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4 Proven Steps to Being More Assertive

4 Proven Steps to Being More Assertive

Being assertive is all about putting your point across in a positive way that is more likely to get you what you want with all parties feeling happy. You generally need to use this skill when you have an opposing point of view or when you need to disagree with others, which can be socially difficult. The UK government has sanctioned numerous intervention programs to teach this skill to the group of people who need it most in society: offenders. I’m one of the people tasked with teaching this skill, as well as many others, to bring about positive changes, but it’s not just for offenders, as other people can benefit from this incredibly useful skill too.

Below I share with you a framework with four steps to being more assertive, both personally and professionally, which are research-based and proven to work. This isn’t to say they will work everytime, but they are much more effective than alternative methods (e.g., being too aggressive or passive).

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1. Describe the situation.

Start by describing the situation and giving an overview of what your understanding of it is. At first, try keep this as factual as possible, as this stops other people from being able to disagree with you. This may involve using sentences such as “the way I understand the situation is this …” You may also add your opinion on the matter afterward by using statements such as “my opinion is this because …” By justifying yourself, people don’t feel you are giving an opposing opinion just to disagree with them for the sake of it. Giving your justification is powerful, as this promotes empathy, which allows them to see things from your point of view and may also be enough to persuade them into your way of thinking

2. Express how you feel.

Once you’ve given an overview and described the situation from your point of view, you want to express how you feel about it. When expressing yourself, it is really important to own the feelings by using “I” language. What is this? This involves statements such as “I feel like this” or “this situation makes me feel like this …”

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When doing this, you want to try to avoid “you” language, where you make statements that will put the other person on the defensive. For example saying “you make me feel …” or “because of you I feel …” Statements like this are unproductive, but also antagonistic toward people on the receiving end of them. Also, they make the claim that the other person is able to control your feelings, which is not true (only you control your feelings), and it’s really important that you do not try to shift this to others.

When you express how you feel about something, this also stops other people from being able to disagree with it. For example stating “I feel upset by this situation” means the other person can’t just say “no you don’t feel upset,” as they are your feelings. If you make the mistake of using “you” language, this makes it easy for the other person to argue the point by saying “I haven’t made you feel anything.” This is a subtle difference, but a key one that can either create a collaborative discussion or turn it into hostile argument.

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3. Say what you want.

Next you want to be specific and say what it is you want to happen from the situation. Say what you would like to do and also what you would like other people to do (or not to do). Be clear and specific and avoid being vague. You can refer back to your justifications or feelings at this point to backup what you’re saying for added extra effect.

4. State how the outcome benefits all parties.

You want to end your point by stating how your chosen solution or point of view is ultimately going to benefit all parties. Too many people fall into the trap of expressing simply how it is going to benefit themselves. This isn’t persuasive nor does it make people inclined to agree with you if they see no benefit for themselves in some way. By describing how the other person can benefit as well as yourself, they now have a reason to come over to your way of thinking.

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In some situations where you have a disagreement with someone, just getting them to consider the long-term consequences can be enough for them to see things from your point of view. Another tactic is to positively reframe the situation, so instead of them seeing the situation as a loss, you can plant the seed for them to see things differently in a more positive way.

An example of this is the glass half-empty or half-full metaphor that is famously used. “Don’t think of the situation as a loss; think of it as a good experience and learning” is another good example of this too. There is always a silver lining, and you need to use this to your advantage by getting people to see it.

Assertiveness is a skill and like any skill, it takes practice to get good at it. You can start using it instantly in conversation to get better at it with close family members and friends before unleashing your new found power on the world!

Featured photo credit: Scott Swigart via flickr.com

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Saj Devshi

Psychology Teacher

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Last Updated on May 17, 2019

This Is What Happens When You Move Out Of the Comfort Zone

This Is What Happens When You Move Out Of the Comfort Zone

The pursuit of worthwhile goals is a part of what makes life enjoyable. Being able to set a goal, then see yourself progress towards achieving that goal is an amazing feeling.

But do you know the biggest obstacle for most people trying to achieve their goals, the silent dream killer that stops people before they ever even get started? That obstacle is the comfort zone, and getting stuck there is bound to derail any efforts you make towards achieving the goals you’ve set for yourself.

If you want to achieve those goals, you’ll have to break free from your comfort zone. Let’s take a look at how your life will change once you build up the courage to leave your comfort zone.

What Is the Comfort Zone?

The comfort zone is defined as “a behavioural state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviours to deliver a steady level of performance.”

What stands out to me the most about that definition is the last part: “using a limited set of behaviours to deliver a steady level of performance.” How many successful people do you know who deliver a steady level of performance?

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The goal in life is to continually challenge yourself, and continually improve yourself. And in order to do that, you have move out of your comfort zone. But once you do, your life will start to change in ways you could never have imagined. I know because it’s happening right now in my own life.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

1. You will be scared

Leaving your comfort zone isn’t easy. In fact, in can be downright terrifying at times, and that’s okay. It’s perfectly normal to feel a little trepidation when you’re embarking on a journey that forces you to try new things.

So don’t freak out or get overwhelmed when you feel yourself getting a little scared. It’s perfectly normal and all part of the process. What’s important is that you don’t let that fear hold you back. You must continue to take action in the face of fear.

That’s what separates winners from losers.

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2. You will fail

Stepping out of your comfort zone means you’re moving into uncharted territory. You’re trying things that you’ve never tried before, and learning things you’ve never learned before.

That steep learning curve means you’re not going to get everything right the first time, and you will eventually fail when you move out of your comfort zone. But as long as the failures aren’t catastrophic, it can actually be a good thing to fail because …

3. You will learn

Failure is the best teacher. I’ve learned more from each one of my failures than I have from each one of my successes. When you fail small, and fail often, you rapidly increase the rate at which you learn new insights and skills. And that new knowledge, if applied correctly, will eventually lead to your success.

4. You will see yourself in a different way

Once you move out of your comfort zone, you immediately prove to yourself that you’re capable of achieving more than you thought was possible. And that will change the way you see yourself.

Moving forward, you’ll have more confidence in yourself whenever you step out of your comfort zone, and that increased confidence will make it more likely that you continue to step outside your comfort zone. And each time you do, you’ll prove to yourself again and again what you’re really capable of.

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5. Your peers will see you in a different way

Whether we want to admit or not, people judge other people. And right now, people view you in a certain way, and they have a certain idea of what you’re capable of. That’s because they’ve become accustomed to seeing you operate in your comfort zone.

But once you move out of your comfort zone, you’ll prove to other people, as well, that you’re capable of much more than you’ve shown in the past.

The increased confidence other people place in you will bring about more opportunities than ever before.

6. Your comfort zone will expand

The good thing about the comfort zone is that it’s flexible and malleable. With each action you take outside of your comfort zone, it expands. And once you master that new skill or action, it eventually becomes part of your comfort zone.

This is great news for you because it means that you can constantly increase and improve upon the behaviors that you’re comfortable with. And the more tools and skills you have at your disposal, the easier it will be to achieve your goals.

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7. You will increase your concentration and focus

When you’re living inside of your comfort zone, the bulk of your actions are habitual: automatic, subconscious, and requiring limited focus.

But once you move out of your comfort zone, you no longer rely on those habitual responses. You’re forced to concentrate and focus on the new action in a way you never do in your comfort zone.

8. You will develop new skills

Moving out of your comfort zone requires that you develop new skills. One of the many benefits you’ll experience is that you’ll be stepping away from the “limited set of behaviors” and start to develop your ability and expertise in new areas.

Living inside of your comfort zone only requires a limited skill set, and those skills won’t contribute much to your success. Once you can confidently step outside of your comfort zone and learn a new skill, there’s no limit to how much you can achieve.

9. You will achieve more than before

With everything that happens once you move out of your comfort zone, you’re naturally going to achieve more than ever before.

Your increased concentration and focus will help you develop new skills. Those new skills will change the way you see yourself, encouraging you to step even further out of your comfort zone.

Featured photo credit: Josef Grunig via farm3.staticflickr.com

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