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4 Self Respect Basics that Nobody’s Talking About

4 Self Respect Basics that Nobody’s Talking About

When I was in junior high, I asked a girl named Rhonda to go steady with me. She was funny, confident, popular. And I wasn’t. If I could talk her into being my girlfriend maybe I’d have a shot at being one of the cool kids. It was a gutsy move.

Just after the 3:00 bell rang, as I was gathering up my books to go home for the day, Rhonda’s best friend Margie ran up to me, excited.  “Mark! Rhonda said yes!” Apparently the whole school knew about it. I hurried to the bus, ducking and dodging behind lockers, scared to death that I’d run into Rhonda―she was my first girlfriend; I had no idea what I was supposed to do.

The next day Rhonda pulled me aside in the lunchroom to break the news that the whole thing had been a joke. Everyone else was laughing about it. The dorky, dumpy kid tried to make time with one of the cool people and was put squarely back into place. It was one of those moments that I’d spend the rest of my life trying to un-remember.

Things like that happened frequently, all the way through high school. By college I’d had enough and began to bite back. I lifted weights, changed my look, only spent time with “cool” people, etc. I started to defend myself, physically at times, if anyone treated me poorly. All of the crap I took in junior high I gave back to the dumpy, dorky crowd in spades.

I remember feeling my own weight, like I wasn’t a piece of garbage. I experienced self-respect for the first time in my life, but didn’t realize that it came at the expense of someone else. I needed people “below” me to feel OK. If they didn’t know they were below me, I’d put them there. All of the stuff that had been done to me, I did to others, buying self respect by stripping it from someone else.

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I lived that way for years, and paid for it, all because I didn’t understand the basics of self respect.

1. It’s Closer Than You Think

Do an online image search for “Self Respect” and you’ll get tens of thousands of memes that read something like the following:

  • “If someone disrespects you, ditch ’em”
  • “If you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you.”
  • “Protecting yourself is more important than anything else”

I know plenty of people, myself included, who have tried to think their way into self respect, who’ve embraced every idea known to humanity, and are still searching.

But we tend to look in the wrong places.

The trick to self respect is not in trying to find it, or build it up from nothing. We already have it. Disrespect would have no power, it wouldn’t make us so angry, if we didn’t have some sense that everyone’s supposed to treat us respectfully. We come out of the womb with self respect, and won’t hesitate to respond if people dishonor it.

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Self-respect isn’t something we lose, it’s something that gets buried. The trick is figuring out how to rescue it, and making sure it doesn’t get buried again.

2. Disrespect Eats Self Respect for Breakfast

It feels good to slam people, pass judgement, place others “below”. Some people do ridiculous things and it’s our job to put them in their place. We want justice. But we’re typically not willing to risk anything, so we stand at a safe distance and utter things that change nothing, showing disrespect into the souls of others ‒ and into our own.

All of this is exacerbated by the fact that we live in a culture that values disrespect, fueled by a forum that allows us to say whatever, whenever, to whomever. We indiscriminately spew all manner of vitriol on the internet without a second thought. Our music, TV shows, movies, etc. all pay homage to this new way of life that’s unprecedented in any culture before us. Disrespect has never enjoyed such a spotlight, such a part of humanity’s daily diet. It’s never been so popular, or eaten so well.

But disrespect won’t share the same soul with self respect. In a culture that so highly values the former, we shouldn’t be surprised that the latter is so elusive.

3. The Golden Rule

There is however one simple task that anyone can accomplish, something that flies in the face of our culture, and gives us the best chance of keeping our self respect intact.

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The more I give respect to others, the more I feel my own… and vice versa… unfortunately.

I have a few friends who reek of self respect, so much that you feel respected when you’re around them. And their dignity is not easily shaken.

I didn’t get anywhere in this arena until I embraced their secret.

These people are respectful when they argue, when they confront someone, when they’re hurt, offended, cheated. They’re part of a very small tribe of others who believe that it’s never OK to disrespect anyone, even if you’re merely fantasizing about it. The more they manage to unconditionally respect others, the more cement-like their self respect becomes.

Respect is an investment, not just in themselves, but in what ripples beyond them.

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They’ve decided to respect others―always―without condition, excuse, or qualification. But they’ve also managed to live with a deeper understanding of where disrespect really comes from.

4. The Mother of All Impudence

Nobody wakes up in the morning deciding to be disrespectful; it’s much more complicated than that. Disrespectful people are disrespected people – they’ve been laughed at, scorned, shamed, dismissed. They’re people who have managed to laugh it off, act like it never happened, and cached it deep in a place where it can do some real damage.

Show me a disrespectful person and I’ll show you someone who’s been disrespected, too many times.

Sure, we can return the scorn of our detractors, throw it back, or worse, internalize it; but there’s another way. Understanding where disrespect comes from, that it has nothing to do with our shortcomings, is the key to giving it no quarter.

Disrespect has to do with pain ‒ very real pain, something so bad that it incites her victims to lash out at others, to spread her hurt. It’s not about truth, or justice, it’s about retaliation, making sure everyone feels as bad as the bearer. People will disrespect us over and over again in this life, and we’ll be tempted to hurt them back. But if we’re incapable of mourning the origins of their pain, we haven’t yet understood what’s really happening.

Nothing good is easy. Self respect is NO exception.

We don’t have to “protect” ourselves from others, or go find our self respect, or try and build it from the ground up; and we certainly aren’t in need of another opportunity to be disrespectful. We simply need to find the strength and wisdom to respect others, unconditionally.

You can still confront, stand up for what’s right, have relationships with toxic people, etc. But if you’re interested in living with more self respect, you’ll have to interact with others in a way that honors theirs.

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Last Updated on January 21, 2020

5 Proven Memorization Techniques to Make the Most of Your Memory

5 Proven Memorization Techniques to Make the Most of Your Memory

Do you forget stuff every now and then? Are you trying to enhance your memory but not sure how?

All you need is the right memorization techniques to make the most of your memory.

The human brain is fascinating. More specifically, the vast interconnections within our mind. Mendel Kaelen compares the human brain to a hill covered in snow,

“Think of the brain as a hill covered in snow, and thoughts as sleds gliding down that hill. As one sled after another goes down the hill a small number of main trails will appear in the snow. And every time a new sled goes down, it will be drawn into preexisting trails, almost like a magnet. In time it becomes more and more difficulty to glide down the hill on any other path or in a different direction.”

The intent of Kaelen’s discussion is to think of new ways to temporarily flatten the snow. Kaelen remarked,

“The deeply worn trails disappear, and suddenly the sled can go in other directions, exploring new landscapes and, literally, creating new pathways.”

The idea here is to temporarily rewire your brain, or as Michael Pollan remarked in How to Change Your Mind,

“The power to shake the snow globe, disrupting unhealthy patterns of thought and creating a space of flexibility-entropy-in which more salubrious patterns and narratives have an opportunity to coalesce as the snow slowly settles.”

So, how can we rewire our brain allowing deeply worn connections to disappear and new connections to form? The answer is quite simple. We must change the way we store information in our mind.

    Let’s examine 5 specific memorization techniques that will change the way you think and remember information.

    1. Build a Memory Palace

      What is it?

      The method of loci[1] (aka memory palace) is a method of memory enhancement using visualizations with the use of spatial memory. It uses familiar information about your environment to quickly recall information. It is a method that was discussed by Cicero in an ancient dialogue called De Oratore.

      How to use it?

      Ron White discusses in How to Memorize Fast and Easily: Build a Memory Palace, that it’s essentially a room or building that you have memorized and you use locations in the room to store data. Ron informs us,

      “You memorize locations in a room and then you later go back to those locations to retrieve the data that you want to remember.”

      Example

      An easy 5-step example, in the form of a Wiki, can be found at Artofmemory.com. Let’s examine the the steps:

      • Step 1. Choose a place that you know well. For example, your house or office.
      • Step 2. Plan the route and pick specific locations in your route. For example, your front door, bathroom kitchen, etc.
      • Step 3. Decide what you want to memorize. For example, geography, list of items, answers for a test, etc.
      • Step 4. Place one or two items, with a mental image, and place them in your memory palace. Exaggerate your images. For example, use nudity or crazy images forcing it to stick in your mind.
      • Step 5. Make the image into a mnemonic.

      You can learn more about this technique here: How to Build a Memory Palace to Remember More of Everything

      2. Mnemonic

        What is it?

        A mnemonic is a memory device that aids in retention and/or retrieval of information. Mnemonic systems are techniques consciously used to improve memory by helping us use information already stored in long-term memory to make memorization easier.[2]

        How to use it?

        Mnemonics make use of retrieval cues to encode information in our brain allowing for efficient storage and retrieval of the information. The trick is to learn how to easily create mnemonics. If you find that you struggle with creating your own, try the following website: Mnemonic Generator.

        Example

        I recently came across a video using mnemonics to memorize countries. Memorizing Countries using Mnemonics is a video created as an introduction to a class for using memory techniques to learn the names of countries on maps.

        I actively search for videos that provide enormous educational value, yet receive very little exposure. At the time of this writing, this video has received less than 4k views. Let’s examine the video.

        Goal: Create a mnemonic to memorize the countries in the Caribbean (just the countries you need to learn).

        Step 1. Looking at a map – write out each country (for which five were chosen).

        Cuba, Jamaica, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico.

        Step 2. Write the first letter of each country vertically.

        C

        J

        H

        D

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        P

        Step 3. Create a sentence or phrase.

        Cubs

        Just

        Hate

        Doing

        Push-ups

        Cubs just hate doing push-ups. (Cuba Jamaica Haiti Dominican Republic Puerto Rico)

        3. Mnemonic Peg System

          What is it?

          According to Artofmemory.com, a mnemonic peg system is a technique for memorizing lists and it works by memorizing a list of words that are easy to associate with the numbers they represent.[3] These objects are the pegs of the system.

          How to use it?

          The trick is to create a Number Rhyme System with each number having a rhyming mnemonic keyword.

          Example

          Let’s look at an example of a Number Rhyme System:[4]

          0 = hero

          1 = gun

          2 = shoe

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          3 = tree

          4 = door

          5 = hive

          6 = sticks

          7 = heaven

          8 = gate

          9 = line

          Another technique like the Peg system is the Number Shape System.[5] Here you are assigning mnemonic images based on the shape of the number. Watch the following video for an example of this system: Number Shape System for Memorizing Numbers.

          4. Chunking

            What is it?

            Chunking is a way to remember large bits of information by chunking them into smaller pieces of information. We are more likely to then remember the information when we put the small pieces back together to see the entire picture.

            How to use it?

            In the video Chunking – A Learning Technique, we can see that there are several ways to chunk information.

            Example

            Let’s examine a simple example using a nine-digit number.

            Step 1. What is the number you are trying to remember?

            081127882

            Step 2. Cut the number into smaller pieces through chunking.

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            081 – 127 – 882

            Let’s look at one more example from the same video.

            “Piano teachers will first demonstrate an entire song to students. They will then ask their students to practice one measure at a time. Once the part has been learned and the neural connections in the brain have been built, then students go on to the next measure. After all chunks have been played separately, they are combined until the entire piece is connected.”

            5. Transfer of Learning

              What is it?

              Transfer of learning is a way to learn something in one area and apply it in another. Authors of Thinking at Every Desk, Derek and Laura Cabrera inform us about the transfer of learning,

              “If a student has a high transfer skills, she can learn one thing and then teach herself 10, 50, or 100 additional things.”

              How to use it?

              There are two specific ways to use it:

              1. Vertical Transfer (aka Far Transfer). Think of learning something in grade school and applying it another grade or later in life.
              2. Horizontal Transfer (aka Near Transfer). Think of learning a concept in history and applying it in math.

              Example

              I provide a detailed step-by-step example for this technique in this article:

              Learn How to Learn: How to Understand and Connect Difficult Ideas Easily

              The Bottom Line

              The key to using the techniques discussed here is to remember that we must actively think about information.

              We cannot simply drill information into our brain through rote memorization. We must change the way we think about memorization. We must find a way to “shake the snow-globe” in our mind or flatten the snow so that we can create new learning paths.

              Or as Derek and Laura Cabrera point out, we must insert “Thinking” into the equation,

              “Information X Thinking = Knowledge”

              More About Enhancing Memories

              Featured photo credit: Nong Vang via unsplash.com

              Reference

              [1] Remember Everything: Memory Palaces and the Method of Loci
              [2] The Learning Center Exchange: 9 Types of Mnemonics for Better Memory
              [3] Art of Memory: Mnemonic Peg System
              [4] Art of Memory: Number Rhyme System
              [5] Art of Memory: Number Shape System

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