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5 Things I Learned About Marriage After My Divorce

5 Things I Learned About Marriage After My Divorce

A divorce is not a breakup. It is more like a death. It is the death of your relationship, and the death of who you once were. But unlike death, divorce also brings a new beginning, and you have the beautiful opportunity to take some of the most difficult lessons you have learned into your new life with you.

1. Marriage Is Not 50/50

Many of us enter into a marriage thinking that being one half of a whole means that you will do one half of the work. But, marriage is not an even split of obligations, duties, and affection. Maybe it is on your best days, but your best days are not your everyday.

There will be days that you barely have the energy to muster up 10 percent of what you need to contribute. Those days where work is crazy and your kids are crazier can bring you down low. There may be weeks where your partner feels the same way. What makes a marriage work is not the equal division of two parts, but the willingness to forgive and make up the rest of the work when that equal division does not happen.

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Do not sit around and wait for your partner to meet you at the half way point. Be prepared to meet them where they need you, and consider it a gift, not a loan.

2. Go to Bed Angry

You never understand how to be truly mad at someone until you have been disappointed by the person you married. There is no anger like the one that is fueled by the fire of being let down. It is this kind of anger that makes you want to let the world know how you feel. Don’t.

Going to bed angry is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and for your marriage. Even if eight hours of time, distance, and perspective doesn’t allow you to calm down, it will help you to realize what it is you are really feeling and why their behavior has caused such a deep wound. Without this, you are only gearing up for another pointless argument that results in half-hearted apologies and more hurt feelings.

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3. Romance Is Essential

Think back to when you first started dating. Things were electric. You spent all day thinking of the right thing to say to the person that you wanted to have around for the rest of your life. Then, the chase was over. You won, and there is no need to be the smartest, wittiest, or best looking person in the room anymore. Right?

A little bit of romance, or a lot depending on your needs, goes a long way in your marriage. It gives you the opportunity to present the best part of yourself to your spouse over and over again, and you remind them why you made such an important decision. Neglecting it makes you question everything, and soon those questions become doubts which too often lead you halfway out the door.

4. Live Your Life Now

Waiting around to live your life until your spouse does x or the stars align makes you unhappy. Moreover, it is almost always unnecessary.

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Many people have had to deal with expensive divorces for not paying attention to this point. Just because you have agreed to live as a partner to another person does not mean that you are conjoined twins. Doing things for yourself when you are ready for them helps you continue to progress as an individual, and ultimately, it helps you give back more graciously to your marriage.

So, if it does not eliminate your joint resources, use your own life to accomplish your personal goals. Take that trip. Write your book. Finish that class. Build yourself up so that you can build your marriage up, and by doing so, you will inspire rather than push your partner to get on your level.

5. You Don’t Get a Gold Sticker for Staying in a Bad Marriage

Divorce is a hard idea to cope with when you promised yourself and your partner forever. While divorce is a defining life event that is hard, avoiding it is not the answer. A hopeless marriage is a hopeless marriage, and you only get one life to live. So, if after you have exhausted every option available to you, you cannot see even a moderately happy future with your spouse, end your marriage.

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Unhappy marriages often make for unhappy people, but it is not only you who suffers. Your kids, family members, friends, colleagues, and probably even your barista will feel it when your marriage has brought you to the lowest of lows.

Divorce is a defining life event, and it becomes woven into the fabric of who you are. It will change you, but let it change you into the person you need to be.

Featured photo credit: Kumon via flickr.com

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Last Updated on August 16, 2018

10 Ways To Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone And Enjoy Taking Risks

10 Ways To Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone And Enjoy Taking Risks

The ability to take risks by stepping outside your comfort zone is the primary way by which we grow. But we are often afraid to take that first step.

In truth, comfort zones are not really about comfort, they are about fear. Break the chains of fear to get outside. Once you do, you will learn to enjoy the process of taking risks and growing in the process.

Here are 10 ways to help you step out of your comfort zone and get closer to success:

1. Become aware of what’s outside of your comfort zone

What are the things that you believe are worth doing but are afraid of doing yourself because of the potential for disappointment or failure?

Draw a circle and write those things down outside the circle. This process will not only allow you to clearly identify your discomforts, but your comforts. Write identified comforts inside the circle.

2. Become clear about what you are aiming to overcome

Take the list of discomforts and go deeper. Remember, the primary emotion you are trying to overcome is fear.

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How does this fear apply uniquely to each situation? Be very specific.

Are you afraid of walking up to people and introducing yourself in social situations? Why? Is it because you are insecure about the sound of your voice? Are you insecure about your looks?

Or, are you afraid of being ignored?

3. Get comfortable with discomfort

One way to get outside of your comfort zone is to literally expand it. Make it a goal to avoid running away from discomfort.

Let’s stay with the theme of meeting people in social settings. If you start feeling a little panicked when talking to someone you’ve just met, try to stay with it a little longer than you normally would before retreating to comfort. If you stay long enough and practice often enough, it will start to become less uncomfortable.

4. See failure as a teacher

Many of us are so afraid of failure that we would rather do nothing than take a shot at our dreams.

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Begin to treat failure as a teacher. What did you learn from the experience? How can you take that lesson to your next adventure to increase your chance of success?

Many highly successful people failed plenty of times before they succeeded. Here’re some examples:

10 Famous Failures to Success Stories That Will Inspire You to Carry On

5. Take baby steps

Don’t try to jump outside your comfort zone, you will likely become overwhelmed and jump right back in.

Take small steps toward the fear you are trying to overcome. If you want to do public speaking, start by taking every opportunity to speak to small groups of people. You can even practice with family and friends.

Take a look at this article on how you can start taking baby steps:

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The Number One Secret to Life Success: Baby Steps

6. Hang out with risk takers

There is no substitute for this step. If you want to become better at something, you must start hanging out with the people who are doing what you want to do and start emulating them. (Here’re 8 Reasons Why Risk Takers Are More Likely To Be Successful).

Almost inevitably, their influence will start have an effect on your behavior.

7. Be honest with yourself when you are trying to make excuses

Don’t say “Oh, I just don’t have the time for this right now.” Instead, be honest and say “I am afraid to do this.”

Don’t make excuses, just be honest. You will be in a better place to confront what is truly bothering you and increase your chance of moving forward.

8. Identify how stepping out will benefit you

What will the ability to engage in public speaking do for your personal and professional growth? Keep these potential benefits in mind as motivations to push through fear.

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9. Don’t take yourself too seriously

Learn to laugh at yourself when you make mistakes. Risk taking will inevitably involve failure and setbacks that will sometimes make you look foolish to others. Be happy to roll with the punches when others poke fun.

If you aren’t convinced yet, check out these 6 Reasons Not to Take Life So Seriously.

10. Focus on the fun

Enjoy the process of stepping outside your safe boundaries. Enjoy the fun of discovering things about yourself that you may not have been aware of previously.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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