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How to Overcome Anxious Thoughts With Milk, a Hat, and a Post Office

How to Overcome Anxious Thoughts With Milk, a Hat, and a Post Office

I want us to play a little game. I’m going to write down some phrases and you fill in the blanks with what comes to your mind.

Ready?

Go ahead and fill in the blanks.

” Stop beating about the _______.”

“At the drop of a _______.”

“I wouldn’t be caught _______ wearing that suit”

“He hit the nail on its _______.”

“Stop crying over spilt _______.”

How’d it go?

Now I have a few questions for you.

Why did you think of the words “bush,” “hat,” “dead,” “head,” and “milk”?

And more importantly, why did it take you less than a second to remember them? After all, when was the last time you ever dealt with these phrases? Perhaps a long time ago, right? So if it was that long ago, why do you still remember them today?

Let’s try it again.

This time, come up with a new set of endings for these phrases, without for a second thinking of “bush,” “hat,” “dead,” “head,” and “milk.” Don’t think of them even for a second. If you do, you lose and you have to start over.

Ready? Now fill in the blanks.

” Stop beating about the _______.”

“At the drop of a _______.”

“I wouldn’t be caught _______ wearing that suit”

“He hit the nail on its _______.”

“Stop crying over spilt _______.”

Did it work?

As hard as you tried to not think about them, did it work?

No, it didn’t.

This is your verbal history and it’s permanently stored in your brain. And there’s a very good chance we’ll be taking these silly words with us right to our deathbeds.

Picture yourself, for a second, lying there on a hospital bed and your best friend leans over and says “Hey Justin, stop crying over spilt…” And that’s it. How do you think your head is going to finish that sentence?

This exercise was a lot of fun, wasn’t it? Or did you just feel like you wasted 2 minutes of your life? If you did, my suggestion is for you to stop crying over spilt milk.

Think about all the other kinds of mental language we deal with that is much more painful.

“You cannot survive another panic attack.”

“You cannot ignore your thoughts. You just don’t have it in you.”

“You did this to yourself, loser.”

“You never experienced a childhood because you were abandoned.”

“The worst thing about you is that you just can’t get over it.”

“You have social anxiety and people think you’re weird.”

“You have not reached your goals and that’s shameful.”

“If only you didn’t have anxiety, your life could have been different.”

“This pain will never go away.”

These are thoughts that you’ve been constantly trying to fight or negotiate with, all in order to get them to grant you a more sympathetic and compassionate ending.

“Oh sweet child, you were always great, and everything will be just fine.”

Nope. None of that comes along, and if it does, it’s quickly crushed by the other voices.

“Ya right.”

Here’s the thing.

Your mind will likely never think of anything else but “hat” whenever you hear the phrase “at the drop of a …”, even though you’ve been going through life without this “hat” nonsense forever in your head.

So how can you expect your mind to not come up with the words “failure” or “panic” or “depressed” or “anxious” (or whatever thoughts torment you), when all you do (all day, everyday) is intentionally battle against them?

If I cannot make you forget “bush,” “hat,” “dead”, “head,” and “milk,” I cannot make you forget any of your other verbal history either.

But for some reason, this tears us apart, doesn’t it?

We expect different rules to apply when it’s emotional pain we’re struggling with.

We become stubborn. We become rigid. We become non-negotiable.

We expect our lives to start only after these thoughts around our emotional pain become nicer to us.

“Please thoughts, stop telling me I’m a failure. If you can’t tell me anything nice, at least try not to say anything at all.”

And that is our mistake.

The point is not to argue that your thought is wrong. In fact, getting caught in that exercise (even in therapy) pretty much always takes us down. The thought becomes even more entangling.

When they become more entangling, we start believing even more that the conclusions or events evaluated by the thoughts are 100% correct.

But they’re not true.

They just cannot be.

Even if you’ve faced the worst forms of trauma in your life, the thought that says “You got screwed over by life,” is not true.

How do I know this? Because for it to come down to that very permanent verdict, you’d have to be at the very last second of your life when you know for sure that there’s literally nothing left.

Sure, your thought in the present might accurately describe past events — “Yes, she did get screwed over when her parents abandoned her as a child.” — but when your thought in the present starts pretending like it has the power to know the exact future, just because the mind can always create any network to make the linkages between anything and anything else seem possible, then it’s not to be trusted.

Let me explain this a little more.

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The mind can relate anything to anything.

And in a minute, I’ll show you how ridiculously true this is.

The point is that this design — bestowed on the mind by mother nature — is the very reason why the human species has gone from jungle days to building spaceships and making self-driving cars.

It’s also the reason why emotional pain can never be cured the way we want it to be.

First, wanna see how the mind can arbitrarily relate anything to anything?

Exercise: Milk and a Post Office

Level: Easy

Instructions: Go ahead and give me 2 reasons why milk is better than a post office.

Don’t dismiss this exercise because of how silly it looks and sounds.

Stay with it.

Come up with at least 2 reasons. You’ll probably come up with more if you give it time.

So how did it go? At first, you must have thought “This is ridiculous. How can I compare milk with a post office?”

And then what happened? You managed to do it anyway, didn’t you?

Milk contains calcium that is good for the bones. A post office does not.

Milk is white — a soothing, nurturing color. A post office is not.

I can get to milk right away by going over to my refrigerator. A post office is farther.

Now flip it.

Why is a post office better than milk?

Yes, that right. I’m asking you to abandon your evaluation of how milk is better. Instead, start thinking about how a post office is better.

Here’s one reason I can think of.

A post office helps me send letters to people I love. Milk doesn’t.

What are your reasons?

So now that you have your reasons why milk is better than a post office, and also some reasons why a post office is better, what is your final conclusion?

Which is better, milk or a post office?

It is here you’ll find yourself going back to your first reaction to this exercise.

“This is ridiculous. How can I compare milk with a post office?”

And you’re right. It simply cannot be true that milk is better than a post office or vice versa. Period. And yet your mind did come up with justifications to create a relation and make one better than the other.

Not just that. It then went further to justify these relations.

Who can argue with the reality that yes, milk does contain calcium that is good for the bones, while a post office does not?

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But does just knowing this make you go around telling your friends “I like milk better than a post office”? No, right? But why not? After all, your mind made the relation, so why don’t you go about living your life according to it?

This is exactly what we mean when we say that in certain contexts, the mind just cannot be trusted with its relational networks, even though there is nothing you can do to stop the mind’s process of relating.

Consider the relational networks the mind has created that are much more hurtful.

Basically, these are anything that the mind has created to link painful outcomes in the past to predicted pain in the future.

Here’s one example of a network that our mind can create to link (or relate) a bad past to a bad future:

“She got screwed over before > She will never trust again > She’ll keep pushing people away because of this distrust > She’ll always be alone in the end > She’ll never live happily, even though it was never her fault > She got screwed over by life.”

Here’s another:

“She had 2 manic depressive episodes in her twenties > She will have another now that her husband left her for another woman.”

Now just by reading this, our mind will argue that this link or association or network isn’t “arbitrary” at all. The mind will find plenty of evidence for it, because even here, it will start creating new networks to find justifications for the original relational network.

Wanna see how? Here goes:

“Studies show that 90% of people who have been through a depressive episode will have another one.”

What did the mind just do here?

It grabbed onto “evidence” to support the assumption that depression doesn’t get cured.

And we can’t argue facts as they exist in the world historically. After all, the study “did show” the results, didn’t it?

But what about the 10% who didn’t get depression ever again? Or what about another study that shows different results? Or what about a possibility that this “90%” did not hear about the “Relational Frame Theory” (that we’re discussing here) that could have saved them from another relapse?

Even here — and expectedly once again — the mind will create justifications to uphold its original relational link and now new relational links, just because it always can.

“Maybe the 10% lied. Or were delusional.”

“Maybe other studies weren’t as good as this one.”

“Maybe the Relational Frame Theory is horseshit.”

The justifications will always come.

Remember this is the same mind that can make a post office seem better than milk.

The point is not to curse the relations, or in fact the mind’s ability to make them. It is to recognize that the mind does this by default and that this ability of the mind to always be able to create some form of bad news is not a sign of a mental illness. Neither does it mean that behavior and life’s decisions have to be formed on the basis of these relations.

Usually, the most difficult networks to handle are the ones we’re trying to get rid of the most.

This is because their content is intimately linked to our deepest values, yearnings, and desires.

I don’t care about a relational network that my mind creates between milk and a post office because… who cares, right?

But when the mind is creating a network that ends with me being in a ton of pain and distress, then I care very much, don’t I?

The problem with rejecting the “arbitrariness of the mind” when it’s emotional pain we’re dealing with is that we start another losing battle — that of trying to “convince” the mind that its relational networks are wrong. That is a war we cannot win.

Why?

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Yes, you guessed it. Because once again, all your victories and successes are just a millisecond away from yet another relational network that the mind can create — just like that!

Let’s say you spend years in therapy and are finally convinced in your head and heart that this thought you have rehearsed your whole life — “I’ve been a failure” — has indeed been incorrect all along.

It took 10 years of suffering and 5 years of therapy to get you to accept that your mind tricked you.

And so now, you tell your thought something like this:

“No, I haven’t been a failure my whole life.”

“Oh yeah, but you’ve thought that your whole life, which kinda makes you a failure all this while just for thinking you’re a failure, when you shouldn’t have.”

It just doesn’t stop, does it?

Cluelessly, we keep mislabeling our failed attempts to control thoughts or control our mind from creating these cues as signs of a mental illness.

“Gosh, my inner critic is never happy. It’s true. I really am suffering from depression. I’m just an unhappy person.”

Ha!

Wanna get your inner critic to leave you alone?

Wanna get your negative thoughts to leave you alone? Wanna get your anxiety to leave you alone?

If you truly want them to leave you alone, then in exchange, you have to leave something alone.

Your mind — leave it alone.

The fight with the mind will get dirtier and more entangling, and you’ll start believing there’s no way out. Arguing with the mind to problem-solve emotional pain doesn’t work.

You know what does work? Saying to your mind “Whatever, man.”

When we move on with our plans without begging for the mind’s permission or blessings, we win.

Because then nothing can hold us back from living.

How do we get to this point?

Congratulations, you’re doing it already.

You’re understanding how the mind works and you’re cutting yourself some slack when it automatically comes up with crap you don’t like.

If you couldn’t stop the word “hat,” and if you couldn’t stop the mind from making “milk” seem better than a “post office,” then what about your anxiety thoughts?

Yes, you’re off the hook.

You are free to start your life with them around.

If you think you can’t, drink some milk and get some perspective. And if this finally works, write me a letter and mail it to me. Promise me you’ll smile at the post office.

Featured photo credit: Ivan Karasev via hd.unsplash.com

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Namita Gujral

Anxiety Coach

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Last Updated on August 15, 2018

7 Amazing Things That Will Happen When You Do Plank Every Day

7 Amazing Things That Will Happen When You Do Plank Every Day

Bodyweight exercises are gaining ground in the fitness world due to the practicality and simplicity of getting in shape using your own body weight. Planks are one form of bodyweight exercises that will never go out of fashion. Planks are one of the most effective exercises you can do. Why? Because they require a small time investment on your part, and offer the chance to achieve substantial results in a relatively short span of time.

Video Summary

Why is it important to train up our core strength?

There are numerous sites and blogs which detail ways to build your core muscles or core strength. Often though, these sites neglect to explain what your core muscles actually are, and why building them is important.

This is quite surprising, as core muscles are quite easy to explain. Your core muscles are a series of muscles in your midsection, and are used in most forms of movement. Though they aren’t housed in your arms or legs, your core muscles can help transfer force from one limb to another, or are used in addition to muscles in your arms or legs to increase their effectiveness. As such a strong core will make a big improvement on your ability to move and exercise further.

Also they are great for helping other muscles in your midsection such as your abdominal muscles. Your abdominal muscles are important for supporting your back and spinal column, and as such are important aids in preventing injuries. However for them to be most effective you need to spend a lot of time developing your core muscles.

In short, planking exercises can make a huge improvement in your muscles down your whole body. Making them a hugely effective exercise to perform.

One Exercise, multiple benefits

There are few forms of exercise as effective at building your core as planking exercises. However, planking exercises benefit far more than just your core strength.

By holding yourself in the position for a planking exercise, you’ll notice that your biceps, neck, and shoulder muscles are also being tested and strained. This this encouraging their buildup and development. This is great news if you like to do press ups, developed shoulder muscles will have a big impact on your press up performance.

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When planking, you are holding yourself up through your arms and biceps and so by holding a planking position, your arm muscles are being toned and developed. Making planking a great alternative exercise to other forms of bicep developing exercises.

Moving down your midsection, successful plank exercises actually develop the muscles in your butt! These muscles tend to be ignored by a lot of exercises, so this is another great benefit of plank exercises.

In much the same way as you develop your biceps and arm muscles, holding the planking position helps develop the muscles in your thighs too.

What is even better is that planking exercises don’t take much time at all. In fact you should probably only spend about ten minutes max per day in the planking exercise.

What will happen when you start doing planks every day

    1. You’ll improve core definition and performance: 

    Planks are an ideal exercise for the abdominal muscles exactly because they engage all major core muscle groups including the transverse abdominus, the rectus abdominusthe external oblique muscle, and the glutes. The importance of strengthening each muscle group cannot be underestimated either, for all of these groups serve their own purpose. If you strengthen these muscle groups you will notice:

    • Transverse abdominis: increased ability to lift heavier weights.
    • Rectus adbominis: improved sports performance, particularly with jumping. This muscle group is also responsible for giving you the renowned six pack look.
    • Oblique muscles: improved capacity for stable side-bending and waist-twisting
    • Glutes: a supported back and a strong, shapely booty.

    2. You’ll decrease your risk of injury in the back and spinal column

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      Doing planks is a type of exercise that allow you to build muscle while also making sure that you are not putting too much pressure on your spine or hips. According to the American Council on Exercise, doing planks regularly not only significantly reduces back pain but it also strengthens your muscles and ensures a strong support for your entire back, especially in the areas around your upper back.

      Check out this article if you would like to find out about how doing planks on different surfaces can impact the effectiveness of this exercise in strengthening your core.

      3. You’ll experience an increased boost to your overall metabolism

        Planking is an excellent way of challenging your entire body because doing them every day will burn more calories than other traditional abdominal exercises, such as crunches or sit-ups. The muscles you strengthen by doing this exercise on a day-to-day basis will ensure that you burn more energy even when sedentary. This is especially important if you are spending the majority of your day sitting in front of a computer. Also, making it a daily 10- to 1 minute home exercise before or after work will not only provide an enhanced metabolic rate but it will also ensure that that metabolic rate remains high all day long, (yes, even while you are asleep).

        4. You’ll significantly improve your posture

          Planking exercises have a great impact and improvement on your posture. This is great news as a strong posture brings with it a huge number of fantastic benefits .

          A good posture keeps your bones and joins in the correct alignment which means both your bones and joints will be better maintained and more healthy, but also means the overall effectiveness of your muscles will be improved.

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          A good posture will ensure your back or spine is in the correct position and so you will suffer less back pain.

          On top of everything, someone with good posture looks better, healthier, and more confident.

          5. You’ll improve overall balance

            Have you ever felt that when you tried standing on one leg, you couldn’t stand up straight for more than a couple of seconds? It’s not because you were drunk- unless you happened to be at the time!-  but rather, it’s because your abdominal muscles weren’t strong enough to give you the balance you needed. Through improving your balance by doing side planks and planks with extensions you will boost your performance in every kind of sporting activity.

            6. You’ll become more flexible than ever before

              Flexibility is a key benefit of doing planks regularly, for this form of exercise expands and stretches all your posterior muscle groups – shouldersshoulder blades, and collarbone – while also stretching your hamstrings, arches of your feet, and toes. With a side plank added in to the mix, you can also work on your oblique muscles. This will provide you with further benefits when it comes to hyper-extending your toes, a movement that is crucial for supporting your body’s weight.

              7. You’ll witness mental benefits

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                Plank exercises have a particular effect on our nerves, making them an excellent means of improving overall mood. How? Well, they stretch out muscle groups that contribute to stress and tension in the body. Just think about it: you are sitting in your chair, at home or at work, all day long; your thigh muscles get tight, your legs get heavy due to being bent for several hours; and tension develops in your shoulders due to being forced to slump forward all day. These are all circumstances that put too stress on the muscles and nerves. The good news is that planks not only calm your brain, but they can also treat anxiety and symptoms of depression– but only if you make it part of your daily routine.

                How to hold a plank position

                1. Get into pushup position on the floor.
                2. Now bend your elbows 90 degrees and rest your weight on your forearms.
                3. Keep your torso straight and rigid and your body in a straight line from ears to toes with no sagging or bending.
                4. Your head is relaxed and you should be looking at the floor.
                5. Hold the position for as long as you can.
                6. Remember to breathe. Inhale and exhale slowly and steadily.
                7. When your form begins to suffer, pull the plug. You’re only benefiting from the plank by actually doing the plank.

                Watch the video if you have any doubt!

                Here is a great infographic that shows the best plank variation exercises to evenly target all abdominal muscle groups:

                  How to improve your plank time gradually

                  1. Start with the easier variation if needed. You can start with a bent-knee plank if you can’t perform a regular plank yet. If you can hold a plank for more than two minutes with ease, you can move on to these tougher variations.
                  2. Practise every day. Space your planking exercise throughout the day and do 3-4 times every day. Try to hold the position 10 seconds longer each time.
                  3. Perform other body-weight exercises at the same time. Push-up and squat will improve your core strength too.

                  Are you ready to devote 5-10 minutes of your day, every day, to stay fit, healthy and, most importantly, strong as a bull? Then jump in and make doing plank exercises a part of your life.

                  Who Should Be Cautious Doing The Plank?

                  You need to be cautious doing Planking exercises if any of these risks apply to you:

                  • Prolapse
                  • After prolapse surgery
                  • Pelvic pain conditions
                  • Weak or poorly functioning pelvic floor muscles
                  • Previous childbirth
                  • Overweight

                  Choose an alternative pelvic floor abdominal exercise or consult your doctor before performing plank regularly.

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