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5 Solid Tips to Raise Your Kids as Well-Nurtured Adults

5 Solid Tips to Raise Your Kids as Well-Nurtured Adults

Every parent agrees. We have important goals for our kids – to be happy, to be honest and ethical, to be productive, and to be independent adults. We want to be able to say to ourselves “job well done” when they finally leave the nest, strike out on their own, and achieve goals that they have set for themselves.

Getting there is the issue, for we do not have maps for this journey. And every child is different, as parents of more than one well know. Amidst all of that diversity, however, there are some general guidelines that might help you to raise your kids as well-nurtured adults. Here are five of them.

1. Start Early

You’ve heard it before. You are your child’s first teacher. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you focus only on teaching them to hold a cup or to use the potty (although these are skills they have to develop). It means that you model the behaviors, the ethics, and the attitudes that you want them to incorporate into their own lives.

Research proves that the style of early attachment relationships predicts later emotional development of children. The child who witnesses a parent being angry, out of emotional control, treating others badly, “cheating” in various ways, etc., is a child who grows up doing the same. By the same token, a child who witnesses a parent being patient, kind, honest, and joyful will be that as well.

Watch what you do and say around your child.

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2. Nurture Independence Early

We have such a need as parents to always “do” for our kids. And in doing that, we lower our expectations for them. This is often a failing when moms work. They want life to go smoothly. They try to stay organized and in those attempts, they fail to allow their kids to become more independent from an early age.

It’s important to take a healthy step back and let them assume challenges on their own. This develops self-reliance and a belief that they can meet challenges, fail, and then be successful. Things can get messy.

Infants feeding themselves with food all over faces, in hair, and on the floor is the beginning. Four-year-old’s not making their beds will result in a crumpled mess. Toys may not be put back in the right place and squabbles with playmates will happen. If you let them assume these challenges and even fail sometimes, they will come to understand that achievements are a process of practice and steadfastness, not something that mom and dad can do for them.

The other great result? Kids develop self-confidence and the ability to praise themselves for what they have accomplished. It’s called pride.

Set reasonable expectations for your kids and let them “have-at-it.” And don’t interfere unless necessary, to keep them safe or to teach them something valuable about the experience.

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3. Do Encourage Mastery of Practical Skills

Computers/gadgets are a part of every child’s life today. Our kids will use them in virtually every aspect of their lives. We use parental controls. We depend upon teachers to do the rest. We cannot always count on our schools, however.

From being able to use technology to conduct research to playing typing games that will give them skills to make their lives easier later on, we can intervene and ensure that they are proficient. The conversation we need to have then, and have it often, as they mature is the reliability of and safety of Internet use.

Other practical skills include personal finance and budgeting. Schools may teach the theoretical basis for personal finance, but the practical application can only come with real world experience. And that real experience must come by them being given opportunities to manage their own finances. Whether that is from allowances given to children or the income from part-time jobs as teens, kids will not become financially responsible adults without practice in making spending choices, saving, etc.

And if they do not become financially responsible adults, parents will be subsidizing them. There is also value in allowing teens to see the expenses that running a household entails. Protecting them from this means they go into adulthood “unarmed.”

4. Do Not Rescue

Kids make choices. And you have to allow them to do so, even if those would not be the choices you would make. This is not to say that you let your kids deliberately go into unsafe or threatening situations. You have to find the balance between letting them discover mistakes on their own and living with the consequences and keeping them safe. If you begin early with little things, your kids will learn that there are consequences to their choices/actions and that they have to live with them.

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A seven-year-old may get an allowance for small chores around the house. If that allowance is all spent in a single day, and then there is no money left to buy that candy bar at the drugstore, don’t you dare buy it for them.

The tendency to jump in and rescue is hard to break for parents who just want their kids’ lives to progress smoothly and without pain.

You do them no favors by confronting their teachers or coaches every time they may be disciplined in some way. You do them no favors by intervening into their social lives, unless they are making dangerous choices.

We are all familiar with the teenage boy who drove drunk and killed some other teens. His lawyer, well-paid by his wealthy parents, argued “affluenza,” stating that he was not to blame because his parents had used their wealth and their position to rescue him throughout his childhood. He grew up believing that he was privileged and that his parent would rescue him from any bad choice he made. He was given leniency that was appalling to most of us. In the end, however, he violated his parole and was going to face serious jail time. His mother again came to his rescue, taking him out of the country to avoid the consequences. Now, he and his mother are both in jail.

Let your child make choices and live with the consequences whenever possible. What he will learn is to think things through and consider consequences before making decisions.

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5. Dependency – It’s Has to End Sometime

This closely relates to the previous point. The other consequence of always making decisions and choices for our children keeps them dependent upon us when they should be learning independence. If our kids come to rely on us to make all of their decisions, we will have children still dependent upon us when they reach adulthood. Setting up situations in which your child is away from you in a variety of situations is important.

It may begin with day-care at a young age. It may occur through sending them to summer camp. Whatever the experiences you give them, place yourself out of the situation.

In the end, our kids do two things – they model our behavior and they live up to the expectations that we set for them. When our own behavior is not appropriate and when we set expectations too low, they do not become fully nurtured adults. When our behavior is too rigid and our expectations too high, they grow into adulthood feeling inadequate. Finding that balance is the real challenge. These 5 tips may help you find it.

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Published on January 24, 2020

5 Ways to Improve Your Parenting Skills (Psychology-Backed)

5 Ways to Improve Your Parenting Skills (Psychology-Backed)

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Parenting is hard. It takes a great deal of effort to be even a decent parent. My husband and I are raising our three children ages 6, 6, and 7.

Yes, I have my hands full. Twin six-year-old boys and a seven-year-old girl keep me on my parenting toes, so to speak. It is not easy, but I do my best to be a good parent. Having a PhD in psychology is helpful, but I still devour plenty of parenting books and research articles to continually try to do better. I am still a work in progress just like all parents.

    It would be great if we knew exactly what to do and how to do it with our kids. But not all kids are the same and they are not born with a manual that provides us with instructions on how to raise them right. However, we do have research on parenting and psychology that can help us out and point us in the right direction.

    Below I have five tips on how to improve your parenting skills starting today! These tips are backed by research. The first step toward being a great parent is knowing how. It is difficult to be a good parent without knowing first and foremost the how and why.

    1. Practice Loving without Conditions

    Loving unconditionally seems like a given that we all assume we are doing as a parent. However, we may have behaviors or words spoken that undermine our ability for our children to feel unconditionally loved.

    For example, asking our child if he wants another mom when he is acting out is not practicing unconditional love. The message that is being sent to the child is that if they act out or misbehave, they are at risk of losing you as a mother, since you ask “do you want another mom” or “do you want to live somewhere else?”

    If you have ever made these statements, it doesn’t mean you are a terrible parent. However, if we want our child to feel loved unconditionally, then we need to stop saying things that make the child feel like the relationship could ever be severed because of their behavior.

    Another way to look at these threats is comparing them to threatening divorce. If you have ever been married, or lived in a home with married parents, then you know that when one person threatens divorce, it cuts to the core.

    Threatening divorce damages the relationship, because trust is lost. The other person begins to feel that that their relationship may not be forever, and that the relationship can be ended because their spouse is threatening divorce. Even if the person threatening doesn’t really mean what they are saying and they truly love their spouse, the words are damaging none the less.

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    The same principles go for parent and child relationships. If a child has been threatened with loss of their current home life, the parent leaving them, or being placed in foster care, then that child does not feel loved unconditionally. They will believe that love from their parent is contingent on their behavior. It is conditional love which means that they are only loved under certain conditions.

    My son Charlie has recently gotten into the habit of saying “I love you Mom” every time that he gets in trouble. He kicked the dog the other day. Not hard, but nevertheless he kicked our family dog. I was fuming. I yelled at him and he was sent to his room for a long time out (I know the yelling was not a good thing to do). I couldn’t even think of a consequence in the heat of the moment so I said “go to your room, I don’t want to see you right now, I will think about your consequence later.”

    He cried, and as he was running up the stairs and he was saying “I love you Mommy, I love you Mommy, I love you Mommy.” Why was he saying that? Because in his six-year-old mind, he is worried that I will stop loving him if he has bad behavior.

    Kids don’t know that we love them unconditionally. They are learning though and we must teach them that we do. My response in this situation and always is to say “I love you too.” I then usually follow it up with “I don’t like your behavior right now, but I will always love you.”

    Kids need to be told that they are loved regardless of their behavior. It needs to be ingrained that they are loved even if they act out, break the rules, or misbehave.

    An article by Elite Daily examined several research studies on unconditional love.[1] The findings from these studies showed that children become more well-adjusted, emotionally healthy, and physically healthy adults when they experience unconditional love in childhood. When children are exposed to conditional love in their parent-child relationship, the research showed that, children have higher levels of anxiety which in turn negatively affects their long-range health, such as heart health.

    Loving unconditionally means loving without conditions. Unconditional love is loving someone just the way that they are, flaws and all. Tell your children that you love them, even when they break the rules, misbehave, or they tell you that they hate you (most kids say this to their parents at some point in time).

    You must always respond with “I love you regardless of your behavior.” It doesn’t mean that you are accepting or allowing the bad behavior. There should always be reasonable consequences to match the behavior. However, they shouldn’t ever be made to feel that the love of their parent can be revoked because of bad behaviors.

    2. Develop a Bond That Will Last a Lifetime by Creating Memories

    You need to spend time with your kids in order to create a bond. Quality time matters, but so does quantity time.

    Kids want to be with their parents. Spend time together as a family. For example, make it a point to have dinner at the kitchen or dining room table at least a few nights a week. Make a rule that no technology is allowed at the table during that time, so that you can talk and spend time together.

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    Before you know it, that child will be grown and out of your home. Take the time to spend meal times together, talking and truly getting to know your child before they leave your home as an adult.

    Barking Up the Wrong Tree looked at research on how to create happy memories that last a lifetime. Some of the things discovered in the research included:[2]

    • Memories are made when our senses and emotions are elevated.
    • If we are pulling out the camera phone, it is likely an elevated experience that you want to remember.
    • Celebrating milestones and praiseworthy moments (graduations, winning seasons, etc.) helps to create positive lasting memories.
    • Struggling together creates a bond. If you have worked through conflict in your relationship and made it better in the process then you have created a bond. Fraternities haze, soldier fight together, and families overcome struggles together. These all make for lasting bonds. When you struggle together as a family, celebrate the success at the end of your victory, once you have overcome the challenge together.

    Take the time to make memories with your children. They are only little once. Go on those vacations, hike to the top of a mountain together, sail across an ocean, go camping, or teach them to ice-skate.

    Do anything and everything that will help create memories, bonds, and experiences that will last a lifetime in their memory. Those memories are what will carry them into old age with happiness in their heart.

    3. Stop the Yelling

    Yelling at our kids is not good parenting. Yet it is still happening on regular basis in most homes. I admit, I am still continually working on this one. I think this quote summarizes the situation.

      However, I know I need to continually work to not yell or raise my voice, as I would prefer a household with zero voices ever raised.

      Yelling causes our children to become anxious. It also affects them emotionally and mentally in a negative manner. If you have ever been yelled at by a boss or superior, you probably remember it and it is not a fond memory. It made you feel bad. It is hard enough to be reprimanded in a calm voice.

      When someone, whether adult or child, is yelled at while being reprimanded it causes anxiety, stress, and negative emotions to abound. When the yelling involves name calling or insults it becomes emotional abuse.

      Heathline Parenthood examined research on the topic of yelling and found that parents who yell at their kids end up with children who are more aggressive verbally and physically.[3] Children learn from their parents’ example. If yelling is a regular occurrence in your household, then your child is learning that when dealing with behavior or situations that they don’t like, it is appropriate to yell. None of us want to teach that to our children, so we must take action to stop the yelling.

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      Healthline provides some tips on how to stop yelling:

      • Know what triggers the yelling. What are the behaviors occurring or situations where you find yourself yelling at your children?
      • When you feel that you are going to yell, give yourself a time out or count to ten.
      • Practice responding in a calm, even tone. Practice makes the action a habit.
      • If you do yell, then admit the mistake and apologize to your child. They will then learn that it is not an acceptable behavior and that they too should apologize if they make a mistake and end up yelling. (Yes, I apologized to Charlie for yelling and he had to apologize to our dog Max.)

      My article about yelling less at your kids less is also helpful: The Only Effective Way to Talk With Children When They Are Acting Out. This article outlines the steps to use the “one-ask” parenting approach. This approach is used to help parents follow up with consequences more quickly so that situations don’t escalate to worse behavior by the children and yelling from the parents. Some tips from this article on talking to your children without yelling include the following.

      • Get on their level, talking face to face in a calm voice.
      • Don’t make repeated threats about a consequence that is coming to them and wait for the situation to become more heated.
      • Follow through with the consequence (i.e. loss of playtime or time-out) immediately after they violate your warning. Don’t wait for them to repeat the bad behavior several more times. One warning is all that is needed. Then, if they break the rule or don’t obey, the consequence should be immediately implemented.

      If you find that your yelling is so entrenched in your daily behaviors that you have a hard time kicking the habit and you need more support, then buy, or find at your local library, the book Triggers by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake. Their tips were even featured on the Focus on the Family national radio program and were rated as a number one show for 2019. Their gentle parenting methods simply work.

      A quote from the book:

      “Peacemaking moms produce peacemaking kids.”

      Wendy and Amber also have a Facebook group that is free to join. It is Gentle Parenting with Amber and Wendy. In this group, you will find thousands of other parents looking for support to yell less in their homes. Check out the group if you want more connected support to stop yelling at your kids. I am a member of this group too. Nobody is perfect, but we can do better as parents by yelling less starting today.

      4. Provide Experiences Over Toys

      Toys are fun. But our kids don’t need an excess of overcomplicated, electronic, and expensive toys in order to be happy or develop in a healthy manner. Focusing on experiences over toys is a way to improve as a parent now.

      The next holiday or birthday that comes up, think about gifting your child an experience, for example, a year membership to the children’s museum or zoo. Another experience is a trip to someplace interesting such as a National Park. These experiences help to create memories. They also help to make your child a more well rounded individual as they are out in the world experiencing activities rather than sitting in their room playing the newest video game.

      Motherly posted a recent article that delved into the science that experiences are better for our kids than toys. Here is a quote from that article that is worth noting.[4]

      And if we need one more reason to cool it on the toy giving, researchers have discovered that gratitude and generosity increase when experiences are given instead of objects. Thomas Gilovich, a psychology professor at Cornell University, conducted many studies over many decades and found that happiness is derived from experiences, not things. Bottom line: The happiness derived from a childhood experience is far more significant than the fleeting excitement of toys under the Christmas tree. Giving experiences that involve spending time together instead of gifting toys brings greater and longer-lasting joy. Don’t stress about the number of toys, mama. Focus on making memories.

      Creating family experiences and making memories go hand-in-hand. Our money and resources get more bang for their buck when they are used on experiences for the family instead of things. The research from the Motherly article shows that families are happier overall when they have more experiences together and less toys.

      5. Let Them Play and Be a Child

      Play and childhood development go hand-in-hand. However, the amount of playtime our children are getting has been diminishing in recent decades.

      We are so intent on our children learning, that we take away from their playtime. Play is learning. We need to get our children back to basic playtime so they can develop and learn in a natural way.

      Increase their playtime and limit the electronics. Research by Very Well Family found that too much technology is damaging to our children.[5] When children get too much time on electronic devices, their research found that children have sleep issues, obesity, behavior problems, academic problems, and emotional issues. Limit your children’s time on technology.

      According to We Can, we need to aim for less than two of screen time per day for our school aged children. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends far less time for children under the age of five. We Can offers a free screen time chart so you can track your child’s time on digital devices.

      The goal is to get children playing and off the technology. Playing will help them developmentally. In my book Let Them Play, I explain the importance of play and provide 100 child developmental play activities. Some great play activities that promote development and learning that are listed in the book including Play Doh, magnet blocks, Legos, puppet shows, and hopscotch.

      Parents can teach their children different play activities while they actively play with their children. Fifteen or twenty minutes of playtime together can help to create bonding time between parent and child. Then the parent can allow their children to continue playing the activity on their own. This play time is crucial to the child’s healthy social, emotional, physical, and cognitive development.

      They are only little once. Let them be a child when they are little. Two-year-old children aren’t meant to sit at desks for hours completing school work. They were made to play, explore, and be active physically. This is how they learn and develop best.

      Final Thoughts

      These are not the only ways to improve as a parent. However, these are five ways that you can begin improving as a parent starting today.

      Nobody is a perfect parent, which means we all have room for improvement. Look at your own parenting methods objectively and decide where you can improve. Then do something about it.

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      Featured photo credit: Jonathan Daniels via unsplash.com

      Reference

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