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How to Communicate Harsh Things Without Causing Resentment

How to Communicate Harsh Things Without Causing Resentment

I recently read a book called “Leadership & Self Deception” by the Arbinger Institute. It explains how self-deception is the most pervasive problem in organizations today. It gave some of the following examples of types of people who suffer from self-deception:

  • Someone who thinks they know things, when they’re really mistaken.
  • Someone who thinks they’re making a positive contribution, when they’re really polluting the workspace with their attitude.
  • Someone who feels they are a victim in a conflict situation, when they’re really the perpetrator.

Maybe you’ve suffered from the low self-awareness of people around you.

And if you have, then you know how important it is, especially when it comes to being persuasive, or to refine the way we choose to communicate. Learning how to communicate more consciously might save you a relationship, a partnership, or a hurtful misunderstanding between you and someone you care about.

Now, in my opinion, one of the most thought-provoking insights from this book comes in the form of a conversation between a character named “Bud” and a character named “Tom.”  Bud is telling Tom about an argument he had with his wife:

“After a while, Nancy and I had actually worked our ways to opposite sides of the room, I was tiring of our little “discussion,” which was making me late for work, and decided to apologize and put an end to it. I walked over to her and said, “I’m sorry, Nancy,” and bent down to kiss her. “Our lips met, if at all, only for a millisecond. It was the world’s shortest kiss. I didn’t intend it that way, but it was all either of us could muster.” “You don’t mean it,” she said quietly, as I backed slowly away. And she was right, of course.” 

—”Leadership and Self-Deception” by the Arbinger Institute

The reason this story is interesting to me is because I feel like it goes to the heart of many interpersonal conflicts.

Someone feels neglected.

And it might not even be intentional. I’m sure Bud does care about his wife’s wellbeing. However, in that moment, he did not care. And she felt it.

It’s just a story but, doesn’t it make you think about partners in your life? Friendships in your life? Parenting in your life?

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All those relationships where caring matters, but where we so often neglect to express it adequatelyIt’s not hard to link this to the human instinct of having our own needs met; I mean, if someone’s not showing reasonable consideration for your condition, why should you and I reasonably consider theirs? But see, that’s the thinking that often leads us to hurt other people in the way we communicate, even when we do mean well. No one wants to make the first step; no one wants to risk being left out in the cold.

If you try to see things from their perspective, they might take advantage and get comfortable, or they might never learn from their mistakes. Now, the thing is: there is a way to be considerate and get your point across:

Communicate how much you care.

I’ll never forget my high school biology teacher and how he motivated me to improve my scores over my senior year. I had had him during my junior year as well, so he pretty much knew what my “normal” output was. That’s why he reacted so strongly to me getting a pitiful F on the very first test.

I very clearly remember the comment he left on my test paper in red ink: “Get to work!!!!!!!!” (With precisely 8 exclamation marks)

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Now, to be honest, under normal circumstances, this approach should not have worked to motivate me at all. I mean I know myself, and this is not the way to do it. But that’s not all he did. I had a good relationship with this teacher in the past, and because he was willing to communicate the following:

  • Belief in my potential
  • Appreciation for my efforts
  • Encouragement

— and all of that throughout the year, it ended up working.

Giving to receive.

He wasn’t just being tough that day; in fact, when I realized (over time) how much he truly believed that I could do well, I felt almost obliged to not disappoint him. I thought to myself: “Damn, so he wasn’t just trying to make me look bad? He thinks I can actually “get to work” and do great. Well, I mean I guess…” I realized after a few discussions and certain interactions in class that it wasn’t just tough talk he had for me; rather, it was actually tough love. He appreciated me as a student, respected me as a person, and saw me as one of the “better ones” with just a slight “launch incident.”

Needless to say, I made biology a higher priority that year (over video games), and actually ended up graduating at the top of my class in that subject — all because this teacher had been able to show me the tough love and consideration that I needed to feel motivated. If this experience and the book I mentioned taught me anything, it’s that it’s possible to make a powerful impression on someone without causing an insidious resentful reaction. And it all comes down to your ability to communicate your warm regards and positive expectations for people.

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You might recognize their efforts, perhaps acknowledge their past good deeds, and certainly show appreciation for their current efforts. Then you can (safely) crack the whip.

Featured photo credit: Ilya via flickr.com

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Last Updated on July 3, 2020

30 Small Habits To Lead A More Peaceful Life

30 Small Habits To Lead A More Peaceful Life

In today’s world, true peace must come from within us and our own actions. Here are 30 small things you can do on a regular basis to increase your overall sense of harmony, peace, and well-being:

1. Don’t go to every fight you’re invited to

Particularly when you’re around those who thrive on chaos, be willing to decline the invitation to join in on the drama.

2. Focus on your breath

Throughout the day, stop to take a few deep breaths. Keep stress at bay with techniques such as “square breathing.” Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, then out for four counts, and hold again for four counts. Repeat this cycle four times.

3. Get organized and purge old items

A cluttered space often creates a cluttered spirit. Take the time to get rid of anything you haven’t used in a year and invest in organizational systems that help you sustain a level of neatness.

4. Stop yourself from being judgmental

Whenever you are tempted to have an opinion about someone else’s life, check your intentions. Judging others creates and promotes negative energy.

5. Say ‘thank you’ early and often

Start and end each day with an attitude of gratitude. Look for opportunities in your daily routine and interactions to express appreciation.

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6. Smile more

Even if you have to “fake it until you make it,” there are many scientific benefits of smiling and laughing. Also, pay attention to your facial expression when you are doing neutral activities such as driving and walking. Turn that frown upside down!

7. Don’t worry about the future

As difficult as this sounds, there is a direct connection between staying in the present and living a more peaceful life. You cannot control the future. As the old proverb goes, “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere.” Practice gently bringing your thoughts back to the present.

8. Eat real food

The closer the food is to the state from which it came from the earth, the better you will feel in eating it. Choose foods that grew from a plant over food that was made in a plant.

9. Choose being happy over being right

Too often, we sacrifice inner peace in order to make a point. It’s rarely worth it.

10. Keep technology out of the bedroom

Many studies, such as one conducted by Brigham and Women’s Hospital, have connected blue light of electronic devices before bed to adverse sleep and overall health. To make matters worse, many people report that they cannot resist checking email and social media when their cell phone is in reach of their bed, regardless of the time.

11. Make use of filtering features on social media

You may not want to “unfriend” someone completely, however you can choose whether you want to follow their posts and/or the sources of information that they share.

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12. Get comfortable with silence

When you picture someone who is the ultimate state of peace, typically they aren’t talking.

13. Listen to understand, not to respond

So often in conversations, we use our ears to give us cues about when it is our turn to say what we want to say. Practice active listening, ask questions, process, then speak.

14. Put your troubles in a bubble

Whenever you start to feel anxious, visualize the situation being wrapped in a bubble and then picture that sphere floating away.

15. Speak more slowly

Often a lack of peace manifests itself in fast or clipped speech. Take a breath, slow down, and let your thoughtful consideration drive your words.

16. Don’t procrastinate

Nothing adds stress to our lives like waiting until the last minute.

17. Buy a coloring book

Mandala coloring books for adults are becoming more popular because of their connection to creating inner peace.

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18. Prioritize yourself

You are the only person who you are guaranteed to live with 24 hours a day for the rest of your life.

19. Forgive others

Holding a grudge is hurting you exponentially more than anyone else. Let it go.

20. Check your expectations

Presumption often leads to drama. Remember the old saying, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

21. Engage in active play

Let your inner child come out and have some fun. Jump, dance, play, and pretend!

22. Stop criticizing yourself

The world is a hard enough place with more than enough critics. Your life is not served well by being one of them.

23. Focus your energy and attention on what you want

Thoughts, words, and actions all create energy. Energy attracts like energy. Put out what you want to get back.

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24. Assign yourself “complaint free” days.

Make a conscious decision not to complain about anything for a whole day. It might be harder than you think and the awareness will stick with you.

25. Surround yourself with people you truly enjoy being in the company of

Personalities tend to be contagious, and not everyone’s is worth catching. Be judicious in your choices.

26. Manage your money

Financial concerns rank top on the list of what causes people stress. Take the time each month to do a budget, calculate what you actually spend and sanity check that against the money you have coming in.

27. Stop trying to control everything

Not only is your inner control freak sabotaging your sense of peace, it is also likely getting in the way of external relationships as well.

28. Practice affirmations

Repeat positive phrases that depict the life and qualities you want to attract. It may not come naturally to you, but it works.

29. Get up before sunrise

Personally witnessing the dawn brings a unique sense of awe and appreciation for life.

30. Be yourself

Nothing creates more inner discord than trying to be something other than who we really are. Authenticity breeds happiness.

Featured photo credit: man watching sunrise via stokpic.com

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