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When You Should Seek Couples Counselling

When You Should Seek Couples Counselling

When we fall in love the last thing on our minds is future pain. The beginning of love is nothing but joy and, quite thick, rose tinted glasses. Everything about our partner is wonderful, nothing seems annoying, it is all just “practically perfect, in every way”, as Mary Poppins would say.

But, unfortunately, everything changes with time, including the way we view people. The one we love is not immune to this, sadly. Those tiny habits you liked about your partner as their “cute quirk” in the past might begin to grate on you in the present. Things you used to agree on can now lead to arguments, as you, or your partner, might have changed views on the subject. You may feel you have grown while your partner has stayed the same and is becoming boring. Or the reverse; your partner has changed so much you barely recognise him or her. Maybe you feel as if you’ve grown apart. All this could lead to not feeling happy or satisfied in your relationship anymore.

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Obviously this could be resolved simply by talking to one another, but often this is where the problem begins: you or your partner may be scared of admitting to problems. Or you just don’t know how to start the conversation. You might have tried to bring up the problem, but things came out wrong or were misunderstood, leading to an argument and continuous strain in the relationship. Then there are people who are just letting problems and stress build between one another, until inevitably they grow apart to such a degree that separation seems to be the only option. Or maybe you are arguing about hundreds of little things instead of discussing the one thing that matters, this too often leads to the mutual decision of ending the relationship.

Separation might seem like a convenient option when troubles have been building for a long time. But what if, deep down inside, you still love your partner and you want to make it work but just don’t know how? There must be some way to avoid losing your love, right? Yes indeed; there are things that can be done, but you will need to be open to accepting outside help from a stranger. Not just any stranger, obviously, but someone, trained in dealing with problems like yours. This person, a counsellor, could help you talk about your problems in a new and fresh environment.

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Relationship Counselling, also known as Couples Counselling or Marriage Guidance, is one of the more well known forms of counselling. This mainly because TV shows often use it as some sort of jokey plot devise. Using couples counselling like this has sadly led to many people being wary of taking this step, as they fear it will be how they saw it portrayed on their favourite funny TV show. This is a shame, as these couples are missing out on valuable help.

Contrary to the TV shows: you will NOT be told what to do, or receive some hippy-dippy therapy. Instead you will finally sit down with your partner and reflect on the past and present, while looking towards the future. Couples Counselling it the best way of getting couples to open up to each other, listen and to help them understand where the true problems lay. The counsellor is there to guide, to raise awareness to issues that get ignored in the heat of the moment and to keep the conversation going. Counsellors do not take decisions for you, they do not take sides, they are there for the both of you as it is the relationship that is the priority, not the individual.

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The biggest fear of talking to a partner can be that of opening up about your deepest thoughts and feelings.
Understandable: you live with a person every day and they already know so much, what more do you want or need to share? Often your loved one doesn’t know as much as you think, and things simply hover in the air unsaid, causing friction and unnecessary misunderstandings. Gentle guidance from a trained counsellor can help you to speak words you have been afraid to say. Letting go of so much anxiety and fear in front of a partner can give quite the boost to a relationship, so a deeper understanding is build.

So let’s return to our question: When should you seek Couples Counselling?

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Is there a right time to seek help? You might wonder. The right time to seek help is when it feels right to you. If you feel you need help, then you need help. Don’t worry if a problem may be “too little”. A small problem is never small if it stands in the way of your happiness.. You might also worry whether or not a problem is not really a “couples problem”. But in fact: anything that stands between two partners IS a couples problem.

Of course taking Couples Counselling does not guarantee that the two of you will actually stay together. But even if you don’t it will always be beneficial: The conversations will help the both of you realise where you went wrong and help make the break up easier. You will end your relationship with everything out in the open: no questions, no lingering “what ifs” or loose ends. You will find it easier to separate on good terms and stay friendly. This will also benefit children, if they are in the picture.

So, no matter how you look at it: there is always a benefit to taking Couples Counselling. You will end up feeling stronger as a couple, as a person or both. Don’t wait until a “small” problem becomes a big one. You are in this relationship right now and deserve to spend time together in love, not sadness.

Featured photo credit: uiowa.edu via counseling.studentlife.uiowa.edu

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Dannii Cohen

PsyD in Psychology, professional counsellor, life coach and self-help expert

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Last Updated on September 20, 2018

How to Stay Calm and Cool When You Are Extremely Stressful

How to Stay Calm and Cool When You Are Extremely Stressful

Being in a hurry all the time drains your energy. Your work and routine life make you feel overwhelmed. Getting caught up in things beyond your control stresses you out…

If you’d like to stay calm and cool in stressful situations, put the following 8 steps into practice:

1. Breathe

The next time you’re faced with a stressful situation that makes you want to hurry, stop what you’re doing for one minute and perform the following steps:

  • Take five deep breaths in and out (your belly should come forward with each inhale).
  • Imagine all that stress leaving your body with each exhale.
  • Smile. Fake it if you have to. It’s pretty hard to stay grumpy with a goofy grin on your face.

Feel free to repeat the above steps every few hours at work or home if you need to.

2. Loosen up

After your breathing session, perform a quick body scan to identify any areas that are tight or tense. Clenched jaw? Rounded shoulders? Anything else that isn’t at ease?

Gently touch or massage any of your body parts that are under tension to encourage total relaxation. It might help to imagine you’re in a place that calms you: a beach, hot tub, or nature trail, for example.

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3. Chew slowly

Slow down at the dinner table if you want to learn to be patient and lose weight. Shoveling your food down as fast as you can is a surefire way to eat more than you need to (and find yourself with a bellyache).

Be a mindful eater who pays attention to the taste, texture, and aroma of every dish. Chew slowly while you try to guess all of the ingredients that were used to prepare your dish.

Chewing slowly will also reduce those dreadful late-night cravings that sneak up on you after work.

4. Let go

Cliche as it sounds, it’s very effective.

The thing that seems like the end of the world right now?

It’s not. Promise.

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Stressing and worrying about the situation you’re in won’t do any good because you’re already in it, so just let it go.

Letting go isn’t easy, so here’s a guide to help you:

21 Things To Do When You Find It Hard To Let Go

5. Enjoy the journey

Focusing on the end result can quickly become exhausting. Chasing a bold, audacious goal that’s going to require a lot of time and patience? Split it into several mini-goals so you’ll have several causes for celebration.

Stop focusing on the negative thoughts. Giving yourself consistent positive feedback will help you grow patience, stay encouraged, and find more joy in the process of achieving your goals.

6. Look at the big picture

The next time you find your stress level skyrocketing, take a deep breath, and ask yourself:

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Will this matter to me…

  • Next week?
  • Next month?
  • Next year?
  • In 10 years?

Hint: No, it won’t.

I bet most of the stuff that stresses you wouldn’t matter the next week, maybe not even the next day.

Stop agonizing over things you can’t control because you’re only hurting yourself.

7. Stop demanding perfection of yourself

You’re not perfect and that’s okay. Show me a person who claims to be perfect and I’ll show you a dirty liar.

Demanding perfection of yourself (or anybody else) will only stress you out because it just isn’t possible.

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8. Practice patience every day

Below are a few easy ways you can practice patience every day, increasing your ability to remain calm and cool in times of stress:

  • The next time you go to the grocery store, get in the longest line.
  • Instead of going through the drive-thru at your bank, go inside.
  • Take a long walk through a secluded park or trail.

Final thoughts

Staying calm in stressful situations is possible, all you need is some daily practice.

Taking deep breaths and eat mindfully are some simple ways to train your brain to be more patient. But changing the way you think of a situation and staying positive are most important in keeping cool whenever you feel overwhelmed and stressful.

Featured photo credit: Brooke Cagle via unsplash.com

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