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Why People Who Like Spending Time Alone Can Connect With Others More Deeply

Why People Who Like Spending Time Alone Can Connect With Others More Deeply

Loners make great friends.

While this idea seems counterintuitive and is not likely to show up on a bumper sticker, it turns out it’s true.

To be clear, the loners in this case are those who like to be alone. They are loners by choice.

They should not be confused with those whose negative life experiences or biological predisposition (or both) have resulted in certain neuroses or pathologies that render them a better fit for “reality” television than for social interaction.

Jonathan Cheek, a psychologist at Wellesley College, refers to this unfortunate group as “enforced loners.” Many of them eschew being alone, but are left with no other option. As such, they are prone to loneliness and the stress responses that come with that. It’s not a good scene.

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Loners by choice are a different group. And they naturally possess certain characteristics that make them well-suited in making deeper connections with others.

They have little need for peer affiliation and acceptance.

Loners and introverted types are not particularly concerned about how many friends they have on Facebook or how many times something they tweeted has been retweeted. They may not even have a Facebook page or Twitter account.

This lack of concern is a real time and energy saver because, let’s face it: social media can be a heavy drain on both of these fronts. Furthermore, since loners lack this need for affirmation and are not as prone to the opinions of others, they are able to see the world in a different light and offer new insights.

They spend time finding those who resonate with them.

Loners by choice are not the disheveled friendless wandering the streets. In fact, in plenty of cases, loners can also be extroverts and may well have vast social circles. But they aren’t about to bestow the “bestie” label upon everyone in their circle.

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They see no benefit in maintaining false friendships. They prefer instead to invest their time on developing lasting friendships with people who share their ideas and tend to place a premium on intellect.

This is important to them.

They have small circles of friends and are loyal in their friendships.

While a loner would sooner pull out his own teeth than foster a fake friendship, finding deep and enduring friendships based on intellect and ideas can be difficult.

This is why there’s such a deep connection when people who like being alone actually encounter and befriend other people who like to be alone (even if it’s hard to say how they met in the first place). The loyalty to such a kindred spirit is nearly built-in.

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Furthermore, they can enjoy their time together, but don’t feel an attachment to or dependency on one another.

They find vitality in solitude.

These folks are drained by everyday stimuli — phones, media, noise, and even too much light. They find a sense of comfort in detaching from the world. In fact, they are actually stimulated when alone. This is their version of the true extrovert’s night at the club. Being alone is their jam.

Even extroverted loners with an extensive social circle will consciously choose to detach from social groups because they know it’s a healthier decision for them.

This choice is sometimes interpreted as indifference or even haughtiness. But that carries as much truth as reality TV.

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“Those who choose the living room over the ballroom may have inherited their temperament,” says Cheeks. So yes, some loners were given or born with this adoration for time alone.

But others have come to recognize the secret joys of the solitary life. According to the article “Loners Tend To Be More Intellectual And Loyal Friends” on iheartintelligence.com, they “actually have a freer and less stressful experience that can lead to creativity, growth, learning and exceptionally deep and fulfilling relationships with those they choose to bless with their time.”

So next time you’re feeling in need of a deep connection with someone, consider your loner friends.

They may be hard to find, but the connection will be worth the effort.

Do you have a loner friend who’s been there for you? Share your story.

Featured photo credit: Girl Sitting On Bridge With Stream And Fall Leaves via stokpic.com

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Last Updated on October 22, 2019

How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

When someone says, “I can’t do it” . . . I say to myself, “What do you mean you can’t do it?” Maybe you don’t want to do it, but saying you “can’t” do it is a completely different story.

With the right mindset, positive attitude, and a clear vision of what you want to accomplish, the only thing that is holding you back is yourself.

Can’t is a terrible word and it has to be taken out of your vocabulary.

By saying you can’t do something, you’re already doubting yourself, submitting to defeat, and you’re making that barrier around your life tighter.

So today, right now, we are going to remove this word for good.

From now on there is nothing we can’t do.

“Attitude is Tattoo”

Your attitude is everything; it’s your reason, your why and how, your facial expression, emotions, body language, and potentially the end result. How you approach an opportunity, and the result of it, is solely based on you — not your boss or your co-worker or friend.

If you enter a business meeting with a sour attitude, that negative energy can spread like wildfire. People can also feel it — maybe even taste it. This is not an impression you want to leave.

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Now imagine you enter a business meeting with a positive attitude, that whatever happens in here is going to be your result, in your control, not someone else’s. Of course, we can’t always win, but even if the outcome is negative, your attitude and perception can turn it into a positive. The question is: can you do it?

Of course you can, because there is nothing in this world you can’t do.

It’s much better to be known for your positive attitude — your poise, your energy, the reason why things go so well because you are able to maintain such character. A negative attitude is easy. It’s easy to complain, it’s easy to be mad, and it’s even easier to do nothing to change it.

When I say your “attitude is tattoo”, it sounds permanent. Tattoos can be removed, but that’s not the point. Your attitude is like a tattoo because you wear it. People can see it and sometimes, they will judge you on it. If you maintain a negative attitude, then it is permanent until you change it.

Change your attitude and I guarantee the results change as well.

Believe You Can Do It

Do you know why most people say “can’t” and doubt themselves before trying anything?

It’s our lack of self-confidence and fear on many different levels. The one thing we have to purge from ourselves is fear — fear of bad results, fear of change, fear of denial, fear of loss, the fear that makes us worry and lose sleep. Worrying is the same as going outside with an umbrella, waiting for rain to hit it. Stop worrying and move on.

Confidence is fragile: It builds up slowly, but can shatter like glass. Project your confidence and energy into believing in yourself. This is a very important and groundbreaking step — one that is usually the hardest to take. Start telling yourself you can do something, anything, and you will do it the best to your ability. Remove doubt, remove fear, and stick with positive energy.

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Embrace Failure

Do not fear failure. Do not run away from it. Face it, learn from it, grow, and take action. Just remember: You will never know success if you have never failed.

Your confidence will bolster after embracing these facts. You will be immune to demoralizing results, and instead you will find ways to fix it, improve upon it, and make it better than before. You will learn to never say “can’t,” and will realize how many more opportunities you can create by removing that one word.

Don’t let one simple and ugly word plague your confidence. You’re better and stronger than that.

Start Making the Change

But to actually start the process of change is very challenging.

Why is that?

Fear? Time? Don’t know how — or where — to start?

It’s hard because what we’re doing is unlearning what we know. We are used to doing things a certain way, and chances are we’ve been doing them for years.

So here are some ways that I avoid using the word “can’t”, and actually take the steps to put forth the change that I wish to see. I hope you can incorporate these methods into your life.

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Write down What You Want to Change

Write it on post-its, notecards, whatever makes you comfortable — something you will always see. I usually write mine on post-its and put them all over the wall behind my monitor so I always see them.

Tell a Friend and Talk About It

Discussing your goals, what you want to change, is very effective when you say it out loud and tell another person other than yourself. It’s almost like saying, hey, I bet I can do it — watch me.

When you fulfill that goal and tell your friend, it feels rewarding and will motivate you to do it again in a different aspect. Who knows? Maybe your friend adopts the same mindset as you.

Stop Yourself from Saying the Forbidden Word

Sometimes,I can’t control myself in public when I’m with friends, so I have to be careful with the words I use so I don’t embarrass or insult anyone.

Treat the word “can’t” as the worst word you can possibly use. Stop yourself from saying it, mid-sentence if you must, and turn your whole perspective around — you can do it, you will do it, and nothing is impossible!

Repetition, Repetition, Repetition

You think this change will be overnight? No way. This is a practice. Something you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life from now until forever.

As I said earlier, you are unlearning what you know. You know how easy it is to say you can’t do something, so by unlearning this easy practice, you’re self-disciplining yourself to live without boundaries.

Practice this everyday, a little at a time, and before you know it, the word can’t will not be part of your language.

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Do Anything That Can Relieve Your Uncertainty

When I catch myself saying I can’t do something or I don’t know something, looking up information on that action or subject, doing research, educating yourself, relieves that uncertainty.

Sometimes, we think we can’t do something because the whole idea of it seems too large. We skip the small steps in our head and only focus on the end.

Before you say you can’t do something, rewind and slow down a little bit. Focus on what the first step is, then the next. Take it a step at a time, and before you know it you will have done something you previously thought you couldn’t do.

Final Thoughts

You know what you must do. The first step is right now. Once you begin this habit, and really start noticing some change, you’ll realize the door to opportunity is everywhere.

The funny thing is: Those doors have always been there. The evil word that we no longer use put a veil over our eyes because that’s how powerful that word is.

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Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

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