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3 Important Keys to Finding Lasting Relationships

3 Important Keys to Finding Lasting Relationships

Relationships have proven to be one of the best ways for attaining true happiness. Also, there are chances that a relationship might steal your already attained happiness.

Our relationships are often founded on the type of connections we create from moment happenings and if our utmost intention is to keep one, we can’t get our thoughts off elsewhere.

Our facial expressions, the way we carry our body, and the tone of our voices while we’re with people or far from them, reveals to them if truly we’re with them or if our concentration is mainly on ourselves. There are chances your date knows you’re concentrated on yourself while you’re with them but they won’t tell you how they feel.

If you want to have a lasting relationship, you must:

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The Effectiveness of Online Dating 

Online dating has become one of the modern dating methods which gradually is taking over united states. Online dating sites have created a personal introductory network where individuals can find and contact each other on the internet for the sole purpose of match making and building personal relationships.

Always keep in mind that, first impressions aren’t always reliable. Especially on internet dating, people hardly accurately portray themselves. However, there are responsible online dating sites where fake identities never get on. The recent year has recorded a great advantage in online dating where over 20% relationships that met online have led to marriages in the United States. Studies shows that;

The average length of courtship/dating for relationships that met online – 18.6 Months
The average length of dating for marriages that met offline face-to-face – 42 months
In the last year percentage of marriages that met on online dating site – 17 %
At present the percentage of committed relationships that met in online dating site – 20 %

From this analysis, it’s shown that relationships that met online have relatively short dating/courtship length before leading to marriages.

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Wherever you met someone irrespective of how you met them, it always takes some time to know that person. Being with someone in different situations either good or otherwise will let you get to know them better; how well they handle pressure, what’s their response when things aren’t going too smoothly, when they’re hungry, angry, tired or frustrated.

Don’t hide your mistakes. Everyone make mistakes and you may be amazed how worse their mistakes are compared to yours. There are instances where what you find so awful about you is what’s amazingly appealing to your date. Be honest and you’ll be surprised how far this takes your relation.

It’s true that in this age and the present day, developing a vertical relationship first before a horizontal relationship is difficult, yet it’s the best.  Don’t be so swift to make a relationship sexual before trying to know this person better. Knowing someone first will definitely lead to a much more satisfying sexual relationship along the way. But, if you put the sexual relationship first before trying to know this person, what you expect should be the opposite.

1. Always try and keep things in perspective

The search for a relationship shouldn’t be the center of your life. If you want to have a great relationship, the first thing you must do is ensure give great emphasis to the things that give you joy; your health, your career and your relationship with friends and family.

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When your focus is on things that make you happy, you will experience a balanced life and this will make you a more interesting person when you have contact with special people.

2. Having fun should be your priority

While singles events, online dating, and match making services may happen to be successful and enjoyable to some people, others may lack the inclination and often feel highly pressured. They may prefer fun social occasions. Be mindful whatever dating experts might tell you. Understand there is a great difference between finding a lasting love relationship and finding a suitable career.

Your time as a “single” person is the greatest opportunity to meet people and extend your social circle. While others may prefer online dating, you can find and participate in activities that you have interests in. Your focus should be having fun and not finding a relationship. Having fun doesn’t mean making all hell of jokes but just engage yourself in anything that makes you happy. Don’t laugh or joke because you want someone to notice you’re around. Laugh because something is funny, you’re happy, because of the memories, because deep down you’re having the best time.

While engaging yourself in activities you enjoy and in new environments, there is a great chance of meeting people who aren’t looking for the best but just you, the unique and true person. The chances of meeting people of same interests and values are great and even if you don’t, you’ll still enjoy your time and maybe make some new friends as well.

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3. If you must build a connection, let it be a genuine one.

You must know that the dating game can be so torturing. It’s normal to worry about how you will meet and if or not your date will like you. But can you really get rid this torture, create a great connection and build good rapport? Yes. These tips can guide you:

  • To fight first-date torture or nerves, your focus should be on your outward appearance, not your internal feelings and thoughts. While spending time with your date, try to be fully involved: in what your date is doing, what is happening around you and what he is saying. With this, your mind will be in your control and off your worries, insecurities and distracting doubts.
  • Being genuine with your interest and feelings is another catch. There’s a fact anyone who’s been with a date would know which is, you can’t fake your interest in someone. If you aren’t interested in your date, just go ahead and tell them. Don’t pretend to listen or care. Don’t extend the relationship further.
  • Showing curiosity is another way to connect with a new person. Having a genuine interest and being curious about their feelings, opinions, stories, thoughts and experiences. This should not be hidden and they’ll like that very part of you. If you can do this, you’ll experience a far more interesting and attractive moment than only trying to elevate yourself when you’re with your date.
  • Any item or devices that would lead to distraction should be put away while you are with your date. There’s no way you can prove to your date you’re interested in the moment when you’re having distractions. A lot of signals could be sent and noticed while with a date but this, of course, is noticed only when you’re focused.
  • Paying proper attention to your date, how they interact and what they say will help know them better quickly. Little things go a long way and you can’t tell what those are. You’ll remember a lot about what they told you, what’s going on in their life at the moment and or remembering what they say about their preferences.

Featured photo credit: easysuccessfulonlinedating.com via cdn.tomatoheart.com

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MICHAEL LILY

Writer/entrepreneural development specialist

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Published on April 7, 2021

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

Some of the most manipulative people are so good at what they do that their words and actions can convince you into thinking they truly care about what’s best for you when in reality, it’s quite the opposite. The most common signs of a controlling person are rarely obvious to outside observers. And for someone enmeshed in a controlling relationship or friendship, it can be incredibly challenging to stay away from this toxic person, even if you’re aware of their emotionally abusive tendencies.

While it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether to preserve or leave a lopsided, unfulfilling relationship, it’s nevertheless critical to understand the following six signs of controlling people so you can better advocate for yourself and mitigate the influence of their manipulative tendencies in your own life.

1. They Push Their Own Personal Agenda

Do you know someone who always tries to micromanage the words, behaviors, and attitudes of people around them? Does this person act like they have the right to know anything they want about you, including your location, what you’re doing in a given moment, who you’re talking to online, or any other private information about you? And when planning events and special occasions, does this person dominate conversations, steer plans in their own preferred directions, disparage others’ suggestions, and refuse to collaborate with anyone who might disagree with them?

If you answered “yes” to some of the above questions, then those are clear signs of a controlling person whom you absolutely need to be cautious around. Controlling people are reluctant to even consider alternative ideas, let alone enthusiastically work with people who have differing views. They prefer to be the captain of every ship—regardless of how much or how little an issue personally impacts them—and they have an arsenal of manipulative tactics to deploy if someone stands in the way of them achieving their own personal agendas.

In long-term relationships with controlling people, you may feel constantly pressured to meet their demands, follow their schedule, and focus on whatever they feel is most important. It’s not an exaggeration to say that these people act like the universe revolves around them, which can be exhausting to deal with for their family members, friends, and colleagues.

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2. They Make Everything Transactional

Controlling people aren’t always self-centered, but they’re not too empathetic either. Empathy for them tends to appear in the form of strategic concessions they use as a means to get what they want. They typically view interpersonal relationships as transactional opportunities to extract more value from people surrounding them, which can have a draining effect on those they interact with.

For example, one sign of a controlling person may be their insistence on “keeping score.” This can involve doing nice things for you with the ulterior motive of demanding something from you at a later date in exchange for what you thought was just an act of kindness or a friendly support.

Perhaps they shower you in praise (also known as “love-bombing”) or gifts then blow up at you if you don’t intuitively know they’re expecting something back from you. None of us are mind-readers, but controlling people behave as though everyone else should think and act like they want others to and those who fall out of line are punished for failing to meet their impossible expectations.

A controlling person may also threaten to withhold support if you don’t adhere to their demands, but they do so in such subtle ways that the guilt they impose blinds you from the unreasonable nature of their behaviors.

Some statements to be wary of include:

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  • “I did ___________ for you. What do you mean you can’t do ___________ for me?”
  • “Remember how I helped you with ___________? That took a lot of time and energy from me, but I guess you didn’t appreciate my help.”
  • “I always give you ___________. Don’t you care about my needs too?”
  • “You’re so selfish!” or “You don’t care about me at all!” (gaslighting if you respond with hesitation or politely decline their request for help for perfectly valid reasons, such as not having enough time or resources to assist them)

3. They Criticize Everything

One of the most common telltale signs of a controlling person is their capacity to criticize anything and everything, even small things that seemingly don’t matter. As with many toxic traits in relationships, these problems typically start out so small that you may not even notice. At first, you may even agree with their criticism or at least be able to understand their perspective when they bring up an issue.

However, the criticism tends to get more intense, more constant, and more perplexing for people who maintain relationships with controlling people. You’ll likely notice how they rarely seem to criticize something they do. It’s almost always other-oriented and these types of people are so manipulative that any rationale they offer can seem plausibly legitimate.

Some warning signs of a controlling person who’s overly critical to the point of abusiveness include:

  • Criticizing things about you that you have little to no control over (e.g., appearance, disability, family)
  • Criticizing your personal choices and interests, such as educational pursuits, career, clothing, favorite music, time spent on your hobbies, etc.
  • Punishing you for expressing vulnerability by invalidating thoughts and feelings you share with them
  • Attacking you whenever you express an opinion counter to theirs

4. They Balk When Someone Criticizes Them

We all know the adage, “what goes around, comes around.” But this statement doesn’t apply as much to toxic, controlling people. They’d much prefer to dish out criticism without ever having to take it in return.

For instance, if your friend constantly talks about your appearance with little regard for your emotions but flips out if you make just a single comment about their appearance, there’s a possibility that they could have some hidden controlling tendencies left unchecked. Remember, these people aren’t just controlling in their behaviors towards others. They’re also actively trying to stay in complete control over every aspect of their lives, which includes how others view them.

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This seemingly insatiable desire for control can prompt them to lash out against even the smallest bits of criticism, leaving people around them too weary or scared to speak up again in the future. While it’s possible they may suffer from something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, this does not excuse them from the consequences of their words and actions. They should seek professional help to better manage their reactions to criticism.

5. They Socially Isolate You

Not all controlling people do this, but for manipulative narcissists, socially isolating victims is a go-to strategy for maintaining control because it’s effective at preventing people from truly understanding how toxic their partner, family member, or friend is treating them. Think of it this way—if you don’t talk to many other people in your life, there’s less of a risk that you’ll damage their reputation by revealing their abusive tendencies.

Socially isolating others also gives the person more control over you and your life as it becomes more difficult to break away from them if you don’t have other healthier channels of communication and interpersonal support to turn to.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, nor is it something you can readily recognize as abusive. At first, it may seem reasonable, such as asking you to stop engaging so often with family members with whom both of you disagree on major social or political issues. As the social isolation progresses, they may suggest cutting people out of your life—especially if they don’t like that person, regardless of how you personally feel—or even conjure up high-stakes problems like “it’s me or them” under the guise of saving you from people in your life whom they don’t like for whatever reason.

In a controlling person’s life narrative, they’re always the protagonist who’s incapable of any wrongdoing. The blame is always redirected at someone else, whether that’s you or other people in your life. The more they isolate you from other supportive people in your life, the more susceptible you’ll be to falsely believing that they’re right and you “don’t need” your other friends and family when you have someone as perfect as this person.

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6. They’re Emotionally Abusive

It’s hard enough to be in control of your own emotions but when someone else is constantly belittling you and your interests or leveraging guilt and shame to manipulate you into saying or doing what they want, this can make it even more challenging to stay in control of your own life and emotional well-being.

Emotional abuse is another sign of a controlling person that is often overlooked in relationships. After all, human personalities vary widely in terms of passivity, and it’s not uncommon for one person in a relationship to be significantly more passive than the other. This becomes an issue when the controlling partner or friend exudes signs of emotional abuse, which can start subtly and become much more pronounced over time.

Concerning signs of emotionally abusive language or behavior to watch out for include:

  • Dismissing your needs and/or belittling your interests in counterproductive ways
  • Privately or publicly shaming or humiliating you
  • Making you feel as though you can never live up to their expectations or do anything right (according to their own vague, subjective standards)
  • Gaslighting you into thinking they said or did something that never actually happened (making you question your own reality)

Final Thoughts

It’s sometimes hard to see the negative things about someone with whom we have a relationship. We may sometimes unconsciously overlook the signs of a controlling person, especially if that person is someone we have known for a long time or are close to us. However, cutting them off your life is the best thing you can do for yourself. Just watch out for these six signs of a controlling person and take immediate action when you spot them.

More Tips on How To Deal With a Controlling Person

Featured photo credit: Külli Kittus via unsplash.com

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