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7 Parenting Mistakes That Harm The Well-Being Of Children

7 Parenting Mistakes That Harm The Well-Being Of Children

In many ways, being a parent is the most delicate balancing act of all. Not only must we lead our children into adulthood and encourage them to grow, but there is also a pressing need to act as their guardians to protect them from physical and mental harm.

This balance is difficult to achieve, and even with the best of intentions it is possible to make inadvertent mistakes that impact negatively on the growth and well-being of your children. With an awareness of these parenting pitfalls, however, you can hopefully avoid them and protect your children from long-term harm.

Parenting Mistakes that inadvertently can harm your Children

1. Failing to practice what we Preach

While children must ultimately be empowered to forge their own path in life, it is our responsibility as parents to instil the values and principles that will guide their decisions as accountable adults. Make no mistake; actions speak louder than words in the mind of a child, so it is crucial that you try to impart behaviours and values through a consistent, physical example.

If your own behaviour is unethical and does not match the values that you preach, your child will notice and develop a confused set of values which hinder strong decision making.

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2. Imposing our own will on your children

As a strong-minded parent, it is natural that you would want them to follow in your footsteps. There may be unhealthy psychological reasons for this, however, such a desire to control your child or live vicariously through their actions. Either way, it is important to ensure that you do not inadvertently impose your own will on your child, however, as this can cause them to follow a future course that leads to failure or long-term unhappiness.

For example, my father strongly encouraged me to forge a career in the manufacturing sector where he made his living. Although he genuinely believed that this was in my best interests, and despite the fact that the manufacturing sector in the UK still accounts for 52% of all exports, this was not a career path that could help me to achieve long-term stability or satisfaction.

So while a parent should always offer objective advice when they are approached by their child, you should refrain from imposing your will and unduly influencing their decisions.

3. Preventing your child from taking risks

Occasionally, parents may impose their own will as it encourages their child to pursue a safe and familiar course in life. This betrays a fear that your child will fail, but the fact remains that learning how to take and manage calculated risks is a crucial life-lesson that will prepare your child for adulthood. While it is our primary duty to protect the physical and mental well-being of our children, we must be balanced in our approach if we are to achieve our parenting goals.

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Psychologists in Europe have discovered the children who do not play outside do not experience falls or a skinned knee, for example, which can stunt emotional development and cause phobias in adulthood. Children must therefore be empowered to take small and controlled risks that impart valuable lessons, build independence and aids the development of maturity.

4. Failing to distinguish between Genuine and Perceived Threats

If you are to successfully enable your child to encounter risk, you will need to maintain an objective mind and successfully distinguish between genuine and perceived threats. Often as parents we struggle to make such a distinction, as we allow our minds to be overrun by irrational fears and the subjective experiences that have hindered our own development.

Let’s say that you are a nervous driver or passenger and are loath to travel with your child in a car. While there is a basis for your caution, this can be easily exacerbated by sub-conscious fears and incidents that may have occurred during your own childhood. To break this psychological cycle, you will need to think logically and identify precise threats, such as the risk of your child being injured in a collision.

From here you can take practical steps such as installing and successfully using seat-belt restraints, which saved an estimated 303 children’s live as recently as 2010.

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5. Rescuing our children too Quickly

Arguably, the pace of technological advancement and widespread social changes have prevented today’s generation of youngsters from developing the same set of life skills from previous generations. Today’s parents are also more likely to intervene and rescue their children from perceived difficulties or hardship, solving short-term issues at the expense of long-term growth and development.

In the UK, for example, it is now estimated that parent’s contribute £17,900 ($23,435) to the deposit on their children’s first house. This is a huge sum that is often offered unconditionally, negating the need for young adults to develop core coping and problem solving skills that they will be expected to possess as they grow older.

This is the culmination of a pattern established in childhood, and one that can have a debilitating impact throughout the life-time of our offspring.

6. Allowing Guilt to interfere with our Parenting

If fear is one of the negative emotions that prevents effective parenting, guilt is another that must be given careful consideration. This is particularly true for inexperienced or first-time parents (or those with multiple children), who are often loath to upset or disappoint their children even in instances where their demands are unreasonable and ultimately not in their best interests.

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The cumulative effect of such behaviour manifests itself in a spoiled child with a sense of entitlement, which in turn can breed traits such as arrogance and selfishness in later life. These attributes are extremely detrimental to the cultivation of adult relationships, and in this respect yielding to an irrational, fleeting sense of guilt can trigger a lifetime of personality issues that are impossible to overcome.

7. Refusing to share our past mistakes

On a final note, it is important to strike the ideal balance between oppressing or smothering children and leaving them to their own differences. After all, healthy teenagers are always a little too eager to spread their wings, and while you should inhibit this raw ambition you should also look to harness and channel this whenever possible.

This is where your own unique experiences can come into play, particularly when you focus on relevant examples and explain these objectively to your child. By sharing the mistakes that you have made you can fill critical gaps in knowledge and experience, while helping your child to make more informed decisions concerning smoking, education and the consumption of alcohol.

Just remember to educate your child on the consequences of these mistakes and how you recovered from them, as this will help to prepare them regardless of the decision that they ultimately take.

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Published on January 30, 2019

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

In roughly 60 percent of two-parent households with children under the age of 18, both parents work full time. But who takes time off work when the kids are sick in your house? And if you are a manager, how do you react when a man says he needs time to take his baby to the pediatrician?

The sad truth is, the default in many companies and families is to value the man’s work over the woman’s—even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations or compensation. This translates into stereotypes in the workplace that women are the primary caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s success on the job and their upward mobility.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time-use data (1965–2011), fathers in dual-income couples devote significantly less time than mothers do to child care.[1] Dads are doing more than twice as much housework as they used to (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours), but there is still a significant imbalance.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. In many offices, it is still taboo for dads to openly express that they have family obligations that need their attention. In contrast, the assumption that moms will be on the front lines of any family crisis is one that runs deep.

Consider an example from my company. A few years back, one of our team members joined us for an off-site meeting soon after returning from maternity leave. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called to say that the baby had been crying nonstop. While there was little our colleague could practically do to help with the situation, this call was clearly unsettling, and the result was that her attention was divided for the rest of an important business dinner.

This was her first night away since the baby’s birth, and I know that her spouse had already been on several business trips before this event. Yet, I doubt she called him during his conferences to ask child-care questions. Like so many moms everywhere, she was expected to figure things out on her own.

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The numbers show that this story is far from the exception. In another Pew survey, 47 percent of dual-income parents agreed that the moms take on more of the work when a child gets sick.[2] In addition, 39 percent of working mothers said they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to just 24 percent of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27 percent to 10 percent) to say they had quit their job at some point for family reasons.

Before any amazing stay-at-home-dads post an angry rebuttal comment, I want to be very clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their personal and professional responsibilities; that’s 100 percent their prerogative. Rather, I am taking aim at the culture of inequity that persists even when spouses have similar or identical professional responsibilities. This is an important issue for all of us because we are leaving untapped business and human potential on the table.

What’s more, I think my fellow men can do a lot about this. For those out there who still privately think that being a good dad just means helping out mom, it’s time to man up. Stop expecting working partners—who have similar professional responsibilities—to bear the majority of the child-care responsibilities as well.

Consider these ways to support your working spouse:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter.

Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach him or her. Have a back-up plan for transportation and emergency coverage.

Don’t simply expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.

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As in other areas of life, the way to build confidence is to learn by doing. Moms aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff any more than dads are.

2. Treat your partner the way you’d want to be treated.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call something to the effect of, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?”

However, when the tables are turned, men often make that same call at the first sign of trouble.

Distractions like this make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed.

When you’re in charge of the kids, do what she would do: Figure it out.

3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability.

This implies that the children are her first priority and your second.

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I admit I have been guilty in the past of telling clients, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move.” What I should have said was, “I’m taking care of my kids today.”

Why is it so hard for men to admit they have personal responsibilities? Remember that you are setting an example for your sons and daughters, and do the right thing.

4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise at home.

No one likes or wants disruptions, but life happens, and everyone will face a day when the troubling phone call comes from his sitter, her school nurse, or even elderly parents.

Accommodating personal needs is not a sign of weakness as a leader. Employees will be more likely to do great work if they know that you care about their personal obligations and family—and show them that you care about your own.

5. Don’t keep score or track time.

At home, it’s juvenile to get into debates about who last changed a diaper or did the dishes; everyone needs to contribute, but the big picture is what matters. Is everyone healthy and getting enough sleep? Are you enjoying each other’s company?

In business, too, avoid the trap of punching a clock. The focus should be on outcomes and performance rather than effort and inputs. That’s the way to maintain momentum toward overall goals.

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The Bottom Line

To be clear, I recognize that a great many working dads are doing a terrific job both on the home front and in their professional lives. My concern is that these standouts often aren’t visible to their colleagues; they intentionally or inadvertently let their work as parents fly under the radar. Dads need to be open and honest about family responsibilities to change perceptions in the workplace.

The question “How do you balance it all?” should not be something that’s just asked of women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough.

But it’s something that more parents should be doing together, as a team. This can be a real bonus for the couple relationship as well, because nothing gets in the way of good partnership faster than feelings of inequity.

On the plus side, I can tell you that parenting skills really do get better with practice—and that’s great for people of both sexes. I think our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve. Expanding these definitions will open the doors to richer contributions from everyone, because women can and should be both—and so should men.

Featured photo credit: NeONBRAND via unsplash.com

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