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Strict Rules Can Turn Kids Into Liars, According To Study

Strict Rules Can Turn Kids Into Liars, According To Study

Research has shown that children who have strict parents are more likely to lie than those who don’t. According to children’s expert Victoria Talwar, very strict parenting can have an effect on how children respond and the levels in which they deceive people, particularly their parents. Talwar specializes in cognitive behavioural patterns in children at McGill University, and she says that when children are dealing with strict rules they are also dealing with strict punishments. Because of their fear of the harsh consequences, these children try to find deceptive ways to get out of being punished.

The Peeping Game

A test called the “Peeping Game” was designed to test this theory. There were objects placed behind the children which made noises – the last of which made a noise that was impossible to decipher and relate to the object. This meant that the child could know what the object was only by peeking a look. Then the adults left the room leaving the child and the object inside. The child was later quizzed about the object and also whether they had snuck a look at it. Test results showed that kids with stricter parents were far more deceptive and quite skilled as liars when they were asked to tell the truth.

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Lying Does Not Necessarily Mean Harmful Intent

This does not necessarily indicate that the child is a delinquent or heading for a life of petty crime and dishonesty. In fact, it can mean quite the opposite. The child is developing quite advanced psychological skills that could actually be setting them up for a successful future. If a knack for lying developed naturally it could be more problematic. In the above incident, the child is consciously allowing the deception due to an outside force. If the child can consciously keep their lies from their facts straight, they can begin to have very clear perceptions of fact and fiction, and in fact use this to their advantage. It is important however not to encourage manipulation in children whatsoever.

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Children and Cognitive Ability

A child’s cognitive abilities can be observed through this experience. A child’s capability for deceptiveness is commonly linked to the abilities of their mind and the level in which cognition is developing. Children can show signs of thinking ‘out of the box’ due to creative deceptiveness and it also shows signs of a very good memory.

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At McGill University, Talwar and her team based children’s behaviour on studies involving a developmental model of lying. They said that children from the age of approximately two years began to tell ‘primary’ lies, which may detract from erroneous behaviours but which do not relate directly to the parent or have much connection with reacting to the parent’s behaviour. Children at the age of four years began with ‘secondary’ lies. These are more probable truths than the primary lies and are more personalised, and connected with the accused. ‘Tertiary’ lies are evident at the age of seven. These lies are said to integrate with the truth so that they are even more convincing.

When these models develop at an early age it can show signs of high intelligence in your child. So lying can be an advantage, and quite intellectual! The key is to be mindful of your child’s development.

Featured photo credit: Lubomir Simek via flickr.com

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Published on January 30, 2019

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

In roughly 60 percent of two-parent households with children under the age of 18, both parents work full time. But who takes time off work when the kids are sick in your house? And if you are a manager, how do you react when a man says he needs time to take his baby to the pediatrician?

The sad truth is, the default in many companies and families is to value the man’s work over the woman’s—even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations or compensation. This translates into stereotypes in the workplace that women are the primary caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s success on the job and their upward mobility.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time-use data (1965–2011), fathers in dual-income couples devote significantly less time than mothers do to child care.[1] Dads are doing more than twice as much housework as they used to (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours), but there is still a significant imbalance.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. In many offices, it is still taboo for dads to openly express that they have family obligations that need their attention. In contrast, the assumption that moms will be on the front lines of any family crisis is one that runs deep.

Consider an example from my company. A few years back, one of our team members joined us for an off-site meeting soon after returning from maternity leave. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called to say that the baby had been crying nonstop. While there was little our colleague could practically do to help with the situation, this call was clearly unsettling, and the result was that her attention was divided for the rest of an important business dinner.

This was her first night away since the baby’s birth, and I know that her spouse had already been on several business trips before this event. Yet, I doubt she called him during his conferences to ask child-care questions. Like so many moms everywhere, she was expected to figure things out on her own.

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The numbers show that this story is far from the exception. In another Pew survey, 47 percent of dual-income parents agreed that the moms take on more of the work when a child gets sick.[2] In addition, 39 percent of working mothers said they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to just 24 percent of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27 percent to 10 percent) to say they had quit their job at some point for family reasons.

Before any amazing stay-at-home-dads post an angry rebuttal comment, I want to be very clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their personal and professional responsibilities; that’s 100 percent their prerogative. Rather, I am taking aim at the culture of inequity that persists even when spouses have similar or identical professional responsibilities. This is an important issue for all of us because we are leaving untapped business and human potential on the table.

What’s more, I think my fellow men can do a lot about this. For those out there who still privately think that being a good dad just means helping out mom, it’s time to man up. Stop expecting working partners—who have similar professional responsibilities—to bear the majority of the child-care responsibilities as well.

Consider these ways to support your working spouse:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter.

Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach him or her. Have a back-up plan for transportation and emergency coverage.

Don’t simply expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.

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As in other areas of life, the way to build confidence is to learn by doing. Moms aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff any more than dads are.

2. Treat your partner the way you’d want to be treated.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call something to the effect of, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?”

However, when the tables are turned, men often make that same call at the first sign of trouble.

Distractions like this make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed.

When you’re in charge of the kids, do what she would do: Figure it out.

3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability.

This implies that the children are her first priority and your second.

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I admit I have been guilty in the past of telling clients, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move.” What I should have said was, “I’m taking care of my kids today.”

Why is it so hard for men to admit they have personal responsibilities? Remember that you are setting an example for your sons and daughters, and do the right thing.

4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise at home.

No one likes or wants disruptions, but life happens, and everyone will face a day when the troubling phone call comes from his sitter, her school nurse, or even elderly parents.

Accommodating personal needs is not a sign of weakness as a leader. Employees will be more likely to do great work if they know that you care about their personal obligations and family—and show them that you care about your own.

5. Don’t keep score or track time.

At home, it’s juvenile to get into debates about who last changed a diaper or did the dishes; everyone needs to contribute, but the big picture is what matters. Is everyone healthy and getting enough sleep? Are you enjoying each other’s company?

In business, too, avoid the trap of punching a clock. The focus should be on outcomes and performance rather than effort and inputs. That’s the way to maintain momentum toward overall goals.

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The Bottom Line

To be clear, I recognize that a great many working dads are doing a terrific job both on the home front and in their professional lives. My concern is that these standouts often aren’t visible to their colleagues; they intentionally or inadvertently let their work as parents fly under the radar. Dads need to be open and honest about family responsibilities to change perceptions in the workplace.

The question “How do you balance it all?” should not be something that’s just asked of women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough.

But it’s something that more parents should be doing together, as a team. This can be a real bonus for the couple relationship as well, because nothing gets in the way of good partnership faster than feelings of inequity.

On the plus side, I can tell you that parenting skills really do get better with practice—and that’s great for people of both sexes. I think our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve. Expanding these definitions will open the doors to richer contributions from everyone, because women can and should be both—and so should men.

Featured photo credit: NeONBRAND via unsplash.com

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