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Researchers Explain Why People Often Feel Disappointed In The Dating World

Researchers Explain Why People Often Feel Disappointed In The Dating World

We are spoiled for choice in this modern world. There are psychological reasons why the brain cannot cope when presented with too much of one thing. Unlike the days of yore, when marriage and love were likened much more to a business deal, there were prerequisites and strategies for romance. You were a good match for the families or the money and status involved in such a pairing were beneficial to all parties. There was a method in the madness.

These days, in western culture, love is all about the heart and how we choose to follow it. We can choose anybody we like, so long as we know ourselves and know what we want. So when we head into the world of dating, how do we recognise the scholars from the shrews? The heroes from the horrors? With a million different kinds of hearts and souls wandering around us, how on earth do we define what exactly it is that we might be looking for?

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The Problem: Seeking Perfection

Barry Schwartz, Dorwin Cartwright Professor of Social Theory and Social Action at Swarthmore College, says that it is possible that the pressures of finding that ‘perfect’ someone can often leave us feeling let down when the reality of the situation is actually something far less. Humans are not perfect after all, and the idea of trying to find perfection within the plethora of choices is guaranteed to lead to a certain amount of disappointment.

“Even when you choose well, you end up disappointed,” Schwartz says. “You’re convinced that even though you did well, you should have done better.”

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The human brain does have a tendency to focus more on losses than on gains, so it would do well to remain positive, and Schwartz explains that our desire (and anxiety) to make the right choice can often outweigh the pleasure we should be experiencing in the possibility of choice.

Decision Paralysis

Faced with so much to choose from, we can often spend so much time inside our minds trying to make the right — or even just a good — decision that we stop moving forward altogether. Time ticks on as we think and we think, and instead of actually living our lives, we waste weeks and months thinking about it instead.

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Overwhelmed by choices

In saying that, veering through too much choice can be a stressful time for the brain. Dopamine levels (brain chemicals) are working overtime, and to an extent, choice gears up our brain so that it is excited and soaring toward a decision. But too many choices and the effect can counteract. The brain, in fact, begins to slow instead, kind of like when you plug too many things into one switchboard. Our moods can begin to darken when we are overloaded, and our minds can grow dark with indecision.

The same applies to dating. Given a few options we can become excited about decision making, but given too many and our eyes tend to glaze over and we shut down. The result is that we are less likely to make a decision at all, so in terms of online dating it can be highly beneficial to have a system that narrows it down in order for us to cope!

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How To Make A Better Decision

“If there are more initial options available, all decision-makers have to do is tune their filtering procedure,” Scheibehenne says. He also says that we should use some form of conscious decision making rather than leave it up to the non-reality of computers to do our thinking for us, as online dating does. The kind of decision that warrants a lifetime of consequence perhaps should ultimately be up to you and you alone.

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Last Updated on January 18, 2019

7 Ways To Deal With Negative People

7 Ways To Deal With Negative People

Some people will have a rain cloud hanging over them, no matter what the weather is outside. Their negative attitude is toxic to your own moods, and you probably feel like there is little you can do about it.

But that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

If you want to effectively deal with negative people and be a champion of positivity, then your best route is to take definite action through some of the steps below.

1. Limit the time you spend with them.

First, let’s get this out of the way. You can be more positive than a cartoon sponge, but even your enthusiasm has a chance of being afflicted by the constant negativity of a friend.

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In fact, negativity has been proven to damage your health physically, making you vulnerable to high levels of stress and even cardiac disease. There’s no reason to get hurt because of someone else’s bad mood.

Though this may be a little tricky depending on your situation, working to spend slightly less time around negative people will keep your own spirits from slipping as well.

2. Speak up for yourself.

Don’t just absorb the comments that you are being bombarded with, especially if they are about you. It’s wise to be quick to listen and slow to speak, but being too quiet can give the person the impression that you are accepting what’s being said.

3. Don’t pretend that their behavior is “OK.”

This is an easy trap to fall into. Point out to the person that their constant negativity isn’t a good thing. We don’t want to do this because it’s far easier to let someone sit in their woes, and we’d rather just stay out of it.

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But if you want the best for this person, avoid giving the false impression that their negativity is normal.

4. Don’t make their problems your problems.

Though I consider empathy a gift, it can be a dangerous thing. When we hear the complaints of a friend or family member, we typically start to take on their burdens with them.

This is a bad habit to get into, especially if this is a person who is almost exclusively negative. These types of people are prone to embellishing and altering a story in order to gain sympathy.

Why else would they be sharing this with you?

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5. Change the subject.

When you suspect that a conversation is starting to take a turn for the negative, be a champion of positivity by changing the subject. Of course, you have to do this without ignoring what the other person said.

Acknowledge their comment, but move the conversation forward before the euphoric pleasure gained from complaining takes hold of either of you.

6. Talk about solutions, not problems.

Sometimes, changing the subject isn’t an option if you want to deal with negative people, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be positive.

I know that when someone begins dumping complaints on me, I have a hard time knowing exactly what to say. The key is to measure your responses as solution-based.

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You can do this by asking questions like, “Well, how could this be resolved?” or, “How do you think they feel about it?”

Use discernment to find an appropriate response that will help your friend manage their perspectives.

7. Leave them behind.

Sadly, there are times when we have to move on without these friends, especially if you have exhausted your best efforts toward building a positive relationship.

If this person is a family member, you can still have a functioning relationship with them, of course, but you may still have to limit the influence they have over your wellbeing.

That being said, what are some steps you’ve taken to deal with negative people? Let us know in the comments.

You may also want to read: How to Stop the Negative Spin of Thoughts, Emotions and Actions.

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