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Top 7 Ways for Building Up Your Child When You Feel Like a Parent Who is Always Saying No

Top 7 Ways for Building Up Your Child When You Feel Like a Parent Who is Always Saying No

My husband and I took our two-year-old twin boys and four-year-old daughter on vacation to two National parks in Colorado with friends this past week. We drove from the Dallas, TX area and during the day long journey. I realized I was saying “stop that”, “no”, and “don’t touch that” all day long. By the time we arrived at the first National Park, I was feeling like a crummy parent who only had negative responses for my kids that entire day. Having a PhD in psychology, I knew I could do a whole lot better. I needed to return to my tried and true methods of building up my children. Doing so, not only will help my children to not feel defeated, but also will help them to build positive self worth.

Many parents often feel bad for having to say “no” to their children all day long. You can begin to feel like your negative responses are making your child feel defeated. No good parent wants their child to feel defeated or grow up with low self esteem. We, as parents, can help our children to develop positive self esteem starting from the moment they are born. Below are my top 7 tips for building up your child, so they can develop positive self esteem and self worth.

1. Provide Positive Feedback That Is Legitimate

Children need positive affirmations. These affirmations need to be legitimate. Sometimes, parents have a tendency to praise their children with affirmations that aren’t legitimate. Making generalized statements such as “you are the most beautiful girl in the world” or “you are the smartest kid in the world” are not legitimate.

Kids are smart. Eventually your child will realize there are more beautiful and smarter kids in the world, or even right next door. When you say these sort of generalized statements, although well meaning, they become nebulous and make you out to be a liar. Kids need affirmations that are personalized to them and aren’t exaggerations or flat out lies.

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2. Criticize The Behavior, Not the Child

“You are a bad kid” is a terrible thing to say to any child. You may feel that they are acting like a bad kid because of their behavior, but they themselves are not “bad”. Telling them they are bad is like putting a stamp on them as a person that cannot be changed. Behavior can be changed though. Which is why parents need to focus on words and criticisms that are aimed at a specific behavior rather than the child.

Be specific about what behavior needs changing and talk about it immediately when it happens, not hours later. But again, be sure your message is that the behavior is undesirable and not them as a person.

3. Give Them Chores and Responsibilities

Children will feel good about themselves when they are able to complete chores and tasks. Feeling that they have responsibilities they can accomplish helps them gain positive self esteem. They find that they are worth something to the people around them when they can help. Don’t rob your children of this opportunity to build positive self worth by doing everything for them.

Small children can start taking out garbage, putting away toys, making beds, and more. The sooner you start giving them daily responsibilities, the better off they will be. They gain confidence when they are able to complete tasks, so allow them to do this and create opportunity for this by assigning chores and duties to your child.

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4. Praise and Thank Your Child for A Job Well Done

When children complete tasks and chores, be sure to thank them for contributing to the household. Recognize their worth in the family and their ability to contribute. The message you send to your child when you say “thank you for taking out the garbage” is that they are appreciated. They internalize praise, so be sure to verbalize it when their behavior is good.

Parents sometimes get so focused on the negative behaviors and spend so much time trying to correct the negative that they forgot to recognize the positive behaviors that are happening. Making an effort to take notice of the positive behaviors and verbalize it to your child will have lasting positive effects.

When you have a particular day that the child is acting out continually and your are correcting their behaviors incessantly, then you should stop and change the course. Look for something, anything positive, and offer your child some praise or positive message. Doing so, may help to change the course of the day and the behavior of the child.

Kids want attention. When they aren’t getting any positive attention they will often act out to get attention. Why? Because negative attention is better than no attention at all. Providing positive messages can help to actually curb negative behavior.

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5. Spend Quality and Quantity Time with Your Child

Kids need to feel loved in order to have good self worth. If they feel like they are not loved, they can begin to feel like there is something about them that makes them unlovable. Show your children you love them by spending time with them. When you are with them, show them affection and tell them you love them unconditionally. When you fail to spend enough time with your child they can think it is because you don’t love them and don’t want to spend time with them.

Childhood is short and you don’t have the opportunity for do-overs. Take the time to spend quality and quantity time with your child because they won’t be a child for long. Doing so, sends the message to them that you love them and they are worthy of being loved.

6. Don’t Compare Them To Others

“Katie does such a good job getting her chores done when I ask, why can’t you be like Katie”. Ouch. Not a nice thing to say to a child. Comparing a child to others is hurtful and it also makes them resent the other child. This is often why there is sibling rivalry and dissension in a home. Resist the temptation to compare the child to others.

If you need a basis for comparison, use the child’s own behavior as comparison. An example would be- “you did such a great job getting your chores all completed last week, let’s try to work on doing that again this week”. Be sure to use a tone that is encouraging and not disheartening to the child. Sarcastic statements and condescending tones do not help to make your child feel loved. Use statements, words, and tones that affirm and build up your child.

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7. Help Them See The Good in Themselves

This tip is the most important and yet is often the most overlooked by parents. Self esteem comes from ones self. Nobody can give someone else self esteem, as self esteem is how a person feels about themselves. In order for children to have good self esteem, they need to see themselves as good and worthy. Parents can help their child recognize what is good about themselves by facilitating conversations on the topic.

Starting conversations with “what do you like doing?” and “what do you think you are good at doing?” and “what do you think you did well at school today?”. Help them to see that they were born as a unique individual with talents, abilities, and gifts that make them special and wonderful. If you are Christians like our family, you can let them know that they are good because they are God’s creation.

The Lasting Effects…

Building up a child is a way of helping them see the goodness and positive attributes that they possess. It is a way of helping them recognize that they are unique and special because they were born with gifts and the abilities to do certain things well in life.

A parent can help their child discover these gifts and abilities as they grow up. Helping them develop their own positive self esteem is a wonderful gift that can last for a lifetime and change the course of their life forever. Self esteem gives them the gift of confidence in who they are so they can eventually go out and take on the world.

More by this author

Dr. Magdalena Battles

Doctor of Psychology

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Published on September 28, 2018

The Top 21 Kids Websites to Teach Responsibility and Life Skills

The Top 21 Kids Websites to Teach Responsibility and Life Skills

Letting your children navigate the internet on their own is like throwing them into the Wild West for them to fend for themselves. The internet can be a dangerous place for children if they are on the wrong websites.

We all want to protect our children, so knowing the websites that are safe for our kids is of utmost importance. What we also want as parents are websites that teach our children life skills and responsibility.

There are great websites, geared for children, that will engage your child and have them learning at the same time. Below are the top 21 websites for teaching children life skills and responsibility. All of the sites have been vetted and approved by Common Sense Media, a non-profit organization whose mission is to “empower parents, teachers, and policymakers by providing unbiased information, trusted advice, and innovative tools to help them harness the power of media and technology as a positive force in all kids’ lives.”

Always monitor children when they are using the internet. Parental guidance for age appropriateness is recommended when your child uses any of the websites listed below. What is appropriate for an eight year old is not always appropriate or suited for a four year old.

These 21 websites can have your kids engaged, entertained, learning, and developing new skills.  Most of them are intended to engage children of various ages, so look for the content on each site that is appropriate for your child’s age and ability level.

1. PBS Kids

    This website is loaded with games, educational activities and videos that will please both child and parent.

    This site engages children in activities and videos that teach them about citizenship, different cultures, geography, global awareness, hypothesis testing, investigating, self-reflection, personal growth, empathy, respect for others, labeling feelings and more.

    For example, the Webonauts Internet Academy teaches kids how to be safe online and Wild Kratts teaches kids about different habitats around the world.

    There is a great deal of content on this website. Head to their site today to discover what your child could be missing out on!

    2. Curious World

      This site is geared for kids ages 2-7. The main character guiding kids on an educational journey is Curious George. If your child is a fan of the books or cartoon, then you should check out this website.

      There are eight key areas of learning covered on this website including math, reading, and science. This website makes learning fun with games and child appropriate online activities. It also includes hands on activities for parents to do with their child.

      Activities such as crafting, cooking, and art projects with detailed instructions are provided, so that parents can interact with their children to build important life skills.

      3. News-O-Matic

        This is a news website geared for kids. The content helps them learn about the world and its happenings, in a website that is made for kids.

        There are daily editions of which include new articles every day on a variety of subjects and topics. The articles are written to grab the attention of a child reader. You will find that even reluctant readers find this site entertaining.

        If you have a passion for the news and keeping up with the changing world, then you can ignite this passion in your children by getting them started on the News-O-Matic website.

        Some of the skills that kids can learn while utilizing this site include reading comprehension, increased vocabulary, geography recognition, critical thinking, perspective taking, reasoning, and cultural awareness.

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        4. National Geographic Kids

          The National Geographic Kids website teaches kids about animals, space, the natural world, dinosaurs, insects and more. They use games, videos, and online activities to connect children with learning about our natural world.

          There are valuable skills reinforced in the online activities including the use of logic, memory, applying information, investigation, problem solving, and imagination.

          There is a great deal of free content on this website that can be utilized without being a paid subscriber.

          5. ABC Mouse

            This website is geared for children ages 2-7. This is a learning website that covers the subjects of reading, math, social studies, science, health, writing, art, and music.

            Some of the skills that are taught on this site through the website activities include following directions, letter recognition, word recognition, phonics, reading comprehension, speaking, memorization, solving puzzles, measurement, goal achievement, rhythm, and more.

            This website boats that it contains a comprehensive curriculum with more than 8,500 learning activities. It is a great tool for preschoolers preparing for kindergarten.

            There are also lessons and activities that are more advanced beyond kindergarten.

            This is a subscription based program. It has won many awards because of its comprehensive nature and successful curriculum.

            6. FunBrain

              This educational website has a great deal of free content, so your child can access hundreds of activities without a subscription.

              There are games and activities for kids to play while they learn at the same time. Kids will use the following skills while playing on this website: problem solving, puzzle solving, reading, vocabulary, math, and reasoning.

              What makes this site unique is that there are online versions of popular kid’s books including the “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” series.

              7. Nourish Interactive

                This website is geared toward nutrition for children. It is a free website.

                There are games, printable activities, recipes and tools on this site that teach children about nutrition.

                The goal of the site is to help children learn to make healthy eating choices at a young age, so they can have this skill for life. The site also teaches about cooking, with many healthy recipes available free.

                8. Arthur Family Health

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                  Arthur is a favorite cartoon character on PBS. The Arthur Family Health website is for kids to learn about resilience, fitness, peanut allergies, asthma, and more.

                  Health is not an easy topic to address with children, but this website does a great job by utilizing games, videos, and activities that are age appropriate and fun.

                  9. Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood

                    This website uses the popular PBS cartoon character Daniel Tiger. This website has games, activities, and videos geared toward younger children.

                    The skills that are taught on this site include expressing emotions appropriately, eating healthy, making friends, brushing teeth, dealing with disappointment and toilet training.

                    There are stories with a narrator for kids to listen to, simple games to play, videos to watch, and songs to engage younger children.

                    It is an entertaining site for younger kids and the topics teach great life skills for little ones! This is a free website.

                    10. BrainPop

                      This website is geared for children in the fourth grade and older. It is a paid subscription site. However, there are some games and videos that are available free on this site.

                      This website helps kids academically. There are also life skills and lessons addressed on the site. They address even the most sensitive and tough topics such as war, terrorism, sexual development, and alcoholism.

                      Reviewers of the site say that this website is useful for kids all the way through high school.

                      11. Arcademic Skill Builder

                        This website is geared toward helping young students acquire math, language arts, English and critical-thinking skills. This site is filled with games and activities to keep kids entertained while learning.

                        This website has a strong emphasis on math skills including addition, subtraction, counting, division, fractions, money, multiplication, ratios, and shapes.

                        If your child is struggling with their math skills, then this site can be of great help. Many of the games and activities are free.

                        12. Cyberchase

                          This website is based on the PBS show Cyberchase. It is geared toward children who can read or are learning to read. It helps kids acquire critical thinking and reading skills.

                          The site is filled with free games, videos and activities that keep kids entertained, engaged, and learning. Some of the games get kids to think about real life situations to utilize their problem solving skills. Brainstorming is a another skill that is utilized on this site. It is a free website.

                          13. Fact Monster

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                            This website was created in partnership with educational professional. It is a site that is a great help for children completing homework. They can find facts on dozens of subjects on this site along with dictionary and atlas.

                            The content is more than browsing and providing information. There are games and activities to entertain kids on the site while they learn. Interesting to note, the site contains more than 30,000 short biographies!

                            This website is a game changer for home work time. Some of the skills that kids apply on this site include problem solving, thinking, reasoning, and self-direction.

                            14. Maggie’s Earth Adventures

                              This website gets kids thinking and learning about the world and its vast ecosystems. It is a free site that teaches kids about the earth.

                              Real life situations are presented in short videos. Then kids play games that touch on the subjects of animals, earth, recycling, and injustice.

                              Some of the skills that they can acquire on this site include cultural understanding, global awareness, reading comprehension, spelling, vocabulary, investigation, prediction, and thinking critically.

                              15. PBS Lab

                                PBS Lab is funded by a grant from the U.S. Department of Education. This grant requires them to research the games and their effectiveness in helping kids learn real skills. The result is a website where kids actually learn while they have fun.

                                This site teaches kids the skills they need to be successful in school. The website is useful for kids ages three and up. Some of the skills that kids learn on this site include math, reading, spelling, word recognition, measuring, and pattern recognition. This site is free!

                                16. Sesame Street

                                  This website is based on the TV program. Kids are entertained by their favorite Muppets in games, songs, podcasts, videos, and activities.

                                  This site can be used by children ages two and up, so it is one of the best options for very young children.

                                  Some of the skills taught on this site include empathy, labeling emotions, brushing teeth, hygiene, addition, subtraction, counting, measuring, recognizing shapes, understanding cultural differences, following directions, letter recognition, word recognition, spelling, respecting others, asking questions, problem solving, use of imagination, and making new creations.

                                  This site has a great deal of value for parents who want their children to be learning practical life skills while they are on the internet being entertained. This website is completely free!

                                  17. Star Fall

                                    This educational website is geared for children ages four and up. Although this is a subscription website, there is content that users can try out before purchasing.

                                    The website is run through a non profit organization and the price for subscription to the site is low because they want to make the content available widespread to benefit many children.

                                    Some of the skills that kids can learn on this website are addition, subtraction, counting, division, equations, fractions, geometry, grouping, measuring, multiplication, number recognition, shape recognition, reading, letter recognition, and word recognition.

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                                    There are games, lots of songs, and activities to engage young children. The primary focus on this site is math and literacy.

                                    18. How Stuff Works

                                      This website is geared toward older children. It is a site filled with articles, podcasts, games, quizzes, and polls. There is a wealth of information on this site, which makes it useful for homework projects.

                                      The articles are attention grabbing, which help to snag the reader and get them interested in everything from the history of specific holidays to learning how super-volcanos work.

                                      This site touches on eleven primary categories of learning: animals, health, science, tech, automobiles, culture, home & garden, finances, lifestyle, entertainment, and adventure.

                                      Some of the skills that kids can learn through using this site include: building, gardening, self-direction, creativity, researching, empathy, understanding different cultures, and developing novel solutions.

                                      19. Nick Jr

                                        This website is based on the tv shows from the Nick Jr network. Young kids can learn while they interact with their favorite characters on this website. Bubble Guppies, Paw Patrol, Sunny, and dozens of other characters can be found on this site.

                                        There are games, video, stories, and printable activities found on this website. The site is entertaining for kids and they learn a variety of skills including math and reading.

                                        The content is geared toward preschool learning, and it is free.

                                        20. Space Racers

                                          This website is based on the show. The site is designed to get preschoolers excited about space and science.

                                          The learning on this site is based on STEM curriculum (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics). It comes through games, coloring pages, videos, music segments, lesson plans, and printouts from the lessons.

                                          There are a total of 17 lesson plans that use STEM concepts. The skills that kids learn from using this site include observation, teamwork, problem solving, critical thinking, mathematics, decision making, hypothesis testing, and goal setting.

                                          The science subjects taught on this site through the entertaining and engaging content include astronomy, rocket science, geology, and physics. This website is free!

                                          21. Crayola

                                            This website comes from the Crayola company. It is a free website.

                                            When kids click on the “play zone” they can find educational games and activities. The site has many free printable and coloring activities.

                                            The following skills can be learned by kids who use this site: following directions, drawing, painting, making digital creations, use of imagination, innovation, and making new creations.

                                            There are a great deal of DIY craft projects with detailed instructions found on this website.

                                            Featured photo credit: Ben Mullins via unsplash.com

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