Advertising
Advertising

Marriages Fail When Couples Get Stuck In These Two Things, According To Psychologists

Marriages Fail When Couples Get Stuck In These Two Things, According To Psychologists

Marriage is one of the most discussed relationship dynamics in the modern age. According to recent research featured in the New York Times, it is one of the best endeavours that you can embark on in life. Being married tends to make people happier and more content with their lives, particularly if they are experiencing stressful periods of their life.

The Complexities of Marriage: Two Dynamics that can Damage your Relationship

While marriage can be an exceptionally rewarding endeavour, however, it is also exceptionally complex and fraught with numerous, toxic dynamics. Along with the numerous independent interactions and responsibilities that bind married couples, these dynamics can undermine relationships and ultimately end even the most stable unions. According to Peter Pearson, a therapists and co-founder of the Couples Institute, however, more than 60% of couples that he deals with find themselves stuck in one of two such dynamics.

Advertising

So what exactly are these dynamics and how do they manifest themselves? Let’s take a look: 

A Conflict-avoidant Dynamic

The first is known as a conflict-avoidant dynamic, which is defined by fear and a situation where the consequences and emotional of speaking out outweighs the potential benefits of engaging in discussion. Such a dynamic usually develops between a dominant and submissive partner, with the latter gradually becoming compliant as they compromise their own thoughts, dreams and desires in order to retain the favour of the former. Toxic in the extreme, such a dynamic can manifests itself through anything from purchase and interior design choices to decisions concerning relocating or starting a family.

Advertising

This does not necessarily means that one partner is controlling over the other, however, but more that each individual’s core value sets and instincts begin to emerge as they spend time in a relationship. This brings out reflex coping mechanisms and instinctive behaviour, leading to a communications breakdown and the decline of a marriage. Over time, the only way to avoid such a fate is to go through what is known as a process of differentiation, through which both parties strive to recognise the character traits of both themselves and their partners.

This enables couples to understand the differences that exist within their relationship, while empowering both parties to allow for these and push positive communication. Given that conflict-avoidance is one of they key, underlying causes of divorce in the modern age, this is a process that couples should strive to go through during their marriages.

Advertising

A Hostile-dependent Dynamic

A hostile-dependent dynamic is another of the primary causes of divorce, and it is most likely to occur in couples where both parties are of high dominance. In this type of relationship, both individuals seek to take control and push their own views within the relationship, without listening or empathising with the other.

One of the most obvious manifestations of this is the development of a blame culture, whether both parties indulge in finger-pointing and unnecessary accusations. So as couples begin to argue more, each member of a hostile-dependent dynamic will attempt to define the problem from a subjective perspective and determine faults in their partner.

Advertising

A similar resolution is required in this instance, although conflict resolution is made far harder by the relatively dominant and stubborn mind-set of both partners. Compromise is the key word here, as it is crucial that each individual recognises their own faults and the impact that these have on their relationship. Most importantly, they must learn to consider arguments and disputes from an objective perspective, while also listening to the views of their loved ones.

The Last Word

While these two toxic dynamics are among the most common causes of divorce and relationship issues, they are not insurmountable so long as couples are willing to work at improving their marriage. Communication and a willingness to listen are crucial, as is taking the time to understanding each other’s innate value sets and outlook on life.

Featured photo credit: Ahmet Kaya / Flickr via flickr.com

More by this author

10 Reasons A Long-Distance Relationship Will Work 12 iPhone 6 Tricks You Probably Don’t Know But Should We Are Often Confused Empathy With Sympathy but What’s The Difference Actually? To Make Wise Decisions, Ask Yourself These Questions Every Time No Matter What You Say, the First Thing People Pay Attention to Is Only How You Say It

Trending in Communication

1 How to Live up to Your Full Potential and Succeed in Life 2 Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset 3 10 Strategies to Keep Moving Forward When You’re Feeling Extra Stuck 4 Learn the Different Types of Love (and Better Understand Your Partner) 5 Anxiety Coping Mechanisms That Work When You’re Stressed to the Max

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on November 15, 2018

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset

What do you think it takes to achieve your goals? Hard work? Lots of actions? While these are paramount to becoming successful in reaching our goals, neither of these are possible without a positive mindset.

As humans, we naturally tend to lean towards a negative outlook when it comes to our hopes and dreams. We are prone to believing that we have limitations either from within ourselves or from external forces keeping us from truly getting to where we want to be in life. Our tendency to think that we’ll “believe it when we see it” suggests that our mindsets are focused on our goals not really being attainable until they’ve been achieved. The problem with this is that this common mindset fuels our limiting beliefs and shows a lack of faith in ourselves.

The Success Mindset

Success in achieving our goals comes down to a ‘success mindset’. Successful mindsets are those focused on victory, based on positive mental attitudes, empowering inclinations and good habits. Acquiring a success mindset is the sure-fire way to dramatically increase your chance to achieve your goals.

Advertising

The idea that achieving our goals comes down to our habits and actions is actually a typical type of mindset that misses a crucial point; that our mindset is, in fact, the determiner of our energy and what actions we take. A negative mindset will tend to create negative actions and similarly if we have a mindset that will only set into action once we see ‘proof’ that our goals are achievable, then the road will be much longer and arduous. This is why, instead of thinking “I’ll believe it when I see it”, a success mindset will think “I’ll see it when I believe it.”

The Placebo Effect and What It Shows Us About The Power of Mindset

The placebo effect is a perfect example of how mindset really can be powerful. In scientific trials, a group of participants were told they received medication that will heal an ailment but were actually given a sugar pill that does nothing (the placebo). Yet after the trial the participants believed it’s had a positive effect – sometimes even cured their ailment even though nothing has changed. This is the power of mindset.

How do we apply this to our goals? Well, when we set goals and dreams how often do we really believe they’ll come to fruition? Have absolute faith that they can be achieved? Have a complete unwavering expectation? Most of us don’t because we hold on to negative mindsets and limiting beliefs about ourselves that stop us from fully believing we are capable or that it’s at all possible. We tend to listen to the opinions of others despite them misaligning with our own or bow to societal pressures that make us believe we should think and act a certain way. There are many reasons why we possess these types of mindsets but a success mindset can be achieved.

Advertising

How To Create a Success Mindset

People with success mindsets have a particular way of perceiving things. They have positive outlooks and are able to put faith fully in their ability to succeed. With that in mind, here are a few ways that can turn a negative mindset into a successful one.

1. A Success Mindset Comes From a Growth Mindset

How does a mindset even manifest itself? It comes from the way you talk to yourself in the privacy of your own head. Realising this will go a long way towards noticing how you speak to yourself and others around you. If it’s mainly negative language you use when you talk about your goals and aspirations then this is an example of a fixed mindset.

A negative mindset brings with it a huge number of limiting beliefs. It creates a fixed mindset – one that can’t see beyond it’s own limitations. A growth mindset sees these limitations and looks beyond them – it finds ways to overcome obstacles and believes that this will result in success. When you think of your goal, a fixed mindset may think “what if I fail?” A growth mindset would look at the same goal and think “failures happen but that doesn’t mean I won’t be successful.”

Advertising

There’s a lot of power in changing your perspective.

2. Look For The Successes

It’s really important to get your mind focused on positive aspects of your goal. Finding inspiration through others can be really uplifting and keep you on track with developing your success mindset; reinforcing your belief that your dreams can be achieved. Find people that you can talk with about how they achieved their goals and seek out and surround yourself with positive people. This is crucial if you’re learning to develop a positive mindset.

3. Eliminate Negativity

You can come up against a lot of negativity sometimes either through other people or within yourself. Understanding that other people’s negative opinions are created through their own fears and limiting beliefs will go a long way in sustaining your success mindset. But for a lot of us, negative chatter can come from within and these usually manifest as negative words such as can’t, won’t, shouldn’t. Sometimes, when we think of how we’re going to achieve our goals, statements in our minds come out as negative absolutes: ‘It never works out for me’ or ‘I always fail.’

Advertising

When you notice these coming up you need to turn them around with ‘It always works out for me!’ and ‘I never fail!’ The trick is to believe it no matter what’s happened in the past. Remember that every new day is a clean slate and for you to adjust your mindset.

4. Create a Vision

Envisioning your end goal and seeing it in your mind is an important trait of a success mindset. Allowing ourselves to imagine our success creates a powerful excitement that shouldn’t be underestimated. When our brain becomes excited at the thought of achieving our goals, we become more committed, work harder towards achieving it and more likely to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

If this involves creating a vision board that you can look at to remind yourself every day then go for it. Small techniques like this go a long way in sustaining your success mindset and shouldn’t be dismissed.

An Inspirational Story…

For centuries experts said that running a mile in under 4 minutes was humanly impossible. On the 6th May 1954, Rodger Bannister did just that. As part of his training, Bannister relentlessly visualised the achievement, believing he could accomplish what everyone said wasn’t possible…and he did it.

What’s more amazing is that, as soon as Bannister achieved the 4-minute mile, more and more people also achieved it. How was this possible after so many years of no one achieving it? Because in people’s minds it was suddenly possible – once people knew that it was achievable it created a mindset of success and now, after over fifty years since Bannister did the ‘impossible’, his record has been lowered by 17 seconds – the power of the success mindset!

Read Next