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Will The Real Me, Please Stand Up!

Will The Real Me, Please Stand Up!

“When you do not seek or need approval, you are at your most powerful.” – Carolyn Myss

Have you ever felt like you are standing on the outside of life looking in on everyone else who seems to be happy and have it all together? Are you perpetually the chameleon changing your colors depending on who you are with? Do you just want to be a part of the group, rather than the one standing on the fringes?

If so, then welcome! I have felt like I’ve been on the outside looking in for most of my life. I perpetually felt like the little girl with her nose pressed up against the glass wanting what she could not have…to belong.

I just wanted to be accepted and I wanted to connect. Is that such a bad thing? Of course not.

Doesn’t everyone want to feel like they fit in and are liked and accepted? Maybe.

So, not knowing how to deal with those feelings, I did what most people do to fit in. I followed the pack. I drank too much, in a feeble attempt at feeling more comfortable. I do not know for sure if I fit in any better, but I do know that I cared less.

I cursed and acted cool. I still curse, but it is less about being cool. I feigned interest in conversations I found uninteresting and trivial, dying silently behind my smile. I talked about the things that people seem to want to talk about, denying my own voice. I rarely disagreed with others, keeping my thoughts and opinions to myself, instead nodding approvingly.

And I hated it.

I sometimes tried to bring up topics that did interest me…spirituality, the suffering in the world, the age-old question “what is life about?” That usually got me a deer in the headlights look or the disapproval I was trying so hard to avoid. Not exactly the typical party conversation.

So, I kept trying to figure out how to be…more like “them”.

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I am sure this will not be a surprise to you, but I was not happy.

Why, you ask?!

Because I was trying to be something and someone I am not. I was making the approval of others the priority in my life. I was allowing someone else to determine my value.

What Is Your Soul Purpose?

What exactly makes someone else’s opinion more important than mine? What makes the approval of anyone, the appropriate barometer for my personhood?

Now, I understand why fitting in was important. As a child, I never felt like I did, so I was always attempting to adapt to my surroundings in order to minimize feelings of rejection. I needed to be compassionate with myself as I began to understand why I felt the way I did. I needed to take long, kind and frequent looks at myself to heal what had been broken.

We are each unique individuals, who I believe, are here on this earth for some particular reason and purpose. I cannot possibly know what that is for anyone else. It isn’t even my business, unless they choose to tell me. And honestly, I wish they would. That is the kind of conversation I can wrap my brain around.

Nonetheless, what is my business is to discover what my reason and purpose is. But before I do that I have to let go of the idea that “fitting in” is more important than being who I am.

How is that for a soul mission?

To be fully who I am…without worrying whether I fit in, am approved of or accepted.

If we all did that, fitting in would become irrelevant.

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I already belong…we all do.

No matter race, religion, gender, country, disability or any other differentiating factor you can conjure up to explain your separateness, we are all a part of the human race and so, necessary to our wholeness.

Knowing that, of course, is the hard work. Who am I underneath my need for approval or acceptance?

What Happens When You No Longer Need The Approval Of Anyone Else…

What happens when you no longer need the approval of anyone else…when fitting in no longer matters?

Well, let me tell you, because this is good stuff.

I have discovered that the more I approve of myself, the less I care what others think. The more I love and accept myself…all of me…especially the not so pretty parts, the better I feel. The less I judge myself, the less I am concerned with the judgments of others.

What I also discovered was that the things I assumed others were judging me on, were the very things with which I was judging myself. The things I wanted approval from others about, were the things I was withholding approval from myself. I also recognized that I wanted others to love me, so I would feel better about myself, all the while avoiding finding out what it meant to love myself.

In other words, my happiness was dependent on the approval, acceptance and love of others. I needed it to validate my existence.

That was a pretty powerless place to be. It is so much more empowering to be responsible for my own happiness. It is so much more empowering to not have my self-worth be dependent on someone else.

When I began to accept and love myself, valuing myself was a natural outcome. When I began to value myself, I expected people to treat me better, knowing where and when to draw lines when others overstepped them. I also began to recognize I had something to say worth listening to, even if the people around me didn’t want to hear it.

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Yes, go figure, I realized I had something to offer the suffering world. In this process, I found my own voice and I discovered fulfilling ways to use it. I was no longer so afraid to speak up, even when someone disapproved.

I no longer hung my head in shame, which I am sure is right up there with one of the worst feelings we experience in life.

Although I needed help to make these discoveries about myself, I realized it was my own approval and acceptance that I always needed. Truthfully, what someone else thinks about me, whether they like me or not, approve of me or not, is none of my business. That is their problem, not mine.

As Carolyn Myss says, “When you do not seek or need approval, you are at your most powerful.”

That is because we are well on our way to being our truest self. There is so much power in that! Our truest self is not going to be ruled by an insecure ego.

The true self is never threatened by others or has any need to compare itself to anyone other than its highest self. It is then that we can emerge to fully be whoever we are called to be. It is then that we have the greatest impact on the world.

Whether a mentally or physically disabled person, a Mother or Father, a trash collector or accountant, an athlete or a homeless person, if we are fully being who we are called to be, then we will have the impact on the world that we are intended to have. We will also be at peace.

So, who is this True Self? What does the real me look like?

The Real Me

It is the one who feels at peace when making a decision, despite the anxiety the ego might feel about the reaction or opinions of others. It is the one who gets excited at the possibilities, when the world tells you it’s impossible. It is the small voice inside that says, “yes, you can” even while another voice is telling you, ‘no, you can’t. It is the one that perseveres against the odds, knowing there is a way out, even when they can’t yet see it. It is the one who wants to bust out of all the restraints and rules, dogma and doctrine dumped on you by a fearful world.

If you think about it for just a minute, you might be able to remember a moment or two or three, when the True You showed up.

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It might have been during a tragedy when you found your way to higher ground. Maybe when you reached out in kindness to someone hurting. It likely showed up when your heart burst with love after looking at your newborn for the first time. How about when you finally valued yourself enough to ask for a raise or set a much-needed boundary with someone?

How about when you are “in the zone” playing some sport, or singing or playing an instrument or doing whatever it is that you do when you feel most at home in your skin.

You will know the True You because it is the best version of yourself. It is the moments you feel proud of yourself. You will feel its strength coursing through your veins or its peaceful demeanor when all is right with the world. It will show up when you feel an unexplained connection with another person or the Universe or nature.

The Truest You also knows you are never alone. It knows that all things are working out on your behalf, even while plodding around in the mud and the muck. It believes in your greatness, even when your mind can’t yet grasp the idea.

The world needs each of us to reach our potential, whether it’s a bucket full of potential or a thimble full. It is fullness either way. The bucket is not better than the thimble, just bigger.

The True Self recognizes the value of everyone they meet…and those they don’t. And it knows this because it knows its own value.

When you start approving of yourself, accepting yourself and loving yourself, the Real You will begin to emerge.

The True Self lives within your depths. Find it, be it, love it. It will love you back! It will never do you wrong. And, finally, you will always belong!

Featured photo credit: xvire1969 via imcreator.com

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Sandra Cooper

Psychotherapist

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Last Updated on May 22, 2019

10 Simple Morning Exercises That Will Make You Feel Great All Day

10 Simple Morning Exercises That Will Make You Feel Great All Day

There are lots of studies that show if you do some exercise in the morning, you will be in a better mood all day long. You will have more energy and you will certainly be a better colleague, friend or partner.

One psychologist at Duke University has researched the effects of exercise on depressed patients and he has come to the conclusion that exercise has a definite role in treating this condition and has an important role in preventing people from relapsing.[1] According to the New York Times, scientists have now established that exercise also boosts your brain power.[2]

In addition, there are studies from the Appalachian State University which show that blood pressure can be reduced by doing regular morning exercise.[3]

Here are 10 simple morning exercises that will help you feel great the whole day long. You can include some of them in your morning exercise routine or do them all at home without having to enrol in a gym. Consult your doctor before starting any form of exercise routine if you are new to this.

1. Cat Camel Stretch

Stretching exercises are useful for muscle toning and also preventing arthritis. They can either be dynamic or static.

Dynamic ones such as the cat camel stretch, are particularly useful for doing other exercises in the morning. They are also beneficial at other times of the day, especially after long periods of sedentary work. This one is great for spinal flexibility and is a good warm up exercise.

Kneel down on all fours. Start by rounding your back just like a camel so that your head will try to meet your pelvis. This is the camel position. Then lower and lift your head so that your lower back is arched. This is the cat position. Do these movements slowly and smoothly. About 4 or 5 times.

Here’s a video to guide you through:

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2. Go for a Walk or a Run

This is better done outside so that you can connect with nature but running inside on a treadmill is almost as good. You can time yourself and increase length and time according to your fitness program.

Always have new goals to reach. Start with brisk walking and work up to running. At my age, I am still walking!

The health benefits are considerable. You can build stronger bones and you can help to maintain your weight.

Also, you are helping your heart to stay healthy and keeping your blood pressure low.

Learn more about the benefits of running here: 8 Benefits of Running 5 Minutes Every Day You Didn’t Know

3. Jumping Jacks

Michelle Obama is a great fan of this exercise and has become “Jumper in Chief.”[4] They are great for cardiovascular health and also for toning muscles especially the calves and the deltoids.

Stand with feet together. Jump while spreading your arms and legs. Return to first position and keep going! You can start with doing these for 1 minute and then gradually build up to the number you are comfortable with. Here’s how:

4. Abductor Side Lifts

Watch the video below to see how to do this exercise. These muscles are important because you use them everyday to run, get into the car or onto and off a bicycle. They are very important also for your core stability and prevent the pelvis from tilting.[5]

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Do about 10 to 15 raises for each side like this:

5. Balancing Table Pose

This is a classic yoga pose. It benefits the spine, balance, memory and concentration.

Start with the table pose (hands and knees). Breathe in before starting each movement. As you exhale, raise your left leg parallel to the floor as you raise the right arm, also parallel to the floor. Breathe in as you lower arm and leg. Repeat for the other side. 10 repetitions on each side is a good starting point.

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    6. Leg Squats

    Not just legs are involved but also hips and knees.

    Stand with your feet a bit further out from your hips. Arms are out in front of you. Then lower yourself as if you wanted to sit down until you reach a 90 degree angle. You can go down further if you want to. Then return to the starting position. Repeat 15 times for 2 sets for beginners.

    The benefits are that these exercises help with knee stability and can benefit the leg muscles such as quadriceps, hamstrings and calves.[6]

    7. Push Ups

    You start lying down (face down) but with your body held up at arm’s length. Your hands should be in line with your shoulders. Breathe in as you lower your body. That is fairly easy. Now, as you exhale, you have to get back up to the starting position.

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    An easier version to start with is to bend your legs at the knees so you do not have to lift your whole body.

    Beginners may take up to a month to be able to do 100 push ups so you will have to start with a very small number and gradually increase it.

    This exercise is great for strengthening the chest, shoulders and the triceps. It is a great strengthening exercise for many muscle groups. In fact, most muscles from the toes to the shoulders are being used.

    8. Bicycle Crunches

    There are numerous crunch exercises targeting the abs. The bicycle crunch is a variation where you work more muscle groups. Aim for 15 to 20 reps to start off with.

    Watch the video to see how this is done correctly:

    9. Lunges

    Stand with feet shoulder width apart. Place your hand on your hips. Take one giant step forward with the right leg. Make sure the knee does not go too far forward, that is, past your toes. The left knee will go down to almost floor level. Alternate the legs as you go on.

    Try to do a set of between 8 and 12 reps for each leg. It is important to allow for a day of rest, so this exercise should be done on alternate days, especially if you are using weights.

    This exercise is great for strengthening and toning the quadriceps, glutes and hamstrings.

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    10. Bicep Curls

    You can do this sitting down so if you spend a lot of time on the phone, this is a great exercise to do.

    Choose suitable dumbbells or another household object that you can easily hold. Sit down with the dumbbell in your hand. You need to sit forward a bit so that your triceps can lean on your thigh to give you support.

    Then bring the weighted arm up to shoulder length and then down again. Exhale as you lift the weight and inhale as you lower it.

    Here’re some important notes before you start doing this exercise:

    Try to do one or two sets of about ten repetitions for each arm and then switch arms.

    These exercises are really useful for toning the arm muscles.[7] In addition, they can strengthen and tone the brachioradialis muscle located in the forearm. These are the muscles we use to pick up things when we flex the arm at the elbow so we use these muscles countless times a day.

    You may have to build in a rest day for the heavier exercises, numbers 6–10. On the rest days, you can do gentler stretching exercises and also some walking or running.

    Morning exercise is not only a great mood booster, but will help you keep your weight down and also sleep better![8] Start including one or some of these exercises in your morning routine!

    More Articles About Exercises for Beginners

    Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

    Reference

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