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Why It’s Totally Fine If Your Son Doesn’t Play Sports Or Your Daughter Doesn’t Dance

Why It’s Totally Fine If Your Son Doesn’t Play Sports Or Your Daughter Doesn’t Dance

Despite living in an age of enlightenment and innovation, as a society, we continue to be bound by rigid social conventions and gender stereotypes. Much of this is a generational issue, as gender roles were more clearly defined throughout the ages while both men and women had social expectations that they needed to fulfill.

There is also a distinctly human element to this, and one that influences the decisions that we make on a daily basis. As a blogger, I am all too familiar with this issue as I often find myself torn between creating content that I am passionate about or crafting articles that have a greater chance of driving content and driving traffic. This is part of a wider, everyday struggle, as we strive to realise our own unique ambitions while also coping with the gender and social constraints that are placed on us.

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Why children do not need to conform to gender stereotypes

This is particularly debilitating for children, and as parents, it is crucial that we do not continue the stereotypical views and expectations that shaped our own childhoods. While it may be natural to believe that your son should develop an interest in sports or that you daughter should be passionate about fashion or design, it does not necessarily mean that you should worry if they choose entirely different or unique paths in life.

On a fundamental level, the desire to see children adhere to such gender roles is actually borne out of fear and misconception. We mistakenly believe that if our son becomes involved in sport, for example, he will find the process of social integration easier and become an accepted part of society. If not, we fear that he is likely to become something of a social outcast, unable to form bonds or adapt to fulfill the expectations that society has of him. As a result, surely he will struggle to succeed in life and develop the attributes required to adhere to the typical, masculine stereotype?

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When you consider the longevity of certain gender stereotypes and social conventions, however, the decision of your children to pursue alternative paths in life should be viewed in a different light. After all, it takes a certain amount of courage, independent thought and mental strength for a boy to fly in the face of conformity and eschew sport for so-called feminine past-times. Ironically, courage and mental strength are some of the qualities that you would expect a stereotypical man to possess. In this respect, children can still uphold positive gender roles without having to conform to illogical and outdated conventions.

The pitfalls of gender stereotyping and what parents can do

While there may be perfectly logical reasons why gender stereotyping should be avoided, however, it can be hard for parents to challenge the conventions that have been ingrained in them. It is therefore important to determine some of the pitfalls of gender stereotyping, and how parents can take steps to refrain from this.

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For both men and women, oppression caused by gender stereotyping can stifle individual expression and creativity, which in turn can prevent children from developing their unique skills and pursuing a career that they can truly excel in. As a parent, it is therefore crucial that you support and encourage your children to pursue their passions, regardless of how you perceive them or of the regard that they are held in by society.

From a male perspective, choosing to impose gender stereotypes can impede emotional growth. This can also lead to low self-esteem and confidence issues in later life, particularly if your son grows up to become a house-husband or other similar roles. You must always focus on the emotional well-being of your son, and understand that the restrictions that you place on him in childhood can have a debilitating impact on adult life.

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The last word

As we can see, the gender stereotypes that continue to exist in modern society can have a debilitating impact on our children. It is our duty as parents to understand the reasons why these preconceived gender roles exist and the irrational fears that underpin them, before taking proactive steps to ensuring that our children are encouraged to pursue their own, unique ambitions in life.

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Published on January 30, 2019

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

In roughly 60 percent of two-parent households with children under the age of 18, both parents work full time. But who takes time off work when the kids are sick in your house? And if you are a manager, how do you react when a man says he needs time to take his baby to the pediatrician?

The sad truth is, the default in many companies and families is to value the man’s work over the woman’s—even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations or compensation. This translates into stereotypes in the workplace that women are the primary caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s success on the job and their upward mobility.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time-use data (1965–2011), fathers in dual-income couples devote significantly less time than mothers do to child care.[1] Dads are doing more than twice as much housework as they used to (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours), but there is still a significant imbalance.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. In many offices, it is still taboo for dads to openly express that they have family obligations that need their attention. In contrast, the assumption that moms will be on the front lines of any family crisis is one that runs deep.

Consider an example from my company. A few years back, one of our team members joined us for an off-site meeting soon after returning from maternity leave. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called to say that the baby had been crying nonstop. While there was little our colleague could practically do to help with the situation, this call was clearly unsettling, and the result was that her attention was divided for the rest of an important business dinner.

This was her first night away since the baby’s birth, and I know that her spouse had already been on several business trips before this event. Yet, I doubt she called him during his conferences to ask child-care questions. Like so many moms everywhere, she was expected to figure things out on her own.

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The numbers show that this story is far from the exception. In another Pew survey, 47 percent of dual-income parents agreed that the moms take on more of the work when a child gets sick.[2] In addition, 39 percent of working mothers said they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to just 24 percent of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27 percent to 10 percent) to say they had quit their job at some point for family reasons.

Before any amazing stay-at-home-dads post an angry rebuttal comment, I want to be very clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their personal and professional responsibilities; that’s 100 percent their prerogative. Rather, I am taking aim at the culture of inequity that persists even when spouses have similar or identical professional responsibilities. This is an important issue for all of us because we are leaving untapped business and human potential on the table.

What’s more, I think my fellow men can do a lot about this. For those out there who still privately think that being a good dad just means helping out mom, it’s time to man up. Stop expecting working partners—who have similar professional responsibilities—to bear the majority of the child-care responsibilities as well.

Consider these ways to support your working spouse:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter.

Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach him or her. Have a back-up plan for transportation and emergency coverage.

Don’t simply expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.

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As in other areas of life, the way to build confidence is to learn by doing. Moms aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff any more than dads are.

2. Treat your partner the way you’d want to be treated.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call something to the effect of, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?”

However, when the tables are turned, men often make that same call at the first sign of trouble.

Distractions like this make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed.

When you’re in charge of the kids, do what she would do: Figure it out.

3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability.

This implies that the children are her first priority and your second.

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I admit I have been guilty in the past of telling clients, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move.” What I should have said was, “I’m taking care of my kids today.”

Why is it so hard for men to admit they have personal responsibilities? Remember that you are setting an example for your sons and daughters, and do the right thing.

4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise at home.

No one likes or wants disruptions, but life happens, and everyone will face a day when the troubling phone call comes from his sitter, her school nurse, or even elderly parents.

Accommodating personal needs is not a sign of weakness as a leader. Employees will be more likely to do great work if they know that you care about their personal obligations and family—and show them that you care about your own.

5. Don’t keep score or track time.

At home, it’s juvenile to get into debates about who last changed a diaper or did the dishes; everyone needs to contribute, but the big picture is what matters. Is everyone healthy and getting enough sleep? Are you enjoying each other’s company?

In business, too, avoid the trap of punching a clock. The focus should be on outcomes and performance rather than effort and inputs. That’s the way to maintain momentum toward overall goals.

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The Bottom Line

To be clear, I recognize that a great many working dads are doing a terrific job both on the home front and in their professional lives. My concern is that these standouts often aren’t visible to their colleagues; they intentionally or inadvertently let their work as parents fly under the radar. Dads need to be open and honest about family responsibilities to change perceptions in the workplace.

The question “How do you balance it all?” should not be something that’s just asked of women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough.

But it’s something that more parents should be doing together, as a team. This can be a real bonus for the couple relationship as well, because nothing gets in the way of good partnership faster than feelings of inequity.

On the plus side, I can tell you that parenting skills really do get better with practice—and that’s great for people of both sexes. I think our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve. Expanding these definitions will open the doors to richer contributions from everyone, because women can and should be both—and so should men.

Featured photo credit: NeONBRAND via unsplash.com

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