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Researchers Explain Why People Often Feel Disappointed In The Dating World

Researchers Explain Why People Often Feel Disappointed In The Dating World

We are spoiled for choice in this modern world. There are psychological reasons why the brain cannot cope when presented with too much of one thing. Unlike the days of yore, when marriage and love were likened much more to a business deal, there were prerequisites and strategies for romance. You were a good match for the families or the money and status involved in such a pairing were beneficial to all parties. There was a method in the madness.

These days, in western culture, love is all about the heart and how we choose to follow it. We can choose anybody we like, so long as we know ourselves and know what we want. So when we head into the world of dating, how do we recognise the scholars from the shrews? The heroes from the horrors? With a million different kinds of hearts and souls wandering around us, how on earth do we define what exactly it is that we might be looking for?

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The Problem: Seeking Perfection

Barry Schwartz, Dorwin Cartwright Professor of Social Theory and Social Action at Swarthmore College, says that it is possible that the pressures of finding that ‘perfect’ someone can often leave us feeling let down when the reality of the situation is actually something far less. Humans are not perfect after all, and the idea of trying to find perfection within the plethora of choices is guaranteed to lead to a certain amount of disappointment.

“Even when you choose well, you end up disappointed,” Schwartz says. “You’re convinced that even though you did well, you should have done better.”

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The human brain does have a tendency to focus more on losses than on gains, so it would do well to remain positive, and Schwartz explains that our desire (and anxiety) to make the right choice can often outweigh the pleasure we should be experiencing in the possibility of choice.

Decision Paralysis

Faced with so much to choose from, we can often spend so much time inside our minds trying to make the right — or even just a good — decision that we stop moving forward altogether. Time ticks on as we think and we think, and instead of actually living our lives, we waste weeks and months thinking about it instead.

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Overwhelmed by choices

In saying that, veering through too much choice can be a stressful time for the brain. Dopamine levels (brain chemicals) are working overtime, and to an extent, choice gears up our brain so that it is excited and soaring toward a decision. But too many choices and the effect can counteract. The brain, in fact, begins to slow instead, kind of like when you plug too many things into one switchboard. Our moods can begin to darken when we are overloaded, and our minds can grow dark with indecision.

The same applies to dating. Given a few options we can become excited about decision making, but given too many and our eyes tend to glaze over and we shut down. The result is that we are less likely to make a decision at all, so in terms of online dating it can be highly beneficial to have a system that narrows it down in order for us to cope!

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How To Make A Better Decision

“If there are more initial options available, all decision-makers have to do is tune their filtering procedure,” Scheibehenne says. He also says that we should use some form of conscious decision making rather than leave it up to the non-reality of computers to do our thinking for us, as online dating does. The kind of decision that warrants a lifetime of consequence perhaps should ultimately be up to you and you alone.

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Last Updated on March 5, 2021

Science Says People Who Talk To Themselves Are Geniuses

Science Says People Who Talk To Themselves Are Geniuses

I talk a lot to myself. It helps me to keep my concentration on the activity on hand, makes me focus more on my studies, and gives me some pretty brilliant ideas while chattering to myself; more importantly, I produce better works. For example, right now, as I am typing, I am constantly mumbling to myself. Do you talk to yourself? Don’t get embarrassed admitting it because science has discovered that those who talk to themselves are actually geniuses… and not crazy!

Research Background

Psychologist-researcher Gary Lupyan conducted an experiment where 20 volunteers were shown objects, in a supermarket, and were asked to remember them. Half of them were told to repeat the objects, for example, banana, and the other half remained silent. In the end, the result shown that self-directed speech aided people to find the objects faster, by 50 to 100 milliseconds, compared to the silent ones.

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“I’ll often mutter to myself when searching for something in the refrigerator or the supermarket shelves,” said Gary Lupyan.

This personal experience actually made him conduct this experiment. Lupyan, together with another psychologist, Daniel Swigley, came up with the outcomes that those to talk to oneself are geniuses. Here are the reasons:

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It stimulates your memory

When you are talking to yourself, your sensory mechanism gets activated. It gets easier on your memory since you can visualize the word, and you can act accordingly.[1]

It helps stay focused

When you are saying it loud, you stay focused on your task,[2] and it helps you recognise that stuff immediately. Of course, this only helps if you know what the object you are searching looks like. For example, a banana is yellow in colour, and you know how a banana looks like. So when you are saying it loud, your brain immediately pictures the image on your mind. But if you don’t know what banana looks like, then there is no effect of saying it loud.

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It helps you clarify your thoughts

Every one of us tends to have various types of thoughts. Most make sense, while the others don’t. Suppose you are furious at someone and you feel like killing that person. Now for this issue you won’t run to a therapist, will you? No, what you do is lock yourself in a room and mutter to yourself. You are letting go off the anger by talking to yourself, the pros and cons of killing that person, and eventually you calm down. This is a silly thought that you have and are unable to share it with any other person. Psychologist Linda Sapadin said,[3]

“It helps you clarify your thoughts, tend to what’s important and firm up any decisions you are contemplating.”

Featured photo credit: Girl Using Laptop In Hotel Room/Ed Gregory via stokpic.com

Reference

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