engage in active play

Let your inner child come out and have some fun. Jump, dance, play, and pretend!

22. Stop criticizing yourself

The world is a hard enough place with more than enough critics. Your life is not served well by being one of them.

23. Focus your energy and attention on what you want

Thoughts, words, and actions all create energy. Energy attracts like energy. Put out what you want to get back.

Advertising

24. Assign yourself “complaint free” days.

Make a conscious decision not to complain about anything for a whole day. It might be harder than you think and the awareness will stick with you.

25. Surround yourself with people you truly enjoy being in the company of

Personalities tend to be contagious, and not everyone’s is worth catching. Be judicious in your choices.

26. Manage your money

Financial concerns rank top on the list of what causes people stress. Take the time each month to do a budget, calculate what you actually spend and sanity check that against the money you have coming in.

27. Stop trying to control everything

Not only is your inner control freak sabotaging your sense of peace, it is also likely getting in the way of external relationships as well.

28. Practice affirmations

Repeat positive phrases that depict the life and qualities you want to attract. It may not come naturally to you, but it works.

29. Get up before sunrise

Personally witnessing the dawn brings a unique sense of awe and appreciation for life.

30. Be yourself

Nothing creates more inner discord than trying to be something other than who we really are. Authenticity breeds happiness.

Featured photo credit: man watching sunrise via stokpic.com

Read Next