Advertising
Advertising

Top 7 Ways for Building Up Your Child When You Feel Like a Parent Who is Always Saying No

Top 7 Ways for Building Up Your Child When You Feel Like a Parent Who is Always Saying No

My husband and I took our two-year-old twin boys and four-year-old daughter on vacation to two National parks in Colorado with friends this past week. We drove from the Dallas, TX area and during the day long journey. I realized I was saying “stop that”, “no”, and “don’t touch that” all day long. By the time we arrived at the first National Park, I was feeling like a crummy parent who only had negative responses for my kids that entire day. Having a PhD in psychology, I knew I could do a whole lot better. I needed to return to my tried and true methods of building up my children. Doing so, not only will help my children to not feel defeated, but also will help them to build positive self worth.

Many parents often feel bad for having to say “no” to their children all day long. You can begin to feel like your negative responses are making your child feel defeated. No good parent wants their child to feel defeated or grow up with low self esteem. We, as parents, can help our children to develop positive self esteem starting from the moment they are born. Below are my top 7 tips for building up your child, so they can develop positive self esteem and self worth.

1. Provide Positive Feedback That Is Legitimate

Children need positive affirmations. These affirmations need to be legitimate. Sometimes, parents have a tendency to praise their children with affirmations that aren’t legitimate. Making generalized statements such as “you are the most beautiful girl in the world” or “you are the smartest kid in the world” are not legitimate.

Kids are smart. Eventually your child will realize there are more beautiful and smarter kids in the world, or even right next door. When you say these sort of generalized statements, although well meaning, they become nebulous and make you out to be a liar. Kids need affirmations that are personalized to them and aren’t exaggerations or flat out lies.

Advertising

2. Criticize The Behavior, Not the Child

“You are a bad kid” is a terrible thing to say to any child. You may feel that they are acting like a bad kid because of their behavior, but they themselves are not “bad”. Telling them they are bad is like putting a stamp on them as a person that cannot be changed. Behavior can be changed though. Which is why parents need to focus on words and criticisms that are aimed at a specific behavior rather than the child.

Be specific about what behavior needs changing and talk about it immediately when it happens, not hours later. But again, be sure your message is that the behavior is undesirable and not them as a person.

3. Give Them Chores and Responsibilities

Children will feel good about themselves when they are able to complete chores and tasks. Feeling that they have responsibilities they can accomplish helps them gain positive self esteem. They find that they are worth something to the people around them when they can help. Don’t rob your children of this opportunity to build positive self worth by doing everything for them.

Small children can start taking out garbage, putting away toys, making beds, and more. The sooner you start giving them daily responsibilities, the better off they will be. They gain confidence when they are able to complete tasks, so allow them to do this and create opportunity for this by assigning chores and duties to your child.

Advertising

4. Praise and Thank Your Child for A Job Well Done

When children complete tasks and chores, be sure to thank them for contributing to the household. Recognize their worth in the family and their ability to contribute. The message you send to your child when you say “thank you for taking out the garbage” is that they are appreciated. They internalize praise, so be sure to verbalize it when their behavior is good.

Parents sometimes get so focused on the negative behaviors and spend so much time trying to correct the negative that they forgot to recognize the positive behaviors that are happening. Making an effort to take notice of the positive behaviors and verbalize it to your child will have lasting positive effects.

When you have a particular day that the child is acting out continually and your are correcting their behaviors incessantly, then you should stop and change the course. Look for something, anything positive, and offer your child some praise or positive message. Doing so, may help to change the course of the day and the behavior of the child.

Kids want attention. When they aren’t getting any positive attention they will often act out to get attention. Why? Because negative attention is better than no attention at all. Providing positive messages can help to actually curb negative behavior.

Advertising

5. Spend Quality and Quantity Time with Your Child

Kids need to feel loved in order to have good self worth. If they feel like they are not loved, they can begin to feel like there is something about them that makes them unlovable. Show your children you love them by spending time with them. When you are with them, show them affection and tell them you love them unconditionally. When you fail to spend enough time with your child they can think it is because you don’t love them and don’t want to spend time with them.

Childhood is short and you don’t have the opportunity for do-overs. Take the time to spend quality and quantity time with your child because they won’t be a child for long. Doing so, sends the message to them that you love them and they are worthy of being loved.

6. Don’t Compare Them To Others

“Katie does such a good job getting her chores done when I ask, why can’t you be like Katie”. Ouch. Not a nice thing to say to a child. Comparing a child to others is hurtful and it also makes them resent the other child. This is often why there is sibling rivalry and dissension in a home. Resist the temptation to compare the child to others.

If you need a basis for comparison, use the child’s own behavior as comparison. An example would be- “you did such a great job getting your chores all completed last week, let’s try to work on doing that again this week”. Be sure to use a tone that is encouraging and not disheartening to the child. Sarcastic statements and condescending tones do not help to make your child feel loved. Use statements, words, and tones that affirm and build up your child.

Advertising

7. Help Them See The Good in Themselves

This tip is the most important and yet is often the most overlooked by parents. Self esteem comes from ones self. Nobody can give someone else self esteem, as self esteem is how a person feels about themselves. In order for children to have good self esteem, they need to see themselves as good and worthy. Parents can help their child recognize what is good about themselves by facilitating conversations on the topic.

Starting conversations with “what do you like doing?” and “what do you think you are good at doing?” and “what do you think you did well at school today?”. Help them to see that they were born as a unique individual with talents, abilities, and gifts that make them special and wonderful. If you are Christians like our family, you can let them know that they are good because they are God’s creation.

The Lasting Effects…

Building up a child is a way of helping them see the goodness and positive attributes that they possess. It is a way of helping them recognize that they are unique and special because they were born with gifts and the abilities to do certain things well in life.

A parent can help their child discover these gifts and abilities as they grow up. Helping them develop their own positive self esteem is a wonderful gift that can last for a lifetime and change the course of their life forever. Self esteem gives them the gift of confidence in who they are so they can eventually go out and take on the world.

More by this author

Dr. Magdalena Battles

A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault

Everything You Need to Know Before Visiting a Marriage Counselor How To Stop Insecure Attachment from Wreaking Havoc on Your Love Life 7 Reasons Why You Should Find a Life Coach to Reach Your Full Potential 15 Ways to Practice Positive Self-Talk for Success How to Cope with Empty Nest Syndrome and Stop Feeling Lonely

Trending in Child Behavior

1 5 Tips For Teaching Money Management To Children 2 7 Effective Tips for Your Child’s Positive Growth 3 When Should Your Teenager Start Dating? 4 Ten Things To Remember If You Have A Child With ADHD 5 Four Tips to Building Your Child’s Confidence

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Published on December 14, 2018

14 Helpful Tips for Single Parents: How to Stay Sane While Doing it All

14 Helpful Tips for Single Parents: How to Stay Sane While Doing it All

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, over 27% of children under the age of 18 are living with a single parent.[1] That’s over 1/4th of the U.S. population.There is a common misconception that children who grow up in single parent homes are not as successful as children living in two-parent homes.

One crucial detail that was often left out of studies when comparing single and two-parent homes was the stability of the household. There is a correlation between family structure and family stability, but this study shows that children who grow up in stable single-parent homes do as well as those in married households in terms of academic abilities and behavior.

But providing stability is easier said than done. With only one adult to act as a parent, some tasks are inherently more challenging. However, there are a few helpful things you can do to make the parenting journey a little easier for yourself and stay sane while doing it.

1. Don’t Neglect Self-Care

Before anything else can be done, you must be caring for your own needs adequately. Only when you are feeling well-rested and healthy can you be at your best for your children.

Many parents tend to put their kids’ needs first and their owns last, but that will result in a never-ending cycle of exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy. Make time to eat regularly and healthfully, get plenty of rest, and squeeze in exercise whenever you can. Even a short walk around the neighborhood will help your body get much-needed movement and fresh air.

Your children depend on you, and it’s up to you to make sure that you are well-equipped and ready to take on that responsibility.

2. Join Forces with Other Single Parents

At times, it may seem like you’re the only person who knows what it’s like to be a single parent. However, the statistics say that there are many others who know exactly what you’re going through.

Find single parents locally, through your kid’s school, extracurricular activities, or even an app. There are also numerous online communities that can offer support and advice, through Facebook or sites like Single Mom Nation.

Although single moms make up the majority of single parents, there are more than 2.6 million single dads in the U.S. A great way to connect is through Meetup. Other single parents will more than happy to arrange babysitting swaps, playdates, and carpools.

Join forces in order to form mutually beneficial relationships.

Advertising

3. Build a Community

In addition to finding support with other single parents, also build a community comprised of families of all different types. Rather than focus solely on the single parent aspect of your identity, look for parents and kids who share other things in common.

Join a playgroup, get plugged in at a church, or get to know the parents of the kids involved in the same extracurricular activities. Having a community of a variety of people and families will bring diversity and excitement into your and your kids’ lives.

4. Accept Help

Don’t try to be a superhero and do it all yourself. There are probably people in your life who care about you and your kids and want to help you. Let them know what types of things would be most appreciated, whether it’s bringing meals once a week, helping with rides to school, or giving you time to yourself.

There is no shame in asking for help and accepting assistance from loved ones. You will not be perceived as weak or incompetent. You are being a good parent by being resourceful and allowing others to give you a much-needed break.

5. Get Creative with Childcare

Raising a child on a single income is a challenge, with the high cost of daycares, nannies, and other conventional childcare services. More affordable options are possible if you go a less traditional route.

If you have space and live in a college town, offer a college student housing in exchange for regular childcare. Or swap kids with other single parents so that your kids have friends to play with while the parents get time to themselves.

When I was younger, my parents had a group of five family friends, and all of the children would rotate to a different house each day of the week, during the summer months. The kids would have a great time playing with each other, and the parents’ job becomes a lot easier. That’s what you would call a win-win situation.

6. Plan Ahead for Emergencies

As a single parent, a backup plan or two is a must in emergency situations. Make a list of people you know you can call in a moment’s notice. There will be times in which you need help, and it’s important to know ahead of time who you can rely on.

Look into whether or not your area offers emergency babysitting services or a drop-in daycare. Knowing who will be able to care for your child in the event of an emergency can relieve one potential source of anxiety in stressful situations.

7. Create a Routine

Routines are crucial for young children because knowing what to expect gives them a semblance of control. This is even more important when in a single parent home.

Advertising

If the child travels between homes or has multiple caretakers, life can seem extremely chaotic and unpredictable. Establish a routine and schedule for your child as much as possible. This can include bedtime, before/after school, chores, meal times, and even a weekend routine.

Having a routine does not mean things cannot change. It is merely a default schedule to fall back on when no additional events or activities are going on. When your children know what to expect, they will be less resistant because they know what to expect, and days will run much more smoothly.

8. Be Consistent with Rules and Discipline

If your child has multiple caretakers, such as another parent, grandparent, or babysitter, communicate clearly on how discipline will be handled. Talk to your ex, if you are sharing custody, as well as any other caretakers about the rules and the agreed-upon approach to discipline.

When a child realizes that certain rules can be bent with certain people, he/she will use it to their advantage, causing additional issues with limits, behavior, and discipline down the road.

This article may help you to discipline your child better:

How to Discipline a Child (The Complete Guide for Different Ages)

9. Stay Positive

Everyone has heard the saying, “Mind over matter.” But there really is so much power behind your mentality. It can change your perspective and make a difficult situation so much better.

Your kids will be able to detect even the smallest shift in your attitude. When the responsibilities of motherhood are overwhelming, stay focused on the positive things in your life, such as your friends and family. This will produce a much more stable home environment.

Maintain your sense of humor and don’t be afraid to be silly. Look towards the future and the great things that are still to come for you and your family. Rediscover and redefine your family values.

10. Move Past the Guilt

In a single parent home, it is impossible to act as both parents, regardless of how hard you try. Let go of the things that you cannot do as a single parent, and instead, think of the great things you ARE able to provide for your children.

Advertising

Leave behind the notion that life would be easier or better with two parents. This is simply not true. There is a multitude of pros and cons to all family dynamics, and the one you are providing for your kids now is the one that they need.

Don’t get bogged down by guilt or regret. Take control of your life and be the best parent you can by being present and engaged with them on a daily basis.

11. Answer Questions Honestly

Your kids may have questions about why their home situation is different from many of their friends. When asked, don’t sugarcoat the situation or give them an answer that is not accurate.

Depending on their age, take this opportunity to explain the truth of what happened and how the current circumstances came about. Not all families have two parents, whether that is due to divorce, death, or whatever else life brings.

Don’t give more detail than necessary or talk badly about the other parent. But strive to be truthful and honest. Your children will benefit more from your candor than a made-up story.

12. Treat Kids Like Kids

In the absence of a partner, it can be tempting to rely on your children for comfort, companionship, or sympathy. But your kids are not equipped to play this role for you.

There are many details within an adult relationship that children are not able to understand or process, and it will only cause confusion and resentment.

Do not take out your anger on your kids. Separate your emotional needs from your role as a mother. If you find yourself depending on your kids too much, look for adult friends or family members that you can talk to about your issues.

13. Find Role Models

Find positive role models of the opposite sex for your child. It’s crucial that your child does not form negative associations with an entire gender of people.

Find close friends or family members that would be willing to spend one-on-one time with your kids. Encourage them to form meaningful relationships with people that you trust and that they can look up to.

Advertising

Role models can make a huge difference in the path that a child decides to take, so be intentional about the ones that you put in your kids’ lives.

14. Be Affectionate and Give Praise

Your children need your affection and praise on a daily basis. Engage with your kids as often as possible by playing with them, going on outings, and encouraging open dialogue.

Affirm them in the things that they are doing well, no matter how small. Praise their efforts, rather than their achievements. This will inspire them to continue to put forth hard work and not give up when success is not achieved.

Rather than spending money on gifts, spend time and effort in making lasting memories.

Final Thoughts

Being a single parent is a challenging responsibility to take on. Without the help of a partner to fall back on, single parents have a lot more to take on.

However, studies show that growing up in a single parent home does not have a negative effect on achievement in school. As long as the family is a stable and safe environment, kids are able to excel and do well in life.

Use these tips in order to be a reliable and capable parent for your kids, while maintaining your own well-being and sanity.

More Resources About Parenting

Featured photo credit: Bruno Nascimento via unsplash.com

Reference

Read Next