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Never Underestimate The Power of Small Talk

Never Underestimate The Power of Small Talk

Small talk is a vastly underrated occurrence.

Although dreaded by most people, it does, in fact, play a vital role in establishing relationships – whether that relationship happens to be in business, in a social context, or in a client/provider situation.

Can you imagine a world without small talk?

Think about it.

Small talk is our first attempt at getting to know someone. Not one relationship you have had, apart from that in a close family setting, has started with anything other than small talk. That seemingly insignificant ‘passing the time’ with someone gives us the first inkling of whether we have anything in common with another person.

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Would you have gotten to know your husband or wife, fallen in love and married had you not both exchanged small talk at the beginning? If you can think back to the very first contact you had with someone who became a ‘significant other’ in your life, what do you remember? Did you immediately fall in love with them? Highly unlikely.

Did you bump into each other at the bar and know without any shadow of a doubt that you would be in a relationship with them, within the first minute of seeing them and without having exchanged a word? Of course, love at first sight does happen, but it’s rare, and most times we have to get to know somebody first before we can decide to take it further.

And the way we do that is through small talk. Just like listening skills, being good in small talk is an essential interpersonal skill for everyday life. Take, as another example, that most famous of small talk venues – the hair salon. They are, for the most part, notorious for it, and on the surface it’s as annoying as hell.

But – just imagine what it would be like without it. You would go in, take a seat, explain what you wanted, have your hair done, pay, and leave. Ok, so straight to the point and no messing. But wouldn’t you much rather share a much friendlier hour or so, with someone who greets you by name and with a smile?

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Small talk is vital in keeping our social connections alive.

Isn’t it much nicer to pass that time talking about things which require no effort, with another human being who asks after your family, who remembers that your youngest has just started school? Someone who is interested in whether your holiday to the Caribbean was as good as the pictures you showed her in the brochure the last time you were there?

In these days of screens and virtual reality, human interaction is diminishing, which is why small talk is vital in keeping that connection alive. How dull and unfriendly your first day at a new job would be without small talk. Nobody to give you snippets of office politics. No-one to tell you where the tea and coffee is. Not a soul regaling you with stories of the difficult customers, or the grumpy manager.

It is small talk which makes the days go faster and feel more interesting. It is small talk which makes you feel noticed, and included, and part of the human race. Even a job interview will start with small talk, likewise a visit to the doctor, or the dentist, or the bank manager.

Small talk puts us at ease.

Some people can go days and weeks without talking to a soul. Just think about that for a moment, days and weeks without hearing another person’s voice apart from on the TV. Can you even begin to imagine how important small talk is to that person? Again it is that human contact, the interaction with another person.

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Indulging in an insignificant exchange with a lonely person can make all the difference to how alone they feel. Five minutes swapping pleasantries will probably mean the world to an elderly man who finds himself alone after 50 years of marriage, or to an old lady whose family has emigrated and who she rarely hears from.

Giving them a few moments of your time, while tiresome to you, can be the light at the end of the long tunnel of solitude for someone who has nobody else. Sadly, right now, the world is troubled by prejudice – whether it is because of race, religion, colour or sexuality. Somebody who belongs to one of those ‘minority’ groups can feel unsafe, or unwelcome in their own town, or workplace, and that must be a terrible way to feel.

So can you imagine what a relief it would be to be on the receiving end of a smile, and a few words of insignificant conversation? Those passing comments cost you nothing, but could be enough to lift that person’s spirits, give them a feeling of belonging, and acceptance. How powerful is that, to make another person feel safe?

There’s a magic around the corner…

And small talk can give rise to the most serendipitous of happenings.

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Let’s suppose you have just finished work for the day and you emerge from the building and it is raining. You stand for a moment under cover of the doorway while you look for your umbrella. A man standing next you remarks that it’s nice weather for ducks. You assume he is bemoaning the fact that it’s raining, whereas it’s your favourite kind of weather, and you tell him so. He smiles, and admits that it’s his favourite too, and you notice his smile.

Now maybe this conversation ends there. At the very least, your day has been brightened by a stranger’s beautiful smile.

Or, possibly, you stay a while, indulge in more trivia which ends in exchanging phone numbers, or going for a coffee around the corner…maybe you end up together, with this handsome man with the beautiful smile and a love of rain.

And that, right there, is the magic of small talk.

Featured photo credit: Dan Cooper via stokpic.com

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Last Updated on April 19, 2021

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

If you’re not sure where to start with an exercise routine, check out Lifehack’s free Simple Cardio Home Workout Plan.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

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5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

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