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5 Solid Tips to Raise Your Kids as Well-Nurtured Adults

5 Solid Tips to Raise Your Kids as Well-Nurtured Adults

Every parent agrees. We have important goals for our kids – to be happy, to be honest and ethical, to be productive, and to be independent adults. We want to be able to say to ourselves “job well done” when they finally leave the nest, strike out on their own, and achieve goals that they have set for themselves.

Getting there is the issue, for we do not have maps for this journey. And every child is different, as parents of more than one well know. Amidst all of that diversity, however, there are some general guidelines that might help you to raise your kids as well-nurtured adults. Here are five of them.

1. Start Early

You’ve heard it before. You are your child’s first teacher. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you focus only on teaching them to hold a cup or to use the potty (although these are skills they have to develop). It means that you model the behaviors, the ethics, and the attitudes that you want them to incorporate into their own lives.

Research proves that the style of early attachment relationships predicts later emotional development of children. The child who witnesses a parent being angry, out of emotional control, treating others badly, “cheating” in various ways, etc., is a child who grows up doing the same. By the same token, a child who witnesses a parent being patient, kind, honest, and joyful will be that as well.

Watch what you do and say around your child.

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2. Nurture Independence Early

We have such a need as parents to always “do” for our kids. And in doing that, we lower our expectations for them. This is often a failing when moms work. They want life to go smoothly. They try to stay organized and in those attempts, they fail to allow their kids to become more independent from an early age.

It’s important to take a healthy step back and let them assume challenges on their own. This develops self-reliance and a belief that they can meet challenges, fail, and then be successful. Things can get messy.

Infants feeding themselves with food all over faces, in hair, and on the floor is the beginning. Four-year-old’s not making their beds will result in a crumpled mess. Toys may not be put back in the right place and squabbles with playmates will happen. If you let them assume these challenges and even fail sometimes, they will come to understand that achievements are a process of practice and steadfastness, not something that mom and dad can do for them.

The other great result? Kids develop self-confidence and the ability to praise themselves for what they have accomplished. It’s called pride.

Set reasonable expectations for your kids and let them “have-at-it.” And don’t interfere unless necessary, to keep them safe or to teach them something valuable about the experience.

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3. Do Encourage Mastery of Practical Skills

Computers/gadgets are a part of every child’s life today. Our kids will use them in virtually every aspect of their lives. We use parental controls. We depend upon teachers to do the rest. We cannot always count on our schools, however.

From being able to use technology to conduct research to playing typing games that will give them skills to make their lives easier later on, we can intervene and ensure that they are proficient. The conversation we need to have then, and have it often, as they mature is the reliability of and safety of Internet use.

Other practical skills include personal finance and budgeting. Schools may teach the theoretical basis for personal finance, but the practical application can only come with real world experience. And that real experience must come by them being given opportunities to manage their own finances. Whether that is from allowances given to children or the income from part-time jobs as teens, kids will not become financially responsible adults without practice in making spending choices, saving, etc.

And if they do not become financially responsible adults, parents will be subsidizing them. There is also value in allowing teens to see the expenses that running a household entails. Protecting them from this means they go into adulthood “unarmed.”

4. Do Not Rescue

Kids make choices. And you have to allow them to do so, even if those would not be the choices you would make. This is not to say that you let your kids deliberately go into unsafe or threatening situations. You have to find the balance between letting them discover mistakes on their own and living with the consequences and keeping them safe. If you begin early with little things, your kids will learn that there are consequences to their choices/actions and that they have to live with them.

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A seven-year-old may get an allowance for small chores around the house. If that allowance is all spent in a single day, and then there is no money left to buy that candy bar at the drugstore, don’t you dare buy it for them.

The tendency to jump in and rescue is hard to break for parents who just want their kids’ lives to progress smoothly and without pain.

You do them no favors by confronting their teachers or coaches every time they may be disciplined in some way. You do them no favors by intervening into their social lives, unless they are making dangerous choices.

We are all familiar with the teenage boy who drove drunk and killed some other teens. His lawyer, well-paid by his wealthy parents, argued “affluenza,” stating that he was not to blame because his parents had used their wealth and their position to rescue him throughout his childhood. He grew up believing that he was privileged and that his parent would rescue him from any bad choice he made. He was given leniency that was appalling to most of us. In the end, however, he violated his parole and was going to face serious jail time. His mother again came to his rescue, taking him out of the country to avoid the consequences. Now, he and his mother are both in jail.

Let your child make choices and live with the consequences whenever possible. What he will learn is to think things through and consider consequences before making decisions.

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5. Dependency – It’s Has to End Sometime

This closely relates to the previous point. The other consequence of always making decisions and choices for our children keeps them dependent upon us when they should be learning independence. If our kids come to rely on us to make all of their decisions, we will have children still dependent upon us when they reach adulthood. Setting up situations in which your child is away from you in a variety of situations is important.

It may begin with day-care at a young age. It may occur through sending them to summer camp. Whatever the experiences you give them, place yourself out of the situation.

In the end, our kids do two things – they model our behavior and they live up to the expectations that we set for them. When our own behavior is not appropriate and when we set expectations too low, they do not become fully nurtured adults. When our behavior is too rigid and our expectations too high, they grow into adulthood feeling inadequate. Finding that balance is the real challenge. These 5 tips may help you find it.

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Published on September 21, 2020

The Danger of Overscheduling Your Kids

The Danger of Overscheduling Your Kids

I am a parent of three children aged 8, 6, and 6. Like many parents, I struggle with knowing the right balance of activities for them. I don’t want my kids to miss out on opportunities to play sports and participate in activities that will enhance their lives and help them grow as individuals. However, I also don’t want them to become overscheduled kids, to the extent that they get worn out and stressed out.

There is a balance in providing activities for our children and overscheduling them. The tendency for the latter is prevalent these days. Our lives — and the lives of our kids — are increasingly overscheduled and overworked. Thus, we need to understand the dangers of having overscheduled kids and how to prevent this from happening in our own families.

What’s Wrong with Overscheduling Your Kids?

1. Overscheduling Can Burn Out Our Kids

When our kids are on the go and scheduled to the max from a young age, their potential to get burned out before reaching high school is quite high. The New York Times reported some research on burnout and found that burnout with kids relates to their workload, along with their parents’ propensity to experience it.[1] This means that overworked children are more likely to get burned out than others. Similarly, overscheduled parents tend to have overscheduled kids more often than not.

Burnout

When a person is burned out, they feel overwhelmed and exhausted by what others expect them to get done daily. Children who are involved in too many activities with little to no downtime have a high chance of experiencing burnout. When parents place too many expectations on their kids, they also have an increased potential to burn out.

If you get the sense that your child is feeling overworked or overwhelmed by their daily activities, you need to know which ones can be cut back. If they have too many activities outside of school work, for instance, then that is one area that likely needs to be downsized.

An overworked child will present various symptoms like moodiness, irritability, crankiness, despondency, anger, stomach aches, headaches, rebellion, etc. Cutting back their activities will help to relieve their stress and reduce the said burnout signs. If your kid has severe burnout symptoms, though, then professional help from a pediatrician or therapist for children should be sought.

Downtime

Downtime is key to helping relieve burnout. If children don’t have free time during the day to have any rest, they are more likely to become burned out than others. Downtime means unorganized free time to do what they enjoy or relax. Cut back your kids’ extra-curricular activities if they don’t have downtime in their schedule.

Here are more tips on creating downtime for the children: How to Create Downtime for Kids.

2. Overscheduling Kills Playtime and Creativity

Kids need time to be kids. When their schedules are filled every day with activities like organized ballet, soccer, and music lessons, and they only take a break for dinner and bedtime, then they are overscheduled. They need to have free time after school to relax and play. When they don’t have that and proceed from one scheduled activity to the next, they are missing out on playtime.

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Playtime is crucial to child development. If they cannot get enough time to play, then their ability to develop their creativity decreases. The Genius of Play explains that there are six major developmental benefits that children get from playtime:[2]

  • Creativity
  • Social skill development
  • Cognitive development
  • Physical development (i.e., balance, coordination)
  • Communication skills
  • Emotional development

If children don’t have time to play because they are always on-the-go, then they are missing out on the developmental benefits of play.

Children need downtime after school so that they can unwind, play, and decompress. Research from the Journal of Early Childhood Development and Care showed that kids need to play to deal with anxiety, stress, and worry.[3] Playtime provides an outlet for them to manage these emotions in a healthy manner and helps with the development of their creativity.

Children need free time to play every day. Fifteen minutes at recess is not enough. They need time for it after school, at home, outside of the constraints of scheduled activities.

Solution

Ensure that your child has time to play after school. This is especially important for young children who greatly benefit from playing. Limit organized activities so that your child is not scheduled every day and can play after school. If they have an activity every hour, then it doesn’t allow for playtime.

3. Overscheduling Causes Stress and Pressure

When kids are overscheduled because their parents are so intent on having high-performing children, then they will feel stressed. Parental pressure upon a child to do well in academics, music, multiple sports, and religious studies is a reality for many kids. The children scheduled in all of these activities can often feel stress and pressure, especially when they are expected to succeed in all of them.

It is hard enough for kids to be good or succeed at a single activity. For a parent to overschedule their child and expect superior performance in various activities, that is a recipe for a stressed-out child.

Solution

Parents should not schedule kids in multiple activities with the expectation of superior performance in all. They should also consider the child’s interests. If the child is not interested in one activity, then they are likely to feel stressed and pressured to do it.

For example, if Suzy has been taking piano lessons for four years, and she no longer enjoys learning the instrument, then perhaps it is time to take a break. If Suzy is forced to continue with the lessons and daily practices, then she may feel pressured to continue performing simply because her mom wants her to do so. This can lead Suzy to resent her mother for forcing her to keep on doing something that she doesn’t like anymore.

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Let your child help in selecting the activities that they get involved in. Also, put a cap on the number of activities they are doing. If they have a different activity every weekday, then they are likely overscheduled.

Kids need downtime and time to play, too. If they need to do a new activity every day, that downtime is diminished, considering the time at home or outside of the scheduled activities is limited. This limited time is then filled with homework, mealtime, and bedtime prep. Eliminating activities several days a week will allow the child to have some time to play freely. The younger the kid is, the more time they need playtime. As they get older, they can take on more activities; however, under the age of 13, playing daily is a must for children.

4. Healthy Eating Falls by the Wayside

Any parent who’s busy chauffeuring multiple kids to different activities after school knows how tempting fast food can become. Fast food, however, leads to less healthy food choices. French fries and hamburgers — the staple combo in most fast-food joints — cannot help your child thrive nutritionally.

When families are overscheduled, they tend to go for easy and quick meals. When rushed, many of us make poor food choices because we aren’t taking the time to think about a meal’s nutritional value and a balanced diet for our children.

5. Family Mealtimes Become a Thing of the Past

When we are taking our kids to sports and other extra-curricular activities that fall during dinnertime, the family often misses out on sharing a meal at home.

This is true in our own home. There are certain nights of the week that we have practices, and so we either eat together early (if possible) or eat separately, depending on what our schedules allow.

There is so much value in having family dinners. It provides an opportunity for family members to discuss their day, including their work and school activities. It is a time when technology is set aside so that everyone can truly focus on communicating with one another and catching up on what is happening in each other’s lives. When a kid’s activities are scheduled every evening, then that family time at the dining table gets lost. Dinnertime becomes a thing of the past as we overschedule kids and ourselves.

Try learning more about family time here: How to Maximize Family Time? 13 Simple Ways You Can Try Immediately.

Solution

Assess our schedule during the week to ensure that there’s always time for dinner with the family. Make it a point to establish a dinnertime schedule for the evenings that you do not have prior engagements scheduled. Remember: the time that you have with your kids under your roof is fleeting. Before long, they will be grownups and start living on their own. You need not dismiss or minimize the opportunity to bond with your children over meals.

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Having family mealtimes also allows you to make excellent food choices. This way, parents can create balanced and healthy meals and teach their children about the importance of eating good food for their bodies.

How to Turn Things Around?

1. Fix the Displaced Ambitions

Parents with overscheduled kids often mean well. They want their children to succeed, so they give them every chance to make it happen. They sign them up for various lessons, sports, and activities that may help the kids find success in life.

In other cases, the parent probably didn’t get such opportunities when they were young and felt that they missed out on many things. Hence, they provide those missed opportunities to their kids during their own childhood.

Carla is an example of such a parent. Carla always wanted to take dance and ballet classes as a child. She heard her friends talk about dance classes and performances, and they would even bring recital photos to school, showing their beautiful, detailed costumes. Carla wanted to be in those dance classes and learn ballet and have the opportunity to perform in a beautiful costume in front of an audience. Unfortunately, her family could not afford to give her that opportunity.

When Carla gave birth to a baby girl, she had visions of her little one growing big enough to take dance, ballet, and even tap classes someday. She was looking forward to dressing her daughter in dance costumes and watching her take lessons and eventually performing in recitals. When Carla’s daughter Anna was old enough to enroll at a dance class at four years old, she was thrilled. However, after a few months, it became clear that Anna was not enjoying these classes. She would cry before every lesson, begging Carla to let her stay home and not go to class. Her daughter had no interest in learning to dance.

In truth, it happens to many parents. They would enroll their kid in an activity that they wanted to do as a child but never got to try. Unfortunately, a parent’s interest is not always the same as that of their kids’. The child may humor mom or dad for some time and do the activity out of compliance. But if the child does not enjoy it anymore, they will eventually make things clear to their parents.

Parents should listen to their children. If the activity is something that they do not enjoy doing, ask the children what they think they would like to do, and then eliminate activities that they are not into. Similarly, teach them commitment by finishing a program, but don’t enroll them again in the same class if they absolutely do not want to do it.

Let the kids try different activities at a young age. Sometimes they don’t know if they like something until they try it out.

2. Try Clinics of Camps Before Committing

Don’t enroll your child in three sports at the same time to see which one they like or excel at. Doing so will make your kid overscheduled. Instead, you can use the summer break or preseason camps or clinics to try a variety of activities they are interested in.

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As an example, all three of my children said that they wanted to do lacrosse. We had already tried soccer, and it was not successful for two out of three of them. They would rather chase butterflies down the field or play tag than actually participate in their games. Therefore, before committing to lacrosse and spending a great deal of money on their gear, I signed them up for a sample clinic. It was a one-day program that intended to expose children to the sport and see if they would perhaps enjoy playing it. I was surprised to find that the three kids enjoyed lacrosse, so we signed up for the season. It was nice to be able to see them try out the sport in a clinic before committing to an entire season.

Most towns and cities have parks and recreation department. This is often a good place to check for clinics and camps for various activities. Our local department even offers art and dance classes. Most of them meet between two and four times total, so the children can get some exposure to the activity before signing them up at a private facility for a more long-term commitment.

3. Take an Inventory of Your Weekly Activities

Often, we do an activity without reflecting on how much we are already committed to doing each week. Before we commit to any more activities, we must be willing to look at everything that each family member does. Every child’s commitment is another responsibility for the parent as well. Parents must take children to and from each practice, so you need to consider the drive time for any activity.

For instance, if each of my three kids signed up for three different activities each week, I would be running myself ragged. Three activities for three kids means taking them to nine activities during the week. That doesn’t include the games that will likely be scheduled on the weekends. Three activities for every child, therefore, is too much for our family.

If some practices overlap on the schedule, then you need two parents or responsible adults to transport the children to different locations. Before you sign them up for multiple activities, you need to factor downtime, stress levels, and your ability to take them to each activity in the equation.

Consider the following before your kids can commit to various activities:

  • What is the time commitment for the child each week? Do they have enough energy and stamina for the activities? Do they get enough downtime daily to prevent burnout?
  • Is practice time required outside of their scheduled team practices and games?
  • How long is the travel time for you as a parent, along with wait time during practices? Do you have time allowances for these activities in your own schedule?
  • Does the activity time conflict with other activities on the schedule? Will it eliminate family dinners on a regular basis?
  • Does the child really want to do the activity?
  • What is the motivation for signing up for the activity?
  • Is this activity or commitment going to cause a great deal of stress on the child or other family members?

Check out these time-management tips for parents: 10 Time Management Tips Every Busy Parent Needs to Know.

Get The Kids Active and Involved!

Despite everything, it does not mean that you shouldn’t sign your child up for different activities like sports, music, dance, karate, etc. They are all great activities that can help children develop a variety of valuable life skills. The goal is to enroll them in things that they genuinely enjoy and avoid overscheduling kids by not letting them sign up for too many activities at a time.

More Tips for Scheduling Kids’ Activities

Featured photo credit: Kelly Sikkema via unsplash.com

Reference

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