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5 Solid Tips to Raise Your Kids as Well-Nurtured Adults

5 Solid Tips to Raise Your Kids as Well-Nurtured Adults

Every parent agrees. We have important goals for our kids – to be happy, to be honest and ethical, to be productive, and to be independent adults. We want to be able to say to ourselves “job well done” when they finally leave the nest, strike out on their own, and achieve goals that they have set for themselves.

Getting there is the issue, for we do not have maps for this journey. And every child is different, as parents of more than one well know. Amidst all of that diversity, however, there are some general guidelines that might help you to raise your kids as well-nurtured adults. Here are five of them.

1. Start Early

You’ve heard it before. You are your child’s first teacher. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you focus only on teaching them to hold a cup or to use the potty (although these are skills they have to develop). It means that you model the behaviors, the ethics, and the attitudes that you want them to incorporate into their own lives.

Research proves that the style of early attachment relationships predicts later emotional development of children. The child who witnesses a parent being angry, out of emotional control, treating others badly, “cheating” in various ways, etc., is a child who grows up doing the same. By the same token, a child who witnesses a parent being patient, kind, honest, and joyful will be that as well.

Watch what you do and say around your child.

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2. Nurture Independence Early

We have such a need as parents to always “do” for our kids. And in doing that, we lower our expectations for them. This is often a failing when moms work. They want life to go smoothly. They try to stay organized and in those attempts, they fail to allow their kids to become more independent from an early age.

It’s important to take a healthy step back and let them assume challenges on their own. This develops self-reliance and a belief that they can meet challenges, fail, and then be successful. Things can get messy.

Infants feeding themselves with food all over faces, in hair, and on the floor is the beginning. Four-year-old’s not making their beds will result in a crumpled mess. Toys may not be put back in the right place and squabbles with playmates will happen. If you let them assume these challenges and even fail sometimes, they will come to understand that achievements are a process of practice and steadfastness, not something that mom and dad can do for them.

The other great result? Kids develop self-confidence and the ability to praise themselves for what they have accomplished. It’s called pride.

Set reasonable expectations for your kids and let them “have-at-it.” And don’t interfere unless necessary, to keep them safe or to teach them something valuable about the experience.

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3. Do Encourage Mastery of Practical Skills

Computers/gadgets are a part of every child’s life today. Our kids will use them in virtually every aspect of their lives. We use parental controls. We depend upon teachers to do the rest. We cannot always count on our schools, however.

From being able to use technology to conduct research to playing typing games that will give them skills to make their lives easier later on, we can intervene and ensure that they are proficient. The conversation we need to have then, and have it often, as they mature is the reliability of and safety of Internet use.

Other practical skills include personal finance and budgeting. Schools may teach the theoretical basis for personal finance, but the practical application can only come with real world experience. And that real experience must come by them being given opportunities to manage their own finances. Whether that is from allowances given to children or the income from part-time jobs as teens, kids will not become financially responsible adults without practice in making spending choices, saving, etc.

And if they do not become financially responsible adults, parents will be subsidizing them. There is also value in allowing teens to see the expenses that running a household entails. Protecting them from this means they go into adulthood “unarmed.”

4. Do Not Rescue

Kids make choices. And you have to allow them to do so, even if those would not be the choices you would make. This is not to say that you let your kids deliberately go into unsafe or threatening situations. You have to find the balance between letting them discover mistakes on their own and living with the consequences and keeping them safe. If you begin early with little things, your kids will learn that there are consequences to their choices/actions and that they have to live with them.

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A seven-year-old may get an allowance for small chores around the house. If that allowance is all spent in a single day, and then there is no money left to buy that candy bar at the drugstore, don’t you dare buy it for them.

The tendency to jump in and rescue is hard to break for parents who just want their kids’ lives to progress smoothly and without pain.

You do them no favors by confronting their teachers or coaches every time they may be disciplined in some way. You do them no favors by intervening into their social lives, unless they are making dangerous choices.

We are all familiar with the teenage boy who drove drunk and killed some other teens. His lawyer, well-paid by his wealthy parents, argued “affluenza,” stating that he was not to blame because his parents had used their wealth and their position to rescue him throughout his childhood. He grew up believing that he was privileged and that his parent would rescue him from any bad choice he made. He was given leniency that was appalling to most of us. In the end, however, he violated his parole and was going to face serious jail time. His mother again came to his rescue, taking him out of the country to avoid the consequences. Now, he and his mother are both in jail.

Let your child make choices and live with the consequences whenever possible. What he will learn is to think things through and consider consequences before making decisions.

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5. Dependency – It’s Has to End Sometime

This closely relates to the previous point. The other consequence of always making decisions and choices for our children keeps them dependent upon us when they should be learning independence. If our kids come to rely on us to make all of their decisions, we will have children still dependent upon us when they reach adulthood. Setting up situations in which your child is away from you in a variety of situations is important.

It may begin with day-care at a young age. It may occur through sending them to summer camp. Whatever the experiences you give them, place yourself out of the situation.

In the end, our kids do two things – they model our behavior and they live up to the expectations that we set for them. When our own behavior is not appropriate and when we set expectations too low, they do not become fully nurtured adults. When our behavior is too rigid and our expectations too high, they grow into adulthood feeling inadequate. Finding that balance is the real challenge. These 5 tips may help you find it.

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Last Updated on January 12, 2021

Signs of Depression in Children (And How to Help Them to Overcome It)

Signs of Depression in Children (And How to Help Them to Overcome It)

Children, just like adults, can be depressed. Sometimes seemingly normal children with no major life issues can become depressed. It is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes clinical depression to occur. There are specific signs that you should recognize in your child if they are depressed. Getting them help and treatment is crucial to their mental wellness.

In this article, we will look into the signs of depression in children and how parents can help them to overcome it.

Signs of depression in children

The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder) is the widely accepted instruction guide that professionals utilize for diagnosing mental disorders. The DSM characterizes a Major Depressive Episode as depressed behaviors that consistently last for two weeks or longer. Therefore, if your child has been “down in the dumps”, feeling hopeless or having sadness for more than two weeks, it should be cause for concern and investigated.

Below are signs of depression according to the DSM manual. The individual must have at least five of these behaviors present for a period of two weeks or longer to be officially diagnosed as having MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). Below is a summary/generalization from the DSM manual:

  • Feelings of deep sadness or depressed mood that last most of the day (for two weeks or more). For children they can present as irritable rather than sad.
  • Diminished interest in activities (again majority of the day or all the time).
  • Significant weight loss (not through dieting), or a decrease in appetite. In children, they fail to make expected weight gains while growing.
  • Difficulty sleeping (insomnia).
  • Either a slowing of psychomotor abilities/actions or an apparent agitation of these psychomotor abilities. This means that they either have moments that lack purpose and seem to be done because of agitation and tension or there is a significant slowness/retardation of their speech and physical actions.
  • Fatigue and loss of energy.
  • Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt every day.
  • Difficulty thinking, making decisions, or concentrating every day. This may be reflected in their grades.
  • Preoccupation with death and dying or suicidal thoughts.

Please note that if your child is suffering from the loss of a loved one and is processing through the stages of grief, it is normal to have these signs of depression. If they seem to be stuck in the depression stage, then it is time to pursue grief counseling to help them along in the grieving process.

However, if they are not suffering from a bereavement or a medical condition that would cause the above symptoms, then they should be taken to a professional for possible diagnosis and treatment of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder).

How to help your child with depression

Depression is not to be taken lightly. Especially if suicidal thoughts are present. The child’s feelings and emotions are real and must be taken seriously. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), suicide is the number two cause of death for individuals between the ages of 10 and 34.[1]

Professional help is recommended if you believe your child fits the criterion for MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). You can take your child to their paediatrician for an evaluation and referral. Depending on the severity of the symptoms, they may benefit from medication such as anti-depressants.

Most professionals do not dispense medication as the first remedy for depression. Instead therapy is the first line of defense against depression, with medication being paired with therapy if the therapy is not enough or the symptoms are severe enough.

Testing

There are assessment tools that professionals can utilize to help in properly determining whether your child is depressed. The three tools used in assessing depression in children are:

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  • The Children’s Depression Rating Scale (CDRS)
  • Children’s Depression Inventory (CDI)
  • Clinical Global Impression (CGI)

Taking your child to a professional mental health counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist can help ensure proper testing and assessment occurs.

Therapy

There are many types of therapy available today. It is important to find a professional that specializes in childhood depression and the treatment of such.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the leading therapy methods in treating childhood depression. For younger children, play therapy is useful in treating childhood depression as children are often able to better communicate through play than conversation alone.

What parents can do at home to help their depressed child

Besides seeking for professional help, there are a couple of things that parents can do at home to help their depressed child:

1. Talk with your child about their feelings in a compassionate and empathetic manner.

It can feel high pressure to sit face to face and ask your child about their feelings. However, going on a walk, playing a board game or playing alongside your child (chose whichever is age appropriate for your child) can allow them to relax and open up about their feelings.

Ask your child open ended questions that require more than a simple yes or no to engage in more meaningful conversations. Never judge while they are being open and honest with you because it will inevitably cause them to shut down and move away from being open with you.

It is okay to allow for periods of silence during the conversations because sometimes the child is processing their thoughts and emotions during your time together. You don’t have to fill the space and entire time with talking as silence at times is helpful.

2. Provide activities that help them relax and de-stress.

For smaller children, there are simple ways to help them relax.

Provide play opportunities that they find relaxing such as coloring, painting, working with Play-do or clay, or playing with sand and sand toys. Again, find activities that interest your child and are age appropriate are helpful in making them relaxed.

3. Limit screen time.

Technology is not helpful in making your child less depressed. It can often be an escape that keeps them from further opening up about their feelings and emotions.

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Limit time in front of the TV, laptop, smart phone, video games and tablets, etc. Any electronics that seem to prevent your child from face to face interactions should be limited. Ask Dr. Sears cites that researchers have found kids who have higher levels of screen time are at greater risk for anxiety and depression.[2]

Provide alternate activities to replace the screen time such as hiking, crafting, drawing, constructing, biking and playing outside, etc. Some children may be so dependent on their screen time as their source for entertainment that they may need you to participate in alternate activities alongside them in order to get engaged in the activities.

You can’t simply tell your child to go outside to play if they are suffering from depression, lack friends and are used to sitting down and playing video games each day after school. Go outside with your child and do a nature hike or take your child to a playground and have fun together to get them engaged in these alternate activities.

4. Promote outdoor time and physical activities.

Encourage your children to take part in activities that especially involve nature such as nature hikes. Do these activities with them to help them engage in the activities. Again this is an opportunity for open conversations to occur and quality time to take place.

5. Help your child when problems and difficult tasks arise.

Assist them by helping them break down the task into smaller and more manageable parts. Children with depression often have difficulty taking on large problems and tasks and find them overwhelming. Helping them by breaking down the task into smaller and more manageable tasks will assist in helping raise their confidence when the small tasks are mastered.

Small tasks mastered lead to bigger tasks being mastered over time. It is a process over time, patience and a willingness to work alongside your child. This does not mean doing the task or taking on the problem solely yourself. Many times all the child needs is for you to break down the larger task into smaller more manageable tasks and for you to patiently talk your child through the completion of these smaller tasks.

6. Help your child reduce life stress.

When children are depressed, they have greater difficulty handling life activities in general. Cut back on activities that cause stress to increase and look for ways to help reduce stress in your child’s life.

7. Foster a positive home atmosphere.

Reduce or eliminate negative attitudes, language and conversations. Also avoid raised voices, passive aggressive behaviors and any form of physical violence in the home.

Make your home a safe haven for your child instead of an atmosphere that is ever volatile (in words, emotions or physically). Make it a calm environment that makes your child feel safe and secure mentally, emotionally and physically.

8. Help your child see the positive in life situations.

Point out the positives in a situation rather than the negatives. Help them see the bright side of any situation.

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Be a model of seeing the positive in life by speaking words that are uplifting, encouraging and positive. Resist the temptation to voice negative thoughts that come to mind as your child can feed off your emotions and words.

9. Believe your child when they talk about how they are feeling.

Listen to them patiently and take their words seriously. Do not discount or minimize their feelings. Express empathy and compassion when they do open up about their feelings. Help them utilize “I feel” statements in expressing their emotions.

10. Keep watch for suicidal behaviors.

Such behaviors include your child/teen researching this topic online, them giving away their possessions and a preoccupation with death.

Seek professional help immediately with the presentation of suicidal behaviors or thoughts. Keep this number on hand and use it when in doubt: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number 1-800-273-8255.

11. Keep all prescriptions, alcohol, drugs and weapons locked and away from children and teens.

This is a given for all children, but even more imperative for children who are depressed as they have an increased likelihood to abuse drugs and alcohol. They also have an increased likelihood to attempt suicide. So keep weapons and tools such as ropes and knives that can used for suicide out of the child’s ability to use.

12. Spend quality one-on-one time with your child.

Make the time during your day, every day, to spend quality time with your child. You may have limited time and cannot provide an hour or more a day to dedicate to one-on-one time with your child, but you should provide a minimum of 20 minutes a day with your child spending quality one-on-one time together. Try the suggested activities listed in point #3.

13. Be an encouragement and supporter of your child.

Show love and not frustration or anger because of the situation and your child’s condition. Help keep your attitude positive so your child can also see the positive.

Provide daily words of affirmation that are not based on end results (such as a grade or a win) but instead praise the effort they put forth. If you praise the outcome, they will be disappointed when their efforts don’t pan out. If they are praised for their efforts regardless of the outcome, their confidence is built based upon something that they can control (the effort they put into things).

14. Help your child to live a healthy lifestyle.

Sleep is a very important factor in your child’s mood. Not getting enough sleep can cause an entire day to be upset. According to Sleep Aid Resource, children between the ages of 3 and 18 need between 8 and 12 hours of sleep each night:[3]

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    Ensure your child is eating a healthy and balanced diet, getting physical activity/exercise daily and plenty of sleep time.

    15. Help your child foster positive relationships and friendships with their peers.

    Set up play dates for your younger child and encourage older children to invite friends over to your home.

    16. Talk about bullying.

    It can be one of the causes of your child’s depression, so discuss their life outside of home and their interactions with their peers. Help them recognize bullying and discuss how to handle bullying properly.

    17. Help your child follow the treatment plan outlined by their doctor, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist.

    Make sure you know the treatment plan that your child’s health care professional has outlined for child. This may include counseling session recommendations, medications and recommendations to follow through with in the home. Completing the plan will help provide optimal results for your child in the long run. A plan doesn’t work unless it is followed.

    18. Recognize that professional treatment takes time to show results.

    Don’t expect results for the first few weeks. It may take a month or longer, so be patient and understanding with your child.

    Depression in children is curable

    Depression in children can happen for a variety of reasons. It is quite treatable.

    Professional help is recommended if your child can possibly be diagnosed with a depressive episode. There are interventions that can be implemented in a professional setting, at home and at school. The key is having a plan of action to help your child.

    Ignoring the problem or hoping the depression will just go away is not a good plan. Treatment is imperative to curing depression in children.

    The first step is talking to your child’s paediatrician to get the ball rolling. He or she will refer you to specialists in your area that can help your child overcome and conquer their depression one day at a time. With you by their side, each step of the way you will get through it together and it is quite possible for your relationship with your child to be strengthened in the process as well. That can be your silver lining or positive outlook on the situation at hand.

    Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

    Reference

    [1] National Institute of Mental Health: Suicide
    [2] Ask Dr. Sears: It’s a Virtual World: Setting Practical Screen Time Limits
    [3] Sleep Aid Resource: Sleep Chart

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