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To Regain The Control Over My Life, I Can Only Choose To Leave You

To Regain The Control Over My Life, I Can Only Choose To Leave You

There are two things I just ever couldn’t get on the same page; my heart and my head. Do you know how hard it is to love you, and know I need to leave you at the same time? No part of me wanted to leave you.

My life was consumed by thoughts of you from the second I woke up until I went to sleep at night. Loving you had essentially become like a drug. Being high off you was the most euphoric experience I have ever had, but crashing off of you was like hearing every goodbye I’ve ever heard said to me all at once, which is cliche to say, I suppose.

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I have made my fair share of mistakes — I can be selfish — but I certainly didn’t deserve to be treated the way you so wrongly treated me. I started to believe that I was the problem. I tried harder. Man, I did try. I wanted you, I wanted us, and you threw it away like it was yesterday’s news. I often wondered what I had done to you that was so horrible that could warrant being treated this way. You took and took from me and didn’t once even bother to say thank you.

I spent so much time defending you to my friends and my family because I thought that you would change. I would justify your ignorance towards me, and I chalked it up to you having a bad day, but it seemed like everyday was a bad day. But I stayed because I loved you more than anything.

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My friends told me what my head already knew. “You deserve better.” But at the time all I could think was, “Who are they to tell me what I do and do not deserve?” It’s crazy how my mind tried to protect me from feeling sad and hurt.

I always thought it was supposed to be you and me, together, for the rest of our lives. Isn’t life funny in the sense that time reveals truth? Why was everything so one-sided with you? Why couldn’t you just reciprocate the love and effort that I was giving to you? Did I really mean that little to you?

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I can’t say that I’m angry because some of my favorite memories are the ones I made with you. You could make me feel so alive. As we started getting older, I think you realized our aspirations and desires weren’t lining up. I understand that people grow and sometimes, they grow in separate directions.

I don’t think either one of us was really at fault. I mean, we were young, and we thought we knew everything there was to know about love. We really had no idea. Life and you have taught me something very important: people aren’t permanent, but the memories stay with you for a lifetime — good and bad.

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Many years have passed since you and I, and I would be lying if I said my mind didn’t drift off to thoughts of you from time to time. But I know now that us ending was for the better. It was hard for me to leave you considering the amount of love and passion I had for you, but eventually enough was enough. I could no longer sacrifice my sanity and happiness to try to make us work.

I could never blame you for anything because you were one of the best lessons that I could ever have, and I appreciate that. Without you, I’m not sure I would know exactly what I don’t deserve.

Thank you for teaching me that my most valuable relationship is the one that I have with myself.

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Erica Wagner

Freelance Writer

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Last Updated on December 10, 2019

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

Here’s the truth: your effectiveness at life is not what it could be. You’re missing out.

Each day passes by and you have nothing to prove that it even happened. Did you achieve something? Go on a date? Have an emotional breakthrough? Who knows?

But what you do know is that you don’t want to make the same mistakes that you’ve made in the past.

Our lives are full of hidden gems of knowledge and insight, and the most recent events in our lives contain the most useful gems of all. Do you know why? It’s simple, those hidden lessons are the most up to date, meaning they have the largest impact on what we’re doing right now.

But the question is, how do you get those lessons? There’s a simple way to do it, and it doesn’t involve time machines:

Journal writing.

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Improved mental clarity, the ability to see our lives in the big picture, as well as serving as a piece of evidence cataloguing every success we’ve ever had; we are provided all of the above and more by doing some journal writing.

Journal writing is a useful and flexible tool to help shed light on achieving your goals.

Here’s 5 smart reasons why you should do journal writing:

1. Journals Help You Have a Better Connection with Your Values, Emotions, and Goals

By journaling about what you believe in, why you believe it, how you feel, and what your goals are, you understand your relationships with these things better. This is because you must sort through the mental clutter and provide details on why you do what you do and feel what you feel.

Consider this:

Perhaps you’ve spent the last year or so working at a job you don’t like. It would be easy to just suck it up and keep working with your head down, going on as if it’s supposed to be normal to not like your job. Nobody else is complaining, so why should you, right?

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But a little journal writing will set things straight for you. You don’t like your job. You feel like it’s robbing you of happiness and satisfaction, and you don’t see yourself better there in the future.

The other workers? Maybe they don’t know, maybe they don’t care. But you do, you know and care enough to do something about it. And you’re capable of fixing this problem because your journal writing allows you to finally be honest with yourself about it.

2. Journals Improve Mental Clarity and Help Improve Your Focus

If there’s one thing journal writing is good for, it’s clearing the mental clutter.

How does it work? Simply, whenever you have a problem and write about it in a journal, you transfer the problem from your head to the paper. This empties the mind, allowing allocation of precious resources to problem-solving rather than problem-storing.

Let’s say you’ve been juggling several tasks at work. You’ve got data entry, testing, e-mails, problems with the boss, and so on—enough to overwhelm you—but as you start journal writing, things become clearer and easier to understand: Data entry can actually wait till Thursday; Bill kindly offered earlier to do my testing; For e-mails, I can check them now; the boss is just upset because Becky called in sick, etc.

You become better able to focus and reason your tasks out, and this is an indispensable and useful skill to have.

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3. Journals Improve Insight and Understanding

As a positive consequence of improving your mental clarity, you become more open to insights you may have missed before. As you write your notes out, you’re essentially having a dialogue with yourself. This draws out insights that you would have missed otherwise; it’s almost as if two people are working together to better understand each other. This kind of insight is only available to the person who has taken the time to connect with and understand themselves in the form of writing.

Once you’ve gotten a few entries written down, new insights can be gleaned from reading over them. What themes do you see in your life? Do you keep switching goals halfway through? Are you constantly dating the same type of people who aren’t good for you? Have you slowly but surely pushed people out of your life for fear of being hurt?

All of these questions can be answered by simply self-reflecting, but you can only discover the answers if you’ve captured them in writing. These questions are going to be tough to answer without a journal of your actions and experiences.

4. Journals Track Your Overall Development

Life happens, and it can happen fast. Sometimes we don’t take the time to stop and look around at what’s happening to us at each moment. We don’t get to see the step-by-step progress that we’re making in our own lives. So what happens? One day it’s the future, and you have no idea how you’ve gotten there.

Journal writing allows you to see how you’ve changed over time, so you can see where you did things right, and you can see where you took a misstep and fell.

The great thing about journals is that you’ll know what that misstep was, and you can make sure it doesn’t happen again—all because you made sure to log it, allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes.

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5. Journals Facilitate Personal Growth

The best thing about journal writing is that no matter what you end up writing about, it’s hard to not grow from it. You can’t just look at a past entry in which you acted shamefully and say “that was dumb, anyway!” No, we say “I will never make a dumb choice like that again!”

It’s impossible not to grow when it comes to journal writing. That’s what makes journal writing such a powerful tool, whether it’s about achieving goals, becoming a better person, or just general personal-development. No matter what you use it for, you’ll eventually see yourself growing as a person.

Kickstart Journaling

How can journaling best be of use to you? To vent your emotions? To help achieve your goals? To help clear your mind? What do you think makes journaling such a useful life skill?

Know the answer? Then it’s about time you reap the benefits of journal writing and start putting pen to paper.

Here’s what you can do to start journaling:

Featured photo credit: Jealous Weekends via unsplash.com

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