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4 Reasons Why You Should Remove “Sorry” From Your Vocabulary

4 Reasons Why You Should Remove “Sorry” From Your Vocabulary

As I walk into my boss’ office, I am greeted with the click-clacking sounds of fingers dancing ferociously over computer keys and see a furrowed brow framing laser focused eyes staring intently at the screen.

“Hey Becky, um sorry to bother you but…”

I am boarding the crowded DC train in the middle of rush hour and am carried aboard in a wave of frustrated and harried people. I drop my bag between my feet and reach up and grab the overhead bar to stabilize myself as I begin the long trek home.  Another passenger’s hand grazes mine.  Again, I say sorry.

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I say sorry at least 15 times each day–whether I am at fault or not. It has become a staple in my vocabulary.

To all my chronic over apologizers–why do we do that?

One common theory, which fairly accurately explains my overuse of the word “sorry,” is that being perceived as rude is so abhorrent–especially to women— that we need to make ourselves less obtrusive before we speak up. We also say sorry to display humility and as a way to avoid or quickly end conflict.

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Here are some reasons we should rethink when, why and how we say sorry and possibly strike it from our vocabulary altogether:

1. It devalues the purpose of an apology

When we say sorry too easily and too frequently or when we apologize for things that are clearly not our fault, not in our control, or otherwise unworthy of apology we completely strip away the meaning and the power of a sincere apology.

The bottom line here is saying sorry too much can trivialize the act of the apology, making the important ones carry less weight. Be careful about crying wolf–save it for when you really need it, and mean it.

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2. We devalue ourselves by saying sorry so frequently

Most people equate apologizing with humility. We tend to think that a prideful person can offend someone and walk away with apologizing. An interesting thing happens however, when we say sorry in situations that do not warrant that word. We tell people that they are worth more than we are. It signifies that our low self-esteem is low.

There is nothing wrong with being a confident, self assured individual that doesn’t take responsibility for someone else’s mistake. You are a living, breathing being who deserves to be seen as an equal by everyone you encounter. Don’t devalue yourself. The next time someone runs into you, scrap the apology and instead share an understanding glance. It happens.

3. Sorry is used to try and fix situations but it doesn’t resolve conflicts

This is especially true for those of us who don’t like confrontation and will go to any length just to avoid a scene. We will quickly fling “sorry” at a situation to stifle an argument before it starts. And while this is necessary at times, other times we need to “man up” or “put our big girl panties on” and work to actually resolve the conflict.

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Saying sorry also can be a way of manipulating a situation. We will use it an effort to avoid addressing a certain topic or having to face undesirable behaviors or attributes. How many times have we heard–or even said–“I said I’m sorry, what else do you want from me?” This is a classic way of using a weak (and usually insincere) apology to fix something without reaching a resolution.

4. Sorry makes you–in fact– SORRY!

A person who is always apologizing, especially in the work place, will quickly be viewed and labeled a sorry individual. It gives people the impression that you are mistake prone,  incompetent and a sorry individual.

Over apologizing can actually effect your self-esteem and self-perception. It’s the law of the self fulfilling prophecy.The more you say you are sorry, the more you will believe it and ultimately become it.

Challenge:

Try not to say sorry for a full 24 hours.  That doesn’t mean that you should avoid apologizing if you are at fault. Take responsibility and apologize without using the word sorry.

Here are a few words/phrases that can help you with this endeavor:

  • “Excuse/pardon me”
  • “Thank you”
  • “I regret…”
  • “It’s unfortunate…”
  • “That’s sad”
  • Silence

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Denise Hill

Denise shares about psychology and communication tips on Lifehack.

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Last Updated on January 15, 2021

7 Ways To Have More Confident Body Language

7 Ways To Have More Confident Body Language

The popular idiomatic saying that “actions speak louder than words” has been around for centuries, but even to this day, most people struggle with at least one area of nonverbal communication. Consequently, many of us aspire to have more confident body language but don’t have the knowledge and tools necessary to change what are largely unconscious behaviors.

Given that others’ perceptions of our competence and confidence are predominantly influenced by what we do with our faces and bodies, it’s important to develop greater self-awareness and consciously practice better posture, stance, eye contact, facial expressions, hand movements, and other aspects of body language.

Posture

First things first: how is your posture? Let’s start with a quick self-assessment of your body.

  • Are your shoulders slumped over or rolled back in an upright posture?
  • When you stand up, do you evenly distribute your weight or lean excessively to one side?
  • Does your natural stance place your feet relatively shoulder-width apart or are your feet and legs close together in a closed-off position?
  • When you sit, does your lower back protrude out in a slumped position or maintain a straight, spine-friendly posture in your seat?

All of these are important considerations to make when evaluating and improving your posture and stance, which will lead to more confident body language over time. If you routinely struggle with maintaining good posture, consider buying a posture trainer/corrector, consulting a chiropractor or physical therapist, stretching daily, and strengthening both your core and back muscles.

Facial Expressions

Are you prone to any of the following in personal or professional settings?

  • Bruxism (tight, clenched jaw or grinding teeth)
  • Frowning and/or furrowing brows
  • Avoiding direct eye contact and/or staring at the ground

If you answered “yes” to any of these, then let’s start by examining various ways in which you can project confident body language through your facial expressions.

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1. Understand How Others Perceive Your Facial Expressions

A December 2020 study by UC Berkeley and Google researchers utilized a deep neural network to analyze facial expressions in six million YouTube clips representing people from over 140 countries. The study found that, despite socio-cultural differences, people around the world tended to use about 70% of the same facial expressions in response to different emotional stimuli and situations.[1]

The study’s researchers also published a fascinating interactive map to demonstrate how their machine learning technology assessed various facial expressions and determined subtle differences in emotional responses.

This study highlights the social importance of facial expressions because whether or not we’re consciously aware of them—by gazing into a mirror or your screen on a video conferencing platform—how we present our faces to others can have tremendous impacts on their perceptions of us, our confidence, and our emotional states. This awareness is the essential first step towards

2. Relax Your Face

New research on bruxism and facial tension found the stresses and anxieties of Covid-19 lockdowns led to considerable increases in orofacial pain, jaw-clenching, and teeth grinding, particularly among women.[2]

The National Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research estimates that more than 10 million Americans alone have temporomandibular joint dysfunction (TMJ syndrome), and facial tension can lead to other complications such as insomnia, wrinkles, dry skin, and dark, puffy bags under your eyes.[3])

To avoid these unpleasant outcomes, start practicing progressive muscle relaxation techniques and taking breaks more frequently throughout the day to moderate facial tension.[4] You should also try out some biofeedback techniques to enhance your awareness of involuntary bodily processes like facial tension and achieve more confident body language as a result.[5]

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3. Improve Your Eye Contact

Did you know there’s an entire subfield of kinesic communication research dedicated to eye movements and behaviors called oculesics?[6] It refers to various communication behaviors including direct eye contact, averting one’s gaze, pupil dilation/constriction, and even frequency of blinking. All of these qualities can shape how other people perceive you, which means that eye contact is yet another area of nonverbal body language that we should be more mindful of in social interactions.

The ideal type (direct/indirect) and duration of eye contact depends on a variety of factors, such as cultural setting, differences in power/authority/age between the parties involved, and communication context. Research has shown that differences in the effects of eye contact are particularly prominent when comparing East Asian and Western European/North American cultures.[7]

To improve your eye contact with others, strive to maintain consistent contact for at least 3 to 4 seconds at a time, consciously consider where you’re looking while listening to someone else, and practice eye contact as much as possible (as strange as this may seem in the beginning, it’s the best way to improve).

3. Smile More

There are many benefits to smiling and laughing, and when it comes to working on more confident body language, this is an area that should be fun, low-stakes, and relatively stress-free.

Smiling is associated with the “happiness chemical” dopamine and the mood-stabilizing hormone, serotonin. Many empirical studies have shown that smiling generally leads to positive outcomes for the person smiling, and further research has shown that smiling can influence listeners’ perceptions of our confidence and trustworthiness as well.

4. Hand Gestures

Similar to facial expressions and posture, what you do with your hands while speaking or listening in a conversation can significantly influence others’ perceptions of you in positive or negative ways.

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It’s undoubtedly challenging to consciously account for all of your nonverbal signals while simultaneously trying to stay engaged with the verbal part of the discussion, but putting in the effort to develop more bodily awareness now will make it much easier to unconsciously project more confident body language later on.

5. Enhance Your Handshake

In the article, “An Anthropology of the Handshake,” University of Copenhagen social anthropology professor Bjarke Oxlund assessed the future of handshaking in wake of the Covid-19 pandemic:[8]

“Handshakes not only vary in function and meaning but do so according to social context, situation and scale. . . a public discussion should ensue on the advantages and disadvantages of holding on to the tradition of shaking hands as the conventional gesture of greeting and leave-taking in a variety of circumstances.”

It’s too early to determine some of the ways in which Covid-19 has permanently changed our social norms and professional etiquette standards, but it’s reasonable to assume that handshaking may retain its importance in American society even after this pandemic. To practice more confident body language in the meantime, the video on the science of the perfect handshake below explains what you need to know.

6. Complement Your Verbals With Hand Gestures

As you know by now, confident communication involves so much more than simply smiling more or sounding like you know what you’re talking about. What you do with your hands can be particularly influential in how others perceive you, whether you’re fidgeting with an object, clenching your fists, hiding your hands in your pockets, or calmly gesturing to emphasize important points you’re discussing.

Social psychology researchers have found that “iconic gestures”—hand movements that appear to be meaningfully related to the speaker’s verbal content—can have profound impacts on listeners’ information retention. In other words, people are more likely to engage with you and remember more of what you said when you speak with complementary hand gestures instead of just your voice.[9]

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Further research on hand gestures has shown that even your choice of the left or right hand for gesturing can influence your ability to clearly convey information to listeners, which supports the notion that more confident body language is readily achievable through greater self-awareness and deliberate nonverbal actions.[10]

Final Takeaways

Developing better posture, enhancing your facial expressiveness, and practicing hand gestures can vastly improve your communication with other people. At first, it will be challenging to consciously practice nonverbal behaviors that many of us are accustomed to performing daily without thinking about them.

If you ever feel discouraged, however, remember that there’s no downside to consistently putting in just a little more time and effort to increase your bodily awareness. With the tips and strategies above, you’ll be well on your way to embracing more confident body language and amplifying others’ perceptions of you in no time.

More Tips on How to Develop a Confident Body Language

Featured photo credit: Maria Lupan via unsplash.com

Reference

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