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How to Overcome Anxious Thoughts With Milk, a Hat, and a Post Office

How to Overcome Anxious Thoughts With Milk, a Hat, and a Post Office

I want us to play a little game. I’m going to write down some phrases and you fill in the blanks with what comes to your mind.

Ready?

Go ahead and fill in the blanks.

” Stop beating about the _______.”

“At the drop of a _______.”

“I wouldn’t be caught _______ wearing that suit”

“He hit the nail on its _______.”

“Stop crying over spilt _______.”

How’d it go?

Now I have a few questions for you.

Why did you think of the words “bush,” “hat,” “dead,” “head,” and “milk”?

And more importantly, why did it take you less than a second to remember them? After all, when was the last time you ever dealt with these phrases? Perhaps a long time ago, right? So if it was that long ago, why do you still remember them today?

Let’s try it again.

This time, come up with a new set of endings for these phrases, without for a second thinking of “bush,” “hat,” “dead,” “head,” and “milk.” Don’t think of them even for a second. If you do, you lose and you have to start over.

Ready? Now fill in the blanks.

” Stop beating about the _______.”

“At the drop of a _______.”

“I wouldn’t be caught _______ wearing that suit”

“He hit the nail on its _______.”

“Stop crying over spilt _______.”

Did it work?

As hard as you tried to not think about them, did it work?

No, it didn’t.

This is your verbal history and it’s permanently stored in your brain. And there’s a very good chance we’ll be taking these silly words with us right to our deathbeds.

Picture yourself, for a second, lying there on a hospital bed and your best friend leans over and says “Hey Justin, stop crying over spilt…” And that’s it. How do you think your head is going to finish that sentence?

This exercise was a lot of fun, wasn’t it? Or did you just feel like you wasted 2 minutes of your life? If you did, my suggestion is for you to stop crying over spilt milk.

Think about all the other kinds of mental language we deal with that is much more painful.

“You cannot survive another panic attack.”

“You cannot ignore your thoughts. You just don’t have it in you.”

“You did this to yourself, loser.”

“You never experienced a childhood because you were abandoned.”

“The worst thing about you is that you just can’t get over it.”

“You have social anxiety and people think you’re weird.”

“You have not reached your goals and that’s shameful.”

“If only you didn’t have anxiety, your life could have been different.”

“This pain will never go away.”

These are thoughts that you’ve been constantly trying to fight or negotiate with, all in order to get them to grant you a more sympathetic and compassionate ending.

“Oh sweet child, you were always great, and everything will be just fine.”

Nope. None of that comes along, and if it does, it’s quickly crushed by the other voices.

“Ya right.”

Here’s the thing.

Your mind will likely never think of anything else but “hat” whenever you hear the phrase “at the drop of a …”, even though you’ve been going through life without this “hat” nonsense forever in your head.

So how can you expect your mind to not come up with the words “failure” or “panic” or “depressed” or “anxious” (or whatever thoughts torment you), when all you do (all day, everyday) is intentionally battle against them?

If I cannot make you forget “bush,” “hat,” “dead”, “head,” and “milk,” I cannot make you forget any of your other verbal history either.

But for some reason, this tears us apart, doesn’t it?

We expect different rules to apply when it’s emotional pain we’re struggling with.

We become stubborn. We become rigid. We become non-negotiable.

We expect our lives to start only after these thoughts around our emotional pain become nicer to us.

“Please thoughts, stop telling me I’m a failure. If you can’t tell me anything nice, at least try not to say anything at all.”

And that is our mistake.

The point is not to argue that your thought is wrong. In fact, getting caught in that exercise (even in therapy) pretty much always takes us down. The thought becomes even more entangling.

When they become more entangling, we start believing even more that the conclusions or events evaluated by the thoughts are 100% correct.

But they’re not true.

They just cannot be.

Even if you’ve faced the worst forms of trauma in your life, the thought that says “You got screwed over by life,” is not true.

How do I know this? Because for it to come down to that very permanent verdict, you’d have to be at the very last second of your life when you know for sure that there’s literally nothing left.

Sure, your thought in the present might accurately describe past events — “Yes, she did get screwed over when her parents abandoned her as a child.” — but when your thought in the present starts pretending like it has the power to know the exact future, just because the mind can always create any network to make the linkages between anything and anything else seem possible, then it’s not to be trusted.

Let me explain this a little more.

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The mind can relate anything to anything.

And in a minute, I’ll show you how ridiculously true this is.

The point is that this design — bestowed on the mind by mother nature — is the very reason why the human species has gone from jungle days to building spaceships and making self-driving cars.

It’s also the reason why emotional pain can never be cured the way we want it to be.

First, wanna see how the mind can arbitrarily relate anything to anything?

Exercise: Milk and a Post Office

Level: Easy

Instructions: Go ahead and give me 2 reasons why milk is better than a post office.

Don’t dismiss this exercise because of how silly it looks and sounds.

Stay with it.

Come up with at least 2 reasons. You’ll probably come up with more if you give it time.

So how did it go? At first, you must have thought “This is ridiculous. How can I compare milk with a post office?”

And then what happened? You managed to do it anyway, didn’t you?

Milk contains calcium that is good for the bones. A post office does not.

Milk is white — a soothing, nurturing color. A post office is not.

I can get to milk right away by going over to my refrigerator. A post office is farther.

Now flip it.

Why is a post office better than milk?

Yes, that right. I’m asking you to abandon your evaluation of how milk is better. Instead, start thinking about how a post office is better.

Here’s one reason I can think of.

A post office helps me send letters to people I love. Milk doesn’t.

What are your reasons?

So now that you have your reasons why milk is better than a post office, and also some reasons why a post office is better, what is your final conclusion?

Which is better, milk or a post office?

It is here you’ll find yourself going back to your first reaction to this exercise.

“This is ridiculous. How can I compare milk with a post office?”

And you’re right. It simply cannot be true that milk is better than a post office or vice versa. Period. And yet your mind did come up with justifications to create a relation and make one better than the other.

Not just that. It then went further to justify these relations.

Who can argue with the reality that yes, milk does contain calcium that is good for the bones, while a post office does not?

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But does just knowing this make you go around telling your friends “I like milk better than a post office”? No, right? But why not? After all, your mind made the relation, so why don’t you go about living your life according to it?

This is exactly what we mean when we say that in certain contexts, the mind just cannot be trusted with its relational networks, even though there is nothing you can do to stop the mind’s process of relating.

Consider the relational networks the mind has created that are much more hurtful.

Basically, these are anything that the mind has created to link painful outcomes in the past to predicted pain in the future.

Here’s one example of a network that our mind can create to link (or relate) a bad past to a bad future:

“She got screwed over before > She will never trust again > She’ll keep pushing people away because of this distrust > She’ll always be alone in the end > She’ll never live happily, even though it was never her fault > She got screwed over by life.”

Here’s another:

“She had 2 manic depressive episodes in her twenties > She will have another now that her husband left her for another woman.”

Now just by reading this, our mind will argue that this link or association or network isn’t “arbitrary” at all. The mind will find plenty of evidence for it, because even here, it will start creating new networks to find justifications for the original relational network.

Wanna see how? Here goes:

“Studies show that 90% of people who have been through a depressive episode will have another one.”

What did the mind just do here?

It grabbed onto “evidence” to support the assumption that depression doesn’t get cured.

And we can’t argue facts as they exist in the world historically. After all, the study “did show” the results, didn’t it?

But what about the 10% who didn’t get depression ever again? Or what about another study that shows different results? Or what about a possibility that this “90%” did not hear about the “Relational Frame Theory” (that we’re discussing here) that could have saved them from another relapse?

Even here — and expectedly once again — the mind will create justifications to uphold its original relational link and now new relational links, just because it always can.

“Maybe the 10% lied. Or were delusional.”

“Maybe other studies weren’t as good as this one.”

“Maybe the Relational Frame Theory is horseshit.”

The justifications will always come.

Remember this is the same mind that can make a post office seem better than milk.

The point is not to curse the relations, or in fact the mind’s ability to make them. It is to recognize that the mind does this by default and that this ability of the mind to always be able to create some form of bad news is not a sign of a mental illness. Neither does it mean that behavior and life’s decisions have to be formed on the basis of these relations.

Usually, the most difficult networks to handle are the ones we’re trying to get rid of the most.

This is because their content is intimately linked to our deepest values, yearnings, and desires.

I don’t care about a relational network that my mind creates between milk and a post office because… who cares, right?

But when the mind is creating a network that ends with me being in a ton of pain and distress, then I care very much, don’t I?

The problem with rejecting the “arbitrariness of the mind” when it’s emotional pain we’re dealing with is that we start another losing battle — that of trying to “convince” the mind that its relational networks are wrong. That is a war we cannot win.

Why?

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Yes, you guessed it. Because once again, all your victories and successes are just a millisecond away from yet another relational network that the mind can create — just like that!

Let’s say you spend years in therapy and are finally convinced in your head and heart that this thought you have rehearsed your whole life — “I’ve been a failure” — has indeed been incorrect all along.

It took 10 years of suffering and 5 years of therapy to get you to accept that your mind tricked you.

And so now, you tell your thought something like this:

“No, I haven’t been a failure my whole life.”

“Oh yeah, but you’ve thought that your whole life, which kinda makes you a failure all this while just for thinking you’re a failure, when you shouldn’t have.”

It just doesn’t stop, does it?

Cluelessly, we keep mislabeling our failed attempts to control thoughts or control our mind from creating these cues as signs of a mental illness.

“Gosh, my inner critic is never happy. It’s true. I really am suffering from depression. I’m just an unhappy person.”

Ha!

Wanna get your inner critic to leave you alone?

Wanna get your negative thoughts to leave you alone? Wanna get your anxiety to leave you alone?

If you truly want them to leave you alone, then in exchange, you have to leave something alone.

Your mind — leave it alone.

The fight with the mind will get dirtier and more entangling, and you’ll start believing there’s no way out. Arguing with the mind to problem-solve emotional pain doesn’t work.

You know what does work? Saying to your mind “Whatever, man.”

When we move on with our plans without begging for the mind’s permission or blessings, we win.

Because then nothing can hold us back from living.

How do we get to this point?

Congratulations, you’re doing it already.

You’re understanding how the mind works and you’re cutting yourself some slack when it automatically comes up with crap you don’t like.

If you couldn’t stop the word “hat,” and if you couldn’t stop the mind from making “milk” seem better than a “post office,” then what about your anxiety thoughts?

Yes, you’re off the hook.

You are free to start your life with them around.

If you think you can’t, drink some milk and get some perspective. And if this finally works, write me a letter and mail it to me. Promise me you’ll smile at the post office.

Featured photo credit: Ivan Karasev via hd.unsplash.com

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Namita Gujral

Anxiety Coach

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Published on June 29, 2020

8 Best Air Purifiers for a Healthy Home

8 Best Air Purifiers for a Healthy Home

Whether you suffer from allergies, have pet friends, or live in a climate where bacteria thrive, the best air purifier will make sure that your home’s air is clean and fresh at all times. We all clean our houses regularly, but it is easy to look over the most important element in our homes, apart from the surfaces, and that’s air. Thanks to the best air purifier, the air in your home will be more breathable and cleaner.

Why You Should Trust Us

If you are looking for which best air purifier is for you, we here at Lifehack have put in the time and effort to find it. There are so many to pick and choose from, so we sifted through dozens to find purifiers suitable for many people.

For these air purifier reviews, we will be suggesting home filters based on three criteria:

  • CADR: The rating that’s used to determine an air purifier’s effectiveness.
  • Room Size: The area that an air purifier takes up in a room.
  • Noise: How loud and distracting it can get.

With these in mind, here are the suggestions for the best air purifiers you can get.

1. Winix 5500-2 Air Purifier

    If you’re looking for an ozone air purifier, this is a solid option. The HEPA filter is capable of capturing up to 99.97% of airborne pollutants, dust mites, and more. The filters provided are able to be washed, and the air purifier has a CADR of 360 square feet. It’s suitable for kitchens and medium to large bedrooms or living spaces.

    That said, the air purifier does have some issues with the sensor, particularly in the auto mode. You’re also stuck with the color of this air purifier as is: black.

    Buy this Air Purifier!

    2. Blueair Blue Pure 211+ Air Purifier

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      When considering an alternative, we suggest Blueair’s air purifier. It’s an air purifier that addresses allergies and is safe for pets. It’s able to capture 99% of airborne pollutants and is capable of filtering odors from smoking, pets, cooking, and wildfires. Even the sound it makes isn’t loud. The lowest setting is a sound equivalent to a whisper, and the highest is a sound equivalent to rainfall.

      One downside is the fact this filter is relatively small and is meant to be stationed on the floor. It’s about as tall as a small child, so it’s easy for children to stick their fingers or other objects into the air cleaner. Also, considering the size, it’s not built to handle larger rooms unless you get multiple. Even then, customers noted that the sound could be irritating when using multiple filters in a room.

      Buy this Air Purifier!

      3. Hathaspace Smart True HEPA Air Purifier

        For the best air purifier for your money, the Hathaspace air purifier is a good option. It allows you to adjust settings manually and works well as an air purification system capable of capturing 99.97% of air pollutants, gas, and more. It also comes with a 2-year warranty, so it’s not as risky as other brands that may only have a month or three-month warranty.

        That said, many customers noted that it’s not good at keeping back odors as much. The air purifier has a tendency to shut off when the air quality is good, regardless of if the room smells bad.

        Buy this Air Purifier!

        4. GENIANI Home Air Purifier

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          The air purifier from Geniani is another solid option for those looking to fight off allergies and want efficiency in their air purifier. The air cleanser comes with a 2-year warranty and is known for its power while still remaining quiet. You can choose between three speeds, and it even has a nightlight option, too.

          All in all, it’s a great product, though people struggled a little bit with the nightlight option. The light is a little too bright when it’s in the dark, making it disruptive if you’re the type of person who prefers completely dark rooms when sleeping.

          Buy this Air Purifier!

          5. Honeywell HFD-120-Q QuietClean Oscillating Air Purifier

            Another consideration for air purifier home use is Honeywell’s air purifier. One of the big perks from this air cleanser is that the three filters are able to be washed and used permanently, saving you the struggle of buying additional filters. The company also provides replacement filters should the filters perform poorly or get worn down. Beyond that, it’s capable of capturing 99% of air pollutants and is energy efficient, too.

            The air purifier itself is quiet, however, and if you allow it to swivel, the parts themselves could make a loud squeaking sound after a while. It’s also not as strong as other air purifiers around, with customers noting that a ceiling fan may be better.

            Buy this Air Purifier!

            6. PARTU Air Purifier

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              Another cheap option is the PARTU air purifier. Some of the main selling points is that it has an ultra-silent sleep mode, a 4-step filtration process, and serves as a night light thanks to the color ring on it.

              Similar to other small filters, this filter isn’t going to be very strong. Furthermore, many customers noted that the filter emitted a sweet scent from it after a while.

              Buy this Air Purifier!

              7. LEVOIT Air Purifier

                The LEVOIT air purifier is a compact air cleaner that actually is actually quite strong for its size. Its CADR is high enough it can cover a 219 square foot space. And although it’s strong, it’s designed to make minimal noise. Pair that up with it being ozone-free and energy-efficient, and you have a solid air cleaner.

                However, like most other air filters you’ll find, it is good at cleaning the air but isn’t as strong when dealing with odors in particular. Furthermore, despite its strength, it struggles to handle larger rooms, making it more suitable for small rooms.

                Buy this Air Purifier!

                8. Coway White HEPA Air Purifier

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                  The final filter that we have found is this one from Coway. It’s designed to handle room sizes of up to 361 square feet, offers a 4-stage filtration system, and also has an eco-mode to conserve energy when it’s done filtering.

                  One of the largest criticisms for this air purifier is that the fan settings range widely from the noise pollution. Some customers compared the settings between 2 and 3 to a weaker version of the 1st setting (barely making a sound) to a jet engine starting up. Some people also noted that the air purifier tends to wobble and shake, too.

                  Buy this Air Purifier!

                  FAQ

                  Q: Do air purifiers really work?
                  A: In short, yes. An air purifier consists of one filter (or more) and a fan that pulls in and circulates the air. Exactly like water filters, the idea is that the home air purifiers will capture all of the pollutants and particles before pushing out the rest of the air.

                  As for the filters, depending on the brand, you’ll have different kinds of filters. Filters can be made of paper, fiberglass, or mesh.

                  So long as you are taking care of the air purifier by replacing the filters on occasion, an air purifier should work smoothly and without any major issues.

                  Q: Can HEPA Air Purifiers prevent Covid-19?
                  A: Unfortunately, there is no air purifier that can do anything to prevent or kill the coronavirus. As mentioned above, air purifiers focus on collecting particles and pollutants. 

                  As such, an air purifier, HEPA or any air cleaner, can capture the virus, but the virus will be able to live within the filter for a period of time.

                  Final Thoughts

                  The market is filled with all kinds of air purifiers, and overall, many of them are capable of handling air quality. That said, there may be slight issues depending on what you’re looking for. No matter the case, you are taking the risk of potentially getting a purifier that may run into issues with smells or making too much noise. It’s part of the territory it seems. However, any one of the above air purifiers will help clean up the air and leave your house at least a little fresher. 

                  More Tips on Improving Air Quality

                  Featured photo credit: Progressive Insurance via unsplash.com

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